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Normally, with advice on bridesmaids, I usually say "it's not you, just talk to them and see what's going on with their lives, and 95% of the time they are having issues that have nothing to do with you or your wedding". Unfortunately, I think you are in that slim 5% where it sounds like she DOES have issues related to you and your wedding. Has she ever expressed disapproval of you? Did she act differently before you and FI got engaged?
If you decide to keep her as a BM, in order to make things work, you'll have to set your expectations and be very clear on what you need her to do. I would maybe have a conversation, first ask if everything is okay, and then let her know that you need her support. For example, if you suggest a dress and she doesn't like it, then she should send you a few more options of dresses she DOES like! Let her know that her opinion is valued, and usually 3 heads is better than 1. As her for inspiration and ideas.
I would NOT un-ask her to be a bridesmaid, however. I think that would create a huge rift in the family and add more problems to your life. Because your wedding is a day, but family is forever. You might need to sit her down, have a heart-to-heart and let her know that her negative comments and inability to talk about your wedding hurt your feelings. She can't disagree with you if you are simply telling her how you feel; your feelings are your feelings. Hopefully you can work it out, and please know you are NOT the only one with BM issues!! Most of us (myself included) have been through it, and most girls don't realize how they are acting until you point it out to them. Good luck, and hopefully it works out!! :)
I would talk to her about the issues I am having with her and basically let her know if she continues her behavior she is out of the wedding party because it is not fair the way she is acting. I am not one to let people get away with crap like that.
If you think it will be helpful to talk with her, you should try to at least smooth things a little. I agree with @alundberg, though, that this sounds like one of those situations where talking with her might not work and might actually make things worse.
I don't really have any advice other than to suggest that you shouldn't let her ruin your wedding. Don't give her that much power. She is being a jerk now, as she has been in the past. That won't change regardless of whether she is a bridesmaid or whether you talk with her about her behavior.
Go ahead an plan your wedding. Use your other bridesmaids to help you. Perhaps they can even run interference between you and SIL!
So sorry you have to deal with this. Crappy people are tough in general, and it's so much worse when it's family. Good luck!
Don't let her ruin your day! My stepsister and stepmom had a real case of "this day is not about me?" on my wedding day. Reason #473.9 why she wasn't a bridesmaid! I got really mad, but my bridesmaids & wedding coordinator rocked the house and kept me away from them.
I agree with the first poster completely. Just sit down and talk to her, and if she doesn't want to be a part of things, she doesn't have to. Then it would stop making you miserable and you can move on, and she can too. Your day can still be great, you just have to decide whether or not she is going to be included in all of the festivities. I wouldn't uninvite her as a bridesmaid, but that really is a spot that you have to earn, in my opinion.
Thanks ladies! She and I sat down to talk and worked things out.
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I asked my SIL to be a BM because I wanted her to feel included in my life, and because I was one in her wedding and I thought it would hurt her feelings if I didn't ask her. However, I have come to majorly regret asking her. Ever since I've asked, she's been down right unpleasant or refuses to participate in any wedding talk. And it's not like I'm making constant chit-chat about my wedding either; I only talk about it in emails (three total in 6 months) asking them what they think of a particular bridesmaids dress so I can make sure they are comfortable with what they wear (and because she's made remarks like "if you make us wear short dresses, I'm wearing black tights" or "You're the bride, so we'll wear whatever makes you happy. However, I refuse to wear anything remotely tight, revealing, or above the calf"). When I do send dresses for approval, I either get no response at all (not mad, I know she's busy) or a snotty one.
Recently she, my brother, their kids and her parents came down to visit and she was terribly rude the entire time. Anytime someone brought up my wedding she would interrupt to mention how she hopes to be a size 4 by then. My mom was upset by this because I've been struggling with my weight and am hoping to have lost 70lbs by the wedding (30 down, 40 to go!) so it's a hurtful comment. She also seems to have a problem with letting me have any attention at all; if someone asked me a question about non-wedding stuff, she would again interrupt or find some way to make it about her. To tell you the truth, she's kind of a jerk in general; she and her dad constantly put my brother down while they were here, and she would throw a tantrum if my brother didn't go to bed/wake up by a certain time or if hung out with me at all because it's "her vacation time," not his.
I honestly cannot take her any more. I'm extremely busy and stressed (full time college student, two jobs, just bought my first house, planning a wedding...) and I hate how frustrated/angry/petty I feel about this whole situation. It's honestly making me dread the wedding as I know I'm going to have to deal with her drama the day of.
I have no idea what to do at this point. Am I overreacting? Do I have a right to be kind of angry about the situation? What should I do? Any advice is extremely appreciated as I just feel emotionally bankrupt about this. I don't want to dread my wedding day just because one person seems unhappy that I'm happy.