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Nope. Not wrong at all. We had a wedding about 4 hours from where we live...My sis (MOH) brought her son on trip but he stayed with relatives for the day (he only came on trip cause he was in wedding party). My other BM was asked to leave her baby with her grandparents for the entire weekend, which she gladly did. Your offer to provide child care is very generous.
Yikes...I don't think you are wrong not to want the baby there, but I do think it is going to be tough to say that. Are any of their parents, close friends, or relatives going to be guests at the wedding who could watch the baby during the getting ready time and the ceremony? The only other thing I would try is just explaining that you really want everyone, including her, to be able to relax and have fun and private 'girl time' at the salon and ask her if she can arrange for someone to watch the baby during that time. If she refuses, I don't know if there is much else you can do without damaging the relationship. If the baby does end up coming to the salon, maybe you can call and find out if there is a private lounge or room that she can hang out in if the baby is fussy, needs to eat, be changed, etc. so that it doesn't cause too much of a fuss in the salon...
I would have to agree with you, especially since FMIL is offering to make sure there is a sitter. I honestly dont see what the big deal is if there is someone to watch it at home? For this reason of being scared that certain members of family/friends would either not come at all or bring them anyways if we said adults only, we are having childcare provided at the venues to watch the kids with a split fee, we pay half and the parents pay half.
I honestly wouldnt want a baby around while Im enjoying getting ready and spending time with family before and plus, its also really hectic and the mom would be distracted, baby crying, someone will always have to watch it...its just not enjoyable for anyone, especially the mom. Then theres the baby during the ceremony and no offense to anyone, but I dont want to hear a pin drop, let alone a baby crying, while Im takng my vows. I went to a wedding this past weekend where granted a beautiful baby girl balled the entire time and the parents didnt take her out because they wanted to watch the ceremony.
You should have a talk with her and politely and calmly discuss her leaving the baby with a sitter. And not just for you, but for her, I mean she wouldnt enjoy herself as much with a baby on her hip. I dont think itll damage the relationship, you just need to be firm and help her see that its really for her benefit, as well.
Gosh, I love babies but just not at wedding!
I don't think it's wrong at all. I know I wouldn't want a possible crying or fussy baby wherever I'm getting ready at. But I also don't have kids so maybe I just don't get it. You could tell her that they don't allow small children or babies in the salon (I know the salon I go to does not allow you to bring your children). Or maybe FMIL can talk to her about it, since obviously she gets it since she is offering childcare. Who will be watching the baby during the ceremony if both mom and dad are in the wedding and during pictures? I really don't understand why people want to bring babies and small children to weddings but maybe that's just me.
I see both sides to this situation. I understand that you don't want kids at the wedding, but the baby will be 6 months old and possibly still breast feeding.
Perhaps you can strike some kind of compromise. Maybe take up FMIL's offer of a baby sitter during the salon time and ceremony, then allow the baby to come to the reception?
I think it would be a little harsh to ask the mom to leave her baby the entire day, but I do agree that having some extra help is necessary. I went to a relative's wedding where the groom's nephew was about a year and a half. All of the immediate family was in the wedding party so I had to babysit during the ceremony and missed the whole wedding because he started crying. Not fun. Hope you can find some kind of compromise. :)
Thanks for the advice, ladies. I think I might try to have FMIL talk to her, since she thinks it is a good idea to have the baby with a sitter. (actually, she wants the baby to come to the ceremony where she says she will hold him -I haven't mentioned to her yet that I don't want her walking down the asile with a baby in her arms!) and then have a babysitter for the reception portion of the evening. I think FMIL just assumed that there would be 'someone' to take care of the baby while we are going to the salon and getting ready, I guess it is just a matter of figuring out who that 'someone' is!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who would be opposed to having a screaming baby around while I get ready! I know for sure that if someone had said they were bringing their baby to the salon, getting ready, etc to FSIL's wedding, she would have had a conniption!
