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Some quick background--I am planning a relatively small budget wedding, partially due to need and partially due to the fact that I can't justify spending so much on one day. This is leading to me 1. DIY-ing a lot of stuff, which I love because it lets me have really personal touches on everything and 2. finding creative ways to spend less money. I'm making sure not to cut too much on aspects important to the guests having a good time (food, alcohol etc will all be nice stuff!) but on decor, etc, I'm cutting back and doing things my own way.
So I have 5 bridesmaids, and the two of them who live in the same town as me have been really great in helping and going with me to try on dresses, etc. BUT I know from comments they make occasionally, etc, that they kind of think I'm cheap and that the wedding will look cheap because I'm not going the "normal bridal" route. I'm actually happy about it looking different-- It won't look exactly like every other wedding I've been to in the past five years!
So I've been kind of ignoring the occasional snarky comments and it's been fine, but now we're choosing dresses and I'm having a problem with them. I wanted to have the girls get a cute plain little black dress from Target for about $30, dress it up with a sash, and who will know better? It's a cute dress! I didn't want it to look really "bridesmaidy" anyway, and I have a couple bridesmaids who are in grad school and don't have a lot of money to spend on it. These other two girls, though, went out without me and found another dress at JCrew that looks a lot like this dress (of course it's better quality and all, but...) only about $200 more, and they really want it, and are saying the other one will look cheap. They've already told one other (also well off) BM, and said she's ok with it, though I'm not sure.
I wanted all the girls in the same dress because it would be (I think) cuter in pics and I just like the look, personally--plus some of my other decor is kinda non-traditional, so I wanted to keep this traditional. But I really don't feel comfortable asking the other girls to buy this expensive dress, (I think they'd buy it if I asked, and just make it work, but I don't want to force them to!) but I feel like it might cause more strife with the two girls to make them get the "cheapo" version (or if not strife, more snarky comments that stress me out), so should I just go ahead with the "everyone get whatever tea length black dress you want" thing and suck it up and get over my thought of how it would look? Am I overreacting? WILL it look cheapo to get this less pricey dress? AHH!
Also, these girls are two of my best friends and are not bad people--they're really nice but just have different ideas than me about whether "nice" needs to mean "expensive."
Thanks! I've been lurking around Weddingbee for a while, and it seems like you guys are really good at bridal dilemmas that non-brides don't really understand. :)
How many bridesmaids do you have? If they are all ok with the JCrew dress, I would say go for it and be done with it. Especially since it's a black dress that they'll wear again and again. Maybe you could let them all pick their own dress and then your other grad school friends could pick a cheaper one? As far as the other decor issues go, tell them to shove it and you like the choices you've made. :) I bet it will be great!
Personally, I think you should do what YOU want. It is your wedding. And if it was the other way around (you wanted the $200 dress, but the BMs wanted the $30 dress I might go the other way). I haven't ever heard of BMs complaining about a dress being too INexpensive. Is the Target dress online? Could you post a link? And to the JCrew one? That might give us a better idea.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with having $30 dresses for the BMs (of course $200 is 2/3 of what my wedding dress cost! And my BM dresses were $85 so it might just be me!) What it all boils down to is that you aren't comfortable making a couple of your bridesmaids spend that much on a dress.....do what feels right for you.
I was thinking about going the Target route also for bridesmaids dresses or even Forever 21. All my people are my age and either in grad school or just starting to work so I doubt they would care, plus it is better than the alternative of spending money on a dress you would never wear again. If you are going the Jcrew route and think the grad school girls may not be able to afford it, keep a look out on ebay for similar dresses and buy them for them when they come up. They can reimburse you later.
Remember, its your wedding and your opinion (and your FI I guess) are the only ones that matter
I think it's your wedding, you decide. My bridesmaids were getting a little choosy themselves when we were in the dressing room. I ended up going with my origional vision, and I am very happy with my decision. They can wear what ever they want on any other day. This one is for me.
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I agree with Kate that it's YOUR wedding, you can do whatever you want! If you don't want to spend a fortune on centerpieces, well, that just makes sense with our current economic state. Do you think the Target dresses look cheap? Remember, they will be in lots of wedding photos that you will be paying for. Maybe you could find a middle of the road dress for the girls? The dresses my bridesmaids are wearing are from B2 aka Jasmine Bridal. They cost approximately $130 total and they look really classy. And I know all of the girls in my party feel great in them. This is probably your best way to go if you want them all to match, which it sounds like you do.
