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I at least expect them to
Bonus things I have received from them (only if they themselves voluntarily offer)
I do not have expectations from people just because they're in my wedding. It's too huge of a favor to ask and too unreliable that things would get executed if it's not somebody who is truly committed.
I expect nothing from my wedding party other than to stand there on the big day with me and have a HUGE smile on their face while doing so. Everything else is icing the cake.
One of my gals is willing to do a LOT more and has helped me out with a lot of things, I don't ever EXPECT it, but glady accept her help.
i agree with you. my sister/moh called me one night because she was watching bridezillas and they were all making programs and getting yelled at during the process and she was freaking out that she should be helping me do stuff like that. she lives in another state! she made me laugh! i told her not to worry about it, she can help me out on my wedding day if i need it but i'm not going to send all my paper crafts to her so she can tie ribbons. and luckily i'm not doing programs.
I understand what you are saying, but it seems like you are lucky to have good friends and family. Some people have close friends that suck, honestly, and don't willingly give and contribute out of love and friendship. So when people complain on here about bridesmaids not fulfilling their roles, I don't see it as a bridezilla with a checklist of their expected duties, but more as friends letting their friend down. I hope my friends understand that a wedding is a huge, stressful, important event that I need a lot of support during, just like anything stressful and important. Whether that support is tying ribbons on favors because I can't possibly do all 200 alone, or simply listening, I think bridesmaids' duties are just about being a good friend or family member.
I completely agree with you! I want my ladies to feel honored and treated. My expectations are a lot like Pren79---buy the dress, show up on time, help with any last minute things, and have a wonderful time. Afterall, these are my friends, not craft slaves.
Edit: That being said, some ladies love to help with all kinds of little projects along the way--but I am not going to force everyone to work on things and then gripe about the job they are doing.
With the exception of my Matron of Honor, who is a wedding planner and offered up her expertise to me free of charge, and my Maid of Honor, who wants to plan and throw the bachelorette, all I expect is that they get the dress, be anywhere they need to be for the rehearsal and wedding on time, and keep me from freaking out on the day of. I'm kind of a total spaz and I'm going to need moral support to, like, not have an anxiety attack. As long as they are there to make me laugh (and pour some champagne), I'm all good.
I don't expect the planning/crafting help either. All I need is them to show up in a dress and have a good time. I view the wedding party as just like, our closest friends that have supported us and that we want to honor them. Not like they're wedding slaves :) Of course, if they WANT to be, that's another story.
I understand what you're saying and totally agree. I expect that our wedding party will stand up and be there for us on our special day, and not much else. Like others have mentioned, I do expect help the day of the wedding...but other than that any help that they offer or I have received has just been a bonus.
I've never had an experience where a BM didn't want to pay for the dress (or a GM his tux/suit) but I guess technically that IS an expectation too...the bachelor/bachelorette party will be a bonus...nothing was expected, but everything will be appreciated!
i agree with the OP, but i think that EVERYONE would say that. but you know, that's not the case in real life. I haven't busied my girls with a ton of stuff because why would I? it's not their wedding. With enough preplanning and DIY on my own, it's possible to give the girls a good time so they don't have a zillion other things to do while they're supposed to be giving you moral support the day of.
I agree. I want my bridesmaids to support me on my day by being on time and looking nice and not complaining about anything. ;) Everything else is gravy.
I totally agree with you! I don't expect them to help me with planning or anything. That part my FI and I can do alone. I just want them to show up pretty in their dress and if anything, what I really really need is the emotional support, and that comes easy with them as it comes with being good friends with them and that's why I chose them to be my persons who would stand next to me as I take my vow!
I do get a little turned off when a bride gets too demanding, though (no offense to any brides here), but I don't view BMs as owing any duties to the bride. I am just thrilled to have them be there for me, and any extra things they are willing to do for me, I consider it as a bonus. And, if you don't have to have that many BMs to help you with the wedding planning. Having one maid of honor who is your best friend of closet sister as your only bridal attendant beats 10 or 12 BMs who don't share that enthusiasm with you do about your wedding any day, imo.
I am with you 100%!
All my girls are out of province so they physically can't help me with anything even if they wanted to and I chose them because I wanted them to be my guest of honour on my wedding day and share the experience with me!
The only 'job' I say they have is to be my sounding board for stuff - I call them to ask them their opinions and to bitch about wedding stuff but that is their 'job' in my life anyway they are who I go to (other than FI) for emotional support and they do the same for me!
