Post # 1
I was hoping some of you lovely ladies might be able to give me a bit of perspective on a situation I have with my bridesmaid. I’m feeling quite let down but perhaps I’m overreacting.
Long story short – I have one bridesmaid for my wedding in January 2013. I asked her to be my Bridesmaid or Best Man as soon as I got engaged last December and she agreed. I only just locked in the date for the wedding (the 3rd Jan) a week ago. The reason I picked that date was that my FI’s parents from Germany would be able to come over during their Christmas holidays and it’s important for us to have them there. Orginally, when we thought FI’s parents couldn’t make it and were planning to get married in early December. We can’t get married before that because my Fiance and my Dad will be overseas. We can’t get married in late December because my Bridesmaid or Best Man is moving house.
The problem is that my Bridesmaid or Best Man and her partner are planning to go overseas indefinitely. My Bridesmaid or Best Man told me months ago they would be leaving in the new year, so I’ve tried hard to plan around that. After telling her that I was thinking of having the wedding on the 3rd of Jan she then told me that her and her partner had wanted to leave the country in the last few days of December and therefore, while she would like to be at the wedding, she can’t promise to be there.
Now, I know for a fact that they haven’t booked flights yet and that they don’t have to be in Europe by a certain date. They’re going for a holiday so the exact day they arrive shouldn’t matter, however my Bridesmaid or Best Man said that if flights were cheaper on the 31st of Dec than the 4th of Jan, they would take the earlier flights. I know I don’t have the right to tell people what to do, but I feel that as they haven’t made any concrete plans yet, it shouldn’t be shouldn’t really put them out to be there on the 3rd for my wedding. After all, it’s only 3 days into the new year and she is my bridesmaid. I haven’t mentioned this this her, I just told her that having her there is very important to me and I hope she can make it.
What do you think Bees – Am I right to feel disappointed that my Bridesmaid or Best Man won’t promise to be at my wedding? Or am I overreacting? Any comments would be greatly appreciated
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
@Claire7137: I don’t think you’re overreacting, she sounds a bit self centered. My bridesmaid is flying from LA and we have a groomsman flying from Seattle just to attend the wedding. If it’s so important to you that she be there, you could always offer to reimburse her for the difference in cost of the tickets, but honestly, I don’t know if I would want to be friends with someone who was so inflexible and inconsiderate.
I do think that this situation is a perfect illustration of why I don’t really think you should ask friends to be in your bridal party before you pick a date unless you know they will move heaven and earth to be there. It gets awkward when you set a date and they no longer want to or are able to attend.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2013 - Kempinski San Lawrenz, Gozo
@Claire7137: I’m afraid I’m going to be brutally honest here.
I don’t think you should be interfering in your BM’s life plans. It’s really none of your business whether they’ve booked their tickets yet, and she doesn’t have to justify booking her tickets at the time of your wedding.
The way I see it, the wedding is YOUR big thing, and going overseas is HERS. Whilst you freely chose your wedding date to your liking, your Bridesmaid or Best Man and her partner chose their dates to go overseas, and if would be unfair to expect her to change these plans just to be there on your wedding day.
It should be completely up to her whether she wants to postpone her plans for your or not.
Your only concern is whether she will be available on your wedding day or not – if push comes to shove, you just find a replacement.
Post # 5
@Claire7137: Normally I take the line “no one cares about your wedding as much as you” and “No one should put their life on hold for your wedding”. But when it’s just a matter of a few days, and she’s not doing anything important in those days (i.e. she might leave on the earlier day because it’s cheaper), then yeah, it must sting a bit that she’d miss your wedding just to save money.
I guess it depends how much money: it seems crass to put a price on it, but I think you’d agree that to save $1000 it’s fair enough to miss your wedding, while for $20 it’s selfish of her to miss your wedding.
When all’s said and done, it’s her choice. So you can be hurt a bit, but that’s all. However I would politely inform her that she can’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man if she can’t guarantee to be there.
Post # 6
@paula1248: I guess it depends how much money: it seems crass to put a price on it, but I think you’d agree that to save $1000 it’s fair enough to miss your wedding, while for $20 it’s selfish of her to miss your wedding.
I agree with this. I don’t think you’re wrong to be a bit hurt, but overseas plane tickets can be REALLY expensive, so yeah if she’s saving a significant amount of change like 1k, then sorry but I can see why she’d have to miss your wedding. But you can’t really ask her how much money it’s saving her either, because that comes across as kind of judgy. It’s okay to be disappointed and a bit hurt over it, but then I’d try to move past it. I hope that something works out with the flight prices and she is able to make it!
Post # 7
Thanks for your thoughts ladies (and your brutal honesty!). It’s good to get some outside perspective.
I’m still disappointed and I do wish that being a part of my wedding were higher up on her priority list, but I think you’re right: of course it’s up to her to make her own plans; I can’t change her priorities, nor would it be fair of me to try. That’s why I haven’t said anything to her yet except that I hope she will decide to come. Nor should I expect her to pay for a much more expensive flight just to be there for me (if it comes to that).
