Yes, I agree I hope she had good reason why she can't make it. Though honestly it's not the end of the world if she really cannot attend. How many BMs do you have?
Ideally it would be nice if she's there, but she could easily be filled in with all the details. Hopefully she'll be the only one missing.
Yeah I would have to hope that it was a good reason.
If this were me, I would let her know that it's unexceptable, attending a rehersal is always a part of being in a wedding and if she can't fufil her duties as a BM, that she can step will be removed.
This is an important day and you need her to be there. You really only ask of BM's 1-3 days out of the year where they HAVE to be some place. There's no reason to not show up to this unless theres a death, or a trip planned far far in advance. Even that would tick me off as the rehersal is noramlly a day or so before the wedding so why would you travel then???
Well I guess she has class that night. However you're allowed to miss a max of 2 or 3 days per semester. So it's not like if she misses the class she is going to fail the class.
Also, I have 3 bridesmaids (including her) then my MOH.
Class is not a good reason to miss. When she agreed to be a bridesmaid she agreed to all of the responsibilites of being a bridesmaid. One thing I did that helped my "inexperienced" bridesmaids understand their duties was printout the bridesmaid articles from The Knot and give them to my bridesmaids in a small packet with a thank you card. They thought this was really cool and very "me" (I can be a little OCD). I would talk to her privately about the importance of the bridesmaids roll and her being at the rehearsal. Maybe send her some links to the bridesmaid articles on The Knot.
If class effects her grade I totally understand. Especially younger bridesmaids may not realize the imporance of this event. I know there are several wedding party members that won't make ours and I knew that was a real possiblity early on so its a bit different. Just sit down and have a heart to heart with her and see if she can figure out a way to work her schedule around. If she's at least willing to talk about it you can proboably work something out.
If its something that is really critical to you then stick to your guns. I know when I started out that I was willing to sacrafice commitment to the bridesmaid role for my friends who I expected wouldn't fill it in a very traditional way. Turns out they're not and I'm going to be gluing together invitations by myself but I think its important that you make choices that reflect you. If you want a wedding with bridesmaids 100% then make sure to let her know what you're looking for.
I've been a bridesmaid - and in August will be a bride - and really, how necessary is it that she is there. Obviously you want her there (as I want mine there), and I'd be really bummed - but it will not in anyway ruin your ceremony if she doesn't rehearse. She will follow the BM in front of her and all will be fine.
I am assuming that she is one of your closest friend (as my BMs are) and I'd never ever consider asking a close friend to "step down." I think that is harsh. We love close friends just the way they are - and in this case maybe that means you love her as an overly anxious student (as most of us will agree that she can miss a class). But "demoting" a close friend is surely a friendship hurter. Before I was a bride, I didn't realize how important so many things were to brides (and now I do get it!), so that may be part of it. Tell her you are bummed. Tell her that if there is any way she can miss class you would really, really appreciate it. And tell her if she has to go to class you understand and you look forward to seeing her at the rehearsal dinner when class is over.
My advice is to not react to this for a week. You are very entitled to feeling disappointed, hurt, frustrated - but let the emotions simmer down and then talk to your good friend about it. Good luck!
In my experience, if I talked to a professor, things like this are easy to work out (though maybe I just have had awesome professors) and if she did some extra credit work she'd be able to make it up easily. I mean, unless your wedding falls during midterms or finals, it shouldn't be all that hard to miss class and make it up somehow. Professors generally have lives, too.
I agree with the general sentiment - class isn't a good enough reason (unless she's really failing or something like that). You should really have a talk with her.
