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I voted for:
- support me through planning
- support me at the wedding
- be in my pictures
- buy their dress
- buy their shoes
- pay for hotel/transportation
That's what I'm asking for - but I know this will vary from bride to bride. I don't really expect them to attend my parties, etc. but it would be nice if they tried..
I made my girls buy their own shoes, dress and jewelry and didn't pay for their hair and make up, but I also told them I didn't care what shoes or jewelry they wore and didn't have any requirements for hair and makeup. In fact, one bridesmaid wasn't going to wear makeup but my MUA wouldn't stand for it and did hers for free. :)
I voted for all of them except
I voted for:
Support me at the wedding
Be in my pictures
Bustle my gown
Even though I suspect my mother will be the one helping me with my bustle ;-) I am really hoping some of the girls will make either the bachelorette or the shower, but I know that travel and time can be difficult to arrange. All my ladies are gorgeous so they darn well better be in my pictures! Several will have to pay for travel, but housing will be free since we have family and friends with extra beds to crash on (thank goodness).
I picked "little black dress of your choosing" since I know almost everyone already has something suitable, so "buy your dress" needn't be an obstacle to participation.
I agree with the very first comment--your wedding party is NOT obligated to do anything other than show up to the wedding, stand next to you and be in a few pictures. It is implied by the honor of asking that they will stand by you in life and support the planning. I did ask my girls to buy their dresses ($115) but I bought their shoes and jewelry. One of 3 bridesmaids came to my shower the other 2 had conflicts and that's ok. It also may be implied that if they have to travel for the wedding their accomodations are on their own unless you specify otherwise (and you should let them know that up front incase they really can't afford it--wedding costs add up for guests too!)
I didn't vote for the transportation one, but I do expect them to pay for their own gas to get here. We all have family here, though, so no one will have a hotel and everyone is within a 3 hour drive tops.
I wouldn't require my BM's presence at my shower/bachelorette, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I would be incredibly hurt and disappointed. They're on the same weekend, and again, everyone is pretty local.
Would anyone not expect their BMs to be in their photos? That seems like a bit of an odd question to me.
I definitely think that support through the planning process, support on the day of the wedding and be in the pictures are the major requirements. While I also think the bms should expect to pay for their own shoes, dress, make-up, hotel room and transportation, if any of my bridesmaids had come to me with money concerns I would have gladly helped them out. I think I did enough by letting them know that they could do thier own hair and make-up if they wanted, grab any black dress that they had in their closet and wear whatever shoes they wanted and I'd be happy. I housed them in my home for at least one of the nights that they were in town so that they didn't have to pay for the cost of the hotel for more than two nights. I tried asking the bare minimum, insisted on not having a bridal shower and organized my bachlorette party to be a joint one with my hubs and didn't require anyone to go, only people who could swing it. I firmly believe that a wedding should not be a financial burden on anyone but the bride and groom and they can decide how much they want to take on.
Who would "require" their friends and loved ones to do anything? It's nice enough that they'll agree to be in the wedding. Everything else is a bonus.
@Beluga: agreed!
The only things my girls have to do is figure out what they're gonna wear (costume, shoes, accessories), do their own hair and makeup, and get there. Oh, and be in photos. 'cause I totally gotta have pics of my girls. Same for the guys.
everything else? it's a bonus. though, pretty sure they'd come since it'd be a jack & jill thing (unless they kidnap me for a night out... lol).
Honestly, the only thing I care about is having my best friends stand next to me as I get married and start a new chapter in my life. Everything else the can do and/or choose to do is just icing on the cake.
I don't think they're really required to do anything except show up, wear something that covers their naughty bits, and be in a few pictures. That's basically what they agreed to when tey said they'd be bridesmaids.
I'm asking them to pay for their own dresses, shoes, jewelry, etc, but I also don't have very strict requirements. Basically, any green dress, plus shoes and jewelry they already own if they want. They don't have to come to my bachelorette party (in fact, I know some won't because they live far away) and I'm not having a bridal shower.
They do have to "support me in the planning process" in that I occasionally send out emails that read something like "omg we need to find dresses. dude, i don't think i'm going to have any centerpieces. open bar YAYES." though they are free to delete them.
though, funny story, we also sent out about 45 reply-alls on the bridesmaid list before realizing that the fifth email address which was being suspiciously quiet was not in fact my fiance's sister, but some random dude from Cornell whose email we had added by accident. so I guess EVERYONE including people I've never met before are required to support me in my wedding planning process.
I also voted for all of them except: attend every single event related to my wedding! and do anything and everything I ask of her, without complaint and regardless of cost!
ETA: I had a much longer explanation here, but for some reason it didn't post?? The gist of it was that if we all had BMs who didn't buy their dress or shoes, didn't show up to any pre-wedding events, didn't support us at all during the planning process or on the day of the actual wedding, and only showed up the day of to stand there and take a few pictures, the boards would be even more overloaded with BM complaints than they already are.