I'm looking at this from both sides as well. What if you made arrangements for the babysitter to be on location. That way the mom can have fun at the celebration, and feel like if she's needed she can be right there. Plus as a family member, she is going to have people asking how the baby is... etc so it would make sense that they would want to see the infant. The baby is pretty young, and not everyone likes to leave their kids...
yeah, wouldn't it be tough to be away from the baby for that long if she's breast feeding? My dude of honor's fiance came to my shower this weekend with her baby and she had to breastfeed three times in about four hours. The baby is only three months old, but can they really go that long at six months?
Sorry to be the voice of dissention, but you asked her to be a BM knowing she would have a 6 month old baby, and now you made the wedding adult only, so you put her in a very tough postition. If she is breastfeeding, then I think it's not realistic to expect her to leave her 6 month old ANYWHERE else. I know if it were me, I would decline to attend. (Yes I know everyone thinks you want to be so very far away from your baby and what a "break" it will be but I wouldn't want to be worrying about DD the whole time!)
IMO, it would be rude to ask her not to bring her baby, but if you want to have FMIL try to talk to her then that may be the route to go. I also don't think your FMIL thinks anyone will be watching the baby while you get ready, she probably assumes that it's not an issue for the Mom to have the baby with her. (As does the mom, probably. You can say "adult only reception" and "adult only ceremony" but you can't really say "adult only getting-ready-for-the-wedding-time." In the end you may just want to have FI tell FSIL that you don't like babies or children and you don't want her to bring the baby at all. Then at least she has the opportunity to back out as a BM.
I am a mother and I can tell you when my first born was 6 months old there was no way in hell that I would leave her with anybody besides my mother so arranging child care for me would kind of go out the window. Not all parents like leaving their children with just anybody. Plus a 6 month old still sleeps alot and they are generally good at that age. Easily entertained and they cant walk so they dont try and get out of the stroller and run around and drive everybody crazy. Honestly if I were your BM and you asked me not to bring my 6 month old baby who I obviously could not get a family member to care for then I would probably back out of your wedding. No kids is one thing but a baby that small is another. I guess for you it is a win/win situation. You ask her not to bring the baby and she complies or you ask her and she drops out. Either way, there will be no babies at your wedding!
I don't have any kids, so I guess you can take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I can't see how someone has to be that close to their child 24/7. Just because you had a kid doesn't mean you can't take part in any of the grown up get-togethers anymore. If that's your FSIL's first child, I can understand if there's some separation anxiety associated with letting a baby sitter take over, but she'll have to get over that eventually. By August, she might be more receptive to the idea of a baby sitter.
Its not about seperation anxiety, or not being with your child 24/7. Its about a baby being in the care of someone else that you do not KNOW. Babies are a lot of work - some easier than others - and most of them do best with their parents.
The baby WILL need to be close incase he is breastfeeding or something happens. There is no way in hell I would leave my 6 month old for an entire day - and we aren't talking daycare hours - you are saying, getting ready, ceremony, reception, etc. That is TOO long if he hasn't been left that long before or is being breastfed!
There could be someone taking care of the baby - that she is comfortable with for the ceremony and the reception (or part of the reception) that is close - like in a another room with a cool set up. A port-a-crib, bouncy seat and toys. She can go check on the baby in between things and during the reception.
But getting ready for the wedding? What is that about? People who have that much of a problem with having babies around shouldn't ask people with babies to be in their wedding.
She should NOT walk down the isle with the baby - but she should NOT be asked to keep her baby away when people are getting their hair done!
The other thing is the more the baby can be kept with her right up until the ceremony then the better the baby will be for the sitter and the less she will get called away. The baby should be kept up - playing, feeding, etc. so that he is good and tired and can go to sleep...then she goes onto the ceremony.
It can be done - but if you are just going to be like, "well its my day and that's it" then that is your right. Then she should not be in the wedding - or even attend if she can't get a sitter that she is comfortable with. Why would you ask someone to be in a wedding that just had a baby anyway? If you don't like kids maybe she wouldn't want to be there - so you should just tell her that.
