Bridesmaids who do not want to participate

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
2354 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

JillMilcaddy:  Ugh…I feel you.  I’m having similar issues with on BM who’s a new mom and is not really being very amenable to my MOH’s planning process.  I’m finding it very difficult to do, but we need to just stay out of it.  As brides, we have enough on our plates, at least, I know I do!  They’re all adults, let them scuffle it out.  It sucks, though.  

Post # 4
6796 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You can’t force someone to plan a party. Your bridesmaids are all being childish by bickering about it. Tell them all that the ones who want to plan will do the planning without forcing the others to plan (seriously, planning parties sucks and a lot of people hate it), and tell them all to knock it off with the cat fights.

Post # 6
6155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you’re so hurt by this but not all the bridesmaids have to help plan everything. Shoot, my MOH wasn’t even able to attend my bridal shower and I was perfectly ok with it. They have lives outside of your wedding and that’s ok. The other girls are being childish and causing you stress by tattling on the other 2 girls. The only reason they should have told you about that is if you specifically asked. They shouldn’t come running to you to bitch about it.

Post # 7
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015


Oh wow, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this!

My BMs are starting to bicker and divide as well. I’ve found there’s something about weddings that bring out the worst in people.

I agree with the other PPs, there is a lot of immaturity going on here, and they do not have to help with wedding events if they don’t want to. But really… who accepts to be a BM if they don’t want to be involved in any wedding stuff? That’s dumb.

Sounds like you’ll still be having a party, so try to enjoy it. It’ll all be over in 6-7 months.

Post # 10
45162 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

JillMilcaddy:  There is an expectation that all bridesmaids will share in planning and responsibilities

Perhaps that is the root of the problem? There is a chance that these two bridesmaids on one side, and your other BM’s and you on the other side, simply have different expectations about their roles.

Some people think that the only responsibility is to show up in the dress on the day of the wedding.

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Post # 11
724 posts
Busy bee

JillMilcaddy:  I’ve never heard of that expectation.  I was the MOH in a friend’s wedding and I was solely responsible for planning (and paying for) the shower.  Not a single one of the BMs offered to chip in.  In fact, I didn’t even hear from them until they RSVPed yes to their invites.  Didn’t question it, I was the one who said I’d do it so it was my job.  The BMs who want to help will help, but it’s not “everyone’s” job to pitch in unless they offer.  

Post # 12
6796 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

JillMilcaddy:  there’s no expectation that signing on to be a bridesmaid means you’re agreeing to do party planning, make DIY/crafty projects, set up reception spaces, or any other stuff like that. If someone offers, that’s fantastic, but as brides we all have to realize that #1 this is our wedding, not theirs, so planning it is our responsibility, #2 a lot of those tasks are really unattractive to many women (I had to help a bride shove candies into wee lace bags for favors once… 300 guests… That was pretty much torture for me and I only did it because the Maid of honor shouted at me when I said no thanks), and #3 if someone declines to take part in shopping for the bride’s gown or checking out bridal expos or whatever, it doesn’t make them a bad person. The bridesmaids are there as honored guests, and as a great emotional support system, not as Personal Assistants.

If you want your bridesmaids to be in your happy bubble, don’t give them jobs.

Post # 15
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

JillMilcaddy:  I think the first thing that needs to happen is that brides need to move away from this notion that the bridal party are your free labor to do whatever you want. Now, before I get jumped on, I’m not saying you’re making your BM’s do everything for your wedding. However, parties are not a requirement, they’re a nice gesture but not necessary. Just like it’s not your BM’s job to assemble your favors or folk napkins or DIY decor. Have you actually taken the time to TALK to your sister about why she isn’t involved? How do you know she’s being rude? Because someone said she was or because you heard it from her mouth directly? Not everyone is into this kind of stuff, and maybe she politely declined helping and they gave her an attitude and she reciprocated back? Look, I personally can’t imagine not being involved in my sister’s wedding but I also understand that there are two sides to every story.

My own SIL (although at the time of my wedding she and my bro weren’t even engaged, just dating) was offended that I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. We weren’t close and it had never crossed my mind. However, she also didn’t attend my bridal shower or bachelorette, and at no point did she ever even ask how things were going to check in to see if I needed any help. I didn’t, and I wasn’t offended in the least. My point is, outside of showing up in the dress they are supposed to wear and on time, there are no other jobs or requirements of a bridal party.

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