Post # 1
I got a call from a BM that moved to Cali (we all live in NJ). She said she needed to have a serious talk with me about the wedding. She went on to say that she cannot afford to be in the wedding. It’s too expensive and she just has not been responsible with money. She still wants to come and be invited, but can’t be in the wedding.
I was shocked. This particular BM is the reason that my FH and I are even together. She set us up, was the first to belive in us, and has been here with us on our entire ‘journey’ together. I had asked her to be a BM in December of 2010. I asked her first because of the financial reasons. I asked the girls to follow two rules: don’t be prettier than me, and wear the color tealness – any dress, any length, and fabric. I don’t care about hair, or make-up or shoes or jewelry (honest, I really don’t give a crap what they wear). I know that BM dresses can be expensive, but part of the reason I gave so much freedom was to avoid the financial issues. I know that both of my MOH talked to her about not contributing to the shower/bachelorette party because of her flight.
I found out a few days ago that her high school reunion (where she was the vp of the sga and is helping to plan the event) is the night before the wedding at the same reception location….
After thinking it over I thought it was odd that she still wanted to be invited and attend, but not be part of the wedding. I haven’t spoken to her to confirm if she is going to the reunion…in part because if she is, I probably won’t ever speak to her again.
We are under 8 months until the wedding. I don’t know if I should replace her, leave things as they are (uneven BP members drives me nuts), or try to convince her to come back.
Have you ever been in this situation? What did you do? I’m so sad over all this.
Post # 3
Why would you not talk to her bc she went to the reunion?
Post # 4
That seems like an overreaction to her going to a reunion. I’d be happy she’d be there at all. By the way, the “don’t be prettier than me” thing…well…I’d be dropping out of the wedding if a bride had that attitude.
Post # 5
“don’t be prettier than me” are you serious? I wouldn’t be in your bridal party either.
Post # 6
Since my bridesmaids know my infinitly sarcastic sense of humor, they understood the prettier than me comment.
If she wants to go to the reunion, why can’t she be in the wedding the next day? I would have loved to have had her just for the wedding day – she doesn’t really need to be at the rehearsal the night before. I just feel it’s rude to pick the reunion when she had well over two years notice of the wedding. If cost was an issue and she couldn’t come back to Jersey at all I would understand that situation.
It just hurt so much to know that I’ve tried to include her in all the things that have gone on over the last 18 months and then she says she doesn’t want to be in the wedding but wants to come… I don’t understand that.
Post # 7
I had the same thing happen to me!! and she dropped out by TEXT and went on to criticize my wedding choices. it was a bad couple of days.
Ultimately I realized that she felt uncomfortable being in the “role” and was worried about the money (also long distance- altho not as far as CA and NJ)
If the high school reunion is the night before your wedding in the SAME location, that’s great that she’s able to attend both events! I don’t completely understand your reaction to her going to the reunion, but maybe I’m not clear.
If you really want her as a BM, talk to her again about your limited expectations (she can choose any dress in the colour, and just show up and have a good time) – it seems she’s already planning on booking the flight?
Post # 8
Do you think perhaps the money thing is just her excuse for politely backing out? Maybe you guys have drifted apart since she lives on the other side of the country now among other things?
I don’t think you’re being ridiculous about the “don’t be prettier” thing because it sounded like a joke to me. Kind of an awkward one to some, but a joke still.
Also, do you think you’re overreacting just a tad to the reunion thing since you don’t even know her plans to go or not? I can understand being upset and your feelings are obviously very hurt! But it is up to you if you want it to be a friendship-ender. If she did choose to go and not be in or come to your wedding, just cross that bridge when you come to it. No need to add any addumptions or guesses when it’s already a sticky situation, know what I mean?
Post # 9
[content removed for snark]
Post # 10
@SandyToes: I know how all of the events surrounding your wedding are extremely important to you, but this friend wants to be supportive of you by being a guest anyway. I know she’s had since 2010 to be a bridesmaid or what have you. Maybe the dress isn’t the problem? Maybe whomever talked to her about her lack of planning or contribution was harsh about it? Maybe they were asking more than she could afford?