I agree 100% that BMs should be thanked for everything they do as part of the planning process. I thank mine all the time for the help they provide and have presents all waiting for them to receive. BUT that doesn't mean I don't have expectations for them. They might not have signed a contract, but at least everyone I asked was aware of the typical roles of the BMs and understood in accepting that position, there would be requirements.
I chose pay for dress, shoes, hair, transportation and support.
When I say pay for hair/makeup that is if they want to and they opt not to do their own. Shoes, if they don't have any that they can't wear already that aren't the color we are using. Transportation is just a given almost. Support, just means lend a listening ear or being the friend that they are. They don't have to show up for anything but the wedding. Hopefully, they will be at the rehersal, if they can.
i also selected, be in photos.
@napabridekelsey: I voted for the same (support planning and wedding, pay for dress, shoes, hotel, be in pictures, bustle dress)
The only other expectation I have that is NOT listed is I expect them to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, but that is almost a given.
My in-town bridesmaids I hope to attend my shower/bachelorette, but the out of town girls I told them flat out they don't have to.
Somehow I just *knew* that it would be mostly the modern and sensible brides who'd reply here :D
Many of you said that you asked your ladies to pay for their own dresses, but had very minimal requirements such as "little black dress" or "green" -- I think that's absolutely, %100 reasonable. My issue is more with those who demand THIS dress in THIS color from THIS shop at THIS price, no exceptions. I just don't understand how this is an acceptable practice.
For those who said you had certain typical role requirements: what is "typical" for you? And does it mesh with what your bridesmaid thinks is "typical"? You know what they say about people who assume... I can well imagine that this kind of miscommunication causes confusion at best and grudges at worst.
@BostonBaby: Absolutely what I thought was 'typical' meshed with what my bridesmaids thought was typical. Everyone BM I have has been a BM before, with the exception of my 15 year old FSIL, whose dress and shoes I bought for her, and who I haven't expected to fulfil the roles mentioned above. My sister is getting married just before I am and everything I expected of my BMs is what she expected of us.
These women I have chosen are my sisters and closest girlfrinds. How could I not expect them to support me when I'm going through one of the biggest changes in my life? And what kind of friend/sister would I be if I didn't support them? I'm not demanding someone get their hair done or makeup, but certainly if they want to, that should be on the to pay.
Required:
buy dress (I took over $50 of each dress because it was a bit expensive)
buy shoes (they can wear ones they already own but I'm not buying them shoes- basically)
pay for their hair (I got them a mad discount though)
look pretty (this is easy- they are pretty all the time)
be there on the day of/pictures
Things they ARE doing and I would be a little sad if they weren't:
plan and attend shower (my mom is taking most of the cost because they can't afford a nice one and she wants to make sure my shower is nice)
plan and attend bachelorette party (I'm paying my own way though- weekend in Vegas)
MOH comes with me for fittings and buying lipstick and hair trials and flower consultations all that jazz but mostly because she's much more outspoken than I am and knows my vision better than I do.. she loves it, its not really a TASK for her
I think I'm being reasonable. I'm buying them nice gifts and I'll do the same things for them when their day comes. I think it depends on the friendships for what you expect out of these people. I am incredibly close with my BM's so they don't mind doing any of it
honestly if I were to have a bridal party (which I am not having) I would expect them to show up for everything they were invited to. If they dont come for showers, dress shopping etc then whats the point of them even being part of the wedding? They aren't guests they are part of the wedding and should act like it, and when you agree to be part of a bridal party you agree to commit more then 1 day.
But I also feel the bride should pay for their attire if she wants to dictate how they should look otherwise just give them guidelines and let them do their own thing (like saying color; black, hair down etc)
@BostonBaby: I've been in three weddings before mine, and I've always been asked to buy a certain dress in a certain color to go with the bride's vision. I've never had a problem with it. I think it's a pay-it-forward thing. Yes, I'll wear this lavendar dress if you'll wear a light blue dress to my wedding. I wouldn't ask random strangers to dress a certain way, but I'm close to my BMs and I don't feel bad asking them to do it.
My votes:
- support me at the wedding
- be in my pictures
- pay for their dress
- pay for their shoes (I'm not requiring a specific shoe.. just the color gray or silver, it can be a flip flop for all I care)
- pay for jewelry/hair/make-up (if they want to wear jewelry they can, but I'm not buying it and I'm not requiring it... same goes for hair & make-up. They can do it however they want, but if they want it to be professional they can pay for it.. I'm not for matchy matchy everything for BMs)
- pay for hotel and transportation (we bought a plane ticket for my MOH because she is broke, but everyone else will be driving 2-4 hours... most will be carpooling. We have them a discount on the hotel which will end up costing them $32 total)
I don't see why a bridesmaid wouldn't come to the shower/bachelorette parties, unless there was a valid reason like the expense of travel, a death, they have babies, etc...
@BostonBaby: I don't think its at all unreasonable to ask them to all wear the same dress. In weddings for the past however many years (I don't know, but a long time) it has been known (at least where I'm from) that if you are a bridesmaid, you buy a certain dress and match the other ones.. just like groomsmen rent tuxes or buy suits. I don't understand when this became unreasonable. Yes, dictating a dress that everyone hates that costs $200+ IS unreasonable. But if everyone agrees on a dress and don't object to the price, how is that unreasonable?