Well, this is your NIECE so it makes it a little more difficult. We didn't have ANY children at our wedding....except our nephew. I mean, how can you tell your FI's sister "sorry, tough noogies"? It's really tough when they're an immediate sibling with a baby. However, we invited my SIL's husband's parents (so your FI's sisters in laws) and THEY babysat our nephew during the wedding. They took him home at 8pm, too.
Is that an option?
You're being unreasonable. The woman has a six month old baby. Can I understand not wanting the baby at the wedding? Yes. Is it okay to ask that the baby not attend the wedding? Yes. Is it okay to tell her that she can't take her baby to the salon or spend time with her baby during the day before the wedding? Absolutely not!
Not wanting to have the baby attend the wedding is one thing, not wanting the baby to interfere with your "special day" by being at the salon is quite another.
I TOTALLY agree that you are within your bridal rights to ask that the baby not be at the wedding. But I think the salon trip, and the getting ready portion...well, that is a lot to ask of a new mother. I think you should show your appreciation for the fact taht she is willing to go to the wedding without the baby, by allowing her to have the baby at the salon/get ready.
Also, is it really worth causing a fmaily issue that may not disappear after the wedding?
I think it's one thing to request that the baby not come to the ceremony and reception, but it's unreasonable to expect her not to have her child anywhere around during "getting ready" time, especially if she's breastfeeding. It's also unreasonable to expect that she "should" be able to just leave her child with a sitter with no qualms.
I understand you're not a kid person. But this isn't even a toddler with sticky hands, to get pb&j on your dress. A six month old isn't someone who is always crying. And if the baby is breastfeeding, it's really difficult to manage all day with a sitter. This is a BM and family member. I think you should be more flexible.
I like the idea of having a sitter on site. I like the idea of allowing the baby for some of the day. Talk to your FSIL on what parts of the day she needs to have the baby around. Try to work out times when she can be left with a sitter. Use your FMIL to help, (as it sounds like she was on board with a sitter.)
But I doubt the baby is going to cramp your style on your wedding day. It's not like you have to hold her and watch her. I just don't think you want to cause the problems of being hard line on this.
If you're really against baby during "getting ready time" can't she just not come to the salon? And, unless it's a breastfeeding issue (and you should answer the question of whether or not she's breastfeeding her baby so we can help more), I don't see why "guy time" is so precious that the father of the baby can't watch it while the mom gets ready. Again, that's assuming it's not a breastfeeding issue.
it's your day- the one day you can say, "no, i don't want your kid around", and it's ok and no one can call you an a**hole. i completely agree about wanting your day to be child-free, and that's not a ridiculous request. but since your FSIL is acting like it is, and bringing her baby to your events and wedding is not insane at all, then you might need to put your foot down and play the MY DAY card. she'll get over it.
It will be very hard for her to leave her baby for a long period of time if she is breastfeeding. My baby is 11 months old and I am still breastfeeding (although not as frequently as before). At 6 months, I couldn't do any longer than 5-6 hours without breastfeeding, otherwise my boobs will fill up with milk, get really sore and uncomfortable and then start leaking. I spent my first weekend away from my baby a few weeks ago and I had to pump every night to release the pressure. I've been to a few wedding receptions and everytime I am thinking about my boobs and whether they are leaking. I even had to sit in a bathroom stall one time and squeeze some milk out (gross I know). Even if she is not breastfeeding it is still hard on a new parent. You can't really totally understand until you have kids. So just try to think about it from her perspective and see that she is make a huge effort by being in your wedding.
for me personally I would not want a babysitter watch my kids, if i needed someone to watch my kids it would be a family member, for me, I would not attend the wedding but if I couldn't bring my kids or find a family member to watch them. I think with family you should be more flexible in this case.
