Bridesmaids Frustration – Vent here!

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

I think it’s nice to have bridesmaids and nice to have girlfriends who are there for you in a special way on your wedding day.

However, I do think it’s reality that our girlfriends, even our closest girlfriends, have lives of their own and only care so much about our weddings.  That goes for money too, even our closest girlfriends are only willing to spend so much on our weddings.  Honestly, based on commentary that I’ve heard through the years, I really think that people much prefer to be guests vs. in the bridal party, no matter how much they love us.

I also think it’s reality that the more people in the bridal party, the more complicate things will be and that the more that we rely on our bridesmaids, the more frustrating the process will be.  My advice would be to just leave Jill alone, she clearly doesn’t want to give you her time and attention.  I would say the same for Betty.  She will either get a dress and be in the bridal party or she won’t.  Now I’m not saying that all of this silence and perhaps even passive aggressiveness isn’t rude to you, I’m just saying that it’s hard to do anything about it and so just let it go, as you suggest.

Post # 3
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

artdeco:  It kinda sounds like Jill wants out. I get having lives of their own and your wedding not being #1… but come on… that’s a long list of (to me) not super important reasons to constantly be cancelling, then the ignoring of messages alone would be a red flag to me. Maybe she said yes, then realized it would actually take some money and effort on her part and now wants out but doesn’t know how to tell you. I had a friend that was doing that… we talked about it, turns out she wanted out of the wedding party. I would give her an easy out and see what she does. Then you don’t run the risk of destroying the friendship and no one is the ‘bad guy’.

I’ve had a bit of drama too… everyone does. And I agree that adding people to the mix make it more complicated. If I could do it over again I would have only picked 1 or 2 people. Which is what I said I would do, then got excited and picked 6! Ugh… well 5 now because one dropped out, which is also annoying because now we’re uneven. I don’t care about it as much but it was a big deal to my FI.

5 more months! Then it won’t matter! haha

Post # 5
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m not entirely sure what you’re having a bridesmaids meeting about, but you may try calling your friend and talking to her when you have a question, rather than sending email or text or facebook etc. It takes like 3 minutes to call someone on the phone and might prevent a lot of communication breakdowns.  But I am still not sure what this “meeting” is about.

Post # 6
Member
42549 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Both of these women had their personalities before you asked them to be bridesmaids. I’m not sure why are expecting different behavior from them when you say:

It’s her personality to be overwhelmed by everyday tasks

But now I need her to stop being so flakey!

she is just kind of weird

They are who they are and they are not going to change. If they show up, they show up. If they have the dress, they have the dress.

I know it’s stressful for some people planning a wedding, but worrying about things you cannot change is very draining.

Post # 7
Member
3560 posts
Sugar bee

I would pick two other bridesmaids.  People who are able to take the time out of hte day to help you.  You know this from before you asked them that they had their own lives.  It’s not like they are waiting on you to give them a task. They’re living their life.  I can understand having two great BMs and then just these two eh BMs can be annoying and frustrating but I think with Jill she just doesnt’ want to be one.  I can tell you flat out, it’s an honor to be asked to be a BM, but to actually be one?  Completely different story.  I know I couldn’t be a BM, I have a kid, I have too little time to help with wedding planning.  Maybe talk to Jill and see if she really wants to be a BM.  As for Betty…hmmm.<br />

Post # 8
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

My advice would be to cut them out of the bridal party, but it doesn’t sound like you want to do that. 

I think people who make the wedding process more difficult should be cut out of it as soon as possible. If they don’t do the few things they need to do and they are hard to get a hold of, they shouldn’t have the BM/GM position; they can’t handle the responsibility. There’s no sense in including disruptive, flaky, or perpetually late people in an event where emotions are involved and time is of the essence. It doesn’t even matter if they’re close friends or family.

If you involve a person you already know is difficult in your wedding, then you basically caused your own problem. Troublesome people don’t usually become angels just because they’re going to be in a wedding, 

Make the next three months easier on yourself: if they don’t have their dress, they don’t walk down the aisle. If you have two other ladies you would rather have as bridesmaids, go ahead and put them in the wedding and dismiss the other two. Some people will think it’s mean, but you’re trying to plan an event and these women are making things difficult. If they need to go, they need to go. 

Post # 9
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

There weren’t a great many emails I had to send out to my BMs, mostly just to tell them I wanted a long black dress, that I didn’t care about shoes because the dress was long, and that they had the option of hair and makeup if they felt like it.  But in order to avoid this kind of frustration I never sent messages that required response.  So for the hair and makeup I didn’t say “let me know if you want to do it or not,” I said “if you’d like to have your hair and makeup done just let me know by next Wednesday when I’ll book.”  So if I didn’t hear from someone they were going to do their own hair and I didn’t have to stress about it.  I’m a firm believer in letting grown women be grown women, tell them what they need to do and don’t worry about follow-up, just trust they’ll do it.

Post # 10
Member
11 posts
Newbee

 

artdeco:  I’ll trade you one of my bridesmaids haha! This girl has her moments like Jill where she’ll disappear for a while, then she’ll randomly reappear and try to take over the planning. All my husband and I are doing is putting on a show to appease his parents (we eloped and his parents were kept out of the loop for various reasons), plus my husband’s ready to see me all dolled up lol.

We have a lot of stuff going on in addition to the wedding planning, namely my MIL potentially having to have a knee replacement around the time we’re looking at having our ceremony and my FIL being diagnosed with diabetes,so my husband and I have a lot on our collective plate.The BM in question has become increasingly pushy about things being done on her timetable, yet any time I contact her I’m being blown off.Her boyfriend has also been a major point of contention for most of the bridal party with his abrasive personality and rude comments, and I’m genuinely considering hiring security to keep the guys in the bridal party from doing something they might regret since I don’t feel like I can tell her not to bring him to the wedding.

Things have gotten to the point that the stress is affecting my health (I’m severely asthmatic and have major problems with stress induced ulcers), and she’s said some things that pissed my husband off royally so he wants to have a talk with her.I’m to the point I’d rather postpone things a year or so to give me a chance to get everything taken care of, including replacing this girl if if comes down to it.

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