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Not sure if this applies, but J.Crew has a student discount of 15% so if you or they are a student, those cents add up!
?!?! J.Crew has a student discount and I did not know this! GIMINEY!!!!!!
jojadin.... you just made my day... {happily sighing}
Now back to reality. Ok. I have been on the flip side of this type of thing. I have a friend who my fiance would describe as cheap.. I defend her by saying she is frugal... but she is hands down the most dedicated person to verbally telling people they are spending way too much money on something she can find a better deal on.
I would say if your bridesmaids want to spend more to buy the other dress let them. If it is something that they like and will wear again then fine. Maybe they don't want to buy the $30 dress because they don't forsee wearing it again?
Is the other dress really not as cute as the one you picked? Can you not picture them wearing it? Either you say what I know my friend would say "frankly, I don't feel comfortable knowing you spent $200 on a dress, the $30 dollar dress makes me feel like I didn't burden you, and I would prefer you wore the $30 dress... Please help me make this work." or you just be flexible. You can pick your battles. For example- I would encourage you to put your foot down if you don't want the girls to take you on a huge primo expensivo bachelerette party versus trying to stop them from buying Jimmy Choo shoes that they think will go well with the $30 dress.
J. Crew gives student discounts?! I can't get over I did not know this. Is this an online thing, an in store thing? (do you have to show them your student ID or just tell them when you are at the counter???)
I think it is a 10% discount, and just bring your ID to the store. I have never used it online. Awesome, i know!!
Bridesmaids don't need to have the same taste as the bride. They shouldn't be telling you what they should wear. I would ask the other BMs what they think (the ones in grad school). If they say they don't mind, then go with the JCrew. Everyone likes a LBD. If the other BMs say they just can't afford it, I would put my foot down. It's $30, I'm sure these girls can afford to buy a $30 dress even if they never wear it again. It's not about them, it's about you and your vision. Go with your gut!
Wow, thanks everyone for the quick responses! And I didn't know JCrew has a student discount either!!
The issue really is not that the dress isn't nice (pretty much all the JCrew bridesmaids dresses are cute! and this one will fit fine with the wedding, etc) just that I kind of wanted them all in the same dress and I don't want to burden the less well off bridesmaids with something they really can't afford. Especially since the rest of my wedding isn't really super fancy, it seems kind of not right to me to ask them to buy something that costs that much when they are already coming into town for my wedding, etc.
Maybe I just think too much about how other people will feel about things!
The cheaper dress is not cheap looking, and I actually think it's cute. I'm just not sure whether to push the issue or just say forget them matching, let them buy something they like in their budget.
(and PS I'm not going to post pics of the dresses because I kind of oversimplified in the original post--we are still deciding between a couple dresses at either place-strapless or not-and it was easier to just think of it as one--same issue :) )
This may be the first time in history that bridesmaids are complaining that their dresses cost too little. :) I know, I know - that doesn't help you one bit! I have a feeling that the bridesmaids complaining about your "cheapness" may change their tune if they wind up participating in a wedding in which the bride-to-be demands $600 dresses, dyed-to-match shoes, four showers and a destination bachelorette weekend.
My suggestion: Talk to your grad school bridesmaids individually. Ask them to be brutally honest with you about whether paying $200 (or so) for a dress will be a significant financial imposition. Tell them that you won't tell the others they complained about the price if they do have issues; you'll just issue a bridal dictate with no explanation. If they both say, "Nah, I was expecting something like $200, and the J.Crew dresses look cute," then go with the J.Crew dress route. If even one grad school bridesmaid says, "Actually, only having to pay $30 for a bridesmaid dress would REALLY help right now," then go with the Target route.
Either way, though - this is your wedding, and they are your bridesmaids, and part of the bridesmaid role is sucking it up and wearing the dress that the bride picks. There are two exceptions to that rule - if a bridesmaid can't afford the dress, or can't wear the dress for some anatomical reason (for example, if her chest is too big for a strapless bra and the dress is strapless). Neither applies in your case.