I completely agree with you - well said! I think it's easy to forget that our closest friends also have lives with their own sets of financial responsibilities, stresses, etc. I think it's easy to have expectations of how we'd want our friends to be there for us - supporting our decisions, etc... but why wouldn't we do the same for them?
All my bridesmaids are from out of state, and for that matter, so am I! But the one thing I need help with is the flowers, which I have come to the conclusion I am going to DiM (Do it Myself!). It's a little scary since I've only every worked with fake flowers but my sister and another bridesmaid immediately stepped up to the plate and will be helping me pull things together before the ceremony.
I definitely consider that going above and beyond, since they're both flying in from across the country but this is why I consider them such good friends - friends help eachother out in a pinch!
All the bridezilla stories get started when someone starts acting as if her friends are now her slaves and she feels like she has to crack the whip!
I think it goes beyond just asking people to help with things. I couldn't imagine telling someone how to wear her hair or what shoes to wear. Sure, a specific dress or color seems fair, but to demand that everyone wear the same jewelry and shoes that might not be comfortable and have identical hair seems like such a burden on the very people you should really just want having fun.
I gave my BMs a designer (Alfred Angelo), color and lenght and asked them to choose their dresses. I didn't request approval, but I did ask to see the dresses (just because I was curious). I didn't specify Jewelry, shoes or anything else. They could get their hair done and I made the appointments if they choose that.
My MOH was AMAZING. She went above and beyond in every single thing she did. The shower was wonderful, she helped with DIY projects and she and her mom made all the bouquets. These were all things that she volunteered for and I greatly appreciate them.
I was a little dissapointed by some of my other BMs, not b/c they didn't fulfil BM "roles" but because I thought that my sister-in-laws (brothers wives I've known for 10-15 years, I have no "real" sisters) would be more involved. My MOH e-mailed them for input on the shower, not money or labor, just ideas and they didn't even respond to her e-mail! I'm disapointed by one in particular b/c she doesn't get along with my Mom and I feel like she and my brother let that get in the way of a lot of things during the wedding events. I planned my own bachelorette party (b/c I felt bad that my MOH had no help with the shower) and this one BM didn't even respond to the facebook invite. Again, this hurts more b/c we were close as sister-in-laws, not because she was my BM.
My cousin and other SIL (husband's sister) live 3000 miles away (in opposite directions) and I completly understand that they couldn't help with anything, no biggie.
So, yeah, I guess I'm one of those brides that was a little dissapointed by her BMs. Most of this dissapointment is because my MOH felt that she had to pick up the slack and that I thought my SILs would be more excited for me.
Since I'm in Raleigh, my BMs can't really be involved as much as I would love them to be. If I come back north to try on gowns with my mom, my MOH and a BM have already told me they really want to be there. These gals (and guy) are literally my best friends, and I just want them there. Our attitude is throw a great party and get married somewhere in there, so my only request of them is show up and have a blast.
All I expected of my bridesmaids is that they would respond to the occasional email or phone call (about what to wear and the times for the pre-wedding events like the rehearsal), get their dress and shoes (they are choosing their own LBD), and show up on the day.
I don't know about the day of yet, but so far I have had to chase bridesmaids down to find out important details, most of them have not gotten their dress or shoes and it's less than one month before the wedding, and only two of them (out of 5) are coming to the rehearsal and none of them have made their travel plans or hotel reservations for the wedding yet!
You know, now that I am a bride, I realize that I was a pretty crappy bridesmaid to my friends in past years. I didn't grow up around many weddings, so I didn't really know proper bridesmaid etiquette.
The first wedding I was in, I left the country for the 6 months preceeding the wedding. I came back literally 1 month before the wedding (and was gone for another 2 weeks of that month!) The bride had bought my dress and I reimbursed her, but I truly did not think of how stressful that might have been for her not knowing if and when I would come back! I had a lot of stuff going on in my own life and I had no idea that bridesmaids dresses needed to be ordered months in advance, etc.
I was also a maid of honor for my best friend. She had a bunch of "requirements" - that I go dress shopping with her, throw her a bachelorette party and a shower, and give a toast at the wedding. I was so not in the mindset of dress shopping, I looked at some dresses online and thought they all looked the same. I sent her a couple links, just so she could feel like I had done something. I used to be extremely shy and the idea of planning parties was horrifying. I had to enlist the help of her mom for the shower, and her other BM planned the bachelorette. Despite my horrible fears of public speaking, I did give a toast at the wedding however.