@kjwinter - I don't think that's good advice. Getting married is not an excuse to stomp all over everybody else and think that they'll understand because it's "your day". It's not "your day", time doesn't stand still for you to get married, and people don't stop living their lives to lie down in front of you. If you force people to do things they're not comfortable doing, they indeed will call you an a**hole and talk about you behind your back if not to your face.
I don't blame you for being less than excited about having a baby around while you're trying to relax and enjoy spending time with your girlfriends on your wedding day. I'd feel the same way, and I like kids. But I think that if you insist on a baby-free zone while you're getting ready for the wedding, the mother is likely to decline the whole salon/hotel thing and get ready on her own (where she can watch her baby). Is that preferable to having the baby around during the day?
Is there someone else going to be at the wedding that could maybe just be in charge of the baby while you are getting ready? Are you concerned that you will have to deal with a baby being around you during the day or because the mom won't be able to participate fully on that day?
I don't know....the salon doesn't prohibit babies, the hotel doesn't prohibit babies, I do think it's a bit overstepping for you to prohibit babies the entire day.
I'm not sure that there is any way to tactfully keep the baby from coming. I think your best bet is to have your FMIL talk to your FSIL about you guys trying to relieve some of her baby duties so the baby isn't there the whole time and figuring out when the husband can take care of him, etc.
But....that would be really hard to keep a new mom away from her baby for the whole day, so I don't know how it's going to pan out. You either have to be OK with her disappearing for a bit during the day to tend to mothering or for the baby to come to you guys for a bit for her to do some mothering or I think it's going to create some bad blood between you and your new SIL for creating a situation that isn't quite necessary.
You might need to bend a little bit on the getting ready part. I understand where you are coming from, but it's not a toddler, it's a 6-month old and they don't really do anything but sit in a carrier. Now the walking down the aisle with the baby- ok that's a bit ridiculous. At most of the weddings I've been to where there was a member of the bridal party with a baby, another relative- not involved in the wedding- usually watched them during the ceremony at least. She shouldn't have an issue with that I would hope, especially if it's an aunt or cousin or something.
How about the FSIL's in-laws coming to help out? I'm assuming they aren't invited to the wedding. Then at least there could be someone they trust there to watch them when the mom isn't around.
sorry typed my response too quickly and submitted it without reading.
basically what i am trying to say is that you should be more flexible in terms of allowing her to be with her baby because if it was me, being with my baby and taking care of them (since all family members are at the wedding and will not be able to watch the baby outside of the venue/area) is more important to me then getting ready for ANY wedding.
I vote that when it comes to the babies of immediate family, it's better to be flexible.
I think most of the people on this thread are making two assumptions: (1) katiei invited her FSIL after she got pregnant or had the baby, and (2) whatever sitter they find will be a complete stranger to FSIL. I did not make either of those assumptions.
I would never leave my child with a baby sitter I didn't know very well, regardless of the age of my child, and I completely agree that it is asking too much for FSIL to leave her 6 month old with a random sitter.
Again, take this with a grain of salt because I've never had kids... but I have coworkers who came back to work 3 months after their babies were born, working 8 hours days, and they are doing just fine using a breast pump in the bathroom when they need to. Yeah I know breast pumps don't work for everyone, and yeah I know some babies refuse to drink breast milk from a bottle, but that option is worth a try.
FWIW, my salon did prohibit kids being on the salon floor. They had a separate conference room that we set up breakfast in and then the two mothers in my party brought someone along to watch the kids while they were having their hair done or passed the kid off to another BM who had agreed to do this in advance. I also asked for no kids during the getting me into the dress time, but there was some time before that where we were just hanging out having lunch and I did not mind the kids being there then. All my events were in one place (except the salon) so the fathers of the kids were onsite and able to take them when my BMs were needed to lace up my dress.
I'm going to be in that exact same situation in a few months here. Both my sister and my fiance's sister are set to have babies this summer and our wedding is in October. I like kids, but I also want a calm, peaceful morning before I make this huge step in my life - and babies don't exactly scream calm, peaceful morning. I don't have much advice since I haven't figured out where these new kiddos will be staying while my 2 new mommy bridesmaids are fulfilling their bridesmaid duties...but know that you're not alone.
