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my fiance and i have been together 9 years. when we first met, we got pregnant only acouple months into dating.
my father is a minister and when i found out i was pregnant, i took it pretty hard at first because of the situation and i was only 18. when i was 4 months pregnant i was still very emotional and i asked my fiance for a little time to think...
during this few weeks, he cheated with my best friend. i didn't find out until i was 8 months pregnant. i was very upset but forgave them both and moved on.
i've managed to keep them from ever seeing eachother(atleast as far as i knew)since that happened.a few years ago one more incident happened concerning my best friend but it's too personal to put on here...he didn't cheat or see her but, my fiance had said something in reference to her and it's haunted me and still hurts me till this day, but it's not anything she had done...just something he had said.
so my best friend and i have stayed close and remain best friends. i was her maid of honor last year in her wedding. my sisters are my mohs but i'm having her as a bridesmaid. at first it didn't bother me to have her in the wedding, but as the wedding date gets closer i'm finding myself upset. this will be the first time that my fiance and her will see eachother since they cheated. i don't even want them to speak to one another. it hurts so bad...still.
it makes it worse because this certain best friend and i have a *not so great* past & she has apologized for many things not just for cheating with my child's father. we really cared about eachother and always worked things out because we wanted to stay friends...but that part of me that still hurts over the things she's done to me, and him...make this very hard for me.
ok so, my problem is...i don't want them that close on my wedding day with this being their FIRST meeting since the cheating that lasted a month back when i was pregnant. i don't want to worry that day. i don't want to tell them not to speak to eachother and be wachtching to see if he's paying attention to her! it's driving me crazy even thinking about it now...how will i deal with it that day when my emotions are sky high!?
-is it too wrong of me to ask her to step down? if she was just in the crowd at the wedding, it would be easier on me, but having her in the limo and in our pictures...it might be too much for me.
what would some of you do? i don't know if i'm being ridiculous, a horrible friend, or if i'm acting normally. i really want to ask her to step down, but i feel so awful! i really don't know what to do!!!!
I wouldn't have stayed friends with her. I consider what she did unforgivable! To cheat with your friend's baby's father while she's pregnant! I would have told her off and then never forgiven her.
I think you would be well within your rights to ask her to step down (or never asking her in the first place).
I can't think of any actual advice but i thought you might need some hugs!
((hugs))
you are by far a nicer person then i am to even have feelings about this girl! i would have never spoken to her after it happened...not to mention him! i think it would be more then fair of you to ask her to step down...i am sorry you are in this position and have a decision to make like this! but be strong and stick to your guns!!
Oh, big hugs to you. You are trying to be a good friend, but it doesn't sound like she's been a good friend to you. Some things you can get over, but if you're going to be looking at her on your wedding day and thinking, "She had sex with the man about to be my husband," she probably doesn't need to be in your bridal party. And if she gives you a hard time about it, I think it would suffice to say that you're finding yourself upset about it again as your wedding day draws close, and you hope she'll eventually understand.
((HUGS))
poor you! That's quite an unfortunate situation..
As hard as it may be, I think you should test the water by arranging a group get together (non wedding related) for which they will both be there. Find out if seeing them interact/not interact still upsets you, or maybe it will have the opposite effect and calm you - knowing that whatever was, is no more? *shrug*
From then, you can decide to ask her to step down because you are not comfortable. I assume you'd still invite her as a guest?
I would suggest asking her to step down
I am really anti-conflict....so I understand your position. I understand how you want to stay her freind....BUT...what she did was wrong....she was at fault...as your freind....so even in your NICEST way....you should explain to her how you feel
If she gets mad or acts like a brat..then she is NOT your freind anyway.so good riddance
If she IS your real freind...then she knows what she did was wrong...she wouldn't want to take anything away from your day.....and though it may be "messy" to talk about...she would 100% understand. If she acts offended or like a brat.....then it shows you her true colors!
I'm sorry, but I would definitely ask her to step down. You don't want that situation to be stuck in your mind on your wedding day. If she's as good a friend as you describe, she'll understand.
{{hug}}!
I agree with everyone else. You should ask her to step down. Obviously you haven't healed from this, and it doesn't seem like you're going to feel any better by the wedding day. Imo, it's better to tell her now that you'd rather her not be in the bridal party than feel terrible on your wedding day.
