Post # 1
First of all, this is my very first post and I came over to WeddingBee from The Knot because the people over there were just so rude and someone told me you all would be nicer! I posted this over there and they came at me like vultures saying I need to grow up and that I shouldn’t have helped plan my own b-party..yadda yadda. I understand that, really. So here goes.
My wedding is July 26 and things are turning into a catastrophe!! I will start with the bridesmaids… So my sister(MOH) and I planned a sort of “destination” bachelorette party.. us girls planned to go to Minneapolis and the guys would go to Kansas City. We live in Iowa, so the drive was about 5 hours each way. No big deal! The stay for the weekend in a huge rented house for us girls was $80 a person and then we planned to cook our own food and mainly relax. Not cheap, but not a giant expense either. So we invited all of my girls, KNOWING that not everyone would be able to come due to work and money. We also invited a few other girls that aren’t a part of the party. The girls that said they could come were supposed to pay up front, because that’s how the booking works. We told them clearly that it was non refundable because we had to pay to book early, so they need to be sure that they could come! A week before, three girls still hadn’t paid. One girl (who did pay) decided she could not afford it and that she wanted her money back. I told her I was sorry but it wasn’t refundable and she proceeded to yell at me about how her bills and child are more important than my party (obviously). I’m still thinking about just giving her money back, but I just can’t see how I can afford it as I had to take the wrap for the other girls that said they were coming, but decided not to.
So the day came and we left on a Friday. Two girls were supposed to come down Sat am..no shows. One said she was sick, the other said she was on her way and then when she was almost there had to “turn around and couldn’t make it” for unknown reasons.. (She probably never left in the first place). Still, not a big deal if she couldn’t come, but so sketchy. So I was left with just three other girls out of 7 and even though we had a blast, I was very disappointed that the others didn’t come.
The same girl that had to “turn around” asked me a few months ago if she could throw me a bridal shower. I said of course and got her a guest list with addresses, but she hasn’t sent out invites and the party is June 29th! I am NOT greedy, but I have family members asking me when my shower is and if no one is hosting they would like to. I’m really bad with confrontation so I feel bad saying something even though it’s her fault! What do I do??! My MOH is my amazing sister, but she is super broke and hasn’t done a whole lot either. 🙁 I UNDERSTAND that these girls have no obligations to do things for me and that’s not what I’m trying to get at whatsoever.
Now for my FI’s side… They planned the same trip to KC and got more guys to attend. However, his BEST friend growing up told him he would be coming, but when the day came he was nowhere to be found and didn’t answer any calls or texts! I feel sooo bad for my hunny. Once again, he was not upset that he couldn’t make it, but the fact that he flat out ignored him the entire weekend. Another good friend decided last minute he couldn’t come because of work but was all over Facebook the whole weekend partying. And then to top it all off, his best man left all the guys downtown Kansas City with dead phones and no car in the middle of the night to go screw some random chick. They were lost and had to wait two hours and pay $80 for a cab back to the house!! They got back and left him there and drove home. Yes, the best man is single and he can do as he pleases, but FI is upset because he just wanted to share the experience with him and he doesn’t think that a good friend would do that.. I am also very close with the best man and now my FI is talking about kicking him out (and the others) and it really bothers me. He thinks that the people standing next to us should be great friends no matter what and if they aren’t, they don’t deserve it. I’m a very forgiving person and just want this all to go away! And I certainly don’t want to change up the party arrangements this late in the game! I just don’t know what to do! Please give me some advice!! Thanks!
This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by bethanyyf.
This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by bethanyyf.
Post # 2
Sorry, but I’m not really clear what it is that you need help with. Is it that you want advice about kicking the best man out of the bridal party because he wasn’t as supportive as FI would like at the bachelor party?
Post # 3
I am also confused as to what exactly about the wedding is turning into a catastrophe. The bachelor/ette parties didn’t go as planned, but other than potentially replacing the best man very late in the game, what is your concern about the wedding itself?
Not trying to be difficult, just trying to better understand what the issues are to be able to provide some support.
Post # 4
My advice: on the bridesmaid planning to throw the shower, introduce her to one or more of these generous family members who are offering to throw a shower, ask them to work together, and let them run with it. It sounds like she has good intentions but she’s flighty, so having someone more focused can help her stay on track without being confrontational.
