Bridesmaids problems, Feeling no support

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Now what?
    You're sad. It's okay to feel sad. : (22 votes)
    28 %
    Way to be proactive and do things yourself : (7 votes)
    9 %
    You're a bridezilla and you dont even know it : (7 votes)
    9 %
    Find something for the BMs to do to show their support : (4 votes)
    5 %
    You made your bed. Now go lie in it. : (7 votes)
    9 %
    BMs are there for the Wedding, not anything leading up : (18 votes)
    23 %
    BMs should be helping you prepare : (8 votes)
    10 %
    I like polls : (5 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I understand why you’re disappointed,but otoh, no one is required to throw you a party

    Post # 4
    5207 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    @HourThyme:  Showers and bachelorette parties are optional and in all reality have nothing to do with your wedding. Plenty of brides (including myself) had neither. If you want to throw yourself a party so people can feel obligated to give you more gifts by all means do so, but the fact that your BM’s didn’t throw you one does not make them “unsupportive”.

    Post # 5
    6158 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    just because you dished out for her and bent over backwards by your choice, does not mean she has to do the same for you.

    why didn’t you ask your Man of HOnor to throw your shower or have a couples shower with your FI since he is the one that wanted it.

    Post # 7
    42117 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I am sure you are hurt and feeling unsupported.

    One thing my Dad used to say that I will never forget was “Nobody ever promised you life would be fair.”

    The overseas BM, the 12 yr old and the Man of Honor should not be expected to either know what to do or to plan the events.

    The BM who is getting married before you has legitimate reasons, not excuses, for not being able to attend your events. She and her FI have also accepted an invitation to rehearsal dinner.It would be rude of her to cancel when she has already accepted the invitation.

    Showers are hosted by people who want to honor the bride. If no one wants to, so be it, as painful as that might be for you.

    I am sorry you are feeling badly.

    Post # 8
    122 posts
    Blushing bee

    I’m kinda confused- you said you didn’t want a shower or a b=party, but are upset cause no one thought to throw you one?

    Post # 9
    5905 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @HourThyme:  I get that you’re sad, but you gotta admit, in your post you start out not wanting anything…no shower, no bachelorette party and then you change your mind…so if I was in your bridal party, I’d be all confused too…then you plan it because no one else did, because you told them you didn’t want one…but now you do….see what I’m getting at?

    You’re inconsistent….

    Either way, your definition of someone caring about you being demonstrated by throwing you a party is probably not the best way to look at things. These are your friends, they love you and however they choose to show that, is a good thing…because not everyone goes tit for tat with their best friends, and maybe if you avail yourself to their definition  of caring and kindness, instead of looking for your idea of it…you’ll find there are a lot of people pulling for you here…just not with a party.

    Post # 11
    2395 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    It’s extremely icky that you planned and hosted your own shower.  “Hey everyone!  I’m having a get-together so that you can bring me gifts!”  The ONLY purpose of a shower is to shower the person with gifts.  In fact, family members aren’t even supposed to throw them for the same reason.

    You sound annoyed that people have more going on in their lives than your wedding.  Sorry, but the world doesn’t stop turning because you decided to get married.  It’s not a tit-for-tat situation – just because you decided to take on all the things you did for your friend’s wedding doesn’t mean she can or should or has to do the same for you.  It doesn’t mean she’s less of a friend.

    Post # 12
    5905 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @HourThyme:  the only thing I can tell you is that it’s never too late…if you wanted a luncheon fun thing with your girlfriends, plan one…talk to your bridal party and see what can get drummed up…just don’t focus on someone else doing it for you, because no one can know what you’re thinking or feeling…there’s still time to have some fun with everyone.

    Post # 14
    155 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I can relate in some ways because tons of my friends and family are no longer local.  I think that if I was getting married in my early twenties instead of my thirties more people would not be dealing with things like children, spouses, school, traveling and other commitments.  They would still be in college or just getting started in the “real world”.  But timing has a weird way of dictating the who, what, when, where, why and how when it comes to big events like weddings.  And unfortunately the timing appears a bit off based on when you ended up becoming engaged and planning a wedding.  Just remember that it’s not their fault.  When I was going through drama with my ex for years, I could care less about someone else’s wedding or baby showers or whatever that I was invited to.  They were the kinds of things that were completely unimportant to me.  And just like your big day is important to you, I can totally understand why your friend’s attention is elsewhere for her own wedding.  That was something that to be honest you should have foreseen when you chose her as a bridesmaid.  My MOH ended up throwing me a shower for just a few of us.  It was a lovely brunch with under 10 people and it was perfect.  Don’t focus on the size of it.  Just share with your WP that you’d like to have something like PPs said and see what they say. 

    Post # 15
    2173 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    @HourThyme:  It’s actually really typical where I am for the MOB to throw the shower, since it’s an automatic point person and no BM has to feel forced to take on the role.  (Screw traditional etiquette about no family throwing it.)  Oh, and the bride helps- a lot!  In my family, brides help pick out a location, make favors, set-up… Everything.  Really, the bridal party mostly shows up the day of, maybe with a dessert,  to help set up and tear down.  I see you’re from Chiciago.  Maybe your BMs have the same experience and didn’t expect they would be responsible?

    As for the bachelorette, you’re two months out from your day.  Around now is the time I would expect it to start planning for a non-destination bachelorette, so I wouldn’t be too worried.


    Post # 16
    131 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 1993

    @HourThyme:  It sounds like your compressed timetable could be making things that are already pressure-filled even more so…  There are a lot of hoops that have to be jumped through doing basic wedding planning, and things take time to gel together.  And with your one bridesmaid jumping through all of those hoops for her own wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was a little surprised and hurt that you would schedule your wedding so soon after hers, Can you imagine what you’d be going through now if, in addition to planning for your own wedding, your other bridesmaid decided to schedule her wedding just a month after yours?  How much time do you think you would have to give her in that same situation?   

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