Post # 1
My very good friend is getting married and I am over the moon for her! I am very honored that she asked me to be her bridesmaid and I am thrilled.
She told me that she would have made me her Maid of Honor, but she has a sister so her sister will be Maid/Matron of Honor. She doesn’t trust her sister to do anything important, so I have been assigned all Maid/Matron of Honor tasks without the title.
I went along with it because I love her and her sister is a mess, but the more I do, the more it bothers me. I am booking dress shop appointments, visiting venues, etc and I am expected to host/ plan/pay for the bridal shower and bachelorette party.
What should I do? Would it be rude to ask to be a Co-MOH with her sister? Do I need to just suck it up and smile? Honest Opinions Appreciated! 🙂
Post # 3
This is a touch situation. I think it might be rude to ask to be Co-Moh, but if I was in your situation I think I would just put my foot down and tell her I was unable to do all of these things. Good luck!
Post # 4
I would tell her that you asking her to do too much! Booking apppointments – that’s crazy! You’re not her personal secretary. It’s her job to visit venues and book appointments. If she needs help, she should ask her fiance or get a wedding planner.
For the bridal shower, I would ask for help and for contribution from the Maid/Matron of Honor and perhaps others. Or perhaps insist the Maid/Matron of Honor does that.
The bachelorette party is less of a problem because you can make that as grand or as simple as you want, and all attendees (except the bride) pay their own way.
But under no circumstances would I ask to be co-MOH. That is not your place to ask.
Post # 5
When it comes to making her sister Maid/Matron of Honor, she probably didn’t have a choice. I know plenty of us ended up with a few mother-assisted additions to our bridal parties at the very least… If you are really good friends then hopefully you know that deep down you are the Maid/Matron of Honor, the one she is really counting on, and hopefully she is showing her gratitude. Do you find yourself wanting the Maid/Matron of Honor recognition from her, or from everyone else? I would suggest trying to be “above it” and empathize with her that she didn’t get to pick her Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 6
I voted that you ask to be a co-maid of honour because it sounds to me like the title is very important to you
I would just suck it up and do it if it was ME though because that just how i am…
Post # 7
@waitingwonderland: everything she said.
If this girl is a good friend, hopefully you will do these thing because you want good things for her, and you want her wedding experience to be joyful. It shouldn’t matter that she had to chose her sister as Maid/Matron of Honor over you. To me, it sounded like she had little choice.
Post # 8
I chose my sister to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, even though she lives 7 hours away and is currently getting her Master’s degree. Therefore she will barely be around during the planning of my wedding. However, she is my sister and best friend and I could never choose between my other 3 BMs to have one of them as my Maid/Matron of Honor.
2 of my 3 other BMs have been helping a lot because one of them is getting married the year after me and the other is a graphic designer/master at the sewing machine, so technically they are doing more than my sister.
However, because of the circumstance, I don’t see a problem with this.
In your case, I wouldn’t necissarily “require” a Maid/Matron of Honor title just to help out. I’m also a little confused on why you are booking appts and going to see venues with her. This seems like slight overkill for me. I feel like her fiance should be going to see the venues and she should be booking her own appts — maybe with your input, if it’s an appt for a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress but otherwise, that should be her responsibility.
As a bride, whenever I made appts my dress, I would send a text or call and just say “heres the date and time. If you can come, great. If not, great.”
Can you maybe just ask the sister for some of her input/assistance? This way you can maybe guide her in the right direction and “keep tabs” on her, but take turns or share the duties the bride is assigning.
Post # 9
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
I went through the same thing last year and I just sucked it up, the title didn’t bother me it was the fact that there were 4 bridesmaids and III was the one footing the bill for everything, the shower (luckily her mom helped, but I was the only Bridesmaid or Best Man to help with cost) and I hosted and threw the Bachelorette party which 1 Bridesmaid or Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor were unable to attend. I don’t know why people say that family has to be in the honor position, but whatevs!
Post # 10
okay, they are just titles…..what’s your problem. calm down. this is not a job. It’s not like the Maid/Matron of Honor is getting paid more than you or something….this is not work…..you’re supposed to be supporting the bride and youre acting like a child….are you a child?
Post # 11
@HeartsandSparkles: I don’t understand. Why is she having you book the appointments? Being a Bridesmaid or Best Man or a Maid/Matron of Honor does not make you a slave.
Post # 12
@LittleCricket: She is just incapable of doing anything on her own. Her fiancé doesn’t help with anything, her sister doesn’t help with anything, her mom doesn’t help much either. She begged me to make the dress appts and asked me to tour venues with her bc no one else would go… I feel bad for her- but she is expecting a LOT from me AND I’m in law school right now so it’s not like i have all the free time in the world. I don’t want to be mean and leave her to do things on her own but I also don’t want to be a doormat. I was asked to be a bridesmaid and I was expecting to have bridesmaid duties- I didn’t sign up to plan and pay for bridal showers and bachelorette parties and help her plan her entire wedding, but she is a friend and I don’t want to completely leave her in the cold.
Post # 13
Well said, @mrsbiddyf, well said.
I don’t get why poeple get up in arms over being called a Maid/Matron of Honor or a bridesmaid. I was thinking this last night watching the SYTTD Bridesmaids marathon. The bride asked you stand up with her on her wedding. Why is being a Maid/Matron of Honor such a big deal? I have been both a Maid/Matron of Honor and bm (a bm 8 times) and with the exception of a little more planning—i.e. making reservations for the bachelorette, finding a place for the shower, and initiating an email,holding the bride’s boquet, and helping bustle—I did the same amount of “work” (and I use the word “work” lightly, as being there for my best friends/family isn’t work to me) for both titles.
There were also a few weddings where I was a bm and “should” have been the Maid/Matron of Honor, but wasn’t because of family…let me tell you it’s not the end of the world. OP—the bride knows how you’ve stepped up and gone above and beyond for you, and that is all that should matter to you, not some title.
ETA: OP—Sorry, didn’t catch your updated post…if you don’t have the time just say “no!” you can’t do it! Don’t worry about hurting her feelings, etc. PP is right—you aren’t a slave. She can make her own appts., and do some things on her own. If you do have the time, then do it—but with a smile on your face. You have the choice to make things miserable or fun. Unfortunately, we have to suck things up for friends sometimes. Good luck!
Post # 14
I have this situation going on – my sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor and my two longest friends are bridesmaids. Both my bridesmaids know they can’t trust my sister to plan a bachelorette party, so they told me they’d like to be in charge of that. If they hadn’t asked to be solely in charge of it, I never would have asked them to do it. But, I’m not sure why you’re in charge of making appointments for dress fittings/visiting venues, etc…
I’d say you already have the title of a co-MOH, so deal with it accordingly. I’d get on the phone with her sister and say what tasks need to be done, agree on who is doing what, and agree on who is contributing to parties and how much each person is contributing (both financially and in planning). Then give her sister a nudge whenever she needs it to ensure stuff gets done.
Post # 15
Have a candid talk with her and tell her how you feel. If you don’t you’ll harbour resentment, ruining your enjoyment of her wedding or you’ll blow up on her, ruining both of yours enjoyment of her wedding.
Post # 16
I would just say nothing but titles are not über important to me. Everyone who is really involved knows or will know the truth. Now if it really going to fester I would bring it up to your friend odds are she has thought about it (that ia if the bride is not already on the edge). Also she is probably really hurt as her sister is a mess and not invested in the process of the wedding (I’m that bride)