There are a lot of other things that go into being in someone's wedding, as Angee524 said. The other thing is the shower. Usually the bridal party pays for that, and it is expensive. But even hotel rooms, travel, hair, nails, makeup, gifts on top of everything, its a lot more than just being a guest. A lot of times brides just assume its just the dress. The average cost for a bridesmaid is upwards of $1000. That really is a lot of money, when you just want to be a part of someone's wedding day. The only thing I required from my bm's was the dress. I paid for their hair & makeup if they wanted it done, I wouldn't let them throw a bachelorette party, we just went out for dinner and drinks, and my mom helped with the shower. ANything else was their choice. And even the dress I tried for 8 months to find the cheapest dresses I could find - apparently I have picky bridesmaids - they wouldn't wear any of them, so they picked watters. I had two bigger girls, and you really can't find regular dresses at the mall for girls over size 14, so it had to be bridesmaid dresses. Anyway, while you might be thinking "the only thing they have to get is the dress", there are a lot more things involved.
For me, all my maids had previously been maids before and knew what it entailed. This made it easier for me to say "Look, you knew what you were getting into and the general cost of things."
ANd I did have one maid who'd been in 7 weddings and was acting like I should pick everything up for her because she suddenly couldn't afford it.
I would explain to them you're feeling bad about it, tell them what you told us about taking them and their wallets into consideration while planning - but don't change anything for your day because of this. I'm sure if there was a killer concert they had been dying to see for years came to town and tickets were only on sale for 1 day they would find $300 to go in a hearbeat.
Don't sacrifice your dream to help them, if you're already being reasonable, then talking to them to make sure there's no hard feelings is all you can do. Making sure to say "I'm sorry I should have told you more what this BM thing entailed" maybe if they know you're choosing items on the lower end of the cost lladder they will feel better. If they know so little about being a BM...that could really help :=)
Tallbride - I think you've got enough comments to figure out a solution -
I wanted to toss my 2 cents in. Not directed at you, but at any bride.
I've been on the flip side of this as well and it ruined a friendship I'd had with the bride. First there was an engagement party expected gift (which I'd never heard of in the Midwest), then there was paying for a "handmade" bridesmaid dress, travel to the wedding, shower gift, bachelorette gift and wedding gift. Somewhere in the process and poor communication, I got fired from being a BM. When I couldn't afford the trip to the wedding and my own lodging and rental car, things fell apart.
I think that if "your dream" includes having these girls as your bridesmaids, then one needs to make concessions to make things as reasonable as possible, especially if this is their first time being a bridesmaid.
I think it's important to remember that these girls could just be attending your wedding, not having a "duty" during the evening and hanging out as long as they'd like, but as a bridesmaid they're essentially paying to be a part of the party, having to help with the event, and having to be there for each moment/party/shower. It is an honor to be asked to be someone's bridesmaid, but that doesn't mean it isn't expensive, a time commitment, or a lot of work too.
I was recently in a situation like this. The bride was much more wealthy than me, so when it came to the weekend retreat in Carmel, CA in a luxury house, with a spa day and a 5 star restaurant to follow, along with a night of clubbing the cost of the bachelorette weekend alone was going to run me >$600!
I was not MOH, so I compromised to spend the day with the girls, paid for part of the bride's spa day and some of the food. I didn't stay overnight or go to the fancy dinner or the clubbing to save some cash.
My friend was so understanding that I couldn't afford all of this on my resident's salary and that I had the additional burden of traveling 750 miles to get to her. I tried to make up for it by getting her great shower, bachelorette and wedding gifts. The hardest part for me is that the MOH was the person I had to mostly communicate with about this stuff, and she just did not understand where I was coming from. The important thing, though, is that my friend *did* understand, and that was all that mattered to me.
There are a lot of other things that go into being in someone's wedding, as Angee524 said. The other thing is the shower. Usually the bridal party pays for that, and it is expensive. But even hotel rooms, travel, hair, nails, makeup, gifts on top of everything, its a lot more than just being a guest. A lot of times brides just assume its just the dress. The average cost for a bridesmaid is upwards of $1000. That really is a lot of money, when you just want to be a part of someone's wedding day. The only thing I required from my bm's was the dress. I paid for their hair & makeup if they wanted it done, I wouldn't let them throw a bachelorette party, we just went out for dinner and drinks, and my mom helped with the shower. ANything else was their choice. And even the dress I tried for 8 months to find the cheapest dresses I could find - apparently I have picky bridesmaids - they wouldn't wear any of them, so they picked watters. I had two bigger girls, and you really can't find regular dresses at the mall for girls over size 14, so it had to be bridesmaid dresses. Anyway, while you might be thinking "the only thing they have to get is the dress", there are a lot more things involved.
posted by dreambml 425 posts 4 months agoFor me, all my maids had previously been maids before and knew what it entailed. This made it easier for me to say "Look, you knew what you were getting into and the general cost of things."
ANd I did have one maid who'd been in 7 weddings and was acting like I should pick everything up for her because she suddenly couldn't afford it.
I would explain to them you're feeling bad about it, tell them what you told us about taking them and their wallets into consideration while planning - but don't change anything for your day because of this. I'm sure if there was a killer concert they had been dying to see for years came to town and tickets were only on sale for 1 day they would find $300 to go in a hearbeat.
Don't sacrifice your dream to help them, if you're already being reasonable, then talking to them to make sure there's no hard feelings is all you can do. Making sure to say "I'm sorry I should have told you more what this BM thing entailed" maybe if they know you're choosing items on the lower end of the cost lladder they will feel better. If they know so little about being a BM...that could really help :=)
posted by Sweeney2Be 1,488 posts 4 months agoTallbride - I think you've got enough comments to figure out a solution -
I wanted to toss my 2 cents in. Not directed at you, but at any bride.
I've been on the flip side of this as well and it ruined a friendship I'd had with the bride. First there was an engagement party expected gift (which I'd never heard of in the Midwest), then there was paying for a "handmade" bridesmaid dress, travel to the wedding, shower gift, bachelorette gift and wedding gift. Somewhere in the process and poor communication, I got fired from being a BM. When I couldn't afford the trip to the wedding and my own lodging and rental car, things fell apart.
I think that if "your dream" includes having these girls as your bridesmaids, then one needs to make concessions to make things as reasonable as possible, especially if this is their first time being a bridesmaid.
I think it's important to remember that these girls could just be attending your wedding, not having a "duty" during the evening and hanging out as long as they'd like, but as a bridesmaid they're essentially paying to be a part of the party, having to help with the event, and having to be there for each moment/party/shower. It is an honor to be asked to be someone's bridesmaid, but that doesn't mean it isn't expensive, a time commitment, or a lot of work too.
posted by HappiestOne 97 posts 4 months agoI was recently in a situation like this. The bride was much more wealthy than me, so when it came to the weekend retreat in Carmel, CA in a luxury house, with a spa day and a 5 star restaurant to follow, along with a night of clubbing the cost of the bachelorette weekend alone was going to run me >$600!
I was not MOH, so I compromised to spend the day with the girls, paid for part of the bride's spa day and some of the food. I didn't stay overnight or go to the fancy dinner or the clubbing to save some cash.
My friend was so understanding that I couldn't afford all of this on my resident's salary and that I had the additional burden of traveling 750 miles to get to her. I tried to make up for it by getting her great shower, bachelorette and wedding gifts. The hardest part for me is that the MOH was the person I had to mostly communicate with about this stuff, and she just did not understand where I was coming from. The important thing, though, is that my friend *did* understand, and that was all that mattered to me.
posted by doctorgirl 151 posts 4 months ago