Post # 1
I think I need reassurance that I’m not crazy more than actual advice. I’m trying to find the courage to break off an engagement to a wonderful man. My fiance is a great person- he’s just not my person. Everyone loves him- my friends, family, everyone that meets him because he’s just a nice guy but we shouldn’t have gotten engaged in the first place. We’ve been together for over 3 years and lived together for 2 years as well- so it just seemed like the natural thing to do. But right before he proposed, I was seriously considering breaking up with him. We have no spark left in our relationship. We spend most of our time apart- I’m busy with work, and when I come home, we sit in seperate rooms because we honestly don’t have much to say to each other and we don’t have much in common either. I tried for a long time to make an effort to spend more time with him and everything just felt forced. He proposed because he felt like he was loosing me and it was a terrible idea for me to say yes to that.
My problem is, this isn’t the first time I’ve broken off an engagement. I’ve done this twice before. Once, when I was 18 to my high school sweet heart because I was waaaay too young and had dreams and aspirations- like going away to college, etc. That one felt right and I never looked back. The second time, it was my college boyfriend who proposed because he was in the army and it was the only way we could live together- we had only been together less than a year and even though we planned most of our wedding, I ended up deciding that it wasn’t right for me and I never looked back or regretted that one either. I feel like there is something wrong with me though- why am I always doing this to myself? The only thing I can say is that there is always a pattern- men are afraid of loosing me so they propose, thinking it will keep me there long term. I just, for once, want someone to want to marry me because they love me and that’s it. Period. Is that so much to ask?
Anyway- things are complicated- I feel embarassed because I’ve done this before and my parents always spend so much time and money planning things for us. I feel horrible about the possibility of breaking his heart and loosing him forever but I can’t live in this constant state of mediocre. Everything is just blah and most of the time, I don’t even want to be in the same room as him.
Has anyone ever felt this way before? Am I over reacting? Is there truly something wrong with me that makes me so scared to commit?
Post # 2
If you have that many doubts, breaking it off is the most loving thing you can do. Your FI deserves to find a woman who is crazy about him & can’t wait to be his wife.
Do you think counseling would help?
Post # 3
How old are you? It may be that you’re just too young or that you don’t really know who you are or what you want in life.
Do you really want to find the right guy and get married at this point in your life, or are you experimenting with dating-living together-engagement because it seems to be what everyone else around you is doing?
I didn’t feel ready to settle down until I was well into my 30s. I don’t regret taking my time because I enjoyed my years of running wild and free and not being tied down.
Have you always lived in the same place and hung out with the same people — or have you moved away from home to go to college? Have you ever lived by yourself or have you always had a room-mate? Sometimes what looks like “fear of commitment” is really just the need to establish yourself as a fully independent adult before you settle down. There is nothing wrong with that.
Not everyone is cut from the same cloth, so don’t compare yourself to others and what they are doing. Follow your own path.
Do you have access to counseling? A therapist could probably help you get this sorted out.
Post # 4
BelliniChic: I don’t think that is the issue- I’m 27 years old, I have a good sense of who I am, what I want out of life, an amazing career, wonderful friends and family..I have no other complaints in life except what is lacking in my relationship. 🙁
Post # 5
OK, I see.
Well in that case I think you are at the perfect age to start over. You’re still young and there are plenty of guys out there. Based on your past experiences — going off to college, starting off a great career, and having several committed relationships under your belt — you have more self awareness than ever now.
My advice would be to take your time picking the next guy. Don’t rush into anything because you may feel lonely sometimes or miss having a boyfriend. Take your time and make sure that you have real character compatibility with the next guy you settle down with. Because then it will work out and you won’t want to break the engagement.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing that your previous engagements didn’t work out. It’s a good thing because it led you to the place where you are now. It sounds like you now have the maturity and experience to choose well.
And this pattern you’re speaking of — where the guys keep proposing because they don’t want to lose you — just proves that you’re so wonderful, any man would be lucky to have you. Right?
Post # 6
Also, don’t feel embarrassed!
And in answer to your question at the bottom of your original post, no, I don’t think you are overreacting. The feelings you’re describing are red flags. Your intuition is telling you not to go forward with this. It’s a lot easier to break an engagement and cancel a wedding than it is to get a divorce.
It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or he’s a bad person. It just means that you two were not “meant to be.”
Hang in there!
