Bringing up the past in relationships?

posted 3 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

@veryberry13:  MY rules when arguing are: to focus on the issue at hand (don’t turn it into a tirade about how many things are wrong), how it makes me feel (concentrate on my feelings instead of blaming), and not bring up the past (that doesn’t do anyone any good).

 

I understand how you felt defensive and felt like you had to explain yourself. But, it sounds like that wasn’t the best reaction. 

 

I think sometimes we (me most definitely) have to swallow our pride and just say, “yep, but look at how far we’ve come and I love you.” or something else that will diffuse the situation. That’s something I try to improve on in my relationship. 

 

I do understand why you reacted that way, though, and it’s a natural reaction. 

 

Post # 5
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Some guys think they’re being.. Smart or witty. I have had to deal with comments similar to “You used to be like that/do that/ say that” and in all cases FI was trying to be a smart ass.   I believe it is NOT ok to bring up the past, whats in the past should remain there.  When my FI makes these kind of comments I simply give him a dirty look and tell him to leave it because dragging up the past will muck up any progress we’ve made, that usually stops him in his tracks completely.

Post # 7
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

The past is the past. You can’t change it because someone else gets mad about something you’ve done or haven’t done, you can only learn from your mistakes and move on.  That’s what I’d say to him. 

Post # 8
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

@veryberry13:  I know, right? I’m always trying to explain to DH that I react to his actions. You do something crappy to me? I act crappy to you. You’re nice to me, I’m nice to you. I get that. And I’m soooo stubborn and it’s so hard for me to admit fault, but I’m really trying to work on it. I totally get it, though! I promise!

 

Post # 9
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve also brought up past situations before, but it’s because I didn’t mention them when they were bothering me at the time, which is a no-no.  So I’m working on that.  SO’s really good about not bringing up ways I’ve messed up before so I try to do him the same courtesy.

I react to his actions, but mostly I try to take a more gentle approach – if he does/says something awful I try to explain why what he did was crappy.  If I just explode, he’ll be confused (because, honestly, the man is clueless sometimes) and he’ll just explode with me.  Sometimes I need to cool down first before I can gather my wits enough to articulate why I’m pissed, but either way I try not to just explode because that doesn’t work well. >.<

Post # 10
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Meh… we have both done this I think.  Not cool at all, but we’re working on it.

My biggest issue in the beginning was bringing up HIS past.  Ask me if that did anyone any favors. 😛

Post # 11
Member
6504 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I hate it when DH brings up the p, especially when it’s something I’ve been working in and haven’t actually done recently (like using a certain tone of voice). Then again, I know I’m certainly guilty of bringing up the past as well.

I try to just ignore it and tell him that things have changed since then and I that I don’t appreciate him bringing up a past problem that we have already talked about/solved.

You probably shouldn’t have brought up his past but I can see why you did and hindsight is 20/20. In the future just tell him the past is the past and you don’t want him to bring it up if it’s already been solved.

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