- 4 years ago
Hi, I am fairly new to the bee and am posting here because even after talking to all my close friends for advice I am not sure what to do. I apologize if this post is long. There’s some background that goes with it, but skip down to the bolded area for the important part.
I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now. He is 26 and we are both each others’ first long term relationship. He’s a great guy, kind, sweet, funny, hard worker, good job, etc, etc. We have been living together for almost 2 years now, and after I graduated college last may and got a job in september he started seriously talking about getting married. I was in ZERO rush to get married because we’re both young and I feel like if you know you’re going to be together, what’s the rush? Anyways, after we talked about it a lot we decided that we were both ready and wanted to be together, looked at rings in January and then it was up to him to pick out the ring and propose some time this year. I do have to admit that I had been bringing up him proposing a lot. I thought it was in a friendly way, but apparently it bothered him more than I actually knew. Dunno if that plays into this.
This post is already too long :/ sorry. I am not 100 % sure if what I’m about to say has anything to do with what’s going on, but I feel like for full disclosure sake I might as well include it. TMI: My bf and I have been discussing for a while the possibility of having an open relationship where we could “hook up” with other people. The idea of me with another guy is a huge turn-on for him, and while I’m not ‘turned on’ by the idea of him hooking up with another girl it sincerely doesn’t bother me. I’ve just never been a jealous person and I am one of those who believes sex can be just sex.
Anyways, I had a coworker who was good looking and I was kind of into, so I told my bf about it, knowing that said coworker was going to be leaving the job so if things did not go well, I’d never have to see him again. My bf was perfectly ok with it (or so he said) and so I had a one-time hook up (oral sex) with this guy. I texted my bf earlier in the day knowing that we were most likely going to hook up. Now, I was going away for the weekend right after work so I did not get a chance to talk to my bf about what happened right away, he texted me later. I was completely upfront with him about what happened. He said he wished I had let him know asap instead of waiting for him to ask, but he wasn’t upset about what happened. In fact, he talked about it with me after and was just turned on.
A couple weeks after that happened he went out with coworkers and one of his female coworkers was being very flirty, “too bad we’re both in long term relationships because I’m attracted to you…” He told me that night and I knew they were going out a few nights later with another group. I was aware that things might happen with them. I guess that night they talked and she told him that while she has a bit of a crush on him, she would never cheat on her bf because she loves him too much and would never want to hurt him.
THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENS:
The day after his night out with his coworkers we were in our apartment, (he said something snarky to me (forget what it was) so I was giving him a bit of the cold shoulder), but besides that it was a perfectly normal morning, we had just finished a load of laundary and were watching tv. He told me he was worried about us. I asked why. He basically said that he felt like we were in a rut and things were getting stale. He said he just wasn’t sure how he felt about marriage and having kids and he thought he needed some space for a couple of weeks to think about it. He said “I don’t know if I love you as much as you love me,” and then told me what his coworker said about not wanting to hurt her boyfriend. He said he felt weird because this girl felt so bad and so guilty, but he wasn’t feeling bad at all. He said “I just don’t know how I’d feel if I hurt you.” I told him that there wasn’t a reason for him to feel guiilty because he would not have been cheating, he had permission. Then I asked him if he would feel bad if he didnt have my permission. He said, “I dunno,” and the way he said it made me ask if he had ever cheated on me before. He said 3 years ago, when still in college, he made out with a girl one night.
Now, three years ago we had been dating 2 1/2 years, so it is not like we just started dating when that happened. I have told him many times that I would never be with someone who has cheated on me because trust is so important to me and he knew that. I know they just made out,but cheating is cheating and the fact that he never had the guts to tell me until 3 years later is insane.
Anyways the discussion went on and I asked if he was scared about being together because of the open-relationship thing and he continually denied that it had anything to do with how he was feeling. I told him that if he was seriously having these doubts he should have discussed it with me, and he said they are recent and he was planning on proposing, he even bought the ring (side note: I saw the ring and it was really beautiful, but under the circumstances just made me cry). I told him I thought we needed to break up and he started to cry.
After that his whole tune changed. I stayed with a friend that night and he messaged me the next day, I have the transcript if anyone’s interested, but he basially apologized over and over and said he just got cold feet. He said he really doesn’t have any doubts and he loves me more than anything, can’t lose me, can’t wait to marry me, etc. For the past 2 weeks he has been doing all these chores, making dinner, taking me out, etc. trying to make it up to me. He is saying all the right things, but now I just don’t know what to do.
I always thought we had this incredible, special relationship. We never fought like my friends did with each other, we get along great, we have similar goals in life. It seems so silly to say now, but I thought our love was like a fairy tale. I thought we were the lucky ones, and I never would have imagined this happening.
I just don’t know what I should do. Some of my friends think it could just be cold feet, or the pressure of my nagging about proposing might have freaked him out. Others think it is because of the open relationship scenario. Side note: I in no way need to be in an open relationship and if we stay together it most likely will not be. Anyway the few guy friends I have talked to seem to agree that men don’t generally just say things that they don’t mean. They think I should take a break and give myself some time away from him.
So, WHAT DO I DO?
Do I just believe my bf that he was having a long week and was getting nervous about proposing and marriage and freaked out? Should I forgive him for cheating on me? I don’t know if I am over reacting about this. But him saying he doesn’t know if he’d care if he hurt me, and that he doesnt know if he loves me as much as I love him, just kills me. I feel like I replay those lines through my head all day. Now I feel like I can’t trust him and I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know if I should spend some time away from him and stay with friends and think about it or if should just stick with him and try to make things work. He said I could take all the time I need to think about it, but I’m just not sure if I believe that everything he said was just from “cold feet” and none of it is true.
I will take any advice on the issue. Thanks for your help. Again, sorry for the length of the post I was trying to include everything. 🙁