- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
Hi Bees, I need some support & insight from the hive.
This is something that happened almost 2 years ago, and I’m still not 100% over it because I fret that I did something ‘wrong’. Got a few minutes to lend an ear? Okay…
When I met my BF Drew, we were living in different states. He was living with Brock, a friend from high school. They weren’t particularly close, it’s just that Brock is kind of co-dependent. The guys even worked at the same company. They also lived with Becky, Brock’s GF, until I moved to town. Then Drew and I got our own place, and Becky & Brock got their own. Becky seemed nice, and I was very happy when she started wanting to hang out all the time. Then it began to get a little weird…she had short blonde, curly hair, and she had it dyed, relaxed, and got extensions to look like my long, straight chestnut hair. She also started dressing like me. But I told myself ‘imitation is the highest form of flattery’ and tried to look past it. She started calling me her best friend and I thought it was premature, but I didn’t dissuade her either, since I didn’t have many female friends in town yet.
On our 1 year anniversary of moving in together, Drew and I bought a home and became engaged. I wasn’t expecting it at all, but I knew he was The One, and of course said yes! He asked me to keep it secret from all of our friends and family for the next three weeks because he was involved in a project with Brock at work. He knew if Becky found out that we’d gotten engaged before them, she would flip out. She’d been dating Brock for 3 years now, and talked openly about getting engaged, even suggesting places he ought to ask her, ways he ought to ask her. When he bought a new TV, Becky actually said, “Now, Brock…aren’t you supposed to be saving for something else?” So that shows you what she’s like. Anway, Drew was concerned that if Becky & Brock got into a fight, they would break up, and the project would suffer. Three weeks and one day later, Drew and I made our announcement. Our families were thrilled and very happy for us. And wouldn’t you know, Becky freaked out. Exactly as Drew predicted, she dumped Brock, moved out, then got back together with him. A few months later, they were engaged as well.
Drew and I had been engaged for a few months by this point and we hadn’t made many wedding decisions. Unfortunately, my family is ‘complicated’, and my father was offended that Drew’s family wanted to pay half the wedding costs. My mother about had an aneurism when I told her I didn’t want a bouquet because then I’d have to drag it around all day. I started to realize that I wouldn’t have the wedding I wanted if my parents were involved in planning it. It wasn’t about the money. For them, it was about control. All I wanted was their love, respect, and support for Drew and I, but they couldn’t handle it. We weren’t planning anything insane. We just weren’t doing things ‘their way’. Rather than fight them tooth and nail over every ribbon and bow, we told my parents that we would pay for the wedding ourselves, and do it our way. I was 31 at the time, had been living on my own since 20, and hadn’t taken money from my parents since college. I was definitely old enough to make my own decisions. Drew and I made a commitment to avoid further drama at all costs, and we decided we wanted NO bridal party. We wanted our wedding day to be intimate, and all about the two of us, and our lives together.
Becky, on the other hand, wanted everything over the top, and I started to realize she was one of those girls who’s more concerned about the wedding than who she would be wedded to. She’d been engaged one week and was already starting to have anxiety attacks about plans. She and Brock asked Drew and I to be in the wedding party, and we were happy to accept. Becky told me that her bridesmaid’s dresses were going to be over $400 each, and that price didn’t include the shoes, bolero jacket, or other matching accessories. I felt that was a bit steep for a dress I’d only wear once, esp if I was to also help pay for her bachelorette party, bridal shower, and a wedding gift, not to mention pay for my own wedding AND the house that Drew and I had just bought, but whatever. She’s a friend, and friends do what they have to do, right?
The real problem began when I very politely told a mutual friend of mine and Brock’s that bragging about her income was a bit tacky. She and I had gone out for lunch, and the girl had gotten drunk (as she so often does on early weekday afternoons) and gone on and on about how rich she was. Within ten minutes of me sending her the private message, she wrote back a 3 page reply about how I was dead to her now. Then she trashed me on Facebook so that all our mutual friends, including my future MIL could see what she had to say. My own MIL warned me not to read it. She said “Oh, Sloane, don’t you ever talk to that nasty, vindictive girl again!” I was upset, though I didn’t read what was said besides “With friends like these, who needs enemies”, but what happened next was even worse.
