(Closed) bridesmaid that fiance cheated with=/ should i ask her to step down?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I wouldn’t have stayed friends with her.  I consider what she did unforgivable!  To cheat with your friend’s baby’s father while she’s pregnant!  I would have told her off and then never forgiven her.

I think you would be well within your rights to ask her to step down (or never asking her in the first place).

Post # 4
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I can’t think of any actual advice but i thought you might need some hugs!

((hugs))

Post # 5
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

you are by far a nicer person then i am to even have feelings about this girl!  i would have never spoken to her after it happened…not to mention him!  i think it would be more then fair of you to ask her to step down…i am sorry you are in this position and have a decision to make like this!  but be strong and stick to your guns!!

Post # 6
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh, big hugs to you. You are trying to be a good friend, but it doesn’t sound like she’s been a good friend to you. Some things you can get over, but if you’re going to be looking at her on your wedding day and thinking, "She had sex with the man about to be my husband," she probably doesn’t need to be in your bridal party. And if she gives you a hard time about it, I think it would suffice to say that you’re finding yourself upset about it again as your wedding day draws close, and you hope she’ll eventually understand.

 

((HUGS))

Post # 7
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

poor you! That’s quite an unfortunate situation..

As hard as it may be, I think you should test the water by arranging a group get together (non wedding related) for which they will both be there. Find out if seeing them interact/not interact still upsets you, or maybe it will have the opposite effect and calm you – knowing that whatever was, is no more? *shrug*

From then, you can decide to ask her to step down because you are not comfortable. I assume you’d still invite her as a guest? 

Post # 8
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I would suggest asking her to step down

I am really anti-conflict….so I understand your position. I understand how you want to stay her freind….BUT…what she did was wrong….she was at fault…as your freind….so even in your NICEST way….you should explain to her how you feel

If she gets mad or acts like a brat..then she is NOT your freind anyway.so good riddance

If she IS your real freind…then she knows what she did was wrong…she wouldn’t want to take anything away from your day…..and though it may be "messy" to talk about…she would 100% understand. If she acts offended or like a brat…..then it shows you her true colors!

Post # 9
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Westwind YWCA camp

I’m sorry, but I would definitely ask her to step down.  You don’t want that situation to be stuck in your mind on your wedding day.  If she’s as good a friend as you describe, she’ll understand. 

{{hug}}!

 

Post # 10
Member
6010 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with everyone else.  You should ask her to step down.  Obviously you haven’t healed from this, and it doesn’t seem like you’re going to feel any better by the wedding day.  Imo, it’s better to tell her now that you’d rather her not be in the bridal party than feel terrible on your wedding day.

((Hive hugs!))

Post # 11
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wowsers! I am a big Dr. Laura listener so I have her echoing in my head, but I would definitely put the interest of your family first — particularly now that you’re getting married. You need to protect your family, and if this friendship is going to strain it, then you need to put your family first. I know – so hard though! You are very strong. I wouldn’t have been able to maintain the friendship this long! And putting the big picture aside, your wedding day is too precious to risk you feeling uncomfortable or upset, so it’s best that she’s probably not even there! Harsh, I know, but you certainly have grounds to stand your ground on this one. Tell your your therapist (i.e. your fellow bees) recommended it. 🙂 Good luck!!!

Post # 12
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

You sound so uncomfortable with the prospect of her being there, that I reccommend not only asking her to step down but also to not attend the wedding. All the problems you listed above (whether he’s paying attention to her, etc.) will still be triggered if she’s at the ceremony.

I know you are trying to be nice and probably trying to return the favor of being a bridesmaid, but I doubt the pain you are putting yourself through is worth it. 

Post # 13
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You are a far better person than I could be about the whole situation. Is your friend dating anyone right now or seeing anyone else? Has she moved on? (**Oh wait you said she is married now?) Do any of your guests know she and your fiance had a relationship?

Personally, I would not have asked her to be a bridesmaid. For me, I want to surround myself in positive energy, a loving atmosphere- and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want to put myself in an uncomfortable situation on our wedding day.

So for you, I would say that you deserve to be surrounded in love… to be surrounded in all things positive. If that means dis-inviting your friend, or having her step down will give you that peace of mind for your day- please know I am giving you permission to do so! 

 It is going to be an unrealistic expectation if you think your bridesmaid, this friend, isnt going to talk to your soon-to-be husband on the day of your wedding. Honestly. Paths cross, and people want to mingle. -But if your friend aka the bridesmaid is married now– is her husband attending your wedding as a guest?

Be good to yourself and your family and make the day a stress free day. Your wedding day should be symbolically a fresh start, a new step in a life changing direction… 

Post # 15
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sending hugs! Surely, if you approach the situation right, she will understand, feel very guilty and bad, and be happy to stay away from you and your FI’s light on this big day. if i were her, i’d want to go hide in the shadows, so hopefully she’ll appreciate the opportunity to get outta there!

and might i comment that you must have a very generous heart because you are obviously a much bigger person than i woudl have been had i been in your shoes. I’m very sorry it happened to begin with! 

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