As a future bride, and a bridesmaid (x 3) for other weddings, I have jumped into this dress debate headfirst. One bride is picking color/style for each girl and we are paying. Another told me she absolutely didnt care and I could wear whatever color/style I wanted, I will be paying.
For my wedding I have decided they can pick any style top they want, but I would like a full length skirt (October wedding), and a specific color. They will buy their own dresses and shoes. Hair and makeup will be provided (My mom is a hairstylist, and my cousin a makeup artist- I got really lucky), and I will provide transport.
@kingytobe: Sorry for the delayed response! Frankly, "because it's always been done that way" isn't a reason to continue doing something if it's ridiculous. Weddings have evolved into personal, intimate (regardless of guest count), and enjoyabel affairs that no longer place incredibly high demands on guests. With the hundreds of retailers who make beautiful, wearable bridesmaid dresses, why put everyone in the same awful blue taffeta?! I think it's absolutely unreasonable and I'm extremely happy that this practice is falling by the wayside. I did not agree to the price, color, or style of the dress I'm required to wear in a wedding this summer, and I definitely resent the fact.
I think that the bridesmaids have the option to turn down the offer and not be in the wedding but if you do decide to be a bridesmaid you should be respectful of the bride and realize that it's HER day not yours. If you resent the dress/price/style and are so unhappy being a bridesmaid then why did you accept the offer? Most girls accept the offer of being a bridesmaid knowing what she's getting into. I'm all for the more modern approach where the girls can pick their own dresses, ect. but some brides what their wedding to be more traditional and usually if your being asked to be a bridesmaid you know that girl well enough to know what she's probably going to do anyway and have still accepted the offer. As far as bachelorette and bridal shower why wouldn't you want to be there?!? This is one of your close friends getting married and when it's your turn i'm sure your going to want her to be there for you. I'm honestly a little disturbed and very glad I have the friends that I do!!
I think that the bridesmaids have the option to turn down the offer and not be in the wedding but if you do decide to be a bridesmaid you should be respectful of the bride and realize that it's HER day not yours. If you resent the dress/price/style and are so unhappy being a bridesmaid then why did you accept the offer? Most girls accept the offer of being a bridesmaid knowing what she's getting into. I'm all for the more modern approach where the girls can pick their own dresses, ect. but some brides what their wedding to be more traditional and usually if your being asked to be a bridesmaid you know that girl well enough to know what she's probably going to do anyway and have still accepted the offer. As far as bachelorette and bridal shower why wouldn't you want to be there?!? This is one of your close friends getting married and when it's your turn i'm sure your going to want her to be there for you. I'm honestly a little disturbed and very glad I have the friends that I do!!
@UpstateNYPrincessBride: She's not a close friend, and I agreed to be in her wedding before I knew all the ridiculous "requirements" she would ask -- my own fault, I suppose. And no, I don't know her very well, so I never expected her to plan a wedding straight out of the 1980s. I can't go to her shower -- previous plans on that day -- and I haven't heard even a whisper about a bachelorette party. She's not going to "be there for me" because I'm not having a wedding party. Frankly, even if I had a wedding party she would not be a member of it.
And finally, "I'm honestly a little disturbed and very glad I have the friends that I do!" sounds a bit like a personal attack to me. Your place is not to judge.
Do some of you also get upset when/if guests don't bring a gift? Or if a bridesmaid or groomsman dies his or her hair or gets a visible tattoo? It might be your wedding, but that only means that you're the only one who really, truly cares. Your friends can support you to the level THEY are comfortable with, not you.
The big thing for me is that they would definately need to pay for all their things.I dont care how do they their hair,makeup,jewelry,etc.Just as long as they look nice.Now I will not require them to be there for all appiontments.Especially the wedding dress stuff.I dont need five people's opinions on that day!!Im only going to bring 2 people for that.
-support me through planning (not every second of every day or anything, just, you know, be happy that I'm getting married!)
-support me at the wedding
-be in my pictures
-pay for their dresses (but they'll get to pick which one out of an affordable collection...)
-pay for their shoes (but my guidelines will be something along the lines of like, "gold and dressy")
-pay for jewelry/hair/makeup (I don't actually expect them to get any of this done, but if they want it they can pay for it).
That's about it!
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Let me get this off my chest first, if you please: your bridesmaids and other female wedding party members are NOT required or even obligated to attend your shower!!
... or your bachelorette, stag party, hen party, spa day, makeup trial, hair trial, manicure, etc.
Okay, I feel much better now.
I realize that some may disagree with me, but let's be real here: she's required to stand or sit next to you at your wedding and be in a few pictures. That's it. Nothing else. I know what's "traditional" and even what's "non-traditional" for the role of bridesmaid, but unless you had her sign a contract agreement of specific duties, she's completely off the hook. Anything she does beyond standing there is a bonus, and you should thank her for that.