For some unexplainable reason, Becky friended this heinous, trash-talking photographer and was openly making wedding plans on Facebook for pictures! When I tried to text Becky about it, she blew me off. She’d never done this before. Finally I called her and her voice sounded like a different person. It was cold, icy, and chilly. It made me feel sick. She told me that she and Brock had both agreed to have this nasty girl be their wedding photographer, because she’d offered to do their photos for free! Being in the wedding party, I didn’t want to have to smile into the lens of the nasty girl’s camera, not when she told me and everyone we knew on Facebook that I was dirt to her! I told Becky that I understood she liked this girl’s style, but that we lived in a city with dozens of talented photographers to choose from. I told her that if this girl had treated Becky the same way she treated me, I’d never for a second even consider having her be my photographer, let alone present at my wedding.
Becky acknowledged that the girl had treated me horribly, but insisted that she and Brock had made their choice, and that I needed to deal with it, if only for one day. But in my eyes, it’s not just one day. It’s knowing for an entire year that I’m going to be bossed around by this heinous photographer. After being raised by manipulative control freaks, I’d finally learned to stop being a doormat. I tried to be sensitive to Becky’s wedding plans, but also maintain my own dignity. I asked Becky if she would mind me being a regular guest at her wedding, rather than a bridesmaid. No dress had been ordered yet, and this way I could celebrate her day and avoid the photographer. I thought I was being reasonable, finding a good compromise. Then Becky said, “If that’s how you feel about it, I don’t want you at our wedding at all!”
I was shocked, hurt, upset, angry, confused, and I finally yelled at her “Thanks for showing me what kind of person you really are!” I hung up the phone and burst into tears. A few mintues later, Brock texted Drew, asking if he was still going to be a groomsman. Drew replied, “After the way you just treated my fiance, there’s no chance of that happening.” That’s the last we heard from the couple, and Becky quickly blocked us of Facebook. We unfriended Brock. Twelve years of Drew and Brock’s friendship, and it ended over this. Drew and I were so utterly blown away at the situation. Even his mother couldn’t believe it. She’d known Brock for over a decade, and known Becky as long as Drew had. None of us saw it coming. But it happened. A bridezilla ate our friends.
Drew and I got through the next year together, one day at a time, and we focused on building our lives and filling our home with love instead of negativity. We took back our wedding day and made it our own by eloping. For all you Bees out there, if your family is ‘complicated’, I can’t recommend eloping enough! We had the most relaxing, stress-free wedding we could have ever hoped for, and many happy memories! We also found a kind, and talented photographer who captured our special day. We’ve now been married over a year and a half and I still feel as happy as the day we first got engaged, as the day we first said “I love you.” We have no debt other than our mortgage payment, and our careers are much improved from where they were a couple years ago. We are really solid in our marriage.
While in my head I know that Becky was not a good friend to me, my heart doesn’t understand why. Maybe it never will. Was Becky jealous of us, because Drew and I were always ‘that cute couple’ laughing, hugging or holding hands in public, and they never were? Was it because Drew and I got engaged first, and I never once hinted to him about where or how he ought to ask? I just don’t know. I do believe that brides, like every other human being, should treat others as they would like to be treated. I’m not friends with divas…it’s great for reality TV but not for my spirit. When I hear “I’m the bride, it’s MY DAY, so MY WAY!”, I want to punch something. Being engaged doesn’t entitle anyone to treat people like dirt. Personally, I think girls like Becky ought to be ashamed, but they haven’t got enough class to know better. Most of the time I don’t even think about this, but every now and then a tiny voice nags me and wonders if I should have just let the bride have everything she wanted, even if it required me to be a doormat.
What do you think?