How to make this as quick as possible; I was engaged for a year and my wedding was two weeks from now. For the past month I have been going back and forth with reservations that I felt, and expressed interest in possibly postponing the wedding. I had moved close to her job, which she loves, but I am unhappy in the area. Our schedules are completely different, which is tough, and she lives close to her family and job, while I live far from mine. She was willing to move 45 minutes away to be close to a city where I could be more social and have a chance to work a better job, but I wasn't sure if it was where I wanted to set roots down.
This past week, I explained that my main emotion about the wedding is anxiety. She explained that she wasn't going to stay with me if we postponed the wedding, because she doesn't want to wait around for someone who is unsure about whether a marriage is the right thing. My response was to not stop her when she called the wedding off to her parents. I took some things and have gone to see my family.
I love this woman and am having regrets, especially when I speak to her and see pictures of her on my social media sites, but I think this is the end since I called the wedding off. I know she put a world of time, effort, and her heart into planning this wedding but I couldn't shake the anxiety. I also come from a single family, so I was never witness to the best marriage ever. Haha.
Tonight, after we were broken up, she asked me to admit I wasn't in love with her. I told her I did but I didn't feel ready. She said she didn't want to wait for something that would never happen. I told her she doesn't know if that's the case and she replied that she wants to feel like a prize when she is getting married and was hurt. I apologize for hurting her and that was that.
Long story short; I don't know what to do. How do I reconcile the situation, if that's possible? Thanks for the time.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you broke off your engagement two weeks before your wedding; I'm not sure if you can recover from that.
By two weeks out, vendors have been booked, deposits paid for, invitations sent out and RSVPs received... I'm sure she is feeling quite publicly embarrassed on top of incredibly hurt by the fact that you weren't ready.
How long have the two of you been together? From your post, it sounds like she has been waiting for this marriage to happen for quite some time.
Honestly... I understand that going through it when you didn't feel ready may have been a bad thing... and maybe you would have felt ready later maybe you won't. I don't really know what goes through a guys head. But I do know she has to tell people the wedding is off two weeks prior to her wedding so it may take her awhile to get to a place where you can reconcile. All you can do is tell her how you really feel. If you really want to be with her... marry her... you are scared and may never actually feel like you are ready to take the plunge. I know most guys that come from broken homes have a hard time commiting or deciding to get married, but you can't hold your relationship hostage because of the kind of relationships people in your family. If you had post poned the wedding a lot sooner it might have been an easier fix. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you guys can talk through it and postpone the wedding to a later date.
@rachelmichelle: We got engaged last December.
I asked if there was a way to postpone the wedding. I didn't want to call off the engagement entirely, only to have time to work on things that made me uncertain about the wedding.
I completely understand how bad it is to have done this two weeks before the wedding, but I didn't want to have it with trepidation, and didn't want to be breaking up a year after if it came to that.
I do love her and I feel bad that I hurt her, and yes, I know that hurt doesn't begin to cover how she must feel.
@radar: Thank you for your kind words. I keep going back and forth on it, and have told her I am so sorry for doing this to her. She has said apologies are a waste of time because they don't help her feel better, which is totally understandable.
I know... like I said it is going to take her awhile. What are the issues that were holding you back if you don't mind me asking?
@lovestruckromeo: This is why I asked how long the two of you have been together.
I would venture that most women, while perhaps being extremely pissed that this was coming up only two weeks beforehand, would probably allow their partner some more time to figure things out. It's also not a great feeling to have the person that you love being not-so-excited at the prospect of marrying you, but I think many women would be able to put that aside if this were not a pattern of behavior.
This is why I'm wondering if she has spent quite a bit of time waiting for this kind of commitment from you, and if you prolonging the engagement was just the last straw. If marriage is important to her, I don't think it's necessarily fair to expect her to wait around forever while you continue to be indecisive. (But again, I don't know how long you've actually been together so it's hard to say.)
@rachelmichelle: We have been engaged for a year, so I hope that gives some perspective. I really appreciate your input.
@radar: Well, I think part of me is scared we won't be able to move anywhere outside of the radius I had mentioned. I have moved around a lot in my life while she is a person who values structure. I'd say I am flexible to almost a fault while she is a planner, almost to a fault. Uncertainty terrifies her.
We were dating slightly long distance for a year and a half before we got engaged, which would have been a year this week. At that time, we saw each on the weekends. The place we live now (well, lived) is in a town where I don't know anybody and my job as a writer is telecommuting, so I am basically in a town alone until she comes home, at which point I have to work most of the time at night. Since we moved in, some
I've had some run-ins (not of my doing) with her family but I get along with the men in the family. And she has met my entire family twice and the encounters were kind of uncomfortable because of her shyness. My family has nothing to say about her, good or bad, because they have heard her talk maybe 20 sentences. That said, I have a big extended family and I know it can be overwhelming.
