Post # 1
I have 6 bridesmaids, 3 of them have children. one of my bridesmaids figures its acceptable to try and bring her 17 month old son to all the wedding related shopping trips. it is very hard to get anything done with a 17 month old in tow.
it all started when we went wedding dress shopping and I kindly told her that it would probably be a long day and its probably best to find a sitter. this may sound selfish and self centered, but I wanted her there to have her attention on me and help pick a dress not run after her 17 month old in a dress shop.
The I was telling the girls about how I have arranged for the hair and makeup to come to my home the morning of the wedding. all of us girls can relax and get pampered. she then proceeded to say that the kids can play in the basement as we are getting ready. so I spoke up and said no, I want a peaceful/stress free morning with just us girls and that all the rest of the girls were planning on getting baby sitters. I think she was very offended by it and said she can maybe line her husband up to watch there child.
Then just last night I texted her to say I had an appointment for bridesmaid dresses to make sure she can come and have lots of time to find a sitter. she brought up bringing her child again, and once again I had to tell her it would be to hard to bring him and that on saturday davids bridal is a zoo and it will be lucky if all 7 of us girls make it out in one piece.
she must think I’m a total bitch, I don’t have children yet and being around toddlers that run around and get into everything HIGHLY stress me out and annoy me. Is it sellfish of me to just want my girlfriends to enjoy this time with me sans children. they spent 99% of there time with there children… they need a break once in a while? don’t they?
Post # 3
It’s not selfish of you to want to create a stress-free atomosphere, but it is selfish of you to expect your bridesmaid to bear the cost of all those babysitters, and for you to decide for them that they should have a break from their kids. If you want to both keep the peace and control the atmosphere, arrange a babysitter for all the bridesmaids, and make it easy, convenient and affordable for them to drop their kids off all with the same carer. For example on your wedding day, you hire (and pay for) a babysitter for the day. Everyone comes to your house. Kids go in the basement with the sitter while the adults do their primping and pampering. Everyone’s happy.
Post # 4
I don’t necessarily think it’s selfish of you to want time with your adult girlfriends, but I do think it’s important to take her perspective into consideration. Everyone knows that there are certain costs attached to being a bridesmaid – buying the dress, etc. For women who have families, though, it’s important to keep in mind that it can be a double-whammy: the expenses impact the entire family’s budget, not just one person, and they often incur extra expenses for childcare on top of the usual costs for the dress, shoes, etc.
You might need to be a little flexible on this. Maybe you need to just be understanding if she has to bow out, and not get annoyed or offended that she can’t come to all the pre-wedding events. Maybe you can help her arrange a sitter so that she can be included in more of them? Do you have any teenage cousins, for instance, who you can enlist to babysit the bridesmaids’ kids on the morning of the wedding?
Post # 5
I don’t think you are being a bitch at all. She should be ok with leaving her child for a few hours while she goes with you to find a wedding gown, or find a bridesmaid dress. Her husband, parents, etc., should be ok watching the child while she goes out and does these things.
Post # 6
Is it sellfish of me to just want my girlfriends to enjoy this time with me sans children. they spent 99% of there time with there children… they need a break once in a while? don’t they?
Yes, it’s selfish of you. You don’t get to be the one who decides for them if they want to have time without their kids. I’m sorry if you get stressed out with a toddler being around but it isn’t up to you if she brings her child or not. You are assuming that this kid is going to create problems. What problems are you thinking? I’m sure the mother knows how to handle her son. Her attention does not need to be on your the entire time.
Sorry if that sounds mean but it’s true. She has every right to have her child around if she chooses to.
On the other hand, I totally get what you are staying about the morning of. The day should be about the wedding. Try and compromise with her. She can bring her kid on other stuff but you would like the morning of the wedding to just be you girls.
Post # 7
Why do you need so much attention? She can take care of her kid while your other FIVE bridesmaids are oohing and ahing… I think you are being unreasonable.
My maid of honor’s baby came with us to try on bridesmaid dresses. No big deal.
Post # 8
well in this situation, her husband is not working and would have plenty of time to watch his child but I don’t think he has spent a full day with him since he was born. so unless she leaves her son with her mother, she always has him. it would be vary easy for her husband to watch his son for a few hours the morning of the wedding. so the costs of child care are not a issuse.
Post # 9
Again, it’s not your place to say what is easy for her or her husband. It’s your place– not just as the hostess of all these side-events but also as a friend– to facilitate things, and help make things as easy as possible on everyone involved.
If you had a bridesmaid without a car, and you wanted to go shopping 40 miles away, you’d either offer her a ride or help her line up a ride with one of the other bridesmaids, especially if she didn’t know any of the other ‘maids.
If you had a bridesmaid with a dietary restriction, such as a bridesmaid who follows Kosher diet, you’d make sure that the restaurant you picked for lunch had a suitable menu.
