- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
I have a wedding in the fall and have 1 MOH and 3 bridesmaids. Only one lady is local in my city. All of the ladies are my close, personal, “best” friends. I am excited to have them in the wedding party.
One of the bridesmaids, we’ll call her CF, has surprised me with some of her actions. I have asked her if she would be willing to come down for a day trip to look at bridesmaids dresses with my local bridesmaid. I advised her I would only have her come down for the dress selection once and that I would have narrowed down the dress selection to the top 3 choices by then. I also suggested we could go out for lunch or something fun. CF lives 2 hours away.
CF sent me an email saying she could’t come and that she isn’t planning on making lots of trips down; only for the shower and maybe for the fitting of the dress. I replied that is fine, I never needed her to make lots of trips. Could she please send me her measurements. She replied that it’s doubtful I could find a dress that would look good on 4 different women anyways and that she will just wear what I pick. Again, I said that’s fine and I won’t pick anything with a tight fit.
CF is going through a rough time with work right now. I am respectful of this and always ask about her when I talk to her and how everything is going. I ask because I care.
We had an email exchange on bridal undergarments. I sent her a suggestion for some bra brands as we are the same size. She replied back and in one of her replies sent me a lengthy email about her financial concerns. I replied that I will definitely do my best to keep costs down and I can work with her, if needed. Btw, by the time of my wedding, this maid will have had 10 months to save for expenditures. Although she has financial commitments now, I do know that she has an upscale lifestyle compared to mine. I am just surprised that she would balk at my (fairly budget) wedding expenditures to be a maid while I hear and see her spending habits that haven’t slowed down. I have noted that I am giving the gift of jewelry and shoes. Makeup is optional and at her expense. (I am considering paying for her hair as she has expressed financial concerns and I want to help her.)
2 of my ladies are newer to participating in weddings. One bridesmaid said to me – I’d love to have a list of bridesmaid duties. I found a good one – short and straightforward. I photocopied it and crossed off any unnecessary items. Everyone told me they wanted a copy; even CF (although she did say she is not concerned with etiquette but you can send it..which gave me pause.) I included a copy of the MOHs suggested duties (again crossing off anything unnecessary) and sent those to everyone as well. I also included a card thanking each lady for her participation. I was so happy when I wrote out the cards; thinking of the fun we will have together.
This maid sends me an email saying what I sent her is unlike anything she’s ever seen at a wedding and then copied and pasted a negative review of the etiquette book that I got the list from and the review included details from the book that were misinterpreted (such as “organize and attend the bachelorette” was interpreted as “foot the bill for the bachelorette” and “assist with making favors or helping with invites, if asked” was interpreted as “plan the bride’s wedding.” She also suggested that I try to read the other books mentioned in the review. They are well-known books and I’ve actually skimmed through them already. The list I sent includes just the basics: attend rehearsal, attend shower, purchase a bridesmaid’s dress, help bride with dress shopping, if asked (and available), etc. It was a small page.
I wrote her an email back (I’d call but it’s hard to get her on the phone due to our schedules.) and broke down the points of the review in a polite way and explained what they truly meant and where we can cut costs. I explained that bachelorettes and showers aren’t obligations per se, but I’d love to have her at anything she can attend.
She replied back saying she hasn’t had time to read my email but it just looks like I’m disagreeing with the review and that she hasn’t read my book, nor the review (say what!?!) but was just sending it to me since it mentioned two other etiquette books and that she doesn’t think my book is right since she never thought a bridesmaid served the bride. She also said noone has a claim on etiquette. I have never said, nor did this list, that she had to “serve” me. I suppose bridesmaids do to some extent help the bride but serving implies it’s forced. I merely sent the list so we were all on the same page an it may be helpful. It’s obviously backfired.
Do you think I’m being too forward to send something like that? The MOH and the other maids were fine with it. CF’s replies to me have been more lengthy than indicated here and had an overall annoyed tone. Sometimes my friend can come off as a bit flippant but she’s never been like this. Was I offensive to send the list? I don’t know how to proceed forward with her. I do feel hurt and I’ve tried to work with her prior to this.
Sorry for the length of this…just wanted to let you have the details.