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So, i was talking to one of my bridesmaids, and BEST friend since i was 7 years old, and somehow it came up that she would not be giving me a wedding gift. She told me that she will be spending more than enough money on me, and that should be enough.
I know gifts are not expected - especially, you would say, from your bridal party. But, I have been in a bridesmaid three times and I've always given a bigger gift than I would normally because I felt that I was close to that person.
I brushed it off and tried to be as polite as possible and told her that I will love her card that will make me cry then haha. But - I really feel hurt by this! I know some of you might say im a brat, but I could never not get her a gift if she got married - I cant see how she could already plan - a year in advance - to not get me one!
its not that i want a gift even.. its like i want a gift from HER...shes my best friend :(
I havent said anything to anyone, not even her - do you think I should? Am I silly to feel this way?
I don't think you should say anything to her (no real way to without coming off badly), but I understand why it hurts a little that she said that. That sucks.
Ouch! I'm sorry, I think that's super rude. I would never say to a bride (especially if I was a BM) that I was spending enough money on them and their wedding so I wasn't going to buy them a gift. That girl has guts! I have no idea what kind of advice to give you but I just wanted to give you big hugs. What a awful thing to say! Especially as you're so close.
I completely understand how you feel, and I think a lot of us would feel this way. However, I don't think you can really say anything to her. Vent here on the WB but keep your mouth shut. It could be a VERY hard time for her financially right now, and I think looking back on the wedding a few years from now she will realize that she was mistaken.
The important thing is that she will be there in person to share your special day.
I wouldn't confront her about it, but I understand why you're upset. Has she been in or to many weddings? Maybe she thinks it's normal for the BP not to buy gifts, which is certainly not the case!
I have never been in a wedding other than my sister's, and I of course got her a gift. FI is in a wedding this year and we actually plan to get a bigger gift than we normally would since it's a close friend!
Wow. I'm sorry. I totally understand why your upset but I don't think you can say anything. I mean its such an awkward situation.
Boy, that was a little rude of her, just saying it like that. It seems to me that if she said, "I would love to get you an extravegant gift, but with the costs of being a part of the wedding, I don't think I will be able to and I really hope you don't mind," you wouldn't have minded.
BTW, your response was excellent. You are a nice gal. This was just an unnecessarily hurtful way for her to tell you this, and I'm sorry for that.
This has happened with my MOH. She has told me that she cannot afford a gift for showers we will get a small wedding gift. However, she told me this right after she told me she spent $50 on a new pillow, and spent the night in a hotel because she just "needed some time by herself" no I'm no money expert but f it was me (and it has been) I would be making some sacrifices so I could give my best friend a gift. (I totally know where you are coming from :( )
I don't think you can really say anything to her, but that is rough. Maybe she is just really broke and wanted to prepare you so you weren't expecting anything. Some people just view gifts as "money," so maybe she's not thinking of the potential sentimental value behind it.
I am with you though, I would never agree to be in a wedding but not give the bride, my friend, a gift (even if it was small).
I know a lot of my bridesmaids probably wont get me gifts for various reasons and I'm ok with that, but for one of them to blatantly state that they're not going to get me a gift a year in advance is SO rude and I would totally be hurt! She could have kept that to herself or said it in a nicer way! All you can really do is blow it off, which you did. Good for you for being the bigger person :)
Yes, this is actually the first bridal party shes ever been in and im pretty sure she has been to little if any weddings. actually the reason is came up - is because she asked ME if she was supposed to get me a gift! HA! i didnt know what to say, i just said "well, i have always got the bride and groom a gift when i was a bridesmaid, thats all i can say" - she stunned me! she is a very blunt person, but she is friends with most of my other bridesmaids, why would she ask ME that question!! :o
Although I personally would not be hurt if one of my bridesmaids didn't give me an expensive physical gift (our wedding will require some expensive travel arrangements, in addition to all the usual costs a BM would need to give), I do think it's a little odd that she told you in advance. She could have written you a nice card, wrapped up a frame with a photo of the two of you, and be done with it. I agree with the PP that you probably shouldn't say anything to her ...
Being a bmaid is so expensive. I don't think you should have that expectation of her to get you a big present too. I mean, you either want her as a bmaid or you want her gift. Take a step back for a minute. A gift from her should be a low priority.
