Broken engagement….dont know what to do. LONG

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

@cmoest:  They both sound quite immature. 

I would honestly stay out of it and not answer the phone for a couple days.  This is not your problem.  You’ve listened and given them advice, now it’s up to the both of them to start making some more mature decisions in their lives, hopefully for the sake of their child. 

Post # 4
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would encourage her to go. Especially if she’s supporting herself and the baby.

Post # 5
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

They both sound incredibly immature and not ready for marriage. It’s a shame they brought an innocent child into their disfunctionality. My main concern would be for the kid and his best interest. A pot smoking dad doesn’t sound like a good influence to me.

 

Post # 6
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@cmoest:  Does he have a real problem or is she making a big deal of him liking to smoke up once a week?  Obviously not getting clean for a drug test to get a job is a problem – but is that happening or is she assuming it will happen because she doesn’t trust him?  I’m not saying getting high all the time is ok, but if she knew he liked to chill once a week, that’s what he does.  If she’s now freaking out about it and starting fights all the time – that’s not fair.  If it’s gotten worse, or he’s dependant, or he makes it a higher priority than her and the baby.. that’s a big problem. 

Maybe they just need to move to Colorado.

Post # 8
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

@cmoest:  Well…remember that you’re not their mom…and they are adults.  (or at least they’re supposed to be!)  It’s very kind of you to want to be there to support her, but don’t let it start to affect you negatively.  Which it sort of sounds like it is, since you’re so worried about them.    

People have to make their own choices; it’s how we learn from mistakes, you know?    

Post # 9
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Bunch of stuff going on here IMO

1- They both sound very immature

2- Your Brother, cannot seem to control his desire for Pot (I say this because you say he keeps going back to it… and here is his Life Partner walking out the door with the Baby… and still he continues).

I would go so far as to say he has an Addiction.

3- Again like # 1 and # 2, he is clearly having other issues in his life (employment) due to his addiction.  None of this is good.

You say he looks up to you… so you need to be the Big Sister, and sit him down and lay the cards on the table he is heading down a very rocky road… with a crappy future.

He needs to get help.

She needs to go to an Al-Anon type support Group.

They BOTH need to get some Couples counselling.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 11
Member
1266 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If your family can afford it, I would have them go into mediation.  Honestly, I’m siding with the ex-fiance on this. They’re young, your brother is not proving to be a man who can take care of a family, and just because they have a child together doesn’t mean that they should be married.  Have a mediator/lawyer/someone from the courts sort out custody and visitation.  If your parents and the ex-fiance’s parents are stable, I would get them involved so that your nephew isn’t in such a volotile environment.

Post # 12
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@cmoest:  I’m sorry you’re dealing with this – you sound very sad and stressed out. 🙁 I know you’re emotionally invested, even more so because of your little nephew, but unfortunately, like you said, you can’t really do anything to resolve this situation – it is between the two of them to come to a resolution. The best thing you can offer to the two of them is your love, a neutral ear, and a shoulder to cry on when needed – and it sounds like you’re already doing that.  

Post # 13
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I would personally stay out of it. Offer support but don’t offer advice or take a side. I have a brother who’s wife is crazy and posts all about their fights and their drinking and weed smoking on Facebook and it makes me so uncomfortable when I have other family asking me what’s wrong with them. 

One time it got so bad that they were going to break up. Of course I took my brother’s side. When they got back together a few days later, they were both mad at me for the support i gave to my brother. They felt like I was mean to my SIL. 

Obviously this is just my personal experience but I just wanted to say be careful!

Post # 14
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

At 19 and 18 I am not surprised that they aren’t ready to commit. Too bad there is a baby involved when they have so much growing up to do themselves. He won’t stop smoking pot until he’s ready, no matter what. I’m sure his 19 year old friends don’t make the situation any better either.

She should leave if she is upset about the smoking. No question. If he says he is stopping he will probably just do it behind her back (my exH did this).

Post # 15
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

@cmoest:  No offense, but your brother needs to man up. He’s young and I’m sure he didn’t want his life to turn into getting-a-full-time-job-to-support-a-family so soon. And I would say they are too immature for marriage and should go their separate ways. But I see how having a baby together complicates the whole thing.

It may not be what he expected or envisioned for his life at 18 or 19 but that is the reality. Sure most 19 year olds can smoke pot and job surf but he has bigger responsibilities now and he has to face that.

I’m suggesting they should get married for the baby (or at all) but he does need to TRY to help support them.

Post # 16
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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