((Hive hugs!))
Wowsers! I am a big Dr. Laura listener so I have her echoing in my head, but I would definitely put the interest of your family first -- particularly now that you're getting married. You need to protect your family, and if this friendship is going to strain it, then you need to put your family first. I know - so hard though! You are very strong. I wouldn't have been able to maintain the friendship this long! And putting the big picture aside, your wedding day is too precious to risk you feeling uncomfortable or upset, so it's best that she's probably not even there! Harsh, I know, but you certainly have grounds to stand your ground on this one. Tell your your therapist (i.e. your fellow bees) recommended it. :-) Good luck!!!
You sound so uncomfortable with the prospect of her being there, that I reccommend not only asking her to step down but also to not attend the wedding. All the problems you listed above (whether he's paying attention to her, etc.) will still be triggered if she's at the ceremony.
I know you are trying to be nice and probably trying to return the favor of being a bridesmaid, but I doubt the pain you are putting yourself through is worth it.
You are a far better person than I could be about the whole situation. Is your friend dating anyone right now or seeing anyone else? Has she moved on? (**Oh wait you said she is married now?) Do any of your guests know she and your fiance had a relationship?
Personally, I would not have asked her to be a bridesmaid. For me, I want to surround myself in positive energy, a loving atmosphere- and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation on our wedding day.
So for you, I would say that you deserve to be surrounded in love... to be surrounded in all things positive. If that means dis-inviting your friend, or having her step down will give you that peace of mind for your day- please know I am giving you permission to do so!
It is going to be an unrealistic expectation if you think your bridesmaid, this friend, isnt going to talk to your soon-to-be husband on the day of your wedding. Honestly. Paths cross, and people want to mingle. -But if your friend aka the bridesmaid is married now-- is her husband attending your wedding as a guest?
Be good to yourself and your family and make the day a stress free day. Your wedding day should be symbolically a fresh start, a new step in a life changing direction...
wow! thanks so much to everyone. i really feel understood and not so abnormal afterall. i really appreciate every comment, every suggestion, hug!, and kind word. i need them so much right now. i have been thinking about having some kind of get together before the wedding to test the waters like ms tofu had suggested, which is a great idea,but really thinking about how special of a day it is for my fiance and i...i'm affraid it will be shadowed by that ugly past and take away some happiness.
i have decided that i'm going to ask her to step down. it's going to be so hard and very emotional. i feel like crying right now...but, i'd rather have her just as a guest because i'm marrying him. if i was marrying anyone else she'd be up there with me like i was for her. i'm sure this will upset her but i think she will understand. thanks you guys! now i just have to figure out exactly what to say and how to even bring it up! i feel so bad but i have to think of my family as suggested. yes, my wedding day is too precious!
thaks everyone so much!
Sending hugs! Surely, if you approach the situation right, she will understand, feel very guilty and bad, and be happy to stay away from you and your FI's light on this big day. if i were her, i'd want to go hide in the shadows, so hopefully she'll appreciate the opportunity to get outta there!
and might i comment that you must have a very generous heart because you are obviously a much bigger person than i woudl have been had i been in your shoes. I'm very sorry it happened to begin with!
ya, a lot of guests know about what happened between them, close friends and a lot of family members. and yes, sparkles you're right...i'm sure they would have to speak at some point and honestly i cannot take that! ouch! i'm going to have to dig up some strength and call her up tonight or tomorrow. this has taken up too much of my thoughts and emotions. i feel so drained.
ejs4y8, i never thought about it that way... she might feel that way if i tell her and want to keep some distance...? i'd never tell her to =/ but hopefully she will like you said
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omg, if everyone knows, she must be MORTIFIED to be standing up there! You'll feel better after yo0u talk to her.
Perhaps spin it this way. "you know, i was thinking about how uncomfortable you might be during my wedding, considering who I am marrying. do you still really want to be there? because i'm thinking it might be less awkward for all of us if you are simply a guest. understand that you're still a good friend of mine, but I think this might help everyone save some face and make things go more smoothly"
Maybe?...or something to that extent, but less awkwardly phrased,. You know what i'm saying. I think it's more embrassing to be HER than you. She's *that* girl to your family and friends, whereas your love persevered through something that happened so long ago. If she's a good friend, she will understand. Maybe she just didn't want to disappoint you by saying No in the first place, or wanted to seem like she was above and beyond the situation to begin with by acting like it doesn't affect her anymore. but it affects you, simple enough! Good lcuk with your phone call.
