Bridesmaid who doesn't seem to want to be in wedding — long

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@jaia07:  is there something else going on in her life? Did she maybe get laid off at work and is too embarrassed to say? maybe she is having issues with her SO? Maybe something in life is just stressing her out?

I would suggest making plans to go have coffee and have a chat? Ask her if everything is ok? and if she says ya.. then kindly express to her how much it would mean to you to have her there….. and if it is a financial thing.. maybe you and your fiance could help her get there or something?

Post # 5
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@jaia07:  I really think there is something else going on that is causing a huge stress in her life! maybe her and her fiance are having issues or something… or an emergency came up or something today… i think until you have a chance to sit down with her and have a heart to heart to find out what is going on you should give her the benefit of the doubt

Post # 6
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think it is time to retire the “if they really wanted to be there” trope.  One of my best friends just announced that they are getting married in Mexico, and the all-inclusive resort they chose is going to cost about $1600 per person for three nights with airfare.  My partner and I simply cannot afford to go to this wedding.  Frankly, even if we had a year to save that money, given that we are paying off student loans and want to start a family next year we still could not, in good conscience, spend that much to go to a wedding – or on any vacation, to be honest.  

I understand that destination weddings may be cheaper for the bride and groom – my partner and I considered one at some point – but it puts a significant financial burden on guests.  If you have your heart set on having one, then be prepared to have a small crowd, especially since a lot of folks are still recovering from the recession and/or have other financial obligations.

Post # 7
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

Do you understand what an imposition a destination wedding is on people, especially those in your bridal party who are already spending their money on dresses, shoes, and other things that they get no say in? Not to mention baby showers in your case?

So what if she CAN afford it – she doesn’t want to spend that much on your wedding. It’s pretty presumptuous to assume that people want to spend that much to be at your beck and call for a day or weekend. I’ve been to a destination wedding in Mexico – it was nice enough, but I personally find resorts pretty un-inspiring, soulless places and I would generally never spend money on them. It’s my time and my money.

Oh and her finances are none of your business. If it’s not something she wants to spend money on, that’s HER choice, not yours. If you want her there that bad, pony up and help her pay for the resort.

I would give her an out from the wedding. Sounds like she doesn’t want to be there. She’d probably appreciate it.

Post # 9
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I would just like to chime in, she may look all put together on the outside but you never know what is in someones account.

She may have a fake chest and a nice car… but what if she also has hundreds of thousands in debt? What if this good job is what is keeping the collectors from knocking at the door? She may be supporting her parents or a relative, or saving for her own wedding!

A year in advance is very reasonable to allow them to save but if their finances do not allow to spend so much on your wedding it doesn’t matter how much notice you give them!

You shouldn’t look at it as she should do anything to be at your wedding since she is a friend, you should expect her to do anything to save your life, not attend a wedding. Because under “everything” it implies that her financial well being no longer matters, that she must cut things out of her own life to attend 1 wedding.

My wedding is on a Wednesday for example and people have 6 months notice, but I’m not going to say “You should’ve just taken the time off work because I gave you enough notice” when maybe they can’t afford to or are saving their time off for something more important. It certainly stings but it is a fact of life.

I would try not to look at this as she doesn’t want to be in the wedding, but she just can’t. Give her the out option and just try not to judge her for it… she probably isn’t thrilled that she is missing your wedding. It may also be good to ask her “What can you afford?” to see if she actually is short a certain amount of money (that could be loaned to her) or if she is still just “it is too much I can’t go”.

Post # 10
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jaia07:  $1800 is an incredible amount of money to be the minimum amount to spend for someone else’s wedding – I assume that is before a gift to you, bachelorette, etc.  She might be feeling financially tapped – it’s not your business how she choses to allocate her funds, and for many people 1800 is a very significant fraction of a year’s expendible funds.  I think you should offer her a graceful out, or offer to help her financially.

Post # 11
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you should give her an out. Suggest she come as a guest if she wants. But tell her being a BM is not necessary.  You want her as a friend more than anything. 

Post # 12
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Two issues here:

Not staying at your hotel:  I would let this one go and let her choose her own accomodations. You’ve warned her that there would be additional costs involved if she chooses this route, but that is her decision to make.

 

Not coming to your baby shower:  Ok, that one is very hurtful.  No text, no nothing?  I would call her up and be like “um, where were you?? I was hoping you’d be able to make it…” and see if you can talk that one out with her.  

 

Post # 13
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@jaia07:  Feelings about how expensive this destination wedding is aside…she should still be a good enough friend to just come right out and say, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t save that much in that amount of time, and as much as it hurts, I will need to drop out of the wedding.”

As for the baby shower? No excuse really.

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