@lovestruckromeo: Being engaged for a year doesn't really give much perspective on how long the two of you have been in a relationship. I know couples who had a year-long engagement that were together for only two years, and I know of couples who were together for 8 years before having a year-long engagement.
Whatever the case, I do hope for your sake that you guys can work it out. Perhaps give her some time to cool down and try to revisit the conversation with her when she's a bit less emotional, though I imagine this is going to be a very sore subject for her at any time.
It sounds like you really do care for her and that you didn't want to upset her like this. It's really better not to start off a marriage when one partner is full of doubts.
ETA: Just saw your previous post. So you guys have been together just a bit over two years, and part of that was long-distance.
In that case, I don't think what I said previously applies. It doesn't sound like you've been stringing her along or anything like that at all. If you don't mind my asking, approximately how old is she?
@rachelmichelle: We dated for a year and a half before we got engaged. Does that help?
@lovestruckromeo: Yes- I saw you mentioned that in another post right before I replied, so I had to edit my last post.
In that case, I don't think you've necessarily been together an inordinate amount of time... given that you were long-distance for much of your relationship, it could be completely reasonable that you were having these doubts.
Did you feel like maybe she was rushing into things? Did you feel pressured to propose?
If she wants children, perhaps she feels like her 'biological clock' is ticking.
I did feel a bit pressured to propose but I don't want it to seem like I'm unaccountable. I made the choice to get on one knee and was involved in setting the date, so I know asking to hold off is on me.
She's in her mid-20's so I think the biological clock isn't an issue, though she has said she wanted to have a kid a year or two from now. She, like a lot of people I assume, had a plan of how and when things would happen.
Ouch. That is a tough situation. Also why I am in favor in long-ish engagements, if it is right for the couple. My fiance and I also do not "agree" on where to raise our future family, but in the end, the person is more important than the place that we live (He won this battle although nothing is permanent). I don't know that it is possible to reconcile and because she went and told her family, they might be against her taking you back, so even she wants to, she might feel like she can't because they will be disappointed in or mad at her. I can only say that time would be the only thing that can tell you it the relationship can be repaired. Just out of curiosity- why the sudden anxiety if you decided to make the move for her? Essentially nothing more was going to change. From what I've read, I would bet that the quality of your relationship would have been better if you two lived together even if your schedules were opposing. I think everything that happens, happens for a reason. I would be furious if my fiance did what you did, but obviously there is something that you are so anxious/worried about. I mean this in a non-offensive way so please don't think this is coming from a mean place, but I would see a therapist about your feelings. My fiance sees one when he get anxiety and I can't help him or understand him. It has helped him put his life into perspective and he knows himself better now than he did before. Therapy also helped our relationship. Maybe she could even join you and see your side of this all. I'm sorry that you all are going through this especially now around the holidays. I hope that everything works out for the best.
@lovestruckromeo: If she was kind of pushing for a proposal/wedding, that may be why she's so upset that you asked to move it back.
She may also be feeling that your reluctance to get married in two weeks is a reflection on her or on how you feel about her- if you can, try to let her know that she is very important to you, that you think she's wonderful, and that this was in no way her 'fault.'
From there, you might try to reason with her, and let her know that all you want is to work through these issues that the two of you are haivng with lifestyle compatibility before you walk down the aisle. It sounds like the issue is not that you don't want to marry *her*, but that you're simply concerned that your lifestyles aren't meshing together well (it sounds like you guys don't get to see each other a lot) and you'd like to work that out first.
@CestTresJolie14: Thank you. I don't take your words as offensive at all. I have definitely considered going to therapy for my anxiety issues. As far as living in the town building the anxiety, we moved in in September and I have been progressively getting more down. I joked a few times about feeling like a Stepford Wife. Last week, when she came home and asked how my day was, I really had no response because I just didn't have anything good to say. I felt like I had no purpose in the town, outside of seeing her.
@rachelmichelle: + 1 to most of what you said.
I can understand postponing a wedding due to finances, sickness, even a death in the family but if my FI waited until 3 weeks out to tell me he was essentially no longer sure he wanted to marry me I would be absolutely crushed - I do not think I could recover from that.
@rachelmichelle: Yeah, I have told her I love her but her response was, "if you were truly in love with me, to the point I am with you, you would be walking down the aisle." I kind of disagree with that. I feel like if you love the person then you would want them to be completely confident and happy, in the relationship and as a person. That said, I know she has more invested as the bride to be. It definitely is a hard situation.