Now don't get me wrong, maybe she deserves some of this, so do what you have to do. But I can't help but wonder if some of the gals saying that they'd kick her out are really thinking they never would have asked her in the first place. I mean your wedding is a few months away. I kind of feel you should have thought of this a little sooner. I also wonder if some folks are thinking and who cares if you kick her out and she stops being your friend? Who needs her? I might feel that way. But it sounds to me like you don't. It sounds to me like you care about her feelings and do want to still be friends with her. I disagree that she should be OK with you telling her how you feel and kicking her out. I don't know. It's possible that she will feel like she is finally getting her penance for what she did, and you can put it all behind you. But I also think there is a really good chance that she will be completely hurt, especially since you seemed to have been past it for so long, and now months before the wedding are kicking her out.
But I do think Ms. Tofu has a great idea about stting up a prewedding meeting. Also there's the rehearsal and RD...
If she and your FI do not talk or see each other *at all,* I'd imagine it will be insanely comfortable for them to be so close together at all the wedding events. What does your FI say about having her in the bridal party?
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Tanya123- I don't know if the bridesmaid would agree or disagree. But if the bridesmaid (*the other girl*) knew she was causing some anxiety, even I as a friend wouldn't want to add any anxiousness to my friend's wedding day. I would want to be there to alleviate it, not to add to it. So from that stand point I would think cherylanna's friend would take any opportunity to graciously support cherylanna... even if that means stepping down.
And we can't say- 'you should have thought about this sooner.'.. cherylanna is just trying to deal with the "now". She already expressed she thought she would be ok, but obviously it isn't settling well with her anymore... I have second guessed a lot of my own decisions retrospectively/after the fact and have to deal with the minor 'drama's' that ensue.
This is a tough position to be in, I would imagine. Cherylanna- I wish you the best of luck. I am sure you will handle it delicately. You seem to have your heart in the right place. You tried to honor your friend on your big day, there are simply extenuating circumstances that just need to be addressed.
Sorry -- I meant uncomfortable in the above post..
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I'm with Tanya123 on this one...
You asked her in the first place, so from her perspective she thinks you have really forgiven her. I'm sure she's sorry about it, but I doubt she knows how upset you are about it. You seem to have been deadset to prove to everyone that you are mature enough to forgive and forget but you don't seem to have done either. Are you worried your FH still has feelings for her? Are you worried she'll try to steal his attention? Honestly, she's married! I don't think she'd do that under her husband's nose. I think that it was a mistake to ask her. I think it's a bigger mistake to ask her to step down. It seems mean spirited to me. I know you can't help the way you feel, but maybe you should try talking to your FH and to her (separately) about it. Say it out loud to them. You might be surprised by what you hear. And if you've truly forgiven them for what happened, you can't keep punishing them for it. I would talk to them and see how you feel afterwards...
You are a much bigger person than I could ever be--I don't think I could stay friends with someone like that. Anyway, it's OK to ask her to step down. She should understand and if she doesn't then that's just too bad for her. Maybe you could ask her to participate in some other way?? If you really want her there, you can always be honest and let her know that she means a lot to you but you aren't ready to have her be your bridesmaid.
I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing, I have definite mixed feelings. First you do need a hug! And I am totally with you on how hard this must be for you. My Fi has been in weddings with various exes about whom I knew way too much detail about their relationships and I remember sitting in the pews when I should be focusing on the weddings (this was twice, w/two different ex's of his!) but instead I was thinking about the nasty details that I knew that I wished I'd never been so "cool with" knowing. I was sick the entire time - both times- and I don't wish that upon you. And your situation is even worse.
However, I have to speak up. I don't hold grudges in my life and many disagree but I just can't do it, so I tend to be on the forgiveness side. I read most of the replies but I skimmed some so forgive me if someone did say this, but I wanted to say that you picked your best friend to be in your wedding for a reason. You have stayed best friends with her for a reason. Not only that, but you are willing to marry your fiance because you forgave him. In that sense, she deserves to be in the wedding just as much as he does, to be honest. You have clearly forgiven her as well. In fact, if you haven't forgiven her to the extent that you might ask her to step down, can I just ask if you have really forgiven him then?
