Post # 1
Let me get this off my chest first, if you please: your bridesmaids and other female wedding party members are NOT required or even obligated to attend your shower!!
… or your bachelorette, stag party, hen party, spa day, makeup trial, hair trial, manicure, etc.
Okay, I feel much better now.
I realize that some may disagree with me, but let’s be real here: she’s required to stand or sit next to you at your wedding and be in a few pictures. That’s it. Nothing else. I know what’s “traditional” and even what’s “non-traditional” for the role of bridesmaid, but unless you had her sign a contract agreement of specific duties, she’s completely off the hook. Anything she does beyond standing there is a bonus, and you should thank her for that.
Post # 3
I voted for:
– support me through planning
– support me at the wedding
– be in my pictures
– buy their dress
– buy their shoes
– pay for hotel/transportation
That’s what I’m asking for – but I know this will vary from bride to bride. I don’t really expect them to attend my parties, etc. but it would be nice if they tried..
Post # 4
I made my girls buy their own shoes, dress and jewelry and didn’t pay for their hair and make up, but I also told them I didn’t care what shoes or jewelry they wore and didn’t have any requirements for hair and makeup. In fact, one bridesmaid wasn’t going to wear makeup but my MUA wouldn’t stand for it and did hers for free. 🙂
Post # 6
I voted for all of them except
attend every single event related to my wedding!
do anything and everything I ask of her, without complaint and regardless of cost!
I think they should attend your shower and bachelorette if possible. I understand that sometimes work or other obligations can get in the way but if they can’t make it they should at least call and appoligize and explain why they can’t. For non bridal party ladies it is totally understandable if they can’t make those events but your BM’s should really be there IMO.
Post # 7
I voted for:
Support me at the wedding
Be in my pictures
Bustle my gown
Even though I suspect my mother will be the one helping me with my bustle 😉 I am really hoping some of the girls will make either the bachelorette or the shower, but I know that travel and time can be difficult to arrange. All my ladies are gorgeous so they darn well better be in my pictures! Several will have to pay for travel, but housing will be free since we have family and friends with extra beds to crash on (thank goodness).
I picked “little black dress of your choosing” since I know almost everyone already has something suitable, so “buy your dress” needn’t be an obstacle to participation.
Post # 8
I agree with the very first comment–your wedding party is NOT obligated to do anything other than show up to the wedding, stand next to you and be in a few pictures. It is implied by the honor of asking that they will stand by you in life and support the planning. I did ask my girls to buy their dresses ($115) but I bought their shoes and jewelry. One of 3 bridesmaids came to my shower the other 2 had conflicts and that’s ok. It also may be implied that if they have to travel for the wedding their accomodations are on their own unless you specify otherwise (and you should let them know that up front incase they really can’t afford it–wedding costs add up for guests too!)
Post # 9
I didn’t vote for the transportation one, but I do expect them to pay for their own gas to get here. We all have family here, though, so no one will have a hotel and everyone is within a 3 hour drive tops.
I wouldn’t require my BM’s presence at my shower/bachelorette, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that I would be incredibly hurt and disappointed. They’re on the same weekend, and again, everyone is pretty local.
Would anyone not expect their BMs to be in their photos? That seems like a bit of an odd question to me.
Post # 10
I definitely think that support through the planning process, support on the day of the wedding and be in the pictures are the major requirements. While I also think the bms should expect to pay for their own shoes, dress, make-up, hotel room and transportation, if any of my bridesmaids had come to me with money concerns I would have gladly helped them out. I think I did enough by letting them know that they could do thier own hair and make-up if they wanted, grab any black dress that they had in their closet and wear whatever shoes they wanted and I’d be happy. I housed them in my home for at least one of the nights that they were in town so that they didn’t have to pay for the cost of the hotel for more than two nights. I tried asking the bare minimum, insisted on not having a bridal shower and organized my bachlorette party to be a joint one with my hubs and didn’t require anyone to go, only people who could swing it. I firmly believe that a wedding should not be a financial burden on anyone but the bride and groom and they can decide how much they want to take on.
Post # 11
Who would “require” their friends and loved ones to do anything? It’s nice enough that they’ll agree to be in the wedding. Everything else is a bonus.
Post # 12
The only things my girls have to do is figure out what they’re gonna wear (costume, shoes, accessories), do their own hair and makeup, and get there. Oh, and be in photos. ’cause I totally gotta have pics of my girls. Same for the guys.
everything else? it’s a bonus. though, pretty sure they’d come since it’d be a jack & jill thing (unless they kidnap me for a night out… lol).
Post # 13
Honestly, the only thing I care about is having my best friends stand next to me as I get married and start a new chapter in my life. Everything else the can do and/or choose to do is just icing on the cake.
Post # 14
I don’t think they’re really required to do anything except show up, wear something that covers their naughty bits, and be in a few pictures. That’s basically what they agreed to when tey said they’d be bridesmaids.
I’m asking them to pay for their own dresses, shoes, jewelry, etc, but I also don’t have very strict requirements. Basically, any green dress, plus shoes and jewelry they already own if they want. They don’t have to come to my bachelorette party (in fact, I know some won’t because they live far away) and I’m not having a bridal shower.
They do have to “support me in the planning process” in that I occasionally send out emails that read something like “omg we need to find dresses. dude, i don’t think i’m going to have any centerpieces. open bar YAYES.” though they are free to delete them.
though, funny story, we also sent out about 45 reply-alls on the bridesmaid list before realizing that the fifth email address which was being suspiciously quiet was not in fact my fiance’s sister, but some random dude from Cornell whose email we had added by accident. so I guess EVERYONE including people I’ve never met before are required to support me in my wedding planning process.
Post # 15
I also voted for all of them except: attend every single event related to my wedding! and do anything and everything I ask of her, without complaint and regardless of cost!
ETA: I had a much longer explanation here, but for some reason it didn’t post?? The gist of it was that if we all had BMs who didn’t buy their dress or shoes, didn’t show up to any pre-wedding events, didn’t support us at all during the planning process or on the day of the actual wedding, and only showed up the day of to stand there and take a few pictures, the boards would be even more overloaded with BM complaints than they already are.
I agree 100% that BMs should be thanked for everything they do as part of the planning process. I thank mine all the time for the help they provide and have presents all waiting for them to receive. BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t have expectations for them. They might not have signed a contract, but at least everyone I asked was aware of the typical roles of the BMs and understood in accepting that position, there would be requirements.
Post # 16
I chose pay for dress, shoes, hair, transportation and support.
When I say pay for hair/makeup that is if they want to and they opt not to do their own. Shoes, if they don’t have any that they can’t wear already that aren’t the color we are using. Transportation is just a given almost. Support, just means lend a listening ear or being the friend that they are. They don’t have to show up for anything but the wedding. Hopefully, they will be at the rehersal, if they can.
i also selected, be in photos.