(Closed) Bridesmaid was M.I.A.

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yep.

Or just don’t do anything with her and do the "silent unplug" like I did with my recent frenemy..and just let things slide and say a passive buy bye to that.  That was RUDE of her..very rude and to be with your FI’s high school girlfriend at YOUR wedding?  Um.  No

I had an issue similar when I married my x.  I barely knew his sister.  His parents pressured us to have her as a bm.  So I thought it would be a nice way to get to know her and be friends.  Oh wrongo!!!

She’s a total 180 from me in looks, thought, and everything.  First of all she suddenly couldn’t pay for the BM dress and my then FI (now ex H) PAID for it..and let me tell you.  She went to the store, OUR check in hand to buy it, and found out they didn’t make it in her size..she was too big and they didn’t go up that large..so we had to have hers CUSTOM MADE and the silk fabric was $$$.  Her dress ended up being back in 1996 over 250 bucks..

She didn’t go to my bachelorette party at all.  My sister and MOH gave it and everybody went..but her.  She claimed she could not attend because of her "religious convictions".  Um.  We went to watch some dueling pianos at a local restaurant and bar and it was awesome fun!  I am a person who has faith in their life too and considered that a huge slap.  The girl did manage to come to one shower, and bought something SUPER AWFUL…beyond the T word I don’t even throw around here…it was some jungley looking napkin rings that weren’t even in my color scheme around my house and of course NOT ON any registry or anything my FI or I would like at all. 

Then the day of the wedding after blowing off my oh so mild yet really fun bachelorette party, she shows up to the wedding as though she got out of the shower…like your SIL did!  Except I had paid for..PAID FOR hair and makeup for each bridesmaid as another thank you gift to them.  I’d paid FIFTY BUCKS again 1996 economy which might be like almost 100 now…what did she do?  Huh?

She REFUSED for them to style her hair or makeup.  The makeup artist and the stylists were AWESOME…nobody looked tarted or painted up, and there was NO EXCUSE why she said no.  I’d had it at that point..2 hours before the wedding.  This girl, wearing the expensive dress WE BOUGHT..standing there with flat, straight hair, no makeup, looking like a ghost, and not contributing whatsoever to the wedding except for having been with her mom to one shower and no attempt to get to know me at all…refusing and letting me lose another fifty bucks?

I had had it.  I told her she was selfish and rude.  My sister took her out in the hallway and said some choice phrases to her.  I told her that the day of the wedding AFTER i HAD ALREADY paid for the services of the makeup artist and hair stylist was too late and that she had gotten a pretty good ride from me.  She ended up walking down the aisle JUST LIKE THAT..and she embarassed her parents and everybody.  Even her mom told her right before the wedding ‘Now L, let them DO your hair and makeup..you look so pasty and your hair looks like it DRIED like that."

Fast forward a few years…no good relationship with her.  No overtures ever to be a friend to me whatsoever.  When I finally divorced my xh, I was SO HAPPY to have divorced her as well..that’s not a friend.  She was an extremely selfish person who liked playing some sort of bizarre martyr and yet take take take all the time.

But she did from time to time over the years bring ALL HER KIDS ( mean alot) over to my home and let them run wild and come over to visit for a few days..week was longest at one time and only b/c my then H let it happen.  We’d deal with her, let her go and not hear from her for a year or two..fine by me.  But she KNEW WHERE I STOOD with her.

Nip this in the bud now.  Let her know it’s unacceptable.  Rude.

Post # 4
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh wow.  My brother’s not engaged, but I shudder to think what my mom would do to me if I pulled that kind of crap at his wedding. I’d be on the phone within 24 hours apologizing profusely to his new wife!

I’d say vent a little to your husband the next time you pull out your wedding photos, and ask his opinion on whether you should say something to his sister.  If this is something that’s going to bug you every time you see her, you might want to clear the air — when you show her the wedding photos, mention that you’re a bit hurt she couldn’t make time to do hair and makeup for the ceremony, especially after she made such a big deal about this being her "only brother’s wedding."  On the other hand, if you think you can let this go, I’d say let it go and don’t risk the drama.  (It’s possible that her parents have already said something to her about it, although in that case I might have expected her to apologize to you.)