@stlginkgo
Exactly! She was the same way kind of, she just got back from a trip to Puerto Rico when she told me this haha... Im sorry this happened to you too! Its not a good feeling at all. poo.
I think you're right - if she worded it that way I probably wouldnt have minded. Oh well, i love her - but she's a very blunt lady haha.
Just to clarify I never said anything about expecting an EXPENSIVE gift - thats ridiculous and rude. I wouldnt expect that of anyone. What I was hoping though was that my best friend would want to give me some sort of thoughtful gift on my wedding day - if the gift was $10 or $100, i would be just as happy. This is not about the "gift" this is about my best friend telling me she is not getting me a gift. If that makes no sense to you, I cant really explain it any further.
I would have thought a framed photo of the two of us was very thoughtful and would have cherished it. Againm this is not about that I want an expensive gift...
I do get it. I am of the opinion that her presence is a present.
OUCH that hurts! i'm sorry that you had to be so disappointed... maybe financially she really can't afford it?
with my best/MOH, she said the she won't be gifting me, cuz she knows how we took over 50% of the wedding budget and would like to contribute to that instead of buying us a mixer we already have...
Maybe what she's really trying to say has nothing to do with the gift... but just a general sense that she's surprised by how much it costs to be a bridesmaid!
Ouch. With everyone in our wedding party, there are so many sentimental (and inexpensive) items that they could give - a framed candid shot of us at a pre-wedding party would be fantastic. I'd be hurt if any of my bridespeople flat out told me that they weren't getting a gift because they were already spending so much money. It's not about how much the gift costs. It's about being able to look at that gift for years and be reminded of your wedding day and the amazing people who came out and celebrated with you.
@mrbee oh no, she made it quite clear what she meant haha. ;)
@redherring Exactly! :)
I think you shouldn't say anything. She may change her mind later on or not. I do think it is odd that she would say that to you but some people just don't think before they speak.
I've been a BM 10 times and I've always given a gift along with hosting a shower/bach party. I am in a wedding here in a few weeks and this is my 2nd time to be a BM for her. So I'm not giving a gift that I normally would do. I just feel like I've done my part once before and now again. If that makes sense.
When I was in my first few weddings as a bridesmaid, my mom told me that I didn't need to buy a gift because I was spending money on the dress and everything else, so the bride wouldn't expect gifts from her wedding party. I believed her, because she's my mom and had more wedding experience than I did. Apparently that was the norm when my mom and her friends got married, but isn't anymore. Looking back, I feel really bad (I did get cards, but no gifts--I was also a student at the time and didn't have much money, if that helps).
The point of all that was, I understand that you feel bad, but cut her some slack, maybe she's like me and just didn't know any better.
Just to play devil's advocate, maybe she thought telling you would save the awkwardness at the shower and after the wedding when she showed up to the events, but didn't bring a gift? I don't know. Whenever I'm a BM, I budget in presents for the cost of being a BM, but maybe she just didn't realize or maybe her finances are really tight right now. I wouldn't say anything, and maybe she'll be able to get you something when it gets closer to the wedding.
i wouldnt spend so much energy worrying about it. i understand how you can fel that way though, i would feel kind of hurt but again, its nothing you should stress over ... better yet, i dont think you should let it get in the way of still having a wonderful friendship. its not that you EXPECT gifts (traditional wedding etiquette says to never expect gifts) ... its just the thought. plus it really was weird of her to just come out and tell you that too.
commiting to be a bm can be expensive even when youre planning in the most budget savvy way. like others have said, maybe her financial situation isnt doing too well at the moment. and you never know, a year is still a while off and she just might surprise you!
you might want to bring it up with some of your other bms, clarify that you dont expect anything from them at all but that it sort of took you offguard. who knows, they might be moved on their own accord to say something to her ... they might plan to go all in together on a gift for you to save money.
again, theres gonna be much more to worry about during your planning process! hope you feel better about it soon!
best wishes!
It sounds like I'm in the minority here, but I don't want or expect gifts from my wedding party - and I've been friends with two of them over 20 years. They are buying dresses, shoes, plane tickets, paying for a hotel room, throwing me a wonderful shower and a bachelorette party in Vegas. They have helped me with invitations, and other DIY projects and they patiently listen to me talk and talk and talk about our wedding. Being supportive and present for my big day IS THE GIFT.
