Bridesmaid rant!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@thumpurr:  Yes.  It is not her job to help you plan or “contribute” to your wedding costs and three hours is a long drive to get a dress altered.

Post # 4
Member
5008 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@thumpurr:  I am confused. You asked her to drive 3 hours to get her bridesmaids dress altered? 

Why can’t she get it altered in her town? I would think you were being ridiculous if I had to drive 3 hours to get a dress altered. That’s insane. 

Post # 6
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

She’s 19. I think your expectations are not in touch with reality.

If she doesn’t want to drive, offer to send her a bus ticket. I’ll bet she changes her mind.

 

Post # 7
Member
536 posts
Busy bee

@HannahGrace:  I think OP is talking about her contributing to the cost of being in the wedding (dress, shoes, etc.), which is a fair and reasonable expectation typically. 

Im sorry you’re frustrated, OP.  But based on what you said, it sounds like this girl is not someone you’re particularly close with.  She’s young, probably immature and potentially only doing this because you’re paying for everything. If you wanted your daughter to have someone there her age, why not just invite the girl as a guest?

Post # 8
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i agree you should get a thank you for what you have done – BUT as far as the ‘you haven’t helped plan’ or ‘paid a dime’ – that’s ridiculous. she’s 19 and you’re (i’m guessing) at least 36. why would a 19 year old help you plan (that’s not even a bridesmaid’s job) or pay (when you are much older, in a better financial position etc. you chose to have an ‘ott weekend’ and to pay for everything. you can’t do that and then hold it over someone’s head. 

and why can’t she get the dress altered in town? at 19 i would NEVER have done a drive like that myself for such a frivolous reason, in fact, i still wouldn’t. 

Post # 9
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Maybe because you are used to driving long distances, 3 hours doesn’t seem like much…but it is!  I would think that is totally unreasonable.

Also, it isn’t really the job of the bridesmaids to help you plan – it is nice if they do, but they aren’t obliged to.

Finally, let’s look at this from a different perspective.  From your perspective, this is all a fun, extravagant weekend at your expense.  From the perspective of a teenager, this may be something she is obliged to do because you are her aunt, and she isn’t necessarily that interested.  You aren’t doing all of this ‘for her’, you are doing it for YOUR day, and she is just a (perhaps somewhat unwilling?) participant.

Post # 10
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@spezia:  It is, but not for a 19 year old that the OP doesn’t seem particularly close to.  And expecting a 19 year old to help an adult with wedding planning is crazy.

Post # 11
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@thumpurr:  in your rural town there isn’t a woman who does alterations out of her house? or can sew? i can think of 3 women off the top of my head who could hem a dress if i needed them to. maybe look into an option like that.

Post # 12
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

Yea I wouldn’t drive 3 hours anywhere, that is too long. She’s your niece not your friend so I wouldn’t expect her to even do anything honestly. Some kids wouldn’t see an all expense paid out of town wedding as a luxury but as a job, and on top of it you want her to drive 3 hours to get her dress tailored.

Post # 13
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I get you’re frustrated, but think about this…

a) She is 19

b) You said yourself you only asked her to keep your daughter company. “Everything you have done for her” is really ultimately for you and your daughter, so she will be there to keep her company. She’s not getting anything out of this, so why does she owe you anything?

c) At 19, paying for a three hour trip (six roundtrip) to get my dress altered for someone’s wedding when I’m only there to keep my cousing company? I would have bitched about that too.

Really, what did you expect? 

Post # 14
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Out of town weekend to chill and do nothing = Luxury

Out of town weekend to be in a wedding = Work

 

You asked your niece to be in the wedding so your daughter would have someone to be with.  You didn’t have to ask her. 

This is a 19 year old kid you are dealing with.  Why should she plan your wedding?  I wouldn’t expect a teenager in my bridal party to do a damn thing with planning.  I remember being 18 and in my aunt’s wedding.  I didn’t do anything but try on my dress and attend the shower and wedding.  I didn’t lift a finger, didn’t do a thing to contribute to the wedding, and she didn’t bitch once about it.  She included me in everything and expected nothing from me. 

You are being extremely reasonable.  I find it funny that you’re not ok with your OWN kid driving but have an issue with your driving.  Funny how you make an exception for your kid and not someone else’s kid.

Post # 15
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Dang, some of the bees are being really hard on the OP.

3hrs is a long way to go for dress alterations. If you still want to include your niece, can you find a local seamstresses? Craigslist or Yelp might be good resources.

As for the rest, the girl seems like she was being bratty and defensive when she got caught out. There are a lot of snotty kids that age; I mostly blame parents that didn’t spank or consistently discipline their children.

Many bees jumped all over you about expecting/wanting help from your young BMs with planning, cost sharing, etc. Funny thing is that if you were a bride closer in age to your BMs, I bet a lot of those responses would have been “Ugh, dump her, she is a sucky BM.” Give her an out and let your daughter invite a girl friend as a companion if your niece decides to ditch the event.

Post # 16
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@thumpurr:  I think you need to back off a bit and cool down. The txt wasn’t meant for YOU, it was meant for HER MOM.  Sooo….she can vent.  Its allowed.  3 hours to get a dress altered is a lot, it is.  I would vent about that too.  It doesn’t mean she isn’t gratetful that you are taking care of everything (which I think is really awesome), but just that she is venting. 

She’s also 19…. most girls at 19 don’t have any clue what it is like to work so hard to keep their family afloat.  She’s also essentially just a prop for your wedding….someone to keep your daughter company and round out the “look” of the wedding.  Don’t expect any more from her than that and I think you’ll find it all less stressful.  

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