A good hostess takes her guests’ needs into account and plans whatever she can to help make things run smoothly and happily. And when you invite people to all these outings and events, you’re effectively their hostess.
I’d also recommend you keep your outings to a minimum— when you mention that she wants to bring her son to “all the wedding-related shopping trips” it makes it sound like there are a lot of trips, and it shouldn’t be that way. If she— or any of your friends, really— volunteers to keep you company, that’s all fine and good, but it’s really not fair to command that much of someone else’s free time. Please do keep that in mind as you continue your planning.
Post # 10
@Dolcebabe: You really shouldn’t make assumptions like that -you don’t know the family dynamic from the inside, and even if you are right, it’s not up to you to decide how they work out their child care. You are better off asking your friend, “How can I make this easier for you?” than assuming “Now that I’ve told you ahead of time, it will be easy for you to line up a babysitter.”
Post # 11
@Dolcebabe: I think you’re fine for the morning of, but dress shopping, no.
Two of my BM have kids, and 1 other is pregnant (due 2 months before the wedding) One brought her daughter to the BM dress shopping and it was fine, when she went in to try on dresses, we watched her daughter (2 years old) and she added to the experience because she was able to say if mommy looked pretty or not. and kids are blunt.
Maybe take an anti anxiety pill before the shopping experience so that way you can be more relaxed around the kid. Remember that one day it may be you with the child and your friend is dictating to you what you have to do, and I’m sure if you’re upset over this, you’d be twice as upset when someone else tells you how to raise your kids (or that may be how you see it….)
Post # 12
You’re competing for attention with a 17 months old. Just think about it for a second.
The child or the mother (or both!) might have separation anxiety. That can be a big issue regardless of the costs of child care and her husband’s availability. Nobody can judge if “she should be ok to leave the kid for a few hours”. If she thinks she shouldn’t leave him it’s her decision. And your wedding prep is not a do or die proposition for BMs. None of our weddings are, really. Just try to slow down with the “me-me-me” thing, the kid is a human being and a huge part of your friend’s life, not an annoyance. If it’s too distracting and unbearable to you – discuss with her stepping down as BM. You can honor your friend in a different way in the wedding – like give her a reading during the ceremony or smth like that.
Post # 13
I think you’re being a little selfish. You have many other bridemaid’s to oogle over your dress and help you. You may think you know her situation with babysitting, but she obviously has a reason for bringing her little one.
Post # 14
Normally I’m in the camp of babysitters, but really aside from the wedding day (hence getting dressed that morning) it’s not your place to dicate babysitting that you aren’t paying for. I get that her husband doesn’t work but again, thats really none of your business. You have a bunch of other bridesmaids there, I don’t see what the issue is. And as PP poster stated, if you plan on having multiple shopping trips than I think perhaps to save yourself the stress, you should lower you expectations. maybe take smaller groups.
Post # 15
It isn’t your place to make demands of your bridesmaids. They are your friends, they are not your personal servants nor are they your slaves. You are completely entitled to want an “adult day out” with your friends. No one and their brother can deny you that. However, these people have progressed in their life. They have children now, and (unfortunately) children are not like dogs — you can’t just put them in a kennel and go out for the day. Well, I guess you could but it’d generally be frowned upon.
Why do you need so much attention on you, you, you? You have six bridesmaids. If one is not there, or brings a child, is the world going to end? Your bridesmaid should not have to shell out money for a babysitter or a daycare fee just so she can go pay attention to you playing dressup.
I am having four bridesmaids. Three of them have children (Two of which will be attending) and one of them is a child. I would never tell them that they had to change their lifestyle and pay even more money for something I want.
Planning a girl’s day out is one thing. Planning a day out so you can have all the attention is another. If you girls want to go see a movie or go to a bar, sure, having a baby sitter lined up is expected. Just so you can have six women’s undivided attention so you can play dress up is inconsiderate to your friends.
Post # 16
@Dolcebabe: I don’t think you’re being a bitch; I really really do not like children, at all, and feel stressed and panicky just at the THOUGHT of having a 17 month old at dress fittings/the morning of the wedding.
However, this is perhaps something you should have made clear at the start. I let all my bridesmaids know from the off what I expected of them (in my case: to come along with me to get their dresses, and to turn up on the day looking pretty), and if any of them had children, I would have tactfully said that they’d need to be sans kids on those occasions.
In your case, I would probably try to find some middle-ground, and perhaps either let her off attending certain pre-wedding events that she doesn’t HAVE to attend (eg she obviously needs to attend any appointments that involve her dress), or allow her to bring her child. When it comes to the morning of the wedding, this is not something I personally would back down on in that I absolutely would NOT let her bring her child, because it would stress me out, and the last thing I need to be feeling on the morning of my wedding is unnecessarily stressed and frazzled. However, I would let her get ready at home, and meet me at the venue before the ceremony, and wouldn’t insist that she come to my place sans child to get ready.