Forgive me if I sound harsh, but it seems to me as though some of your bridesmaids have forgotten that this is *your* wedding. You're not being a Bridezilla asking them to wear a $30 dress that may not be their dream dress for a few hours. You have more patience than I do - I long since would have asked one of them, following one of the "cheap" insinuations, if they then wanted to pay the way for me doing things in a more "traditional" way. With a smile and in a joking tone, but still. You are being the dream bride from a guest's perspective, and it sounds as though you're going to have *your* dream wedding - that you can afford - in the process. That is a rare combination to achieve; congratulations to you for achieving it!
I'm actually pitching Target dresses to my bridesmaids as well (but they don't know it yet). I found what appears to be two nice looking dresses in the same color and fabric and both are $40. Since my BMs have different body shapes, some wanted strapless and others did not. I sent all of them the pictures of both dresses and only told them they were simple iand cheap and asked for thier sizes. I later told one where to find the dress because she was worried about ordering online without trying on. However, at this point, I'm ordering one of each to try on and see the quality. If they look as good in person as online I would be happy to tell my girls to buy the $40 dress but I am also not sure how they will feel. They will most likely never wear the dress again but it is possible that they would never re-wear whatever dress they got. I think you should be aware of their desires and if all of your girls want the J.Crew dress it could be that they feel they will get their money's worth and would never wear the Target dress again, especially since your dress is black. J. Crew provides email discounts from time to time so I would suggest signing up for their emails if you are considering this option. Good luck, please let me know if you go the Target route, I haven'T yet decided either.
go with what YOU want :)
i agree with asking every BM individually (especially those in grad school) about if they can fork over $200 for dress. Also BMs have more to pay for than just a dress. You have to account in shoes, jewelry, makeup, bridal shower, travel expenses, etc etc etc. If even one BM is uncomfortable with the price, then stick with the Target dress.
If the BMs who want the Jcrew dress really want it, then they can get it themselves ouside of the wedding. If they are willing to spend the ridiculous amount of money for an overpriced (although I admit pretty) dress, then they can spare the 30 dollars for the Target one too.
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Honestly, I am kind of taken aback that the BMs are telling YOU what they're going to wear to your wedding. I have been a BM a few times and that's kind of the point, that you are in someone else's wedding, not your own. Remember back in the day when BM dresses were truly hideous? Trust me, it's not like the bridesmaids chose to wear those dresses on their own!
Having said that, I also know there are times when you have to look the other way and suck it up for the sake of a friendship. Personally I think it kind of sucks you have to be calling up each BM and having a personal discussion with them over this 'issue', this is the kind of extra work I am so dreading! That probably is the best route though...and honestly, even if they do half and half on the dresses, I doubt you will notice in pictures. That's the nice thing about black...plus with different figures even the same dress will look different on different girls...so I doubt you'd notice a slight mismatch in pics.
Or if they do look a bit different, maybe you could go for half the BMs in one dress and half in the other so it looks like it was planned that way?
I don't think you should have some BMs in Target dreses and some in JCrew dresses. I'm all for Target, and believe that you can pull of Target dresses without looking cheap. But I do have concerns if the material is different, that putting Target dresses next to J Crew dresses might allow for people to notice the differences.
I think you should check with the grad schol friends and, if they can't afford the $200 dresses, get the Target dresses. I'm sorry your Bms think you're cheap. But if they can't suck it up and wear a Target dress for one evening, they are being a bit....snobbish. Who will know they are form Target? Accept if one of your BMs goes around saying, "Yeah, I'm so embarrassed to wear this dress. GretaB made us get it from Target."?
If your vision is to have them all wear the same dress, that should be that. The only reasons why they should be in different dress (causing you to bend on your vision) is if one is pregnant or the BMs body shapes are quite varied. I could see if you originally wanted a dress that was too expensive, scratching that to find something more afordable for them. But not the other way around. If they all want J Crew, and you don't mind, fine. Otherwise, go Target.
Thanks everyone. I think sometimes it's just nice to have a little reassurance since it's easy to feel like you're going crazy over all this wedding stuff...
I think I'll do what many of you suggested and talk with the less well-off girls and if they're at all uncomfortable with the higher price, Target it is and the other girls can get the dress they want for their personal use on their own!
slicey19 - what dresses are you looking at from Target?
