Post # 1
My friend told me last week that she could be my bridesmaid, but then she told me today that she can’t. She’s my oldest friend. We were best friends from age 2 to 13. We only stopped being best friends because at 13 I had to move another city 4 hours away. We don’t get to see each other but once every few years now, but we share a special bond because of how close we were growing up. She sent me this Facebook message tonight and it made me really sad. I’m not going to lie-I cried after I read it because I was disappointed in the way she handled this. So here’s what she said word-for-word:
“So I crunched the numbers and between gas money to get there (and back home), hotel fees, the dress, and meals, I am not going to be able to afford it. I am so honored that you wanted me to be your bridesmaid and if it was in [where she lives 4 hours away] there wouldn’t be a second thought about it, and I am so sorry that I am unable to come. Plus, weddings are more about families and I think that I may not get to spend much time with you. I don’t mean that in the sense that you would be ignoring me, just that you would be so busy making sure things were getting done and meeting the family and so on, and id rather spend money on a day I know we can spend a lot of time together.
Now I do have a wedding present for you, so I am going to need you to give me your address for me to send you the present. Again I am so sorry that it is not going to work out and I hope that your wedding goes smoothly!”
I understand her not being able to be a bridesmaid for financial reasons (although I’m even letting my bridesmaids pick out their own dresses so they can choose how much they want to spend). She’s in college, so I understand that money is tight, but I excepected more effort from her. What I’m upset about is the fact that she isn’t even going to come to my wedding at all. It’s only a 4 hour drive and if she wasn’t in the wedding, she would only have to spend 1 night at a hotel. I wasn’t even asking her to help me with any of the wedding details or travel for any showers even. Also, it hurt me that she said that weddings were more about families. I was asking her to be my freaking bridesmaid! So obviously I felt that she was very important and therefore would have spent time with her. And then she just tells me that she’ll send me a present and that is that. It’s just very sad to me that she can’t make it and the way she worded everything bothered me.
Am I overreacting or would you also be hurt if you got this message from a lifelong friend? How should I respond to her? Thanks everyone 🙂
Post # 3
She is just not that into you. Dont be upset. One of my cousins like real cousins…I thought we were close she never picked up her dress and then she got mad at me for not asking her to be a bridesmaid…my best friend paid for her dress and told me to ignore her.
If you really want her at your wedding. Tell her to bring a plus one and find accomodation for her. Maybe another bridesmaid????? It is your choice in the end. Dont suffer people who love you and want to be there for you will make it happen. Maybe you are more her friend than she is yours. Dont feel bad it happens to all of us.
Post # 4
@misslala: I would definitely be really disappointed, but I wouldn’t be at all offended by what she wrote. I think she was kind and gracious and honest. Though you see the effort as “only” this and that, to her it’s obviously not “only”. It seems that she thought about it and let you know right away that it wouldn’t work, and that she’s disappointed, too, but she’s not going to be able to manage it. She could have been distant and not told you until closer to the wedding, etc.
All taht said, I do understand your disappointment. It’s hard when you feel that way about someone / something and it doesn’t work out. I’m sorry for that.
Post # 5
@misslala: I’m sorry that you feel so disappointed but I think she was just being honest and straight to the point.
You are obviously not as close as you thought which is sad but happens to all of us.
I do think that she should have at least made an effort to come to your wedding and this would probably hurt me the most.
Post # 6
Her message seems very sincere and appears she did not want to hurt your feelings. It’s understandable that you are upset, but I think that her message was straight forward and you really don’t have a reason to look in to it further.
I know some times we say, “I would never…” but you have to remember she is not you. She does have a choice and who knows, she may have some anxiety disorder or underlying issues preventing her from going.
Post # 7
If she can’t afford the gas to get there and back as a Bridesmaid or Best Man then she can’t afford the gas to get there and back as a guest right? A friend wouldn’t put another friend in financial difficultly.
I think you are overreacting. You have the right to be disappointed that she can’t be there but you have no right to be angry at her about it. She was upfront and honest with you about the situation. That is what friends do.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I would be hurt too, more so that she’s not even going to come to your wedding at all. I’ve have been broke as hell, but I’d still come up with the $200 or whatever to drive to a friend’s wedding. I think PPs are right that she’s not as invested in the relationship as you. Sorry girl 🙁
Post # 9
I’d be bummed too, and it sounds like it’s really important to you that she’s there. If it’s financially feasible, you could help pay for some of her expenses.
