Broken Heart and MIL (sorry-long)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m so sorry. I think you should have what you want. I also think your fiancé should have your back and explain the 12 to 120 guest issue and how much you are already accommodating. My family is small and my fiancée s family is huge. We are having a destination wedding to Las Vegas instead of another country so people have a better opportunity to attend but in the end it is just how I want it. Very classy for the few who will come. I wish you luck and if I were in your situation then I would tell my fiancé to explain the situation to his family and stick up for what you want too.

Post # 4
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

Wow, I feel so bad for you.  I’m really concerned that as far as your FI goes, there seems to be no compromises being made with regards to your wedding arrangements. Your parents sound awesome, by the way.

 

I too wanted a destination wedding, as did my FI.  My mom has never been to a resort, and every time we go to Cuba, I think of how much she’d enjoy it there.  The problem is, my FI eloped for his first wedding, and his mother is elderly (in her mid-70’s) and has never been on a plane or owned a passport. She also can’t stand the heat and humidity, so even if we got the other stuff sorted out, she would be uncomfortable and miserable.  She’s also had some significant health challenges this year.

So, we compromised. We are having a very intimate ceremony with family and a couple of close friends, with a larger (100-110 people) reception in the evening.  It’s expensive, and not what I wanted to begin with, but I’m pretty happy with how we were able to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy.

I am really sorry for the situation you are in.  I think you need to have a big sit down with your FI, and he needs to step up and advocate on your behalf with his mother. Failing that, perhaps you can find one thing that you can control to focus on for the day.  There is no point in regreting what’s done and can’t be changed, so find something that you can build into the day that will be a positive thing for you to focus on after the fact, instead of all the things that weren’t what you hoped for.

Post # 5
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I like the saying “those who pay, play”. If she’s not paying, she should be thrilled you’re including her in some of the planning. I would turn off and stop including everyone in giving their input about your wedding. Your mil is taking advantage of the situation and if she doesn’t like certain things you’re doing, tell her to pay up. 

Post # 7
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I always wanted to have a destination wedding, but FI’s mother became ill and it would just be really difficult for her to endure a long flight. Instead we’re having a really small, intimate wedding (38 guests) 10 minutes from our house and I’m fine with that. That being said, all the decisions are ours and I’m not really feeling pressured by anyone else.

I would sit down with your FI and have a serious talk. If your MIL was paying thats one thing, but you cannot allow her to do this with your parents paying. That is so incredibly rude and inconsiderate of her. Your FI needs to intervene, whether she likes it or not.

Post # 10
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

He’s 43 and still won’t stand up to his mother?! The two of you need to present a united front and tell his mother that this is your wedding and he will be involved. That’s it…no arguing..no discussion…if she starts to say things like before just repeat ‘This is not up for discussion’ and leave the conversation.

Your parents should not have to pay for this alone…his parents should be contributing or keep their mouths shut!

My biggest concern would be the precedent this sets for your future relationship. If FMIL gets her way in everything now you can bet that she will always get her way in the future too!

Post # 11
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Luayne:  Yeah, seriously. Your FI should have your back and there is no excuse for him to let his mother make your life difficult. Who does she think she is??

@chelsie00xx:  Of course his mom is acting like her family members are the only important one, because that’s exactly how your FI is acting!! Wow you are a saint. I would be furious with him if I were you, I don’t know how you’re not upset that he is basically disregarding your desires all because he wants HIS family there and the please them. What about what you want? Your original plan of a Vermont wedding sounds lovely and would have already been a compromise; the fact that you have had to cave and cave and they still aren’t satisfied is appalling. I would seriously start to question whether your FI plans to honor and support you above all else, as the way this wedding planning is going his whole side seems selfish and uncompromising.

Ignore his mother–neither request nor accept her input on anything from here on out. Maybe you can hire a wedding coordinator in Michigan who can help you find vendors and plan from afar. The wadded expense will be well worth having your MIL out of the process.

Post # 12
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Like previous posters have said, the part that I would be most worried about is that your FI is 43 and can’t/won’t stand up to his mother.  

There are certain parts of your situation that is similiar to mine:  

I have a very small family – none of them will be attending the wedding due to distance/cost issues.

I’m bipolar, and have severe problems with both crowds and anxiety.

I’ve been married before, had the big event and hated it.

FI has a massive extended family.

Recently my FI has been saying that he thinks his parents will be willing to help financially with the wedding – but I don’t want them to, as I firmly believe in the saying ‘who pays, says’  I don’t want his parents having any input to our wedding – mainly because I’m 45, FI is 43 and we are just too damn old to have parents dictating to us!

I want what you want, a destination wedding on a beach.  FI can invite who he likes, but I know it is likely only his parents and perhaps a couple of aunts and uncles will attend…and that suits me fine.

This isn’t meant to sound rude, but you really need to develop a backbone, and a voice.  With both, you can make it clear to both your FI and FMIL that as your parents are the ones paying for this, you (and them) get to decide where it is, what sort of venue it is held at, and what percentage of both sides families get invited.

Do not marry a man who at the age of 43 cannot stand up to his mother.  I honestly cannot see how it cannot be anything but a future recipe for disaster.

Post # 13
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My parents are paying for everything.”


I think this says it all.  If my parents were paying for it all, and my wedding was being dominated by my Fiance’s family, they’d be pissed.  I agree with PPs, speak up for yourself! This is YOUR wedding, not your mother in law’s.  Unless she is paying for this grand affair, she shuold keep her mouth shut.  You’re right in not telling her any more details.  Your fiance also needs to step in and back you up.  You two should have the wedding you want, and I say you should do it!

Post # 14
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

This SUCKS.  

If I were I’d get a backbone and put HER in her place.  If you don’t do it NOW she’ll always run over you.  There is no way in hell my MIL or anyone else would tell me how to do MY wedding.  Piss on them all.  I’d cancel everything, plan what YOU want, tell them the details after it’s all paid for and say you have the option of coming, if not forget you.  Otherwise you’ll live to regret it, and they’ll continue to bully you about grandkids, where you’re going to live, etc.

 

Post # 15
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I vote you and FI fly to the beach and elope. 

Post # 16
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Hey, I’m from Michigan, so if you’d like me to go and slap her… Let me know. 😉

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