Well, the duties of a BM are important. Obviously, its also important to make it to classes - more important for some classes than others, and more important to some people than others. You do have to respect her priorities, at least a little. I would find out what time her class is, and see if you can't adjust your rehearsal time a little earlier or later so that she can make it before or after class. If your rehearsal time is not flexible, then perhaps you can ask her if there's any way she can talk to her professor about missing one class. Maybe there is a class participation grade, maybe it's a class she is having trouble with, maybe her professor is not very understanding - but I think most profs will help you out if you need to miss one class. But I would see if you can't adjust things on your side too - you know, once you seem willing to compromise most other people are also willing to compromise. And even if there's no way to work it out so she can be there, at least you will understand a little better why she can't make it. Maybe you can get access to your venue another time to show her the layout, and explain how the service will go, and she'll just have to wing it. Having been a BM numerous times, I have to say that generally all you do is walk up the aisle, stand at the front, pass back the bouquets, look at the bride, and walk back out again. Its not that hard. The main advantage of the rehearsal seems to be learning the name of the GM who will walk with you. Its usually not hard to find either the aisle or the front of the church! By which I just mean, although its disappointing if she can't make it, I don't think it means that she's liable to do anything terribly wrong on the day of.
I think class is a pretty valid reason (assuming the class she wants to go to is not some basket weaving class she just takes for fun). Speaking as a long time student, I think that attending class is very important and you shouldn't be upset with your bridesmaid unless you think that her class is not really important to her and she is just using it as an excuse.
i agree with enmoore. i understand that you want your friend to be at the rehearsal and you probably feel like she's choosing class over your rehearsal...of course we want our BM to be there, buuut in the grand scheme of things, the ceremony will not be ruined by any means. she can learn that stuff on the day of the ceremony/follow the BM in front of her. and i would imagine that class/education/school is really important and she must feel like its important not to miss that lecture for her to say she can't go to the rehearsal. i'm sure there are a multitude of reasons why she can't miss that class (maybe she feels weak in that subject presented on that day, maybe class participation is important, maybe she needs to go to show the professor that she's trying hard to get a better grade.....) ultimately, its better to be gracious and allow her to miss her rehearsal than making her feel like she has to possibly sacrifice her grade to make it. it'll be ok!!
i agree with lc80. class is a valid enough reason to miss the rehearsal. i'm currently in grad school and if i missed class, i would be missing a lot of information. i've been in several weddings and while a BM should be there to hear about the logisitics, it won't ruin your wedding. she can get the info from another BM. (this is of course assuming that her class is important for her degree...)
I just looked at your profile - you are getting married on November 1st - does she even have her class schedule for next semester? I also see that you are 21 and having a two year engagement... if you are all in college together (with the BM) - a lot can change in two years in college. I am NOT at all trying to talk down, on the contrary, it is just very little changes for me now (late 20's) with regards to my friends, career, living situation in a 2 year period compared to how frequently things changed in a 6 month period when I was in college! Always new classes, new schedule, new dorms, new apartments, new roommates, friendships shift, study abroad, summers... new, new, new. I also had a lot of new boyfriends - but that is obviously consistant for you
Have things changed between the two of you since you asked her to be a BM... unless you are rehearsing at 10am on a Tuesday, how does she know about class in November? I am clearly supposed to be working on something else - which is why I'm playing Nancy Drew with your bridesmaid. Good luck!
dont worry about it... it's not like she's gonna get lost walking down the aisle on the big day - just tell her to follow the lead of the BMs walking ahead of her???
Enmoore66 .... We're getting marred Nov.1 of this year. We've been engaged for 2 years now, well I guess really a year and a half.
She has made her schedule for next semester, and apparently has class until 7:30pm that day. I've done the best I can on my rehearsal. We have to have it on Thursday due to halloween being the day before the wedding, Our church is being used for a halloween party and our families have plans. We can't have the rehearsal any later in the day on Thursday because there is church on Thursday nights. And we can't have it any other because everyone has jobs. All three of my BM's are in college, the other 2 have no problem with the rehearsal. This one however is already starting with excuses and I don't see things getting better. I can feel there is going to be an excuse for everything. "Oh I was .... I couldn't come to the dinner", "Oh I have to ... I can't help the MOH with the shower", "Oh I ..... we have to leave right after the ceramony" She is just a frustrating person to deal with. Obviously she is a good friend of mine or else I wouldn't have asked her to be in the wedding, it's just hard already hearing her complain.
