(Closed) Bridesmaid problems.

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

What was her reasoning? It’d better be good!

Post # 4
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Yes, I agree I hope she had good reason why she can’t make it.  Though honestly it’s not the end of the world if she really cannot attend.  How many BMs do you have?

Ideally it would be nice if she’s there, but she could easily be filled in with all the details.  Hopefully she’ll be the only one missing.

Post # 5
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Yeah I would have to hope that it was a good reason.

If this were me, I would let her know that it’s unexceptable, attending a rehersal is always a part of being in a wedding and if she can’t fufil her duties as a BM, that she can step will be removed.

This is an important day and you need her to be there. You really only ask of BM’s 1-3 days out of the year where they HAVE to be some place. There’s no reason to not show up to this unless theres a death, or a trip planned far far in advance. Even that would tick me off as the rehersal is noramlly a day or so before the wedding so why would you travel then??? 

Post # 6
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I’d need to know her reasoning before I can make a comment.

Post # 8
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Can you ask her if she can miss class or would that be rude? Can she come late or can you adjust the time so she can make it? Just some options. . .

Post # 9
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Class is not a good reason to miss.  When she agreed to be a bridesmaid she agreed to all of the responsibilites of being a bridesmaid.  One thing I did that helped my "inexperienced" bridesmaids understand their duties was printout the bridesmaid articles from The Knot and give them to my bridesmaids in a small packet with a thank you card.  They thought this was really cool and very "me" (I can be a little OCD).  I would talk to her privately about the importance of the bridesmaids roll and her being at the rehearsal.  Maybe send her some links to the bridesmaid articles on The Knot. 

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

If class effects her grade I totally understand. Especially younger bridesmaids may not realize the imporance of this event. I know there are several wedding party members that won’t make ours and I knew that was a real possiblity early on so its a bit different. Just sit down and have a heart to heart with her and see if she can figure out a way to work her schedule around. If she’s at least willing to talk about it you can proboably work something out.

 If its something that is really critical to you then stick to your guns. I know when I started out that I was willing to sacrafice commitment to the bridesmaid role for my friends who I expected wouldn’t fill it in a very traditional way. Turns out they’re not and I’m going to be gluing together invitations by myself but I think its important that you make choices that reflect you. If you want a wedding with bridesmaids 100% then make sure to let her  know what you’re looking for. 

Post # 11
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I’ve been a bridesmaid – and in August will be a bride – and really, how necessary is it that she is there.  Obviously you want her there (as I want mine there), and I’d be really bummed – but it will not in anyway ruin your ceremony if she doesn’t rehearse.  She will follow the BM in front of her and all will be fine.

I am assuming that she is one of your closest friend (as my BMs are) and I’d never ever consider asking a close friend to "step down."  I think that is harsh.  We love close friends just the way they are – and in this case maybe that means you love her as an overly anxious student (as most of us will agree that she can miss a class).  But "demoting" a close friend is surely a friendship hurter.  Before I was a bride, I didn’t realize how important so many things were to brides (and now I do get it!), so that may be part of it.  Tell her you are bummed.  Tell her that if there is any way she can miss class you would really, really appreciate it.  And tell her if she has to go to class you understand and you look forward to seeing her at the rehearsal dinner when class is over.

My advice is to not react to this for a week.  You are very entitled to feeling disappointed, hurt, frustrated – but let the emotions simmer down and then talk to your good friend about it.  Good luck! 

Post # 12
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

In my experience, if I talked to a professor, things like this are easy to work out (though maybe I just have had awesome professors) and if she did some extra credit work she’d be able to make it up easily.  I mean, unless your wedding falls during midterms or finals, it shouldn’t be all that hard to miss class and make it up somehow.  Professors generally have lives, too.

I agree with the general sentiment – class isn’t a good enough reason (unless she’s really failing or something like that).  You should really have a talk with her.

Post # 13
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Well, the duties of a BM are important.  Obviously, its also important to make it to classes – more important for some classes than others, and more important to some people than others.  You do have to respect her priorities, at least a little.  I would find out what time her class is, and see if you can’t adjust your rehearsal time a little earlier or later so that she can make it before or after class.  If your rehearsal time is not flexible, then perhaps you can ask her if there’s any way she can talk to her professor about missing one class.  Maybe there is a class participation grade, maybe it’s a class she is having trouble with, maybe her professor is not very understanding – but I think most profs will help you out if you need to miss one class.  But I would see if you can’t adjust things on your side too – you know, once you seem willing to compromise most other people are also willing to compromise.  And even if there’s no way to work it out so she can be there, at least you will understand a little better why she can’t make it.  Maybe you can get access to your venue another time to show her the layout, and explain how the service will go, and she’ll just have to wing it.  Having been a BM numerous times, I have to say that generally all you do is walk up the aisle, stand at the front, pass back the bouquets, look at the bride, and walk back out again.  Its not that hard.  The main advantage of the rehearsal seems to be learning the name of the GM who will walk with you.  Its usually not hard to find either the aisle or the front of the church!  By which I just mean, although its disappointing if she can’t make it, I don’t think it means that she’s liable to do anything terribly wrong on the day of.

Post # 14
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

I think class is a pretty valid reason (assuming the class she wants to go to is not some basket weaving class she just takes for fun). Speaking as a long time student, I think that attending class is very important and you shouldn’t be upset with your bridesmaid unless you think that her class is not really important to her and she is just using it as an excuse.

Post # 15
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

i agree with enmoore. i understand that you want your friend to be at the rehearsal and you probably feel like she’s choosing class over your rehearsal…of course we want our BM to be there, buuut in the grand scheme of things, the ceremony will not be ruined by any means. she can learn that stuff on the day of the ceremony/follow the BM in front of her. and i would imagine that class/education/school is really important and she must feel like its important not to miss that lecture for her to say she can’t go to the rehearsal. i’m sure there are a multitude of reasons why she can’t miss that class (maybe she feels weak in that subject presented on that day, maybe class participation is important, maybe she needs to go to show the professor that she’s trying hard to get a better grade…..) ultimately, its better to be gracious and allow her to miss her rehearsal than making her feel like she has to possibly sacrifice her grade to make it. it’ll be ok!!

Post # 16
Member
11 posts
Newbee

i agree with lc80.  class is a valid enough reason to miss the rehearsal.  i’m currently in grad school and if i missed class, i would be missing a lot of information.  i’ve been in several weddings and while a BM should be there to hear about the logisitics, it won’t ruin your wedding.  she can get the info from another BM.  (this is of course assuming that her class is important for her degree…)

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