I, personally, think that my bridal party have a lot of responsibilities, and spend a lot of money to stand by us that day, and I have spread the word that I would prefer that they don't buy us wedding gifts.
I think that considering I personally have spent between 500-1000 dollars to be in bridal parties (dress, shoes, hair, makeup, mani/pedi), that a gift on top of that is crazy! In the circles I am from, people make sure the bridal party is aware that all they spend on being a part of the day is gift enough.
I almost told my BMs to not get me a gift because I felt like their involvement was a gift enough! I don't think it is a big deal, she was just being honest with you.
Mini and Ladyox--you two are making me feel better about my past faux pas.
I don't even expect my best friend (MOH) to get me a gift. We live in different states and I know she has already spent or will be spending so much money just to fly for engagement party, bachelorette, couples shower, wedding. and throwing the bachelorette. So I don't even expect a gift from her at all it matters to me is that she is there.
Like Ms Mini, I plan on letting my bridal party know that I'd prefer that they didn't get me a gift. I agree that them standing up there with me and everything that comes before it is gift enough.
I do think that it's kind of strange that she told you so far in advance, but maybe she was just trying to avoid awkwardness later on.
Well, thanks for all the advice and sympathies guys. I definetly wont say anything, although i am hurt still.
I also just wanted to say, not that it mattered, but I chose a bridesmaid dress that was under $100 that everyone liked, i really tried hard to make sure it wasnt expensive and was rewearable so it wasnt a waste. Also, I told them they could wear whatever shoes they want. I am not requiring them to get hair, makeup, pedi or anything...and they dont have to travel for my wedding. Also, I am from NYC - so my bachlorette party will probably just be a night at a bar (and they all know this). Anyway, what im saying is - I know its expensive to be a bridesmaid, since I have been one many times, and Im keeping that in mind through out my entire engagement - because I dont want anyone to break the bank for me.
She's probably stressed out over her finances as it is and being a BM and the money she figures she'll spend is adding to that. She's probably trying to set your expectations low and make herself feel better too by saying that outloud. I do that sometimes ("Ok I may have eaten three bowls of pasta but I will not eat that last bit of chocolate! That will make it all ok!"). I wouldn't worry about it. I think the fact that she's attending your wedding and serving as BM shows she cares about you, the gift should be a non-issue.
I have some friends who are skipping my wedding to go on a vacation to save money on airfare, they'll probably send a gift but what good does that do me when I can't share the day with my friends. I wish I could pay for their extra airfare and tell them to hold the gift, if only they would be there for me in person!
If she hasn't been in a wedding and doesn't know how things go, she might be surprised. The drss isn't all that expensive, but what about other expenses? Is she contributing to the shower? Maybe she didn't think about having to do that at first. Perhaps the shower is more expensive than she feels like she can or should contribute.
I think I'm wondering what Mr. Bee is wondering. I think it's possible that she is upset about something and is perhaps taking a passive aggressive route of letting you know. Maybe it's the cost? Maybe it's jealousy regarding the wedding? Or maybe she is simply one of those people who is "stingy". It's a personality flaw. I think some people have a hard time spending money on others.
But no you aren't being a brat. It's hurtful to think a friend is planning this a year in advance. She can't even think of something inexpensive but thoughtful? I get if someone is broke, but how does she figure she'd be THAT broke a year ahead of time? Well, that's the impression it leaves with me, anyways.
I'm sorry she said that to you....I would be hurt also....I actually was in a friends wedding a couple years ago and she said that her BM's should give more money bc we are her friends which I also thought was rude I gave her what I normally give a couple at a wedding and nothing more.
wow, that would leave me with a bad taste in my mouth... who plans to not give a gift a year in advance? And what about that old rule about a year after the wedding... so she's got two years to think of some sentimental gift that would mean the world to you and she wont? hmm. Hope she changes her mind!
Also.. it might be possible that she'll show up empty handed to set up for the shower/whatever, and see the other BMs have gifts... she might reconsider then. I know I would. I don't expect gifts from my bridal party, but for someone to outright tell you that they can't afford a gift with a year to save $20 for a picture frame... well that's just distasteful for real!
