Post # 1
I am getting married in 10 months and have not offically asked people to be in the wedding, specifically because I am worried I won’t be friends with them forever.
My friend got married in May 2009 and I was a bridesmaid. She initially asked several people and ended up kicking them out before the wedding because she did not talk to them anymore. Now that I am getting, I have not seen this friend since her wedding and she could care less that I am getting married now.
Do I ask her to be a bridesmaid knowing that our friendship is basically over?
Post # 3
Why would you want a friend as a bridesmaid who isn’t there for you and doesn’t support you two as a couple? There is no rule saying that because you were her bridesmaid, she has to be yours.
Post # 4
You are in no way obligated to ask her to be a BM just because you were one of hers, especially since you guys no longer talk and that she doesn’t seem to have any interest in your wedding. Trust me, I did ask one girl just because a) her husband is the BM and b) I was in her wedding this past year and not that I regret it, but she wasn’t actually on my list of have to be standing up there with me girls. It’s totally your choice who you choose. Some people go with girls they’ve known forever, but for me, it wasn’t a matter of who I was friends with the longest who was asked, I didn’t want someone who only knew me when I was single and didn’t know me now with my FI to be up there.
Post # 5
You in no way have ask someone who asked you to be in their wedding. You need to ask supportive women and close friends, the people you go to for advice. I’ve had friends ask their moms, seen bloggers ask their brothers. For me, I asked my three oldest friends and two friends who are wives of my FI’s friends. I thought about asking cousins to.
But don’t think you a) have to have even numbers BMs to GMs, b) have to have only women stand up for you, or c) ask people you’ve stood up for. Whoever you pick should be there for you to help support you emotionally and help get things done for you when you need them.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2010 - Carlouel Yacht Club
Your BM’s should be the people that you WANT to have in your wedding party; there should be no obligation whatsoever to ask someone to be a BM just because you were one in her wedding. Heavens, if we all did that then can you imagine the size your wedding party could grow to? It should be whatever/whoever you are comfortable with!
Post # 7
No. Clearly your relationshp isn’t that close. Even though you were one of the girls she asked in her wedding, does not mean you need to return the favor.
Post # 8
I agree. I initially felt obligated to return the bridesmaid favor. I was in three weddings – two as BM and one as MOH. I discussed with my closest friends and family and came to realization that it is most important to put in a few other really great friends (I know I would miss them if they weren’t helping me get ready). I am going to ask my other friends (whose wedding I was in) to be guests of honor and maybe help me get ready, etc.
Post # 9
I just want to play Devil’s Advocate for a bit here. I was a BM in my best friend’s wedding and I heard from her very sporadically after the wedding. We live 10 hours apart so I didn’t see her for about 7 months after the wedding. It wasn’t because we weren’t friends anymore but because she was incredibly busy and wanted to devote a lot of time to her new marriage. Maybe it’s the same situation for your friend? Deep down I know who my friends are going to be for the rest of my life and I knew she was one of them.
That being said, I decided not to have one girl as my BM. She and I were best friends, inseparable, from 7th grade until college. We were still good friends in college but I’ve realized that in the 3 years since, she only calls when she’s bored and needs someone to talk to in order to fill the time. I think she is upset not to be a BM but she hasn’t said anything. I think it sealed it this Christmas when I made several efforts to see her but she would only text me back hours after I called her. Maybe it was partly her being bitter about not being in the wedding but it really showed how good of a friend she is. For all she knows, I may not have picked my BMs yet. I was planning on having her as a greeter but I’m rethinking that idea now as well.
Post # 10
Thank you so much for the support. It is a tough situation. I work midnights and my days off are those that are different than everyone else. I try to stay in contact the best I can but sometimes it is extremely hard to do so and I feel if I don’t put in the effort, she won’t either. You would think this alone would be enough for me, but I feel bad.
What kills me in this situation is the fact that she went through this and I would think that she would be trying to avoid what happened to her.
Post # 11
I pretty much agree with everyone’s advice. I have dealt with this situation on both ends. When a friend I was formerly close with didn’t ask me to be in her wedding, I really wasn’t upset! I was actually glad she didn’t feel obligated to ask me and that I didn’t feel obligated to say yes! I went to her wedding and had a great time! So, I’m keeping that in mind when it comes to my bridesmaids. It’s probably going to be strained on both ends if you’re not close (I’ve also had one of those experiences!).
Post # 12
i wouldn’t ask a friend to be in your wedding out of obligation. i was just in a friends wedding, and i felt like she asked most of her bridesmaids because she had been friends with us all for so long, not because she is still good friends with everyone. most of her bridesmaids were not there for her when she needed them, and one even dropped out on her. half of them didn’t participate in the prewedding activities, and i really felt bad for her during it all. i would pick people that you know will be there for you 100%, and that you really want to be there 100%.