I do agree, wholeheartedly, that you don't deserve ANY exta anxiety on your wedding day. However, I also think that you cannot avoid this situation forever. You are marrying him, you are "best" friends with her, their paths WILL cross. I'd suggest finding a way to move beyond whatever he said that haunts you, beyond the infidelity. Eight years ago? Unless you're a good dea older than the majority of us, you were probably pretty young back then. And so were they, most likely. Is it possible you've all grown up? Your fiance likely does not mean what he said to you back then about her, or he would have left you for her a long time ago.
So what I think needs to happen is that you make amends with the situation NOW, before you have to ask your best friend to step down, and before you commit your life to this man. Revisit the topic now, years later, with each of them. See a therapist if you want. See one with him. Write her a letter. Get out all of your feelings, fears, hurt, and insecurities. And then, have them together, in the same place, with you there. More than once, I'd say. So that part is over with.
You may find you can't forgive her, and if so, then ignore what I said. But it sounds like thats what you've been trying to do all these years, and you do love both of them, you're just nervous (understandably!) about the situation you've dreaded unfolding. Don't the wedding get in the way of the fact that you love both of these people, and they both love you, despite their past mistakes. Life is too short to hold grudges against people who love us, but are only human.
I realize many will disagree with this, but I'm just sharing my opinions. And yes, you have every right to be worried about this. you are NOT being ridiculous. Good luck!
I have to agree with mightysapphire on this one. i am so sorry about your situation, but i also have to say that your anxiety won't stop at the wedding. are you going to worry about him running into her for the rest of your marriage? you need to forgive her and your FI or you will never move on from this situation - one that has the potential to be extremely harmful to your marriage. it is very possible the first step toward true forgiveness is to have her in your wedding. and you and your marriage will benefit from it b/c truly forgiving her will help you to heal. i wish you the best!!
I totally agree with MightySapphire... and Tanya... and others... but no, you're not ridiculous for feeling the way you do. It would remain in the back of my mind too.
However, 8 years have passed... and she was not the only one at fault... I mean, he cheated too. If you're being eaten up about this... you really need to address it before going down that aisle... to both of them. Maybe they feel you've moved on away from being hurt? Honesty and trust is a must in any relationship! Besides, you should feel totally comforatble and excited about committing yourself to your man, not wondering if there is any lingering intrests between him and your best friend.
Best of luck!!!
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(((( HUGS))))
I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I see some people saying that you should have thought about this before asking..or saying that you need to forgive
I agree....but at the same time, I understand. I understand what it is like to hold on to hurt for years, and I understand this feeling that "we brides" have of not wanting anything to take away from the day..or add stress & pain. This must be a really hard thing to be dealing with am .I am sure alot of us "feel" for you.
It is a really sticky situation..but if you are REALLY freinds with her...maybe you can just TALK to her all about this. Can you not sit her down and tell her your fears? Sometimes if you come at someone without any anger and from a really honest place...people will listen. Maybe you can speak to her as "your good freind" and you can tell her all these confusing feelings. Sometimes people can surprise up. Maybe it is possible to find a solution..or atleast a road to better healing, by really talking to her abotu all this.
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First of all, a BIG hug!
I agree with monalisa670 that you need to sort through this and make ammends with both of them before you get married. You can't go into a marriage leaving stuff like this hanging over your head. Isn't it so much nicer to start with all that baggage thrown out and a clean closet? It'll be tough, but you've got to talk to your best friend and tell her how hurt you still are for what happened 9 years ago. Maybe you need another sincer apology from her, or maybe you just need her to understand how you feel. This is your wedding and if having her in the wedding party is going to make you feel bad or insecure or sad, then ask her to step down. She should be understanding if she's your real friend. This day is all about you and your FI and you don't need any ghosts hanging around spooking your day!
The best of luck. I am sending you strength and forgiveness.
I am with Rosy - I would have ditched her (and probably him, too) back when he cheated. I am glad that you were able to work it out with him.
You are well within your right to ask her to step down, not come to your wedding, or whatever else you want. This is your special day and you should not feel any negativity on it.