Post a pic of the one from J Crew and the one from Target here.
My bm's will use a LBD also for the dress..and so far both of them want the J Crew dress. But will pick different styles in the same fabric.
Why not if $ is a factor let each girl wear their own LBD of choice and maybe the same pair of shoes in a contrasting color (like pink)? That would be cute! And you can give them the same jewelry and some bright contrasting flowers too.
One thing to check is if the target dresses can take alterations. They are cheap (I buy target all the time and it generally only lasts on season) You might make sure that they can be altered. Also make sure that no one washes them before the wedding. The black might fade.
I don't think anyone will notice the difference in similar black dresses. People don't notice that stuff. It is unlikely it will show up in the photos. Depending on the exposure, the black details probably won't stand out in photos.
I would just like to say that while I have purchased clothing at Target before, I find that it tends to not fit me very well at all- something is always at least a little off. Maybe they just don't find the fit to be as great as the Jcrew dresses?
Also, I would check out Express- my sorority had everyone buy black dresses there for years- they were about $80, which is a nice midrange option.
I agree with the ladies, it's YOUR wedding and what you say goes. Sorry you are having to deal with this, and not you are not cheap because you do not want to start your marriage in debt.
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I'm going to probably be the only one who says this, but I understand where the bridesmaids are coming from. Part of the fun (for me) of being a bridesmaid has always been the dress...and i have been lucky to wear some awesome dresses! I would be totally disappointed to have to wear a dress from Target. Yes I realize that it isn't my wedding, and of course I would do whatever the bride wanted in the end...but I would probably do the same as your bridesmaids and suggest a dress that I would wear again-like a black J Crew dress.
I too am planning a wedding on a tight budget. I went with a discontinued dress from David's Bridal that was only $59 to help my BM's out. The other ones I liked were closer to $200. I am having my wedding here in WI and my bridesmaids are coming from Ohio. I figured it would be nice to help them out and pick a cheaper dress. None of them seemed to mind that it was less expensive. And it can be worn again to other functions. The wedding isn't about them and they should just respect what you want. I am making my own invatations and doing most of the decorating myself. It isn't going to be a crappy looking wedding because I only spent $1000 versus $5000 on that stuff. If anything it will make it more personal and I will have more memories.
Good Luck.
I think it's really sweet that you are considering the costs/burden on your less well off BM's. And my response is that the rest should just suck it up. It seems incredibly insensitive that the others can't even imagine why a $230 dress might be a stretch for some people. to be honest, in pictures no one can really tell the quality of a dress. I'm sure the JCrew ones are nicer, but I'm sure your BM's for whome $200 extra dollars would be a stretch don't care that much.
I'm not sure I agree that it's a good idea to talk with them about it. When I was a student and a BM (several times), if the bride had asked me I probably would have said either is fine b/c I would want to leave it to the bride to decide. But I know I still would ahve preferred the cheaper one. I literally *hate* one of the BM dresses I wore while a student, and having to start saving several mos in advance to buy it while I was a student made me hate it more. I feel pretty strongly that you should always pick the cheapest BM dress you can find (that still fits your wedding/color scheme et). B/c you might think a dress is cute and rewearable, but it might not be your BM's taste no matter how nice it is.
And FWIW I find that neither JCrew petites nor really anything at Target fits me...so if it were me I'd appreciate the cheaper dress which I'd probably have to get tailored anyway.
I would maybe consider purchasing the Target dress. Pack it, wrinkle it, sit in it for a couple of hours, etc...Then photograph in it. I think it is really important to test the waters on the cheaper dress. You may find that there is a huge difference on what it looks like online and what it photographs in person, sometimes price can make a huge difference in things like this because of quality, fabric etc.
Good Luck!
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I think the ladies so far have got the right idea. It is YOUR wedding and at the end of the day you should get your way. Shoot, you are just trying to save the money! I would talk to the other girls who might not have the money for the J. Crew dress and see what they have to say about it. If they REALLY want them, let them buy it. If not, could you just let the girls pick the dress they want? I know you want them all to look the same, but if it's a tea length LBD, it's going to look pretty much the same in photos anyway. I would love to see the photos of dresses you are considering if you wouldn't mind posting them. Good luck and please let us know what you decide!
