Post # 1
We were watching divorce court today on our lunch break and the topic of trust came up on the show.
SO then said…’You used to be like that’.
He really upset me when he said this. I then started to fight back, and I explained the things he did that caused this (Like the time I caught him hanging out with his ex, we worked through it, but yeah, still bothers me to an extent).
He accused me then of bringing up the past-and I bluntly told him that he started this and I’m only fighting back to defend myself. He got quiet and it was over.
I’m upset though! WTH did he just bring this up when we’ve come so far (this was almost 3 years ago!?!)? Is this okay? How would you guys handle this?
Post # 3
@veryberry13: MY rules when arguing are: to focus on the issue at hand (don’t turn it into a tirade about how many things are wrong), how it makes me feel (concentrate on my feelings instead of blaming), and not bring up the past (that doesn’t do anyone any good).
I understand how you felt defensive and felt like you had to explain yourself. But, it sounds like that wasn’t the best reaction.
I think sometimes we (me most definitely) have to swallow our pride and just say, “yep, but look at how far we’ve come and I love you.” or something else that will diffuse the situation. That’s something I try to improve on in my relationship.
I do understand why you reacted that way, though, and it’s a natural reaction.
Post # 5
Some guys think they’re being.. Smart or witty. I have had to deal with comments similar to “You used to be like that/do that/ say that” and in all cases FI was trying to be a smart ass. I believe it is NOT ok to bring up the past, whats in the past should remain there. When my FI makes these kind of comments I simply give him a dirty look and tell him to leave it because dragging up the past will muck up any progress we’ve made, that usually stops him in his tracks completely.
Post # 6
@btothez: I guess that is a good point…I just feel like in some ways that is admitting fault and perhaps I am having a stubborn moment…Like…his actions caused a reaction lol. I don’t appreciate feeling like some crazy psycho woman when I honestly felt justified in my feelings.
I do need to learn how to swallow my pride more and diffuse situations better. It’s honestly only this one topic that can be a hot button topic for me.
Post # 7
The past is the past. You can’t change it because someone else gets mad about something you’ve done or haven’t done, you can only learn from your mistakes and move on. That’s what I’d say to him.
Post # 8
@veryberry13: I know, right? I’m always trying to explain to DH that I react to his actions. You do something crappy to me? I act crappy to you. You’re nice to me, I’m nice to you. I get that. And I’m soooo stubborn and it’s so hard for me to admit fault, but I’m really trying to work on it. I totally get it, though! I promise!
Post # 9
I’ve also brought up past situations before, but it’s because I didn’t mention them when they were bothering me at the time, which is a no-no. So I’m working on that. SO’s really good about not bringing up ways I’ve messed up before so I try to do him the same courtesy.
I react to his actions, but mostly I try to take a more gentle approach – if he does/says something awful I try to explain why what he did was crappy. If I just explode, he’ll be confused (because, honestly, the man is clueless sometimes) and he’ll just explode with me. Sometimes I need to cool down first before I can gather my wits enough to articulate why I’m pissed, but either way I try not to just explode because that doesn’t work well. >.<
Post # 10
Meh… we have both done this I think. Not cool at all, but we’re working on it.
My biggest issue in the beginning was bringing up HIS past. Ask me if that did anyone any favors. 😛
Post # 11
I hate it when DH brings up the p, especially when it’s something I’ve been working in and haven’t actually done recently (like using a certain tone of voice). Then again, I know I’m certainly guilty of bringing up the past as well.
I try to just ignore it and tell him that things have changed since then and I that I don’t appreciate him bringing up a past problem that we have already talked about/solved.
You probably shouldn’t have brought up his past but I can see why you did and hindsight is 20/20. In the future just tell him the past is the past and you don’t want him to bring it up if it’s already been solved.
Post # 12
@rickhurst35: That’s a good point, I suppose I can just say that next time.
@btothez: Thanks for not making me feel like I’m the only stubborn person sometimes I really feel like I’m alone in that haha!
@ChicFoodist: I did try to not explode….but I have a hard time taking that moment to cool down. I know that when I left it, I wanted to keep pressing him as to why he would even bring that up. I am still a little upset about it…I suppose that’s why I wrote this out…It’s taking everything I can to not do something childish and call him on it later when I get home LOL (and I won’t do this, but I wonder why he did this!)
@mrs_pudding_pop: ha! His past before you or his past actions in the relationship?
@MrsBeck: Thanks for your advice. Maybe just plain ignoring it would be best.
Post # 13
Post # 14
@mrs_pudding_pop: Yeah….that would bother me too. On the first bday of mine we shared together…my SO shared a story of going to strip club (what?!?!?), it’s like I was his first real GF or something. I called him out and said I don’t need to hear stuff like that, and he apologized and dropped it. He’s had other stories too but now that we have more history together, he has other stories to share I suppose and not stories about being 19-24 anymore lol!