Post # 1
My bridesmaid (1 of 3) has been dropping hints that she would like her deadbeat husband to come. He is a “worthless, non-helping, non-contributing, take my friends out for drinks before I give my wife money to buy milk for my kids thinking he’s still single, dissappearing for weekends without telling wifey where he’s going” type of husband. He lives a separate and distinct life without her or the kids. Definately has a secret life of some kind.
Me and her hubby had a big F-bomb dropping type of argument ~5 years back on a night when I dropped her off at home and we crossed paths. I told him exactly what I felt about him which inluded all of the above & more. He ultimately apologized and we reluctantly out of sheer etiquette were civil with one another that evening. Never seen him again since.
They never ever ever ever ever do anything together as a family nor as a couple. I think he has “single-itis” where he conveniently forgets he has kids and pretty much does nothing with them or the wife. Whats the urgency that they start now with my wedding?
I have made overtures to invite him over for functions in the past, which he never made. The only one function he did join us on, resulted in him ditching her, leaving her with me at a casino, and going to a Gentlemans Club for some below the belt activity if you know what I mean with a nice mark on his neck as a souvenier which he did not bother to hide.
Anyway, she has not “officially” asked if he could come, obviously I prefer him to not be there, I completely and utterly hate him.
I have not send out my official invites yet, but she is definately coming. Weve got her dress and the whole nine, and I know she would absolutely support me on my day 1000 percent and come, even if I said he could not.
PS for the record each and every one of my invites are bringing their spouse or significant other. Some Ive never met before. I am aware of proper ettiqute, I dont want to be cheesy and I care for my friend and dont want to hurt her feelings, but I’m really torn………………..I really dont want him there. Besides what if he abandons her again at the venue? Then I’ll have to get involved and I really dont want drama that day.
Post # 3
For one…..Um, why is she even with this loser? But to answer your question, if it honestly bothers you that much to have him there then I would not invite him. Obviously they are used to not doing things together so I dont see why your wedding needs to be any different.
Post # 4
There are exceptions that can be made on rare occasions when it comes to inviting spouses, and this definitely applies. First of all, the bride and groom are the only ones who make any invitation decisions and no one else has the right to ask, request, or otherwise make suggestions on who to invite and who not to. But if he has a history of abandoning his wife at venues, and you do not want him there due to his past misbehavior around you, then don’t invite him, period. No one can say or do anything once you have made your choice.
Post # 5
I think if she wants him there, and since she is a bridesmaid, you should invite him. Maybe you’ll be lucky and he won’t even show. But for her sake I’d consider inviting him. You probably won’t notice him among all the other guests.
Post # 6
This is an easy situation. Invite him (because it’s proper etiquette, which you already know) and he probably won’t come anyway. If you don’t invite him, you risk hurting her feelings way more than his. It’s not true that “no one can say or do anything once you have made your choice”, they most certainly can. Sure no one can force you to invite someone you don’t want there, but they can have their feelings hurt, they can get upset with you, they can say something about it to you, etc.
Post # 7
I didn’t even read it all, I’m not going to lie – but if they are married he gets an invite. You don’t break up social units (i.e married people, couples living together, engaged couples, and long-term relationships). Plus she’s in your bridal party… Generally people give their bridal party a plus one, but that’s a moot point since she’s married to him and he has to be invited. How would you feel if one of your friends didn’t like your husband and therefore didn’t invite him?
Post # 8
He’s her husband. Its not your place to say he’s not invited because of what happens behind their closed doors. She wants him there, shes your bridesmaid.. you should just let him come. you’ll have a million more important things to worry about.
Post # 9
While the guy is awful and she shouldn’t be with him, unfortunately we do not get to make the decision about who our friends marry. If you want to continue the friendship with her I think you are going to have to invite her husbands.
Post # 10
You really kind of have to invite him because they are married. Married and engaged couples can’t be split up on invites. Plus – she’s in your wedding party – they typically are granted a plus one as a gesture of appreciation from you. And lastly, you said that each and every other invite is getting to bring a SO yet you want to deny one of your best friends that ability?? That makes zero sense to me …
Post # 11
I had to invite my mom’s boyfriend to our wedding, who’s the most rude, self-absorbed, obnoxious person I know who’s verbally disrespected me and everyone in our family many times, and I barely noticed him at our wedding. There was one exception when he acted up for a minute, but I gave my mom a look, and she took care of it.
For weddings, spouses are always, always, always invited. No way to get around that.
Post # 12
I totally understand why you don’t want to invite him, and agree it would be better for everyone for him not to come … however. They are married. And I’m sure that it’s humiliating enough for your friend to have to put up with all his BS and him acting like he isn’t married without having her friends acting like she isn’t married either. I’m not trying to be harsh, and it does sound like she’d be better off if she weren’t married to him, but ultimately it’s her life, she’s chosen him, and unless you have a reason to fear for your guests safety (he’s dangerously unstable, prone to fighting when alcohol is around, etc) you really ought to just invite him for your friends sake. After all, not inviting him will probably hurt her feelings more than his. What a sad situation all around :/
Post # 13
Thank you guys…. I really appreciate all of your input. I think deep down inside I know the right thing to do. I will tell her its ok to bring him. I will just ignore him.
Post # 14
@Loulee: It’s for the best. Like previous posts, your BM wants him there and he is her husband. He may be a royal Ahole but more than likely he will “behave” at your wedding. Maybe witnessing your ceremony might give them the opportunity to think about what they envisioned on their wedding day and what they have become.