I absolutely love children! But if you don't, and it is going to stress you out I think you, FMIL or your FI should talk to SIL. The truth is, even the "best" babies sometimes have bad days, and won't stop screaming. You never know when one of those days will strike!
Others have suggested it, why don't you give her the option of coming to the salon w/out baby or meeting you guys there. Maybe you could even arrange to have her hair/makeup done towards the end, so she wouldn't have to be there w/out baby for quite as long.
I think jenbrander made a good point. Tons of women work full time soon after a baby, some don't. But to assume that all mothers are incapable of leaving their child is a little bit of a stretch.
One of my BM's is having a baby this Aug, and our wedding is next June, so she'll be about 10 months old. Her hubby is being deployed soon after the baby is born, and she will be travelling for the wedding. I'm hoping some of her fam will step up to sit for much of the weekend....but I'm not about to cross that bridge quite yet though :)
You cared enough to post this, so I'm sure that you will be able to patch together enough advice to come to a solution that works for everyone! It is your day, and it is important that you are able to enjoy it!
it sounds like your FMIL might share your opinion, so maybe inlist her to talk to your FSIL to at least have a babysitter for the little one.
i am like you - i dont really want kids at all around me on my wedding day. i tolerate kids when i have to, but for the one time i can dictate my space, on a day i want to remember for the rest of my life, yeah i dont want any child near me - toddler, newborn, tween - whatever. no thank you.
im just not a kid person. period.
and you arent alone. my FSIL has a 4 year old that is not gonna be in the wedding and frankly i dont want any where near me (no reflection on her as a child, i just, again dont like kids). So i think the inlaws are bringing a sitter.
tread lightly though, she is a FSIL, so best not to trample on a young mother's fragile feelings. it might cause problems down the road.
i dont think your request is unreasonable either though. maybe have a room next door where she can be with baby (and whomever the family member sitter is) so she can slip out when she feels like it while yall are getting ready?
I have a similar situation - my partner's sister will be bringing her 8 month old and I was actually not super happy about this at first - in my case b/c our wedding is in Las Vegas and I cannot think of a worse place for a little baby than a hotel in Vegas with a casino in it!!!
But the baby is very little and she is not comfortable leaving her home. And now, I have come around and am really excited to meet the new baby and have a cute little baby at our wedding. Okay, I still think a baby in Vegas with all of that smoke and noise is a horrible idea personally, but it is not my child and I want her to make her own choice. I think you should do the same for the sake of family peace.
If you think about it, babies don't really disrupt anything. If the baby cries, I would hope someone would bring the little one outside to quite down but that's basically it. Little kids are the ones who act up at events like weddings! The baby will probably fall asleep.
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So I guess the title of this post makes it sound pretty innocuous, but basically the story is this:
We're getting married in August. Fiance's sister had a baby in February, both she and her husband are in the wedding party.
We aren't having any children at the wedding; FMIL has offered to get a babysitter to watch the baby the day of the wedding at her home.
FSIL/Bridesmaid doesn't seem to understand that we don't want the baby at the wedding. If it was literally just going to be attending the wedding, I might be more ok with it, but given that everyone (including Moms) are going to be going to the salon together and getting ready in the hotel together, there won't be anyone to watch the baby. The guys will be off doing their own thing so her husband won't be able to watch him either. She thinks that she is just going to bring the baby to the salon and into the hotel room where we (read: I) will be getting ready.
I think this is totally inappropriate, and I'd like to be sensitive to the fact that he is her kid and she loves him, but this is my wedding, and I don't want it to be filled with baby. (Side note, I don't really like kids.).
Am I wrong to say NO, you can't bring your baby to the salon and to where we will all be getting ready? I don't think it is unreasonable, but this could be from my non-Mommy point of view. How could I go about telling her that I think it is inappropriate that she bring her baby without being a major B?