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I admire you for wanting to try to be the bigger person... but i think that is a situation that if you asked her to step down, she'd have to understand. As much as you may have forgiven her... forgetting may just be too difficult and i dont think you need the added pressure on your wedding day!
I, too, am surprised you stayed friends with her. I can't imagine someone betraying me in such an awful way, and still including them in my life. You are truly the bigger person.
This is your wedding day, and you need to eliminate anything that is going to make you incredibly uncomfortable. And if that means eliminating her from the bridal party or guest list, then so be it. She should understand where you're coming from.
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i did get one chance to talk to her about it acouple years ago...we talked about it but not on a very deep level. it was more like a,"you know i've changed," type thing from her and i said that i understood. i feel like in many ways she has. but, she also shows signs sometimes of not fully changing. yes, she's married but she will still talk to other guys if they show her attention. she's always is competing with someone at something. it's almost like she has to know/think she's the best. she's cheated on her husband also. i guess if this was just a one time deal with her, with what she did in general...but it's not. she's always tried to gain the attention of any guy i dated and my fiance is not the first guy i dated that she's done this with.
she also has done this to other girls and cheated with their husbands/boyfriends. she also does little silly things like, gets her hair done exactly like mine, she bought my exact wedding dress, she has the same email address but added a number, she tries to do many things i do and i don't mind...it's kind of strange sometimes & it just worries me because i don't want her to feel like she has to compete with me. she's always comparing herself to people and i just don't do those things or understand it. i'm really more laid back. she always says she just admires me, but sometimes it gets a little awkward. i just want her to be herself and me be myself.
and the comment/question my fiance made was around 4 years ago...it's too private to put on here but it hurt very badly and re-opened the wound and he never apologized for it. i have forgiven him and i've forgiven her but i just don't want to be naive??? because i trusted them the first time. i do trust my fiance but i don't 100% trust her eventhough i do care about her. she seems to still possibly have some attention/competing issues and if i'm the one she admires most, i can't trust her completely.
so i guess i just discovered that maybe i don't trust my friend? because you can't half way trust someone right? i don't rub what he did back then in his face ever. i don't accuse him of talking to her or anything like that. i don't ever bring it up to either of them. yes, i should've thought of this sooner. that would've saved a lot of trouble! but i can honestly say i didn't mean to do this. i didn't htink this was going to bother me like it is and i wish i can't snap myself out of it or cure my feelings but i tried and i can't. i don't want to hurt my friend. but, honestly i think she might've been surprised when i did ask her to be in the wedding. she acted somewhat surprised. if it were a wedding with any other guy, i would love to have her up there. but i think it might not only be awkward for me but for my family.
i did talk with my fiance and he said it would be kind of uncomfortable too just because people know what happened. I DON'T want that to be on their minds.
i will say this...just because you trust someone doesn't mean that the person you trust is perfect. your trust doesn't numb them to anything. yes i do trust him but do i think that it's possible for them to make a mistake again? yes. i believe in the imperfection of people. i'll trust him to do whats right but maybe not use our wedding day to test his trust... i don't htink it's the right place or time...??? i think a rehearsal dinner isn't probably a good time to test the water because what if it is awkward, then it's really too late to ask her to step down.
and honestly, i've been on my own on this wedding. no one has helped. i'm doing it all on my own. i have 5 bridesmaids and all but one has complained. even this friend i've been talking about has complained about what she's going to wear and how much it will cost her.
i've done a lot of thinking these past couple of days. a lot of thinking that maybe i pushed away... i should've dealt with these feelings before but i didn't know it bothered me so much until i was faced with them interacting together...? i am going to talk to her today. i'm not angry and i trust that i can definitely speak gently to her. this is very hard for me to do.
i hope i'm not punishing her but i don't want to punish me,my family, or my fiance either. everytime i say she's in the wedding, everyone asks me if it's the same girls that my fiance cheated with and i have to patch everything up. and i know it's not up to them, it's up to me and my fiance. but this has gotten to be a burdon lately and it just doesn't *feel* right. i don't mean to bring up the past but...she never told me about what happened and neither did he. i found out from another friend that told me because she said they were still hanging out sometimes. they were friendly and i honestly had NO CLUE what was going on!! they tried to deny it, so that tells me they weren't sorry. sometimes people are only sorry cause they got caught. i think over time is when they became sorry but neither of them have given me a real deep apology or expressed any hurt on their part for what they'd put me through while i was pregnant.