Oh and to the different comments about missing a class ... class is not a huge priority to her, she will miss class for a lot less then a rehearsal. But I do understand where you are coming from.
Having been a bridesmaid who missed the rehearsal (I can't remember why - but I'm sure it was a "good" reason) - it's really NOT a big deal. Just ask the other maids to tell her what to do beforehand, and preferably stick here in the middle so she has someone to follow on both sides of her.
Maybe her class is more important to her than you realize - in which case I wouldn't push it.
If it's just that she's generally dissinteresed in the wedding than that's a whole other issue.
At my friend's wedding most of the bridal party missed the rehearsal due to a horrible storm and we all managed to get up the aisle and stand in the right place just fine.
If you know she is going to be a flake you have two options: (1) Demote her as a bridesmaid. Worst case: you lose the friendship. (2) Keep her as a bridesmaid with your expectations set so low that you are pleasantly surprised when she is able to attend a wedding-related event. Worst case: she misses the wedding and you have an uneven wedding party, which is verry okay these days. So which worst case is worse for you?
So I have an issue. I informed one of my bridesmaids when the rehearsal was and she basically told me she wont be there.
What do I do now?
posted by brittyxcore 8 posts 7 months agoWhat was her reasoning? It'd better be good!
posted by NorCalBride 307 posts 7 months agoYes, I agree I hope she had good reason why she can't make it. Though honestly it's not the end of the world if she really cannot attend. How many BMs do you have?
Ideally it would be nice if she's there, but she could easily be filled in with all the details. Hopefully she'll be the only one missing.
posted by lina624 60 posts 7 months agoYeah I would have to hope that it was a good reason.
If this were me, I would let her know that it's unexceptable, attending a rehersal is always a part of being in a wedding and if she can't fufil her duties as a BM, that she can step will be removed.
This is an important day and you need her to be there. You really only ask of BM's 1-3 days out of the year where they HAVE to be some place. There's no reason to not show up to this unless theres a death, or a trip planned far far in advance. Even that would tick me off as the rehersal is noramlly a day or so before the wedding so why would you travel then???
posted by Sweeney2Be 1,488 posts 7 months agoI'd need to know her reasoning before I can make a comment.
posted by caliocteach 716 posts 7 months ago--- Note ----
Well I guess she has class that night. However you're allowed to miss a max of 2 or 3 days per semester. So it's not like if she misses the class she is going to fail the class.
Also, I have 3 bridesmaids (including her) then my MOH.
posted by brittyxcore 8 posts 7 months agoCan you ask her if she can miss class or would that be rude? Can she come late or can you adjust the time so she can make it? Just some options. . .
posted by IndianBride 179 posts 7 months agoClass is not a good reason to miss. When she agreed to be a bridesmaid she agreed to all of the responsibilites of being a bridesmaid. One thing I did that helped my "inexperienced" bridesmaids understand their duties was printout the bridesmaid articles from The Knot and give them to my bridesmaids in a small packet with a thank you card. They thought this was really cool and very "me" (I can be a little OCD). I would talk to her privately about the importance of the bridesmaids roll and her being at the rehearsal. Maybe send her some links to the bridesmaid articles on The Knot.
Good luck!
posted by caliocteach 716 posts 7 months agoIf class effects her grade I totally understand. Especially younger bridesmaids may not realize the imporance of this event. I know there are several wedding party members that won't make ours and I knew that was a real possiblity early on so its a bit different. Just sit down and have a heart to heart with her and see if she can figure out a way to work her schedule around. If she's at least willing to talk about it you can proboably work something out.
