:( Broken-hearted, what do I do?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well, I should probably preface this by saying that I’ve seen lots of open & poly relationships.  I’ve never seen one survive more than a few years.  Relationships are HARD work, and it’s rough with 2 people, let alone 3 or 4.   Even in an open relationship, you absolutely care if the other person is with someone.  There are always feelings involved, and the challenge is to balance those feelings and be constantly checking in and making sure everyone is ok.  If you don’t have any emotional response to him being with someone else, that’s not a good sign for the relationship.  In addition, the fact that he didn’t feel absolutely wretched after cheating on you, and wouldn’t feel guilty about it if it happened in the future is significant.  Honestly, I think the relationship has done what most young love relationships do – now that it has run its course, you’re both mostly comfortable with each other, but you’re not actively happy.  Personally, I could never live like that. 

Post # 4
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

first of all, I am so sorry your going through this! *hugs*

honestly, only time will tell if that’s how he really feels or if it was just cold feet. Give it time and if this wishy-washy-ness rears it’s ugly head again (and if it’s how he really feels, it will pop up again) then you have your answer.

 

for now, I would create some distance.

Post # 5
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Ok I’m totally conjecturing here but I think that hearing his coworker say that about her relationship made him question whether you were committed to him enough if you wouldn’t feel guilty about hooking up with someone else (even though he said it was ok).  Then maybe that made him think about whether he would feel guilty if he had sex with another girl and his conclusion was no, which led to him saying that he doesn’t love you as much as you love him.  It has been 6 yrs so perhaps he thought that having an open relationship might spice things up but it didn’t quite play out as he imagined.  Overall, I do think that he is just having a lot of thoughts about the relationship and feelings in general.  I’d give him some space and time and then revisit the issue later to make sure that he is on the same page as you about getting engaged.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you guys need to take others out of the equation and focus on your relationship with each other.

No one can answer what was going through his head except him, so you need to listen and trust what he says.  

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MariContrary:  This is what I think. If I were you, I’d recognize that my boyfriend had essentially just told me that he’s no longer in love with me. I’d want to be with someone who was thrilled to be with me. He clearly is not.

Do yourself a favor and move on!

Post # 8
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, you’re in a tricky spot. I would be tempted to stay away for a bit and give him time to figure his crap out. I can’t tell you if it was cold feet or him being honest about where he was at that moment, I doubt he’s even sure! 

 He wasn’t honest with you about cheating, but I would probably forgive him for that at his point. The concerning part is that I have a hunch he’s not being totally honest with himself about his feelings. How can you go from totally freaked out one day and fine the next? I think he needs to be by himself, NO other women, to sort through everything in his head. Ad you need to decide if you can trust him and what he says. It may take a substantial amount of time, effort and a LOT of communication, but if your relationship is as great as you said it was, I think it’s worth it to try and save it if you can!

Post # 12
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@newwebb:  You ask a LOT of good questions… What I’m going to say is a lot easier said than done but I do think you need to back off, give each other some serious breathing room and take a proposal OFF the table. Maybe you need to take a short term lease out on your own space or stay with friends for a few months. You both seem to have some serious emotions in play that DESERVE to be wholeheartedly felt and explored on both sides.

Deep breaths, believe in yourself foremost, and back off. It’s ok.

Post # 13
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Jewelieee:  I agree. Maybe hearing this hot coworker say no gave him pause. Like, “my coworker wouldn’t do it to her guy but my girlfriend would do it to me?! WTF!” Personally, I couldn’t handle an open relationship. It’s a nice fantasy for me but it would break my frikkin’ heart over and over again!

Post # 15
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow this sounds very similar to what my friend S went through. He and his GF had been together for 5 years when she said she wanted an open relationship. It worked for a few months before she was getting serious with a guy she’d met through Plenty of Fish. She told S that she was going to move out of the house they owned and into her sisters to think. She hasnt been back. 

I hope things work out for you, however you want them to work out. This is a hard place to be and I feel bad for you having to deal with this. *Virtual hugs*

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