Broken engagement

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4904 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

If you have that many doubts, breaking it off is the most loving thing you can do.  Your FI deserves to find a woman who is crazy about him & can’t wait to be his wife.

Do you think counseling would help?

Post # 3
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

How old are you? It may be that you’re just too young or that you don’t really know who you are or what you want in life.

Do you really want to find the right guy and get married at this point in your life, or are you experimenting with dating-living together-engagement because it seems to be what everyone else around you is doing?

I didn’t feel ready to settle down until I was well into my 30s. I don’t regret taking my time because I enjoyed my years of running wild and free and not being tied down. 

Have you always lived in the same place and hung out with the same people — or have you moved away from home to go to college? Have you ever lived by yourself or have you always had a room-mate? Sometimes what looks like “fear of commitment” is really just the need to establish yourself as a fully independent adult before you settle down. There is nothing wrong with that.

Not everyone is cut from the same cloth, so don’t compare yourself to others and what they are doing. Follow your own path. 

Do you have access to counseling? A therapist could probably help you get this sorted out. 

 

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

OK, I see.

Well in that case I think you are at the perfect age to start over. You’re still young and there are plenty of guys out there. Based on your past experiences — going off to college, starting off a great career, and having several committed relationships under your belt — you have more self awareness than ever now.

My advice would be to take your time picking the next guy. Don’t rush into anything because you may feel lonely sometimes or miss having a boyfriend. Take your time and make sure that you have real character compatibility with the next guy you settle down with. Because then it will work out and you won’t want to break the engagement.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing that your previous engagements didn’t work out. It’s a good thing because it led you to the place where you are now. It sounds like you now have the maturity and experience to choose well. 

And this pattern you’re speaking of — where the guys keep proposing because they don’t want to lose you — just proves that you’re so wonderful, any man would be lucky to have you. Right? 

🙂

Post # 6
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Also, don’t feel embarrassed! 

And in answer to your question at the bottom of your original post, no, I don’t think you are overreacting. The feelings you’re describing are red flags. Your intuition is telling you not to go forward with this. It’s a lot easier to break an engagement and cancel a wedding than it is to get a divorce.

It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or he’s a bad person. It just means that you two were not “meant to be.” 

Hang in there! 

Post # 8
Member
592 posts
Busy bee

I think there’s definitely something going on for sure. While its not uncommon to have a broken engagement, I think most people would consider three above average. 

Not saying you shouldn’t break it off or that you’re awful if you do. However I do think seeing a professional wouldn’t hurt as there obviously a pattern now. 

Either way, your fiance should know what’s going on with you right away. A lot of couples go through periods of stagnation. Maybe it can be worked out or maybe it can’t, but he should have the chance to choose whether he wants to be in it or not as well. 

Post # 9
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hokievettech:  break off the engagement now before its too late. I know someone who was in the same boat as you, went through with the wedding hoping things would get better and ended up divorcing 2 years later. Don’t break his heart. 

I know you probably feel bad bc you have done this before, but you stay with someone because you feel bad. Yes, you do deserve to be with someone who wants to marry you bc they love you, not bc they are scared to lose you. Thats one of the worst reasons to propose. 

I hpoe you find someone thats perfect for you! Goodluck

Post # 10
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

Hokievettech:  At the risk of sounding harsh – welcome to the real world of ups and downs in a relationship. I’ve been married for thirty years and in that time I’ve been in and out of love with my husband more times than I can count and I’m sure the same goes for him. The trick to not divorcing? Sticking it out and remembering how I felt when we first met and knowing that the initial euphoria fades and is replaced by love, respect and a sense of commitment. Marriage has ebbs and flows – sometimes you are head over heals and sometimes you wonder what the heck?! Was there ever a time you were head over  heels for this guy? Have you told him how you are feeling? Have you both made a serious attempt to improve the relationship?

It’s not realistic to expect the initial excitement to last forever. It takes work on both your parts to keep things going – and communication is key!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  .
Post # 11
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

Hokievettech:  Don’t worry what people say/think. I can assure you that they would find a hell of a lot more to talk about if you were to get married, have a short marriage, and file for divorce than if you were to break it off now. Go with your intuition. It doesn’t seem like the life you’re leading would be a happy life long term. Best of luck to you.

Post # 13
Member
518 posts
Busy bee

Yes, i felt EXACTLY like you’re describing. I felt like I had a roommate, not a husband. I felt so alone all the time. I felt like I would have been less alone if I was single. We went to counseling together and i went on my own for a year. It made me realize even more that we were incompatible and I asked for a divorce. Through counseling he learned exactly what I needed from him, but he couldn’t give it to me. I didn’t want to live half a life, I wanted everything. It was really hard, he was such a nice guy! So loyal, so secure, so dependable, everyone loved him, but I needed more than safe and dependable. I needed passion and sparks and a connection and not to feel so alone I was willing to take the risk. I am with my perfect match now, and it’s amazing. I’m more than 10 years older than you, there’s nothing wrong with you, just not everyone meets their soulmate when they’re 25, I didn’t meet mine until I was late 30’s. Good luck with your decision, and counseling is never a bad idea.  

Post # 14
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hokievettech:  You’ve had some good advice from PPs so I won’t go on and on, but I just wanted to say I don’t think it sounds like there’s anything wrong with you. You sound very insightful, and like you’ve perhaps had three serious relationships that instead of resulting in the more typical ‘break-up’ ending (which would be very ‘normal’ for someone your age), involved broken engagements, simply because these relationships had premature (for lack of a better word) committments to marriage.

Is it uncommon to have three broken engagements? Yes. Does it mean there’s something seriously wrong with you? Nope. You’re just such a total catch that guys can’t help but profess their undying love and pop the question to you – it’s like the biggest compliment in the world!

As incredibly difficult as it is, it sounds like you know what you have to do here. Assuming you will have new romantic endeavours in your future, perhaps talking about this fairly early on in your relationships and specifically saying what you said in your earlier post (about someone proposing solely because they love you) might be a good way to lay the right groundwork and get on the same page from the get go.

Wishing you the very best of luck. Don’t be a stranger – let us know how you get on!

 

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