If its something that is really critical to you then stick to your guns. I know when I started out that I was willing to sacrafice commitment to the bridesmaid role for my friends who I expected wouldn't fill it in a very traditional way. Turns out they're not and I'm going to be gluing together invitations by myself but I think its important that you make choices that reflect you. If you want a wedding with bridesmaids 100% then make sure to let her know what you're looking for.
posted by backyardbride 27 posts 7 months agoI've been a bridesmaid - and in August will be a bride - and really, how necessary is it that she is there. Obviously you want her there (as I want mine there), and I'd be really bummed - but it will not in anyway ruin your ceremony if she doesn't rehearse. She will follow the BM in front of her and all will be fine.
I am assuming that she is one of your closest friend (as my BMs are) and I'd never ever consider asking a close friend to "step down." I think that is harsh. We love close friends just the way they are - and in this case maybe that means you love her as an overly anxious student (as most of us will agree that she can miss a class). But "demoting" a close friend is surely a friendship hurter. Before I was a bride, I didn't realize how important so many things were to brides (and now I do get it!), so that may be part of it. Tell her you are bummed. Tell her that if there is any way she can miss class you would really, really appreciate it. And tell her if she has to go to class you understand and you look forward to seeing her at the rehearsal dinner when class is over.
My advice is to not react to this for a week. You are very entitled to feeling disappointed, hurt, frustrated - but let the emotions simmer down and then talk to your good friend about it. Good luck!
posted by enmoore66 217 posts 7 months agoIn my experience, if I talked to a professor, things like this are easy to work out (though maybe I just have had awesome professors) and if she did some extra credit work she'd be able to make it up easily. I mean, unless your wedding falls during midterms or finals, it shouldn't be all that hard to miss class and make it up somehow. Professors generally have lives, too.
I agree with the general sentiment - class isn't a good enough reason (unless she's really failing or something like that). You should really have a talk with her.
posted by bethgraced 105 posts 7 months agoWell, the duties of a BM are important. Obviously, its also important to make it to classes - more important for some classes than others, and more important to some people than others. You do have to respect her priorities, at least a little. I would find out what time her class is, and see if you can't adjust your rehearsal time a little earlier or later so that she can make it before or after class. If your rehearsal time is not flexible, then perhaps you can ask her if there's any way she can talk to her professor about missing one class. Maybe there is a class participation grade, maybe it's a class she is having trouble with, maybe her professor is not very understanding - but I think most profs will help you out if you need to miss one class. But I would see if you can't adjust things on your side too - you know, once you seem willing to compromise most other people are also willing to compromise. And even if there's no way to work it out so she can be there, at least you will understand a little better why she can't make it. Maybe you can get access to your venue another time to show her the layout, and explain how the service will go, and she'll just have to wing it. Having been a BM numerous times, I have to say that generally all you do is walk up the aisle, stand at the front, pass back the bouquets, look at the bride, and walk back out again. Its not that hard. The main advantage of the rehearsal seems to be learning the name of the GM who will walk with you. Its usually not hard to find either the aisle or the front of the church!
By which I just mean, although its disappointing if she can't make it, I don't think it means that she's liable to do anything terribly wrong on the day of.
posted by suzanno 1,955 posts 7 months agoI think class is a pretty valid reason (assuming the class she wants to go to is not some basket weaving class she just takes for fun). Speaking as a long time student, I think that attending class is very important and you shouldn't be upset with your bridesmaid unless you think that her class is not really important to her and she is just using it as an excuse.
posted by lc80 55 posts 7 months agoi agree with enmoore. i understand that you want your friend to be at the rehearsal and you probably feel like she's choosing class over your rehearsal...of course we want our BM to be there, buuut in the grand scheme of things, the ceremony will not be ruined by any means. she can learn that stuff on the day of the ceremony/follow the BM in front of her. and i would imagine that class/education/school is really important and she must feel like its important not to miss that lecture for her to say she can't go to the rehearsal. i'm sure there are a multitude of reasons why she can't miss that class (maybe she feels weak in that subject presented on that day, maybe class participation is important, maybe she needs to go to show the professor that she's trying hard to get a better grade.....) ultimately, its better to be gracious and allow her to miss her rehearsal than making her feel like she has to possibly sacrifice her grade to make it. it'll be ok!!