Also, is she someone who does her hair and makeup nicely most days?  Or does she not care about this stuff in general?  If she’s not into hair and makeup at all, she may just not have seen the point in making time for it.  I definitely have some friends who would only wear makeup if I explicitly told them "I want you to wear makeup for the pictures." 

Post # 5
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You have every right to be annoyed about the fact that she did not respect your perfectly reasonable timeline on your wedding day.  But I would consider dropping the issue, since she is family and you are stuck with her forever and there is nothing she can do now to fix the problem.  The most you can get out of her is an insincere apology (she can’t offer you a genuine one, since she knew exactly what she was doing when she decided to ignore your request that she stop screwing around and come to your room).  The lesson here for the future is to not depend on her for anything important.  Since she is family, you should try to be as nice to her as possible, but that doesn’t require you doing anything more than making polite chitchat at family events.

Post # 6
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

After all is said and done, there is usually more said than done.  She may resent you for coming to her after the fact, you may not like her response or lack therof, etc.  You saying something now isnt going to change anything.  Sounds like being irresponsible and self absorbed is her MO and I just would know for future reference not to turn to her for anything!

Post # 7
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

 I think my gut says don’t say anything.  Nothing can be  changed.  You can’t go back and redo the day.  There are some situations that people need to be called to the table about, so they don’t happen again.  But your wedding day is a one day deal.  She won’t be in that situation again.  And it might make things worse.

Now if you think these actions were part of a passive aggressive act to dig at you, you might have something else to work with.  Did you feel like she was expressing that she likes the ex better than you?  Have you always butted heads with her?  If you are likely to see her much, and want to get on track with her, maybe you two can go to lunch.  Try to get on track, maybe figure some common interests and work from there.  If you don’t really want to be friends with her, and feel like your personalities will never allow for a friendship, I don’t believe there is much to discuss that would improve the situation.

Post # 8
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m on the let it go bandwagon.  It didn’t diminish your day, and the only person it reflected badly on was her.  You’ve got a lifetime to live together, and it sounds like she is on the younger side.  She’ll probably do some growing up over time. 

I find that the best thing sometimes is to set a good example, and not to bring yourself down to a level where you diminish yourself.  If hearing her say "sorry" would mean a lot to you, maybe at some point you could ask her what happened and let her know that it hurt your feelings… but honestly, I don’t know how much that would do anyway.  Make sure it is at a point where you can say what you feel in a totally non-confrontational way, and that you are not tied to a particular outcome.

Best of luck and congratulations!

Post # 9
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m on the "let it go" bandwagon.

But I’m also on the "find the ugliest picture of her face and hair and blow it up poster size as her next birthday gift" bandwagon.

And maybe also the "wait until her wedding because paybacks are hell" bandwagon.

🙂  I’m feeling evil this morning.   

Post # 10
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

That is a little ridiculous. Even if you are not a make-up person and never wear it, unless you are allergic, you should let the bride pay for someone to put make-up on your face. What skin is it off your back? I had a make-up and hair-stylist come to my hotel the day of the wedding, and I think my bridesmaids and I had a lot of fun getting ready together and looking at hairstyles and things – it’s a bonding experience above all else. And who doesn’t like getting pampered FOR FREE!

But, there is not much to say to her. Along the lines of what Bellenga said – you know now the type of person she is and where she stands, so you will respond to her accordingly in the future. You will just look like the bad guy if you choose to say something at this point.

Post # 11
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Adding:  When I confronted my xsil nobody really looked at me as "bad guy".  I was dealing with a woman who had definite issues and it was more boundaries setting for me.    People like this will constantly test your boundaries and do it for a reaction or to see what they can get by with unless that is set.  You can do it decently of course, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that. 

Post # 13
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I wouldn’t say anything, but I would keep in mind that she’s not someone you can depend on in a situation in which someone else is going to be the center of attention, for whatever reason. It might help to think that she blew a chance to get a photograph of herself done by a professional photographer in which she looked *great*. Most people don’t have too many opportunities for that; she shot herself in the foot while you had an awesome wedding day. If you had put her in a dress that was ugly/inappropriate for her, her appearance might have reflected on you, but I’m sure it was clear that she looked unappealing because *she* wanted to. Something goes wrong at every wedding; as long as the "something" wasn’t you breaking out into an allergic rash as a reaction to your makeup, it’s all good. 🙂

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