Post # 7
BelliniChic: Thank you so much for your wonderful post- it really made me feel at ease.
Post # 8
I think there’s definitely something going on for sure. While its not uncommon to have a broken engagement, I think most people would consider three above average.
Not saying you shouldn’t break it off or that you’re awful if you do. However I do think seeing a professional wouldn’t hurt as there obviously a pattern now.
Either way, your fiance should know what’s going on with you right away. A lot of couples go through periods of stagnation. Maybe it can be worked out or maybe it can’t, but he should have the chance to choose whether he wants to be in it or not as well.
Post # 9
Hokievettech: break off the engagement now before its too late. I know someone who was in the same boat as you, went through with the wedding hoping things would get better and ended up divorcing 2 years later. Don’t break his heart.
I know you probably feel bad bc you have done this before, but you stay with someone because you feel bad. Yes, you do deserve to be with someone who wants to marry you bc they love you, not bc they are scared to lose you. Thats one of the worst reasons to propose.
I hpoe you find someone thats perfect for you! Goodluck
Post # 10
Hokievettech: At the risk of sounding harsh – welcome to the real world of ups and downs in a relationship. I’ve been married for thirty years and in that time I’ve been in and out of love with my husband more times than I can count and I’m sure the same goes for him. The trick to not divorcing? Sticking it out and remembering how I felt when we first met and knowing that the initial euphoria fades and is replaced by love, respect and a sense of commitment. Marriage has ebbs and flows – sometimes you are head over heals and sometimes you wonder what the heck?! Was there ever a time you were head over heels for this guy? Have you told him how you are feeling? Have you both made a serious attempt to improve the relationship?
It’s not realistic to expect the initial excitement to last forever. It takes work on both your parts to keep things going – and communication is key!
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
Hokievettech: Don’t worry what people say/think. I can assure you that they would find a hell of a lot more to talk about if you were to get married, have a short marriage, and file for divorce than if you were to break it off now. Go with your intuition. It doesn’t seem like the life you’re leading would be a happy life long term. Best of luck to you.
Post # 12
Mrs.Bill: Yes, there was a time, years ago but it was more infatuation than true love I think. True love doesn’t just fade with time- I appreciate the ups and downs, but not wanting to be in the same room as your future husband just doesn’t sound like a good way to start a marriage. I’m not expecting everything to be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but I want to be happy.
Post # 13
Yes, i felt EXACTLY like you’re describing. I felt like I had a roommate, not a husband. I felt so alone all the time. I felt like I would have been less alone if I was single. We went to counseling together and i went on my own for a year. It made me realize even more that we were incompatible and I asked for a divorce. Through counseling he learned exactly what I needed from him, but he couldn’t give it to me. I didn’t want to live half a life, I wanted everything. It was really hard, he was such a nice guy! So loyal, so secure, so dependable, everyone loved him, but I needed more than safe and dependable. I needed passion and sparks and a connection and not to feel so alone I was willing to take the risk. I am with my perfect match now, and it’s amazing. I’m more than 10 years older than you, there’s nothing wrong with you, just not everyone meets their soulmate when they’re 25, I didn’t meet mine until I was late 30’s. Good luck with your decision, and counseling is never a bad idea.
Post # 14
Hokievettech: You’ve had some good advice from PPs so I won’t go on and on, but I just wanted to say I don’t think it sounds like there’s anything wrong with you. You sound very insightful, and like you’ve perhaps had three serious relationships that instead of resulting in the more typical ‘break-up’ ending (which would be very ‘normal’ for someone your age), involved broken engagements, simply because these relationships had premature (for lack of a better word) committments to marriage.
Is it uncommon to have three broken engagements? Yes. Does it mean there’s something seriously wrong with you? Nope. You’re just such a total catch that guys can’t help but profess their undying love and pop the question to you – it’s like the biggest compliment in the world!
As incredibly difficult as it is, it sounds like you know what you have to do here. Assuming you will have new romantic endeavours in your future, perhaps talking about this fairly early on in your relationships and specifically saying what you said in your earlier post (about someone proposing solely because they love you) might be a good way to lay the right groundwork and get on the same page from the get go.
Wishing you the very best of luck. Don’t be a stranger – let us know how you get on!
Post # 15
lionsheart: thank you for this. I’m sorry for what you went through but I’m so glad you are happy now, that’s what is most important.