@ms_protea: I think that is completely fair and I feel awful for doing it. I had expressed reservations a month before the actual "break-up" happened, so the discussion between us had been going for a while, with me going back and forth on how I felt about it. Like I said, I definitely am sorry to be hurting her.
To me it seems like you are wishy washy and afraid to make a decision and stick with it. You don't want to live in one place... you want to get married but you don't , now you aren't sure what to do to make it better. I think you just make a decision and stick with it. She said it is over if you postpone the wedding... you postponed it anyway so it is over that was your choice. Just make a decision and stand with the decision you made. I agree with her if you love her marry her. This not wanting to live in one place thing migh be something you let go of until the kids are grown and you are retired. Or you accept she just wasn't the one for you and you move on to find the person who wants to move around too. I really don't think right now there is anything you can do besides marrying her that will reconcile everything. She is dealing with the worst kind of heart ache and embarrasment right now.
@lovestruckromeo: Have you two ever driven around different neighborhoods/towns together to try to find a compromise of where to settle down? I've been living in LA for 4 1/2 years and had been miserable up until a few months ago when I started becoming involved with the community and started volunteering, so I can definitely relate with you on feeling like you don't belong. But also, you can belong if you want to; you just have to look into the right places. I grew up in a more cookie-cutter, suburban city about an hour south of where we live and I think it's the ideal place to raise a family, he just finds it so depressing and can't bear the thought of having to live somewhere so quiet.
We have fought a lot over this, and good thing we've been together for 4 1/2 years, engaged for 7 months, and stlll have another 1 1/2 til the wedding, because it has taken us THIS long to agree to stay here. It took me that long to feel like I belong. And it took me that long to figure out that I was the reason why I wasn't fitting in. Also you don't HAVE to have everything figured out right now. Just because you live there now doesn't mean you'll live there next year. Life is a long, long journey and nothing is set in stone. I think you both should have had a long talk about these things before getting engaged and tried to find some common ground/sacrifices to make it work.
And therapy is a wonderful thing. I have a high threshold for stress/anxiety and have good coping skills and I am not opposed to seeing a therapist when life feels unbearable. I would see one for a little while if I was feeling like you do. Sorry I wrote so much!
@CestTresJolie14: No need to apologize. Every word is well spoken and means a lot to read on this end.
When we moved to the town, it was more out of necessity because the townhomes in the "middle ground" (which means closer to a potential better job for me. My family would be about 4 hours away either way) places weren't available and we needed to choose a spot before her teaching started for the semester.
She has made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to just stay engaged. So basically it was take it or leave it. She felt I wasn't in love with her since I wasn't ready to walk down the aisle. I do love her but I wanted to be able to see if perhaps being in another town improved the situation. Her feelings on it were, "We've set a date. You don't get to ask for a trial run now."
I don't think her being upset is unreasonable at all. I'd be a complete idiot if I did (as opposed to just feeling like a complete jerk at the moment.) Tonight, I mentioned that I couldn't make her stay engaged and she reminded me that I was the one who bailed out on what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life. It hurts to see her in so much pain, figuratively, but I also feel like both people in the relationship should be certain. I'm just unsure of what to do.
@lovestruckromeo: How old are you both, anyway? I know you mentioned she's in her mid 20's. It seems like you might have jumped the gun on getting engaged. Or at least maybe you should have spent more time being engaged. It almost sounds like you don't know each other well enough to take that next step together. Doesn't excuse your actions, but probably added to your anxiety. Marriage isn't about a wedding. It's a serious step in life.
@CestTresJolie14: She's in her mid -20s and I'm early thirties. In many ways, we have different lifestyles. She's a teacher who works a lot and enjoys staying in mostly to relax (I don't blame her. I'm sure she is exhausted. It's a tough job.) I am a writer and photographer who likes going out more with friends, and enjoying a lot of music, films, etc. It's not her responsibility to keep me entertained but I feel like the town we lived in was part of the bigger problem.
I considered calling her parents to offer an apology and explanation but fear that might go very badly given the understandable want to protect their daughter in the situation, and the high emotions of anger and hurt they probably feel as well.
Outside of the wedding, I wonder why she feels that I would never come to terms with the situation. She believes after knowing each other for 4 years (as friends, then partners) that if I don't know by now, I never would. I am sure it's a number of reasons, which I respect, but I hate the thought of this not being reconciled. I know I have done a bang up job of that by "walking away" close to the wedding.
@radar: It's hard to make a decision when on one hand you're worried it might not work out but also love and want to make sure the person is taken care of. I am trying to find a balance between loving her and making sure to love myself enough to be okay, if that makes sense.