i do forgive them because i never talk about it or accuse either of them. i never hold it against them and am always there for both of tem, but for our wedding day it might have to be an issue....? i do want a fresh start but i don't want it to be another stressful thing on my mind when i'll already be emotional and swamped with other wedding things. i really should've dealt with this long ago but like i said, i really didn't know our family and friends would find it sickening or that it would bother me or my fiance... i have realized all this only 3 months before the wedding which is wrong on my part. but i cannot control the way other people feel or the way i feel... and i am one who cares about what other people think in important situations like this considering it's our wedding day.
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Sorry this stuck out:
"they tried to deny it, so that tells me they weren't sorry. sometimes people are only sorry cause they got caught. i think over time is when they became sorry but neither of them have given me a real deep apology or expressed any hurt on their part for what they'd put me through while i was pregnant."
So they still haven't directly apologized to you ever, or am I misunderstanding that? You really deserve a sincere apology, and maybe you and your FI should go see someone and talk about a few of these issues so you can feel better going forward. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this - but you'll be glad you talked to your friend and do whatever you need to to feel better on your wedding day and for the rest of your life.
Anyway, you've gotten a lot of great advice and perspective from everybody else, so I just want to say good luck & hugs!
Wow, this is hard. And, honestly, it is complicated by the fact that you already asked her. This tells her that you're over it. Completely. I think that if you'd never asked her, that she'd probably understand why, but asking her to step down is another story. If you're ready to end this relationship with her, ask her to step down (and yes, asking someone to leave the bridal party will destroy the relationship, or at least cause MASSIVE hurt feelings). If not, I'd recommend counceling, to deal with the cheating, and the ongoing trust issues with both her and your FI. Actually, I think I'd recommend that either way. Good luck.
I really have no advice to add- I think you know what to do and how to handle it, I just wanted to wish you strength in dealing with all this and I hope everything works out for your family. Good luck to you and I hope you have a beautiful, stress-free wedding. :)
And I got stuck on the line right before that.
"she never told me about what happened and neither did he. i found out from another friend that told me because she said they were still hanging out sometimes. they were friendly and i honestly had NO CLUE what was going on!!"
So is that to say, they are still hanging out? Or that they had hung out shortly after the affair, but not since?
I can see how you'd forgive someone for a wrongdoing, but not be able to trust them not to do it again. But if that's the case, I think you have to do what you can to stay away from them. Most people who are sorry are going to realize how they hurt you, make a sincere apology, and do whatever they can to show you they won't do it again. You said you trust him, but I am concerned about this quote, "yes i do trust him but do i think that it's possible for them to make a mistake again? yes. i believe in the imperfection of people." I'm concerned that you are trying to convince yourself to trust him, but that in reality, you don't.
I don't know you so I'll just throw this out there (for your own reflection). Are you too passive? Are you a bit insecure in your relationships? I'm confused why you've had the friend, and really the boyfriend too, in your life. Maybe it's because you have a child together. I'm all for giving people second chances. And I'm also for forgiving people who don't necessarily ask for it, because it helps you heal. But I can't understand forgiving people who don't care to ask for forgiveness, or seem sorry, then continue to have them in your life. Maybe you've had better conversations with your FI and worked things out better, than with your firend. I just got the impression from your post that he too, was not saying much on the topic.
It sounds like our friend feels like she has no worth as a person outside of her looks. And that is measured in how she can attract men. Maybe if she sees a guy swoon over another girl (aka, one of her friends) she feels like she fails beacuse that means there are guys who don't think she's the prettiest. And having her own, one guy, doesn't help her self esteem. It's sad.... But if she's tried taking your guys before, why still have her as a friend? The whole buying the same dress, having the same hair, I see as her trying to show people that she can look better in that dress or hair style. (Might be off base here, but it's what came to mind.)
You're right, you can only work with what's going on right now. I do still think that she could very well be hurt if you kick her out.... but do you think it would be for the best if you two had some distance anyway? If it was me, I would definitely distance myself from her. It just seems toxic to me. (What does she (positively) contribute to your friendship?) I'm sorry if it hurts her, but you need to do what's best for you. Maybe losing friendships will be good tough love for her. Maybe she'll straighten herself out, and realize having some supportive women in her life means more than trying to be the best eye candy for every man. (And no one women will win every guy. Eye of the beholder, right?)