Post # 8
@Adams_bee: my thoughts exactly.
@Claire7137: unfortunately, this is her life. i know it’s only a few days but it really could save her thousands of dollars. i would suggest giving her a deadline to tell you if she’s in or out or to make it easier for all, why not just suggest that she be invited as a guest and if she can make it, great. this would alleviate any pressure or stress from both sides.
Post # 9
Hi @Claire7137: I tend to agree with @Adams_bee: when she said your wedding was your big thing and hers is the moving overeas.
I have moved overseas and it is a big deal. A very big deal. I would even say that the price of the ticket isnt even the biggest matter. Moving overseas is stressful, exciting and completely life altering. (it’s not like moving to New jersey. This is a real logistical and emotional challenge!)
As wonderful as a wedding can be and as much as she might want to be there for you I can completely relate to her wanting to protect that time space around her move and do things the way they feel right for her without having to commit to her (albeit good) friend’s wedding and the obligations and responsibilites that would take place around it. How would you feel if she did plan around your wedding, could not keep up with her obligations, was maybe overwelmed and was perhaps resentful and passively agressive because she planned around something that turns out was unrealistic for her? I personally think she is doing the (perhaps unpopular) but responsible thing.
Even if she is leaving it open and decides to leave before your wedding: she’s excited to begin her adventure just like you are eager to have your wedding. Show understanding.
I don’t think you are being a selfish person for being disappointed, just a friend who wants her friend to be there with her on her wedding day. But I suggest you swallow that disappointment, don’t make her feel like she has to justify herself and maybe there are ways you can share your wedding planning with her whether she is a Bridesmaid or Best Man or not. That way you both can be there with each other for both your “big steps” before she is gone and have a relaxed and enjoyable friendship. Enjoy!
Post # 10
It sounds like she and her partner started planning her trip to Europe when your wedding was in early Dec, so she was fine with that. Now you are moving the date to after she needs to be out of her present house. She and her partner may find staying an extra week without a home to be too much.
it also sounds like this is a tentative date. She needs to make solid plans. If you have a solid date she can decide if she wants to sacrifice to make it.
Post # 11
@Claire7137: I don’t think it’s selfish to be disappointed your friend can’t commit. I mean, who wouldn’t be disappointed if one of their best friends couldn’t make their wedding?
However, moving overseas is a huge deal and maybe they need every $20 they can get (though just knowing how much the cost of domestic flights changes, I wouldn’t be surprised if it were hundreds of dollars for international flights). It would be unfair of you to expect her to put her life on hold for your wedding. You picked your wedding date based on what’s best for you and she picked her travel date that is best for her.
I would ask her to keep you updated and hopefully it works out that she can stay.
Post # 12
When you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and did not have a set wedding date that was the first problem. Even for someone whose wedding you want to go to- how can you commit if you don’t know when it is exactly? I would hope she would try to be flexible to attend your wedding, but if it is a difference of thousands of dollars- i can see why she might not be able to.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Claire7137: Meh. I wouldn’t spend a lot of time on this. I think her reaction that she won’t be able to attend because they will be in Europe would be my final answer and I would be looking for another bridesmaid. Regardless of whether she has purchased tickets yet or not, she has told you that her trip is more important than your friendship. If that is not cool with you and it sounds like it isn’t, then cut her loose. It sounds like she isn’t that excited about being your bridesmaid.
Post # 14
If its really bothering you and you don’t see her changing plans maybe she isn’t the best person to have as a bridesmaid? I understand that you want your wedding to be important to her but it sounds like she’s got her own thing going on. Or just don’t plan anything super important on her so it doesn’t matter if she ends up unable to be there.
Post # 15
It depends just how much she will save. Overseas travel is expensive, and it can change drastically in just a matter of days or even hours. I’ve noticed that tickets purchased before the new year can be hundreds of dollars cheaper than January 1st since there is an influx in holiday travel. To give you an example my SO and I recently traveled from the US to Europe. A ticket for the last week
Post # 16
It depends just how much she will save. Overseas travel is expensive, and it can change drastically in just a matter of days or even hours. I’ve noticed that tickets purchased before the new year can be hundreds of dollars cheaper than January 1st since there is an influx in holiday travel. To give you an example my SO and I recently traveled from the US to Europe. A ticket for the last week of May was about $300 cheaper than the first week of June. The May ticket would have been about $1,500, but instead we went in March and it was only $900.
obviously you really want your Bridesmaid or Best Man there as that is important to you. I would let her know that it is special for you especially because it may be one of the last times you will see her for quite a while, so it would be cool for that last time to be at your wedding. Maybe also share with her some advice about scoring a cheaper ticket no matter when the flight will be. Shop Tuesdays and Wednesdays rather than the end of the week as tickets tend to be on sale earlier in the week no matter when they are being purchased.