@lovestruckromeo: I'm in school to become a teacher and have an extremely limited schedule between student teaching, classes, family, etc, I look forward to doing fun things so I think it's more of her personality to stay in rather than her wanting to relax. Maybe a part of your reservations has to do with that aspect of lifestyle, too.
@CestTresJolie14: I have expressed my concern with that part of life becoming routine. I think some of that has become magnified since we're in a town where I feel isolated and unsure of how to make progress.
At this point, I assume she has notified vendors and other people to tell them the wedding is off, but I feel like I need to make it clear that I love and care about her, even though the immediate action may seem contrary to that. Not to mention that her family is now part of it, which definitely makes it tougher.
I've had many friends say that if she really wanted the relationship to last then what is the problem waiting to make sure I am okay, but I can see both sides of the coin. She is heartbroken, embarrassed, and feels like she has wasted a lot of time preparing for the biggest moment of her life.
I didn't go through all of the responses, so I apologize if I'm redundant.
I know exactly what you're going through..except from her perspective. Now, no one can say what the best thing for you to do is simply because you know the situation better than anyone else. I am currently single. I was engaged for a full year and two months before my wedding, we went our separate ways. We had quite a few long conversations about it and he decided he didn't want to marry me anymore. He suggested postponing the wedding and my reaction sucked. I was in the heat of the moment. I was angry, upset, sad, confused. I felt like my heart had been ripped out as I didn't see this coming. I reacted by saying that if he didn't want to marry me now, why would he want to later? I said I couldn't stay together after that. The next morning, I realized all I wanted was to be with him..no matter what it took. I have told him that. I think the combination of our "issues" and my reaction pushed him to decide that he no longer wanted to stay together as a couple anymore. I was beyond crushed. Still am. (This happened 3 months ago)
If my ex came back to me today, I would most certainly work on our relationship. Of course, I would need quite a bit of reassurance that he had enough time to know FOR SURE that I was what he wanted. I would need to know that he would be completely trustworthy and that if something difficult comes up in our relationship in the future, he won't just leave. There would definitely be some repairing to be done.
I can't speak or your ex, though I can say that trying has never put anyone in a worse-off situation than they are currently in. I say go for it. What do you have to lose? She was probably heart broken - so much so that it would be impossible to even describe the feeling. She may be hesitant or even not interested at all, but don't get angry. Keep trying if what your heart is telling you is that she and you are meant to be.
I have not contacted my ex because he was the one that called it off (oh and he's seeing somebody). I feel like if he wants to fix things or if he changes his mind, he will come to me. He knows how I feel and where my heart is. I have said all I can say. The ball is in his court.
I wish you the very best. Good luck to you and stay strong no matter the outcome! I'll be thinking of you.
@lovestruckromeo: Embarrassed for sure.
Rightfully so, she's excited to plan her wedding, but if the relationship isn't strong enough, then it's best not to be married. And she's not wrong in being so mad, but it's good that she isn't being led into a marriage where you are unsure of what you want. The day a man says "I do" to a woman, he should be totally sure that he's marrying the right person without any doubts. She deserves to have that.
Even though she's mad and hurting now, regardless of whatever the outcome may be, she will be glad that you didn't go through with the wedding having any doubts. You both may find that even though you love each other very much, there just might be someone better for both of you.
Well, in many cases, if you've known each other for 3 or more years, how much more is there really to learn? I'm not attacking you, I'm just saying. Three years is a pretty long time to know someone. It's also a pretty decent amount of time within which to determine if you want to marry someone. She obviously made her mind up.
If she's not amendable to getting back together, occasionally it happens! then it may be time to cut your losses and move on, maybe try to remain as friends.
I'm definitely more shy/introverted than my SO, but I don't like being shy all the time, so I like when he drags me out and makes me be more social, because he's definitely more gregarious than I am. I can see, if you two are diametrically opposed, but neither are particularly good at compromising, there... hmm. That could definitely cause a problem, especially since she's the only person you really know. Have you considered finding ways to meet people in the area? Going to a gym? Or somewhere else you may be more comfortable with? Looking online for local meet-ups of some variety? It sounds sort of like one problem is that you need someone to go out with, and while it's not her "job" to entertain you, it's not something that she should leave out of consideration.
Oh, and if y'all do end up getting back together, or for future reference, you might want to consider some pre-marital classes, be they faith-based, such as pre-cana classes (Catholic), or if they are just Pre-marital counselling. Heck, it can't hurt, even if you aren't those faiths, since they help you both work through things like that, and get some perspective on issues before you get to the point where you are, currently.
