Post # 1
One of my bridesmaids has been seeing a guy on and off for about 2 years. By seeing, I am referring to more of a friends with benefits situation. This guy has treated her very poorly, including but not limited to, calling her “too ugly to date” etc.. Not to mention he is frequently in unprovoked bar fights (almost ever time he goes out) and he does drugs. In fact he has ruined her birthdays in the past. Additionally, whenever they are out together she frequently cries the night away. This is the guy she has choosen to bring to my wedding. She swares this time he has changed.
I am very concerned that he will begin fighting with other men at the wedding (a very legitimate concern when considering his past and lack of respect for me or my bridesmaid) or that he will make her cry. She is very sensitive to him and if he begins speaking to other girls etc… this will undoubtedly occur. I have asked her to consider finding another date but she is not taking it very well, lashing out and being very argumentative. I am at the point, where I know longer feel that I need to explain myself and reason with her. Am I going overboard by protecting probably one of the most important days of my life, by asking that this guy stay at home?
Post # 3
Unfortunately, I think your friend should be able to bring anyone she wants as a guest. Are you allowing everyone to bring a plus one? If so, you’re treating your bridesmaid as less of a guest by not giving her the same privilege of other guests. I doubt that’s going to go over well, even if she handles it well in front of your face…you’re setting up a prime situation for some hurt feelings and a potential grudge.
At the same time, I understand your concern with this guy and why you don’t want him there. It seems like the problem is BOTH your bridesmaid and her bf. Sounds like she’s just as responsible for their public scenes as he is (by the way she responds). Your best bet, IMO, is to talk to her about your concerns and reference past events. Of course, don’t be condescending, but address your concern. Let her know that you’d really like for everything to go well on your wedding and you want her to enjoy herself too so you don’t want her and her bf to have any drama. She’ll appreciate the heads up over the “you can’t bring your boyfriend.” Give her a chance to AVOID a problem rather than telling her she can’t bring him. That way, on your wedding, if she needs to, she can suck up whatever he does and deal with it in private instead of causing a scene or talk to him in advance.
Post # 4
Ugh, what a situation. If everyone in the WP has a plus one and she insists on bringing him, you’re stuck. Honestly, I would try to get her to ditch him completely, not just for your wedding, but you never know how that will turn out.
I have (had?) a friend who was involved with a guy like this. They were sleeping together for a year and a half, but he ignored her in public and talked shit about her to his friends. She demanded that he take her on a date, and 20 minutes before they were supposed to meet he texted to say that he didn’t want to hang out because he would rather be playing video games. The next night, he texted her to come over for sex and she did. I lost it when she was telling me the story and I told her to have more respect for herself, etc. We aren’t friends anymore 🙁 I think she wanted sympathy but I had totally lost patience with her allowing herself to be treated like that!
Post # 5
@KAT3: This guy sounds terrible. However I don’t think you can dictate who your friend can bring…..I know that you want to be protective of her and you don’t want him to cause a scene, but as a friend you just need to be supportive of her choices. Or if not supportive, then you can’t tell her what to do and who to hang out with.
Post # 6
I think that the issue is not only this guy a douche to her friend, but she is worried there will be a scene at the wedding AND the guy is not nice to HER, either. I don’t think it’s fair that a bride should be obligated to allow someone she doesn’t even LIKE to her own wedding.
Post # 7
Wow. What an awful problem to deal with. I understand, and generally agree with, PP’s points about not singling out your bridesmaid and dictating who she can bring as a date, but, given this guy’s history, I’m going to break with what I would usually recommend and say instead, etiquette be damned, I would insist that unfortunately, this person is just not welcome at the wedding.
I actually wondered about something similar, but much less volatile, that might come up for us: I have a friend I’ve asked to sing at our wedding, and I know that she is friends with one of my exes. We’re actually not extending +1’s to our single guests, but I know sometimes people make assumptions and plans before they receive the actual invitations … and I’ve imagined having to have “that talk” with her: “(name), I’m sorry, we just have to keep the guest list really limited because there are so many family members we need to invite …” “But can’t you make an exception for (name), he’s a really good friend, and you know him too?” “I know that he’s your friend, and he thinks he’s on good terms with me, and I don’t have any vendetta against him or anything – but I really just do not feel comfortable with the idea of having him at the wedding. I hope you understand.”
Hope I don’t actually have to have that conversation – and I hope you are able to get through your version of it, if you have to have it, but yeah, if I were in your shoes I would blacklist this guy based on his past behavior. It sucks for him, because if he ever really does change, he’s dug himself a very deep hole he’ll have to get out of in order to persuade people that it’s for real.
Post # 8
Yes, I think you are going overboard. If you gave her a +1, you can’t dictate who that plus one is. If he were a criminal, tried to break up you and your fi, or tried to sleep with you or your FI, then you could not allow her to bring him. But simply not liking someone isn’t a good enough reason. I think the best you can do is to sit down and discuss your concerns about your friend getting involved with this guy again. Don’t mention your wedding – just talk about how you are worried about her and think she deserves way better.
Post # 9
@KCKnd2: “…etiquette be damned…”
I love this quote, I am going to post this on the wall above my wedding to-do lists!
Post # 10
Are you guys kidding me? She is paying to feed this +1, OP totally has the right to say no. If she wanted to bring her child molester boyfriend, would you still be saying it’s ok, she can bring whomever she wants?
OP, tell your friend that you love her and want her to be happy but this man is not invited to your wedding. Remind her of all the times he’s caused problems and tell her that this is not going to happen at your wedding. You can’t control who she’s decided to spend her life with but you can control who you’re paying to wine and dine for that one night. He treats her like shit, he starts fights and is overall an unpleasant man. She may bow out and your friendship may be over, but if she’s going to toddle after a jackass like that, your friendship was on borrowed time anyway.
Post # 11
Ehhhh this is tricky. The last thing you want is drama at your wedding, but from the sounds of this, you’re running the risk of drama one way or another. It’s definitely a lose-lose situation.
I say maybe try to really sit down with her one more time to express your concerns, and really make it clear that you are very concerned about her well being, and that it is less about your concerns of him making a spectacle of himself during the reception.
But the reality is…what if the worst happens at the reception? What if he gets into a fight? What if your bridesmaid is crying in the corner half the night? You gotta figure out how to handle it, and more importantly who will handle it. I definitely would let the bartender know to make his drinks a little on the lighter side just to be safe, and for sure make it clear to your bridesmaid he had better not be under the influence of drugs.
It sounds like this is beyond not simply being a fan of this guy. He has been extremely hurtful to your bridesmaid, and it sounds like she has a very unhealthy relationship with him. Your wedding aside, you definitely have a lot of reasons to be concerned about her well-being. But that eing said, people DO change. Perhaps he has?
I guess what I’m saying is talk to her, give him a chance,……and have a contingency plan if he acts up….
Post # 12
@zomgwut: “If she wanted to bring her child molester boyfriend, would you still be saying it’s ok, she can bring whomever she wants?”
Ding*ding*ding, you are correct! (I kind of feel bad that I truly LOLed at that.)
Post # 13
Thank you for all of your comments everyone! They were really helpful in what seemed like an impossible decision 🙂
Post # 14
I totally agree with what you said. Took the words out of my mouth