On the rest of it… let it go. The description of the bachelor/bachelorette party situation reminds me of why I don’t like to plan travel for groups: it’s just too hard to actually make things happen for more than 3 people when there is money and time involved. Take it as a learning experience: unless you’re willing to foot the entire bill, don’t make plans that involve spending money, because someone wlll change their mind, get sick, forget to ask for time off from work, whatever, and you’ll be stuck with the bill. No matter what your plan is, someone will wander off. It’s just the nature of group travel and it’s pointless to take it personally or hold on to the anger. Your fi has unrealistic expectations as well– yes it is a dick move for the best man to leave the rest of the group to hook up with some random chick and leave everyone stranded, but it’s also completely predictable, and just another part of why traveling with a group is a giant pain in the butt.
Post # 5
OH DEAR! I left stuff out.
FI has been having issues with the best man for quite some time, just here and there. He’s seriously doubting him as a friend. FI is SO stubborn when I comes to stuff like this, so I’m trying to talk him out of kicking everyone out. He even asked me if I’d cut a few people! Like WHAT? haha.
Post # 6
Happy2bMrs: I’m sorry, I’d like advice on how to talk him out of kicking everyone out. He’s soo stubborn! The best man is too! How do I get them to rekindle?
Post # 7
I would just stay out of it, honestly. It’s their relationship, and if you’ve voiced your concern about what kicking him out of the wedding will do to it long-term, then there’s not much else you can do. I’m assuming they are both grown, adult men? Kicking him out of a wedding is pretty drastic. Why would you need to cut people?
A wedding is the most important thing going on in your life, but it’s not the most important thing to everyone else. Sounds like your friends have other stuff going on, maybe you need to lower your expectations a bit.
Post # 8
bethanyyf: I agree with a PP. Let your FI handle his situation with his BM. If you’ve already stated your opinion that’s all that you can do. You guys need to have some honest talks via phone or in person with your wedding party and find out what is going on.
And if it were me, I’d just give the money back to my bridal party, especially if you do want them to stay and not create any bad blood between you guys. As for the BM? If he truly did leave to go have some fun with a chick when it seems as thought he was the driver, I wouldn’t want him in the party either, so I don’t really blame your FI.
Post # 9
I would suggest (and maybe you’ve already done this) that you have a heart to heart with your FI to try to get to the bottom of what he’s feeling about this guy. Maybe he’s really hurt by this “friend’s” actions and feels like having him stand up on the wedding day will be more of a charade than a meaningful act. Or maybe he’s sensitive and is taking the guy’s actions personally, when really, he just acted like an idiot at a bachelor party. Either way, hear him out and if you think the concerns are significant enough, suggest he have a talk with the guy to find out what’s going on.
Removing someone from the wedding party is a big deal, and it’s a serious decision not to be taken lightly. I would think this would warrant a conversation with the best man to figure out what’s going on before any decisions are made. Maybe this is a misunderstanding and they can resolve it. If each of them values the friendship, they will do what it takes to mend things.
Talk to FI to get to the bottom of it and maybe gently suggest he meet up with the other guy one on one to have a chat about what’s been going on. Sometimes a lot can be cleared up with a good heart to heart!
Post # 10
bethanyyf: First off – welcome! I think you’ll find a lot of great feedback here – both positive and negative.
Second – I totally sympathize with your Bachelorette/Bachelor party experiences. It sounds like you wanted to do something totally fun while not too over the top and neither yours nor your FI’s expectations were met. I get that we’re supposed to expect nothing of our bridal parties except to stand up for us mostly sober at our weddings. However, these are also supposed to be our closest friends and family and this is supposed to be one of the happiest times in your life. Sometimes our expectations just get too lofty and it’s hard to keep them in check.
I can tell you that the most stressful parts of wedding planning for me have been the things that other people are planning – bridal showers, bachelorette parties and the rehearsal dinner. I get no say in any of it and the control freak in me is a bit stressed. That being said – there are also some benefits to not planning something and clearly you learned this the hard way through your bachelorette party.
Finally – advice for going forward. I suggest that you do just that – go forward. Your friends let you down – yes – but I’m pretty sure they didn’t let you so far down that you don’t want to be friends with them anymore. Kicking someone out of your bridal party is pretty much a friendship ending move and it is quite serious. Explain that to your FI and then support whatever decision he makes for himself and request that he support whatever decision you make for yourself. If he really feels like his friendship is over with his Best Man, he should make one last effort to reach out to him for a heart-to-heart and if they still aren’t able to see eye to eye then perhaps parting ways now is best for both of them. I think that his Best Man’s actions at the Bachelor Party alone aren’t enough to end a friendship over – but only your FI knows whether his relationship was already on the rocks enough for that to be the last straw.
Also I second setting your friend who offered to throw a bridal shower up with the family member who wants to do one. They’ll make one another’s jobs easier.