posted by puffykins 53 posts 7 months agoi agree with lc80. class is a valid enough reason to miss the rehearsal. i'm currently in grad school and if i missed class, i would be missing a lot of information. i've been in several weddings and while a BM should be there to hear about the logisitics, it won't ruin your wedding. she can get the info from another BM. (this is of course assuming that her class is important for her degree...)
posted by cbella 11 posts 7 months agoI just looked at your profile - you are getting married on November 1st - does she even have her class schedule for next semester? I also see that you are 21 and having a two year engagement... if you are all in college together (with the BM) - a lot can change in two years in college. I am NOT at all trying to talk down, on the contrary, it is just very little changes for me now (late 20's) with regards to my friends, career, living situation in a 2 year period compared to how frequently things changed in a 6 month period when I was in college! Always new classes, new schedule, new dorms, new apartments, new roommates, friendships shift, study abroad, summers... new, new, new. I also had a lot of new boyfriends - but that is obviously consistant for you
Have things changed between the two of you since you asked her to be a BM... unless you are rehearsing at 10am on a Tuesday, how does she know about class in November? I am clearly supposed to be working on something else - which is why I'm playing Nancy Drew with your bridesmaid. Good luck!
posted by enmoore66 217 posts 7 months agodont worry about it... it's not like she's gonna get lost walking down the aisle on the big day - just tell her to follow the lead of the BMs walking ahead of her???
posted by Anti-Zilla 385 posts 7 months agoEnmoore66 .... We're getting marred Nov.1 of this year. We've been engaged for 2 years now, well I guess really a year and a half.
She has made her schedule for next semester, and apparently has class until 7:30pm that day. I've done the best I can on my rehearsal. We have to have it on Thursday due to halloween being the day before the wedding, Our church is being used for a halloween party and our families have plans. We can't have the rehearsal any later in the day on Thursday because there is church on Thursday nights. And we can't have it any other because everyone has jobs. All three of my BM's are in college, the other 2 have no problem with the rehearsal. This one however is already starting with excuses and I don't see things getting better. I can feel there is going to be an excuse for everything. "Oh I was .... I couldn't come to the dinner", "Oh I have to ... I can't help the MOH with the shower", "Oh I ..... we have to leave right after the ceramony" She is just a frustrating person to deal with. Obviously she is a good friend of mine or else I wouldn't have asked her to be in the wedding, it's just hard already hearing her complain.
Oh and to the different comments about missing a class ... class is not a huge priority to her, she will miss class for a lot less then a rehearsal. But I do understand where you are coming from.
posted by brittyxcore 8 posts 7 months agoHaving been a bridesmaid who missed the rehearsal (I can't remember why - but I'm sure it was a "good" reason) - it's really NOT a big deal. Just ask the other maids to tell her what to do beforehand, and preferably stick here in the middle so she has someone to follow on both sides of her.
Maybe her class is more important to her than you realize - in which case I wouldn't push it.
If it's just that she's generally dissinteresed in the wedding than that's a whole other issue.
posted by MsB 212 posts 7 months agoAt my friend's wedding most of the bridal party missed the rehearsal due to a horrible storm and we all managed to get up the aisle and stand in the right place just fine.
If you know she is going to be a flake you have two options: (1) Demote her as a bridesmaid. Worst case: you lose the friendship. (2) Keep her as a bridesmaid with your expectations set so low that you are pleasantly surprised when she is able to attend a wedding-related event. Worst case: she misses the wedding and you have an uneven wedding party, which is verry okay these days. So which worst case is worse for you?
posted by vyeta7 170 posts 7 months ago