I am the same way I am extremely frugal and have been cutting costs everyway I can; I did my own invitations for $35 with return postage (not including outgoing postage), my photographer is my friend who free-lances ($1000) I'm doing my own flowers ($250), going to a sample sale and using my $500 gift certficate (will come to $300, cheapest dress is 800 at sample sale) at Kleinfeld, making my own guestbook ($7.00-buying an unlined notebook and covering it with tulle and lace), found a cheap videographer ($250), my friend from John Barrett at Bergdorf and Goodman is doing hair and make-up free, I'm putting flowers on my red beamer no Rolls Royce and hiring a co-worker ($50), found a cheap DJ ($500 compared ot $2000), getting my veil favor and tiara freefrom my mom who bought in the philippines, found a shuttle for $162 for 50 people as oposed to 900
I am extremely frugal, I say stand your ground, it is your wedding, you need to do what is best, I agree the bridesmaids should not be fighting over the style of the dress, they agreed to be your bridesmaid so they need to suck it up; if worse comes to worse, then they need to step down, harsh but like the others said they should not be causing this tensiion for you. I am completely the same way, my mom calls me cheap it hurts my feelings but you know what I've never been in debt my whole life except ince when I moved because of my frugal ways, and I am great find great deals, it's an art' if that is you and beyond your comfort level you need to stay string. Now if your birdesmaid are that adamant, then maybe they can chip in for tyour students dresses, we'll see how they feel about it then.
I'm having a similar dilemma, I'm paying for my sisters gown and all her daughters who are flowergirls my sister isnt well off and I want them to look nice; we found a great dress on sale for only $80 and it suits her body type and she loves it, she want to shop some more but I have a feeling this dress is the one for her, and its so hard to find a style that suits you that you love plus at a great price on sale, I dont know some peopel just have a great concept of money, I love my sister, but every dollar counts, it may not be on sale anymore and gone!
Good luck, stay true to yourself, you'll be much happier off
If the girls actually are willing to spend an extra $200 on a bridesmaid dress...LET THEM. :-) Maybe the girls don't all need the same dress?
Honestly, there is a big, big difference between Target and J.Crew. The j.crew dresses will look different, and probably better no matter what.
I don't think you should feel pressured though, its your wedding. However, $200 for a bridesmaid dress isn't that terrible either. Girls are supposed to understand that becoming a bridesmaid means payinf for your dress! I was in a wedding and recently paid over $300 for a dress that wasn't me at all! :-)
Seriously, if two are more willing to pay more for a j.crew dress... just let them!
OK girls, I'm going to try to post pics of 2 of the dresses we're looking at for comparison. The first one is the JCrew (but it would be in black) and the second one is Target. Sorry it's so small--Target's website didn't want to let me save it, so this is the biggest pic I could find...but you can get at least an idea. And it actually looks cuter than this on my girls.
So, I absolutely agree that the J Crew one is better quality and will last better in the long run. However, I think the Target one is just fine and looks cute, and it's my wedding, right? If I think it looks good, it should be ok! I know this is what most of you are saying too...
I'm just starting to get more annoyed with one of the BMs over it--I told them last night that I'm not sure if I feel comfortable with making the other girls order the dress that THEY decided they like better, so one of them said (without me suggesting it) "well then, maybe you should just let us wear whatever we want, and if they have to get something cheap they can." Yes, I was thinking about possibly doing that, but who is she to say that?? Especially since when she got married a couple years ago, she made all her BMs buy the same ($250, pepto bismol pink) dress that didn't fit half of them (bigger girls with bigger chests plus tight strapless dresses...) and she complained a ton then about people not wanting to buy the one she chose. (VENT, sorry).
Thanks to everyone for all the comments so far!
(first attempt to post pics, hope this works...)
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I like the a-line of the target one better, actually. I feel like it might be more fun for a wedding.
And I have to say, your BM's are not endearing themselves to me from what you're saying. I think you should stick with your guns and tell them to let up.
I have never heard of a bridesmaid being annoyed that they'll only have to pay $30 for their dress and actually go out willingly and pick out one that costs hundreds more lol. This is wacky!
