Post # 1
I invited one of my close friends for the past 11+ years to be a bridesmaid. I am having a destination wedding in Mexico. She and I had discussed both having our weddings in Mexico, and were both in agreeance that it’s the way to go.
Initially she said of course she would be a bridesmaid. Then she said she couldn’t afford my “ballin’ ass hotel” and wanted to look for cheaper alternatives. I told her that even if she stayed at a sub-par resort, the food would be inedible and she would have to pay close to $100 each time she needed a guest pass at my resort (for the rehearsal an actual wedding). She has a good job, a new car, and fake boobs. She does alright, is what I’m trying to say.
If she invited me to her wedding a year in advance, there’s no way I wouldn’t be able to save $1800. I would do anything to be there for her.
It kind of seems like she wants an out.
Today was my baby shower. She told me several days ago she would try to make it. It’s almost midnight and I still haven’t heard from her as to why she didn’t show up. No call, no text. I’m hurt. Lately she has been taking a day or two to even respond to texts.
Do you think she is trying to tell me she doesn’t want to be a BM? She is acting like a shitty friend and it’s very out of character. Should I tell her she doesn’t have to be?
Post # 3
@jaia07: is there something else going on in her life? Did she maybe get laid off at work and is too embarrassed to say? maybe she is having issues with her SO? Maybe something in life is just stressing her out?
I would suggest making plans to go have coffee and have a chat? Ask her if everything is ok? and if she says ya.. then kindly express to her how much it would mean to you to have her there….. and if it is a financial thing.. maybe you and your fiance could help her get there or something?
Post # 4
She has stated that it is a financial thing. But her out of character behavior like skipping my baby shower without a call makes it seem like she just wants an “out”. I can’t pay for her trip. I thought giving people a years’ notice would be enough time to save if they really wanted to be there.
She is planning her own wedding in 2015, but she has explicitly stated that she will recieve all the money they spend on it back in little red envelopes (she’s Chinese). It just doesn’t add up to me.
Post # 5
@jaia07: I really think there is something else going on that is causing a huge stress in her life! maybe her and her fiance are having issues or something… or an emergency came up or something today… i think until you have a chance to sit down with her and have a heart to heart to find out what is going on you should give her the benefit of the doubt
Post # 6
I think it is time to retire the “if they really wanted to be there” trope. One of my best friends just announced that they are getting married in Mexico, and the all-inclusive resort they chose is going to cost about $1600 per person for three nights with airfare. My partner and I simply cannot afford to go to this wedding. Frankly, even if we had a year to save that money, given that we are paying off student loans and want to start a family next year we still could not, in good conscience, spend that much to go to a wedding – or on any vacation, to be honest.
I understand that destination weddings may be cheaper for the bride and groom – my partner and I considered one at some point – but it puts a significant financial burden on guests. If you have your heart set on having one, then be prepared to have a small crowd, especially since a lot of folks are still recovering from the recession and/or have other financial obligations.
Post # 7
Do you understand what an imposition a destination wedding is on people, especially those in your bridal party who are already spending their money on dresses, shoes, and other things that they get no say in? Not to mention baby showers in your case?
So what if she CAN afford it – she doesn’t want to spend that much on your wedding. It’s pretty presumptuous to assume that people want to spend that much to be at your beck and call for a day or weekend. I’ve been to a destination wedding in Mexico – it was nice enough, but I personally find resorts pretty un-inspiring, soulless places and I would generally never spend money on them. It’s my time and my money.
Oh and her finances are none of your business. If it’s not something she wants to spend money on, that’s HER choice, not yours. If you want her there that bad, pony up and help her pay for the resort.
I would give her an out from the wedding. Sounds like she doesn’t want to be there. She’d probably appreciate it.
Post # 8
I’m buying their dresses, accessories, hair, and make up the day of. I think it’s unfair to expect people to pay for those themselves if they’ve already paid to come.
We didn’t choose a destination wedding because it’s cheaper for us; we’re renting a private island and it’s still costing us around 30,000 all in. We chose it because it’s what we truly wanted.
Post # 9
I would just like to chime in, she may look all put together on the outside but you never know what is in someones account.
She may have a fake chest and a nice car… but what if she also has hundreds of thousands in debt? What if this good job is what is keeping the collectors from knocking at the door? She may be supporting her parents or a relative, or saving for her own wedding!
A year in advance is very reasonable to allow them to save but if their finances do not allow to spend so much on your wedding it doesn’t matter how much notice you give them!
You shouldn’t look at it as she should do anything to be at your wedding since she is a friend, you should expect her to do anything to save your life, not attend a wedding. Because under “everything” it implies that her financial well being no longer matters, that she must cut things out of her own life to attend 1 wedding.
My wedding is on a Wednesday for example and people have 6 months notice, but I’m not going to say “You should’ve just taken the time off work because I gave you enough notice” when maybe they can’t afford to or are saving their time off for something more important. It certainly stings but it is a fact of life.
I would try not to look at this as she doesn’t want to be in the wedding, but she just can’t. Give her the out option and just try not to judge her for it… she probably isn’t thrilled that she is missing your wedding. It may also be good to ask her “What can you afford?” to see if she actually is short a certain amount of money (that could be loaned to her) or if she is still just “it is too much I can’t go”.
Post # 10
@jaia07: $1800 is an incredible amount of money to be the minimum amount to spend for someone else’s wedding – I assume that is before a gift to you, bachelorette, etc. She might be feeling financially tapped – it’s not your business how she choses to allocate her funds, and for many people 1800 is a very significant fraction of a year’s expendible funds. I think you should offer her a graceful out, or offer to help her financially.
Post # 11
I think you should give her an out. Suggest she come as a guest if she wants. But tell her being a BM is not necessary. You want her as a friend more than anything.
Post # 12
Two issues here:
Not staying at your hotel: I would let this one go and let her choose her own accomodations. You’ve warned her that there would be additional costs involved if she chooses this route, but that is her decision to make.
Not coming to your baby shower: Ok, that one is very hurtful. No text, no nothing? I would call her up and be like “um, where were you?? I was hoping you’d be able to make it…” and see if you can talk that one out with her.
Post # 13
@jaia07: Feelings about how expensive this destination wedding is aside…she should still be a good enough friend to just come right out and say, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t save that much in that amount of time, and as much as it hurts, I will need to drop out of the wedding.”
As for the baby shower? No excuse really.
Post # 14
The baby shower is what I’m most hurt about. I don’t care if she brought gift of not. But no call, no text, even the day after. The date was set two months ago and I reminded her about it Friday.
It just seems like she’s trying to make me mad enough to say “don’t bother coming to my wedding”.
I don’t expect my friends to throw me a bachelorette party. I am super anal and even organized and paid for my own baby shower yesterday. I also don’t expect gifts if they’re attending the wedding, and will make that clear.
The bridesmaids will pay no more than regualr wedding guests. I’m covering the extras. So offering her a spot as a guest only won’t change a thing.