For my BMs, my only requirement of them is that they buy the dress and show up. And I expect them to DANCE their booties off at the reception. However, I've been lucky that my sister is my MOH and basically planned my wedding, and my other best friend is planning my bachelorette. She has wanted to do this since before I even met my FH! LOL.
You guys all have the right idea, and I think the brides with too many expectations should realize that even though their BMS may not be into the wedding planning, doesnt mean they don't love you and support your marriage!!!!
@jocelyn - with you 500 percent on your view of the roles...
I completely agree with Jocelyn. I actually just had a really painful experience with being booted from the bridal party of a very close friend for not being "that into it". She's been engaged for two weeks...and in that time I went to a bridal show with her, swapped emails about flowers, dresses etc etc. My mistake was thinking that we were still teasing each other as usual about everything - but I guess she thought I would fawn all over her all the time? I'm not even sure what happened there.
Anyway, I guess my point is, if you do have expectations, you should make them very clear at the beginning. Otherwise you may find yourself down a bridesmaid and a friend! (Like she and I are, since we were BMs in each other's weddings pre-fight.)
My MOH lives in another state and both of my bridesmaids word and go to school full time (well one just graduated, but the other is thick in the middle of school). All I expect from them is being there to get dresses, making sure they have what they need the day of (shoes, makeup, hair done appropriately, etc), and to stand up with us the day of and be happy! :) I would hope that they could pitch in a little the day of and help with little odds and ends but I am not worried either way (I have a wedding coordinator and my mom is very helpful too). I don't really think bridesmaids should or are expected to be 'servants' if you will, as is seen on Brideszillas. I think that although that show is HILLARIOUS sometimes, it paints brides in a terrible light and can strike fear into the hearts of grooms, FMIL, bridesmaids, etc. These girls are still your friends ladies - remember that and treat them as such :)
-Bella
being a bridesmaid is usually ridiculously expensive, and I dont want bridesmaids paying for their dress,hair and makeup, and shoes for my event, its just nonsense. I have asked two sisters and thats all, even though Luke wants his 3 brothers, I dont see a problem with an uneven party. whats the big deal as far as Im concerned.
I asked my potential BMs to think about it, we will work out some ideas for clothes and costs in the next few weeks, and then decide if they want to commit to the role if that goes smoothly, I figure if the bride (me) didnt choose so many bridesmaids, I could budget to pay at least half their expenses. Why should they be sent broke to prove they care about the bride and groom? they shouldnt. if the bride decided to do away with the shower parties, the bridesmaids and guests would have more money to spend on the actual big event: the wedding day.
Yeah I will ask my BMs for no bridal showers/hens/bachelorettes and all that hooha for my wedding. Not so I get more on the wedding day, just so we can prep for that day with out other formalities to dress up and buy for.
Around one wedding I went to, there was a kitchen tea, a bachparty, 2 baby showers, an engagement party, within 3 weeks, it was hideous, way too much dress up, shop, polite inane chatter, & women eating.
If this sounds tongue-in-cheek, Im not trying to be, after being to eight friends weddings, and being a BM in 3, Ive gotten more and more insight into just where and how things go haywire, and its similar reasons everytime:
people overspending money they havent got;
personality clashes;
and people losing sight of the whole point of the event: get the bride and groom to both happily say "I do" and be happy for them. Anyone who doesnt view that as goal No#1, shouldnt be interested in witnessing the wedding.
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So many threads have been about bridesmaids not doing enough or being busy with their own lives. I have a completely different approach to bridesmaids and was wondering what other people thought. To me, the notion of bridesmaids being there to help you plan your wedding seems outdated. I just thought the wedding party was more about who you wanted to stand with you as a witness to your marriage and about treating them like guests of honor.
I have been treating my bridesmaids more as honored guests than as wedding assistants or back-up dancers. I assume they will help with little details the day of the wedding because they will be around. My sister, who is my maid of honor, threw me a bachelorette party, but not because it was her "job" but because she is my sister and wanted to throw me a party. I guess what I am saying is that I don't expect anyone in my wedding party to do anything for me that they wouldn't have otherwise done just because we are close, which is why I asked them to be in my wedding in the first place.
What do you expect from your wedding party? Do you have expectations of people above and beyond what you would expect from them as a friend or family member simply because you asked them to be in your wedding?