Broken engagement and unsure if it's the right thing

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you broke off your engagement two weeks before your wedding; I’m not sure if you can recover from that.

By two weeks out, vendors have been booked, deposits paid for, invitations sent out and RSVPs received… I’m sure she is feeling quite publicly embarrassed on top of incredibly hurt by the fact that you weren’t ready.

How long have the two of you been together? From your post, it sounds like she has been waiting for this marriage to happen for quite some time.

Member
228 posts
Helper bee

Honestly… I understand that going through it when you didn’t feel ready may have been a bad thing… and maybe you would have felt ready later maybe you won’t. I don’t really know what goes through a guys head. But I do know she has to tell people the wedding is off two weeks prior to her wedding so it may take her awhile to get to a place where you can reconcile. All you can do is tell her how you really feel. If you really want to be with her… marry her… you are scared and may never actually feel like you are ready to take the plunge. I know most guys that come from broken homes have a hard time commiting or deciding to get married, but you can’t hold your relationship hostage because of the kind of relationships people in your family. If you had post poned the wedding a lot sooner it might have been an easier fix. I’m sorry you are going through this and I hope you guys can talk through it and postpone the wedding to a later date. 

Member
228 posts
Helper bee

I know… like I said it is going to take her awhile. What are the issues that were holding you back if you don’t mind me asking?

Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee

@lovestruckromeo:  This is why I asked how long the two of you have been together.

I would venture that most women, while perhaps being extremely pissed that this was coming up only two weeks beforehand, would probably allow their partner some more time to figure things out. It’s also not a great feeling to have the person that you love being not-so-excited at the prospect of marrying you, but I think many women would be able to put that aside if this were not a pattern of behavior.

This is why I’m wondering if she has spent quite a bit of time waiting for this kind of commitment from you, and if you prolonging the engagement was just the last straw. If marriage is important to her, I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to expect her to wait around forever while you continue to be indecisive. (But again, I don’t know how long you’ve actually been together so it’s hard to say.)

Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee

@lovestruckromeo:  Being engaged for a year doesn’t really give much perspective on how long the two of you have been in a relationship. I know couples who had a year-long engagement that were together for only two years, and I know of couples who were together for 8 years before having a year-long engagement.

Whatever the case, I do hope for your sake that you guys can work it out. Perhaps give her some time to cool down and try to revisit the conversation with her when she’s a bit less emotional, though I imagine this is going to be a very sore subject for her at any time.

It sounds like you really do care for her and that you didn’t want to upset her like this. It’s really better not to start off a marriage when one partner is full of doubts.

ETA: Just saw your previous post. So you guys have been together just a bit over two years, and part of that was long-distance.

In that case, I don’t think what I said previously applies. It doesn’t sound like you’ve been stringing her along or anything like that at all. If you don’t mind my asking, approximately how old is she?

Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee

@lovestruckromeo:  Yes- I saw you mentioned that in another post right before I replied, so I had to edit my last post.

In that case, I don’t think you’ve necessarily been together an inordinate amount of time… given that you were long-distance for much of your relationship, it could be completely reasonable that you were having these doubts.

Did you feel like maybe she was rushing into things? Did you feel pressured to propose?

If she wants children, perhaps she feels like her ‘biological clock’ is ticking.

Member
879 posts
Busy bee

Ouch. That is a tough situation. Also why I am in favor in long-ish engagements, if it is right for the couple. My fiance and I also do not “agree” on where to raise our future family, but in the end, the person is more important than the place that we live (He won this battle although nothing is permanent). I don’t know that it is possible to reconcile and because she went and told her family, they might be against her taking you back, so even she wants to, she might feel like she can’t because they will be disappointed in or mad at her. I can only say that time would be the only thing that can tell you it the relationship can be repaired. Just out of curiosity- why the sudden anxiety if you decided to make the move for her? Essentially nothing more was going to change. From what I’ve read, I would bet that the quality of your relationship would have been better if you two lived together even if your schedules were opposing. I think everything that happens, happens for a reason. I would be furious if my fiance did what you did, but obviously there is something that you are so anxious/worried about. I mean this in a non-offensive way so please don’t think this is coming from a mean place, but I would see a therapist about your feelings. My fiance sees one when he get anxiety and I can’t help him or understand him. It has helped him put his life into perspective and he knows himself better now than he did before. Therapy also helped our relationship. Maybe she could even join you and see your side of this all. I’m sorry that you all are going through this especially now around the holidays. I hope that everything works out for the best. 

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