On a different side of things, maybe she has anxiety about public events and would rather not be in the public eye? It doesn’t mean that she loves you any less. Just like the reunion.
Her going to her own reunion only happens every once in a while. Why WOULDN’T you want her to go and reconnect with old friends? That’s a right everyone as a student has, and you shouldn’t be angry with her for wanting to participate in her own life’s events. She wants to share her time with you too though, don’t forget that. But being angry with her for wanting to go to a reunion commemorating a very special time in a person’s childhood is NOT reasonable whatsoever. Please rethink your position; she isn’t doing anything wrong, and is going to attend your big day. Your ONE big day–the one that matters.
Post # 11
@angelinamichael: No need to name call. OP came for advice and support.
Post # 12
I understood that the “don’t be prettier than me” thing was a joke. However, I still don’t get how the reunion comes into play? Can she not attend both? One is a Friday and the other a Saturday, right?
Post # 13
First of all, “under 8 months” is pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenty of time. Lots of girls don’t even choose their wedding party until 6-8 months, partly because, as you’ve found out – over lots of time “stuff” happens. If you want to choose another bridesmaid, go ahead! Its not like you’re 3 weeks out! If not, uneven bridal parties are not something to be upset about – in fact, I think more weddings Ive been to and in have been uneven than not.
Secondly, this IS a thing to be disappointed about. This is NOT a thing to end a friendship over. You could spend hours speculating over what could have been behind her decision. Or you could send her a follow-up email and ask her if everything is OK and that you’d hate for her to feel pressured to drop out due to finances that you’d gladly let slide.
Third, who cares if she goes to the reunion? I’d be psyched if it worked out that a friend could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak, if she was flying across the country for my wedding. Reunions cost mayyyybe 30-40 bucks if that? So that doesn’t really factor in to anything she said to you.
Post # 14
I get it. She won’t be going to her reunion for FREE, so why couldn’t she just skip THAT and be a part of your wedding if her dropping out is due only to finances.
I’d be hurt too. A friendship ender? Maybe.
When people show you who they really are,believe them.
Post # 15
I am having trouble paying for my own wedding due to circumstances in my life that recently changed. I am also a BM in a wedding in FL in July. We have dresses, plane tickets, hotels, showers, bachelorette parties to pay for. I would never drop out, mainly because this girl is the Matron of Honor in my wedding and one of my best friends. That being said, I can really understand that sometimes, financial reasons aside, being a member of a bridal party can be a bit overwhelming because it does require some work/responsibilities and sometimes that just overwhelms people.
Also, I would be so happy if the reunion was on the same night and she was able to come kill two birds with one stone.
It’s disappointing for sure! But ultimately, if this is a better decision for her, it’s a better decision for you. And the fact that she still wants to be invited is a good sign, she still really wants to be a part of your special day.
Post # 16
@SandyToes: Sorry to hear of her request potentially throwing a wrench into your works but it sounds like you have 8 months to work out this kink so hang in there.
It sounds like there are two factors here: finances and peace of mind.
Regarding finances, it sounds like even with advance notice, times are hard and she just can’t manage the added expenses of being a BM (dress, hair, makeup, rental car, flight, meals, etc.) As much as you are not demanding much of your BM’s and being mindful of not having her contribute to the shower or bachelorette, there are still expenses.
Now, if she is going to the reunion and will be in the area, but is hoping to attend your wedding as a guest, then that to me says she just needs some peace of mind. It sounds like she is a main organizer of the reunion and that must be quite a job. Maybe she wants to attend your wedding and be happy for you without the stress of getting picture perfect or being there hours ahead of time or whatever, when she will have just gone through a stressful time the day prior at the reunion. This is not to say that your wedding day is less important than the reunion, just that, circumstances as they are, the reunion comes first and she is trying to be responsible to/present at both events.
If she really means a lot to you, accept that she is being kind to give you advance notice so you can rearrange as needed, and let her be a guest. Perhaps you might ask her to do a reading instead?
I don’t think this is a friendship deal-breaker. I think she is communicating to you, and understands the importance of what she is asking. See if you can talk it out with her.