Post # 1
I am in a tough spot, and I really need some advice…
One of my bridesmaids just informed me that she is bringing her 4 month old baby to our wedding…by herself. The wedding is in CA and she is from WA, and she says her husband can’t afford to come out with her and their other daughter (who is four). She thought maybe her mom could come instead, but now says it’s just going to be her.
Here is some more context: since my wedding is in CA (and my family is from WA), I am only having my dad and sister there-both of which said they cannot watch the baby. My FI’s family will be busy setting up the wedding, and all other guests of mine who I’m close to are in the wedding. My bridesmaid asked me if I could find someone else there to watch the baby, but I honestly don’t feel comfortable asking anyone else to do so–esp. since our day-of plans are so hectic, and could change still. Plus, our guests are already flying a long way to be part of our special day–I can’t inconvenience them further by saying “hey, instead of spending the begining of the day sightseeing and relaxing, could you please watch a four month old?” I also worry that if something WERE to go wrong (someone cancelled on the last minute) the stress would do me in. Bottom line, I don’t have anyone to have her watch the baby, and she doesn’t know anyone else at the wedding that she could ask.
Our day-of schedule is pretty nuts-we are doing a lot of driving around and JUST have enough seats for the wedding party (barely), so bringing the baby is not an option. I feel awful, but I can’t see another way for this to work without her bringing someone to watch the baby (or hiring a babysitter in CA).
I am also a bit upset that she put me in this position–she didin’t even seem to think it was a big deal, she just texted me “Now it’s just me and the baby coming–can you think of anyone to watch her?” and didin’t text back when I responded, or call me back after I left a voicemail. Now I’m the one stressing about this, and it is making me sick.
What do I do? I know I need to be honest with her, but what are the options–she brings someone or doesn’t come? Or maybe she comes but as a guest instead of bridesmaid? Do I seriously have to “demote” her? We are 7 weeks out and this is just so stressful and frustrating!
Or…am I overreacting? Should I really just suck it up and have the baby with us the whole day? I need perspective, and suggestion. Please help!
Post # 3
For some additional context, she wasn’t even pregnant when I first asked her to be a bridesmaid, so it wasn’t like I even could have anticipated 🙁
Post # 4
I think you should tell her that you don’t know anyone who is able to watch the baby, and that if she plans on bringing her, she needs to figure out daycare plans herself. You have enough on your plate as a bride without worrying about childcare options for someone else’s child!! WHy can’t the baby stay with the husband as well? If she breastfeeds, she should be able to pump and freeze a bunch in preparation.
Post # 5
EDIT: I agree with PP. Its her responsibility. I dont know how she can think that it would be feasible for her to bring the baby and be in the wedding by herself.
Post # 6
Does the hotel have a babysitting servide they recommend? We’ve given that option to our guests.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
I would just ask around about baby-sitters or do a little research [like care.com], give her the options & then let her figure out what to do with her baby.
ETA: I say do the research because you probably know more people in CA that have there own baby-sitters they would reccomend versus her options in WA.
Post # 8
Isn’t there a college student or a teenager in the neighborhood who could watch the kid for a few hours where you live?
Post # 9
I think that the two of you need to talk about it. If she is breastfeeding it is fully possible that she has one of the lots of babies that absolutely refuses a bottle of breastmilk or formula, which would leave her with the only option of bringing her, which also means even if she does find a sitter for the day of, then said babysitter and baby will still have to tag along everywhere with you guys, so it might just be more feasible for all involved if she steps down and just attends the wedding as a guest.
Post # 10
First, take a deep breath. Having a baby there isn’t going to ruin your day. As a newlywed myself, I can honetsly say that on that day, you are in such a surreal state that the little things that you thought would be the end of the world end up either going unnoticed or unimportant.
I would not demote her. Especially this close to the wedding. The wedding is one day (a big day, yes), but you don’t want to ruin a lifetime friendship over it. Sure, she may have to spend a portion of the “getting ready” stage taking care of the baby and she may not be able to help with all of the running around before hand, but you can lean on your other bridesmaids/family.
Post # 11
Imo she should either come as a guest or get on sitter city and find a babysitter in ca. Even if its just a few hours during prep & ceremony. Don’t think this is anything to drive yourself crazy over. Just call her & tell her you don’t know anyone who could watch the baby. Give her some options & let her make a decision.
Post # 12
@ascampos1: Simply put, I’d demote her to just being a guest. I know it’s a headache, but I’d rather go through it now than on my wedding day; even if that means having an uneven mix of bridesmaids to groomsmen.
It was inconsiderate, inappropriate, and rude for her to ask you to help her find a babysitter for a child at such a delicate age.
Post # 13
I don’t think it is YOUR job to find her a babysitter. That being said, I doubt you are going to care come the day of about her bringing her baby along. Honestly, you’re going to be focused on so much more that day. It’s easy for us that plan to say something would bother us, but once the day comes it doesn’t matter.
I would say let he bring the baby along becuase perhaps she is breastfeeding, and the baby will need to eat. Even if she does find a sitter, they would still need to tag along anyhow. However, if that is the case it is still not your job to find a sitter for her or extra transportation ofr that sitter.
Post # 14
Wow, she is sounds really out of touch. This is your wedding, your special day! She needs to figure it out, bottom line. If it were me, I wouldn’t even want a 4 month old baby at my wedding (we had no children, not a big fan of them). I am sorry your are having to deal with this. She needs to find a solution (why can’t she leave the baby at home with the dad?) or she should just be a guest. On a side note, and this may be harsh, but if he they can’t even afford a plane ticket for her husband to come to the wedding, they have no buisness having two childen.
Post # 15
I partly agree with monet11, in that it is not worth losing a friend over, and it will be fine!
On the other hand, you need to tell her that its up to her to find someone to look after the baby, that’s not your problem! Especially as she’s not even being helpful and getting intouch.
Have an open and honest discussion with her, make sure she knows you’re not angry, you just can’t deal with this aswell, and see what happens.
Post # 16
Hi OP, I m sorry to hear that you are in this situation. Is your BM breastfeeding btw? Because your day sounds hectic, and i am not sure how it will work with the baby needing to be fed, changed and sleep. I know you have been trying to contact her unsuccessfully, but once she knows there isnt anyone available to watch the baby, I think she ll make arrangements. She might step down herself. I am godmother to a 3 month old, if I were the mother, no way I could do it all myself, and be a BM!
The bright side is, for your BM to travel with a four month old baby, she must treasure you. I wouldnt do it for anyone unless they were very important to me! Babies are stressful, and with 2 kids under 4, she probably has her hands full. It is also a pity her hubby and 4 year old cant come, but money issues cant be helped. I would feel bad demoting her, unless it was what she wanted.
Is craigslist or similar popular in your area? Or do you know any neighbor’s daughter/students etc? It might be worth asking around for a babysitter, they might even do it for a free meal and a low fee.
Best of luck!