@NovBride12: First off, I am sorry you went through that. You seem like a very reflective and mature person, and your perspective helps a tremendous amount.
I think your reaction is very much the same one she had. She said her heart felt like it was going to jump out of her chest when I didn't stop her from walking out the door, but I felt that I needed to be 100% sure for both of us. I love her and totally agree with everyone's opinion that she deserves to know I wouldn't go anywhere. When we talked about the wedding, I told her my overwhelming emotions were nervousness and anxiety. That said, I wasn't asking to hold off because I wanted to leave.
The break-up happened on Sunday so the emotions are still at a high. Last night she went through the process of changing the status on Facebook, which we all know makes it official. (Joking, kind of.) I want to let her know I am concerned and not just walking away, but I also know that right now it probably feels like I'm offering her a shoulder to cry on while stabbing her in the back.
Thank you. There are two things I know for sure from this: One, I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me. Two, relationships take a hell of a lot of work, and it is all worth it. I wish I worked a little harder knowing what I know now. Lesson learned.
I can definitely see how it could be too soon to let her know how you're feeling as emotions are probably still a little heightened. You know better than anyone else how and when to approach the situation. I suggest getting your thoughts in order completely and knowing exactly how you feel and what you want before approaching her. You don't want to go in still seeming confused. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Sometimes we make them happen, sometimes they're beyond our control. But, if its what you want and you can control it, then do it!
Whatever happens, stay positive. This experience will make you so much stronger no matter which direction this goes - for your relationship with her or anybody else.
ETA: it's a good thing Facebook statuses aren't set in stone! ;)
@lovestruckromeo: are you worried it won't work out because you come from a broken home and don't want to experience that... or are you worried she isn't the one. If she isnt the one well it hurts but you did what is best. If the worry comes from being around divorce you can't hold your relationship hostage to others failures it isn't fair to her. You have to step out and do it afraid because you can't change what you experienced but if you love her you can commit to a better life with her. Don't be afraid of life becoming redundant. Even if she wants a stable place to come home to there will always be new thrills to experience together. Vacations, Holidays and hobbies can be filled with spontaneous things to do together. I think if she love you and you love her you will eventually work it out, but if you really can't see yourself with her... you did the right thing as sad as it sounds.
Wow... I really don't blame her for being heartbroken. If my husband had backed out 2 weeks before our wedding, I don't think I would be able to come back from that.
In the end, it's better that you broke up with her now rather than after you were married. It is better for both of you in the long run.
As for any chance of "fixing" this... well, to be blunt, I think you blew your chance. If there is any hope in ever getting back with her, I think it's going to take a long while before she will be able to trust you again.
@lovestruckromeo: i don't think you really love her.
i know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like she was willing to move for you. she knew she wanted to be with you. but you weren't sure if a new city was where you wanted to 'put roots down'.
i think if you are excited to marry a woman, then these issues seem relatively small. maybe you go to a new town for a year, maybe then you guys move somewhere else. . .who cares as long as you're together?
but you do care. so, it sounds like being together really doesn't/didn't mean that much to you.
thus, honestly it sounds like she did the right thing.
i think if you love her, you will say/would have said 'let's get married- i want to be with you, definitely'.
i also don't think that having to deliberate about whether or not you should try to get her back, bodes well. if you loved her, you WOULD be trying to get her back.
i wonder if she'd be better off with someone else.
I'd be pretty angry if I were in her shoes. The time to think about lifestyle, compatability, etc is before the proposal, not two weeks before the wedding.
@lovestruckromeo: If you're not sure you want to marry her then you need to let her go at this point. If you think there's a chance if you were to get back together that you would do the same thing when it came to getting married again then you need to let her be and move on with both of your lives, apart.
If you really did make a huge mistake and freaked out for no reason then try and go after her - but don't you dare fuck her over a second time.
I personally have been in cat-n-mouse relationships like this before and have learned that 1 break up is it for me. I'd never forgive my FI for breaking off our wedding 2 weeks before, humiliating me, putting me in that position, breaking my heart. So as much as I'd want to probably take him back and pretend everythign was fine and wonderful again, I probably wouldn't because of my past experiences.
@lovestruckromeo: If you can't love her the way she wants and needs to be loved, if you can't commit to her, stick with her in the tough times, and be willing to make her an important part of your life, let her go. She deserves someone who will do that for her. If you love her, man up and make it right. You don't get to sit on the fence wasting her time while you make a decision, though. That's not fair to her.
@lovestruckromeo: As someone who had a fiance back out, don't underestimate the level of embarrassment she is facing, too. I honestly think that was the worst part for me- also, a shy girl. The attention and the embarrassment and the hurt... it was enough to have me hiding for weeks.
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