And I would try to sort out a lot of stuff with your FI before you walk down the aisle. Talking to a therapist or your pastor would be good. If your FI is truly sorry, and has grown up from that experience, I think he'd be willing to do that for you, and face the music. Even if it will be shameful or embarrassing.
I feel for you. You deserve the best. Try to think about what's best for you and your child. God bless.
You are a strong girl to admit that it bothers you after so many years.
I may not be in agreement with a lot of people on here but I think you need to make a choice about your friendship with her. If you want to have a true genuine friendship, regardless of the past, you need to really forgive her. When I say "forgive," it means forgiving yourself too for holding on to hurt and anger. What you're doing is holding yourself prisoner to the emotions that the past involved. The past hurts, and it hurts bad but do you really want to move forward like this?
She's done you wrong but you chose to still value her friendship and that's okay. You also chose to regain the trust that was once betrayed by your FI as well. With that, I think you really need to let it go for the sake of your future relations with both of them. It hurts to be strong, but it'll hurt less if you face it head on now.
Same email address, same wedding dress, same hairstyle? SWF anyone?
Be careful when you ask her to step down, honestly. It sounds like she has some screws loose along with her daddy issues (cheating on her husband, cheating with friends' boyfriends/husbands, etc).
It sounds like you haven't forgiven either of them, it's like you moved on but haven't delt with the severity of the entire situation.
What is that saying..."Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?" It sounds like you're an intelligent woman - you need to put yourself first and ask her to step down.
I honestly would go talk to a therapist. You have had many trials and tribulations with both your FI and your BF that have gone back for so long. It sounds like you are doing soul searching and trying to figure this out on your own, but honestly wedding planning is one of the most stressful times and probably many others have second guessed themselves on things wedding related (BMs, FIs, Flowers, etc) trivial or not so trivial.
Seeking the help of a professional will help you create a more clear and concise picture of your feelings for both your FI and BM and help you come to a better solution than one you will likely form on your own. Plus you have the added advantage of talking to someone who isn't your family or isn't someone who knows about your BMs past, a completely unbiased opinion who is professionally recognized in dealing with suppressed feelings.
Wether you ask her to step down or not is your decision, but should also be the decision of your FI, since he too has a history with her. If both of you have moved on then I would see no problem with it really, but if there is some feelings left untied, then it likely best to ask her to step down.
Good Luck!
tablecloth.jpg (38.1 KB, 130 downloads) 1 year old moss_003.jpg (1022.9 KB, 106 downloads) 1 year old invites_003.jpg (449.4 KB, 95 downloads) 1 year old banquet_wsash_blackwhite_chair_cover_1.jpg (3.8 KB, 114 downloads) 1 year old
since my last post i had a talk with my friend. it went well actually. she'd said she wanted to talk about it before but just never said anything.
i think we both got out acouple things we wanted to say. i explained to her how i felt about them seeing eachother again and how it was shockingly kind of worrying me... she said she didn't want anyone thinking about what had happened between them either and agreed that it might not be a good idea.
my family hasn't gotten over it either and neither of us want that to be a distraction on mine and my fiance's day. since we've gotten older she hasn't come around the family much and NOT seeing her has caused them not to get used to what happened and putting it behind them. they still think about what happened because since it did, they haven't seen her but maybe once for a few seconds. they also have had hard feelings for interfering like she did and has many times before. my family does not understand why i remain friends with her because of all the things she has done.
but i will say this... since i talked to her, i feel great! it seems like my stress level has lifted quite a bit. i know that might not be a good thing exactly but, i am able to have our wedding and worry about the details for another time because it's just not the right time for them to be testing the waters...or for me! i'm not running from the problem*
but i am pushing it forward to a better suited time. but, i was able to talk to her and get many things out. i honestly never want to talk to her about it again. i feel like we said what we wanted to say and it should be left alone. but facing them seeing eachother again, is still uneasy eventhough i feel that she is sorry. for the first time i am thinking of seeing a therapist...
thanks to all! august 8th is just around the corner!
soon to be mrs. caraway
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