My thoughts:
You are the bride. Explain to them, don't name names, that some BMs can't afford everything they can and that you are trying to be considerate. In the mean time you might actually purchase the target dress, and bring it to J. Crew to compare and see how they look together. If they look okay next to each other.
the target one looks great; I buy clothes because they look good and have a nice fit not because its more expensive- and I still get compliments on my attire whether it's $10, 425 or 440 or more, I still say go with your gut, sounds like you really want to accomodate your buddies from grad school by all means do, if your bridesmaids aren't happy then they gitta suck it up; stop bending back to please others, if you want to be considerate of your other friends then go for it
you may have to prepare yourself with the BMs backing out
If you like the dress, then go with the one from Target. They'll get over it.
But if it bothers you that they think it looks "cheap", I am sure you could another black dress...I know Nordstrom's always has dresses on sale (and a lot of them are black), also places like banana republic or white house black market have great black dresses and you could order these online, and they are not super expensive and won't look like traditional black dresses.
I have to say I actuallly like the style of the Target one better and I would say that whether or not I knew the price.
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I like he Target dress better too. Just my style, I guess. Out of curiosity, what are the materials?
I'm actually bothered by, " so one of them said (without me suggesting it) "well then, maybe you should just let us wear whatever we want, and if they have to get something cheap they can."". Wow! I think I said it before, but I'll say it again. this is really coming off snobbish to me. I'm getting the impression, they are going to really look down on these girls. And being discreet? Forget it.
Guest #1: "So BM why are all the BMs in two different dresses?"
J Crew BM: "Well some of us want nice dresses and others are too poor. So they got theirs at Target! (Thunderous laughter).
Other J Crew Bm: "Yeah, Greta thought they were cute. (Gag.) We weren't going to be caught dead in them."
I'm all for allowing Bms some say in a dress that they have to wear. Too much money? Is the fit all wrong? Need someting a bit more modest? But not this. I would tell them how it is, and to suck it up.
I am kind of annoyed by the thought of the BMs trying to override your decision on this. Hello, you are the BRIDE! Part of being a BM is agreeing to wear what the bride picks!
In this case I might go for emotional honesty and see if they relate to that. I imagine this is causing you some stress and worry when that is the last thing you need! So maybe tell them, nicely 'Hey, it kind of hurts that you guys are turning down the dress I picked out and wanted.' Sometimes people respond better when they see what you're feeling.
Update:
I did end up talking to these two BMs (let's call them E and K)--they were both like, um, ok, but then E called me back a little bit later and was really sweet and said essentially "we did really like that dress but I understand where you're coming from and I'll be happy to wear whatever you want." So that really made me feel a lot better, and though K hasn't said this same thing (and she's the one who's been making most of the snarky comments) E also told me that K's father-in-law has been having some health problems lately and she might just be stressed about it. SO, although honestly (sadly) this whole thing isn't completely out of character for her, she's really not a bad person or anything, and I'm hoping that it will blow over. Argh- why do weddings seem to turn things that should really not be drama into such a big mess?
I have pretty much decided that I do want them all in the same dress for reasons lots of you have mentioned (the nicer dress is obviously nicer when compared to the not so nice dress, but either is fine on its own) and we're exploring some other options, like White House Black Market (still more $ than I think is completely comfortable for the other girls, but closer to a good price range) and "fancying up" the Target dress somehow.
I'll let you know what happens!
if they are so stuck on the other dresses, (and i doubt that they would say yes to this) tell them that they can foot the bill for the other dresses. That would piss me off to no end, as I can barely afford a target dress, lol. I'm trying to help out the BM's and go with a cheaper (not lower quality, just reasonably priced) dress that they can wear again, so it's not a waste of money. So I'm hoping for under 100! I'm pretty annoyed that the last wedding I was in, she picked this total bridesmaid dress, and it's purple (i hate purple to no end!), and I have no idea when I can wear it again, oh wait, yea i do, NEVER!
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If they think inexpensive = cheap make them read the 2000 dollar budget wedding blog or Offbeat Bride. I'd be tickled pink over a $30 dress. You do what you like.
I say say yourself the stress and just let them buy whatever LBD they like. They probably even have a nice LBD that they already own!
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