Post # 10
@misslala: I don’t know her situation, but I’ve been unemployed for a year and the only reason I’m able to go to my best friend’s wedding (also about a 4 hour drive) is because my boyfriend is paying for the hotel. You said you asked her last week? On my budget, there is no way I’d be able to save for a dress, much less gas money & a hotel, in that amount of time. I’ve known for 2 months where my friend’s wedding was going to be and I am still scrounging money together for a dress.
Post # 11
She’s not being rude at all. She honestly just can’t afford it. Even with cutting corners, she probably can’t. Four hours of driving takes up a lot of gas, she wants to have a great dress for a good price without looking tacky or out of place, and she is definitely being courteous and sincere. I can definitely empathize.
If it was my best friend, and this was the situation, I would be in no way financially up for doing a wedding such as that. I would maybe ask her for some help on the expenses, and I know my Fiance would help, but if she has no SO, or no one willing to help her, I don’t think she’d be able to do it herself.
She was being very reasonable imo. Give her a little more credit.
Post # 12
It’s unreasonable to think that if she can’t afford to come as a Bridesmaid or Best Man that she’d be able to come as a guest.
Post # 13
At least she told you early on and didn’t wait until the last minute and bail on you. I’ve seen that happen and that sucks. She sounds sincere in the message and it’s probably a financial thing plus maybe not feeling close enough to you to make the commitment of standing up. You gotta give her credit for being honest.
Post # 14
@misslala: It’s natural to be disappointed, but I don’t think she is any less of a friend. Some people can’t afford it, period. If your date is correct, she’s only got about 6 weeks to save.
I think she’s being realistic about how much time she could spend with you: given the choice between spending a whole day with you, or witnessing your wedding and maybe talking to you for 10 minutes, she’d choose the former. Not what I would choose, but I can understand the reasoning.
Also, is there someone’s house she can stay at, to avoid any hotel costs? As in, “I’d still love you to come, you could stay at (e.g.) my mom’s house”.
Post # 15
I think it’s a pretty classy note — except I think I would have called and broken the news to you verbally. I’m sure she really wants to be there, and I know that you want her to be there too. Don’t let this get in the way of your existing friendship.
If you think it’s a possibility, maybe email back with some possible “hacks” — do you know anyone who is coming from that direction with whom she could carpool? Maybe Greyhound or Megabus would be a more affordable option for travel? Someone she could split a room with or whose spare room she could crash in?
Post # 16
Etiquette Snob here… so perhaps another point of view…
First and foremost, I don’t think she was rude at all… as another Bee said she was being dead honest and sincere with you.
Now from an Etiqutte point of view… I think that if you wanted to, you might still be able to salvage this situation… maybe even so far as having her as a Bridesmaid.
From a traditional Etiquette stand point (North America Standards) … as the Bride YOU are responsible for the following expenses for your Bridal Party
* Accommodations – as a MINIMUM that would be the Hotel… more extensively that could include the cost of meals as well (this no doubt is a HUGE part of what she is looking expense wise)
* Transportation once in the Wedding Destination… so if you aren’t providing group transport for your Bridal Party (Limos, Trolleys etc) then that could mean some gas money / parking expenses while she is in your city.
* She is responsible YES for the Dress. Transporation from her city to yours… and buying the dress. As well as getting a Wedding Gift for you & your Hubby… and usually going on a group gift from the other Bridesmaids to you personally (but that can be optional).
* She is reponsible to be caring and helpful… supportive and a friend to lean on. She is also responsible for providing the basic necessities for “the look” you are going for at the Wedding. BUT IF YOU WANT a co-hesive look… ie everyone in the same shoes, hair, makeup, jewellery, etc. Then that is your burden to provide to the gals… and it shall not count in anyway towards their “thank you gift” from you because you are making it a Wedding Day Requirement.
So long story short… if you are a kind and caring Bride, it probably would work out cheaper for her to be your Bridesmaid than it would for her to be your Guest (in that she wouldn’t have the cost of the weekend… Hotel, Food etc to bear)
Something to think about as you muse this situation over,
Hope this helps,