It sounds like the way she said it was what hurt you -- or I hope so anyway.
I don't blame you for hurt feelings, but I don't think you should be angry at your friend. It costs a lot to be in a wedding, and sometimes the costs are more than expected, or they come at a time where your finances aren't what you thought they would be when you agreed to be in the BP.
From personal experience, I can say I understand where your friend is coming from. I could not afford to give my friend a wedding gift on top of what I spent on her wedding. I paid for the dress, shoess, shower, bachelorette party, and favors, as well as the hair and nails we had to get. I spent over $600 on the event. The MOH had originally told me to expect about $400. I ended up being accepting into a graduate program and owed my school $10,000 just 1 month before the wedding. I am a college student who works odd jobs to pay rent and tuition. Just because your friend spent money on herself doesn't mean she is slighting you. That is a little ridiculous to think, IMHO. There are other things in life that come up, and signing up to be a BM doesn't mean you are resigned to saving every last penny for the bride! You are there as a friend and as support -- you do what you can monetarily, and if the success of your involvement is measured by the amount of $$ you can spend on a gift, then maybe you don't belong in that BP anyway.
Again, the way she said this to you was in poor taste. But in general, I don't think not being able to afford a wedding gift in addition to all you pay to be a BM makes you a bad friend or attendent.
i actually dont want gifts from my bridesmaids either - their presence on the day and the random events that will come up is more than enough since i know half of them definatley dont have the $$ to cough up just for S&Gs ya know?
for instance, i didnt get my sister a technical gift, but i was there every step of the way helped plan, did all kinds of odds and ends, but in the end, after paying for my dress, transportation and various things associated with the wedding i couldnt afford much else on a student salary.
she could just be preparing you for the fact that she just doesnt have the funds. i think being a bridesmaid is enough of a gift - i know i have spent thousands of dollars on weddings i have been in - and if i could afford a gift i did, often it was small depending on what i had to spend for the wedding (one i spent upwards of $3K!!!!) so its all relative.
be happy shes there on your special day. shes your friend. gifts arent mandatory anyway.....
At this point in my life, if I had to spend over $500 between the dress, shoes, hair and makeup, bachelorette, travel, and other bridesmaid duties, I wouldn't give a gift either. I would probably tell the bride that I had already spent $500 and couldn't afford to spend any more. Could I? Yes. Should I? Not at this point. If I gave any gift beyond my costly bridesmaid services, it would be very small.
Not everyone is made of money. Some people are made of money, but having already very generously spent a lot of their money and time on your wedding, maybe they just don't feel like opening their wallets one more time. Do NOT say anything to her about it.
Have you ever heard of that book about the 7 languages of love? It's a popular topic on these boards. I haven't read the book but I've read a summary of the ideas, and that really helped me understand the whole gift giving thing a lot better. Here's my take on how to frame this situation.
For some people giving a receiving gifts is a way of showing your love. It makes you feel cared about and being thoughtful and/or generous with gifts is how you show your love for others.
For other people, this is simply not the case. Buying gifts is done only out of obligation and receiving gifts is also perceived as being out of obligation. I am one of these people so I can tell you it's absolutely true. I've learned to work around this by giving and requesting "experience" gifts since one of my love languages is quality time.
Maybe one of your love languages is gift giving and it is not one of hers. Therefore you're perceiving her not wanting to get you a gift as her not loving and valuing you. Meanwhile, this is not her love language and she sees it purely as a pragmatic issue. She's already spent a lot of money so she's done!
In any case, I'm sure it's not a slight, just a difference of opinion on the importance/etiquette surrounding gifts. As long as she's being a supportive friend otherwise I wouldn't let your feelings be hurt by it.
I haven't made a gift purchase for my friends when I was in their weddings. But that was b/c they said not to. They wanted us to do/buy other things... and thats just how it is in our circle.
Others have said something along these lines. Others seem to have missed the point. A friend straight out said she wasn't buying a gift. Thats just hurtful and rude. If necessary I would have said... I'm low on money, would I hurt your feelings by not giving a gift? Somehing like that at least. I could never say that to a friend.
I do not think brides should expect anything b/c everyone has their own traditions. Its just hurtful to think a friend would be so blunt a year before the wedding even occurs... maybe she was having a stressful day?
Either way, boo!
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