Brother-in-law in wedding party; sister-in-law not–help!

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2962 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I wouldnt think too much into it. Maybe she had a number limit and she only wanted her nearest and dearest (from what I’m seeing everyone is blood on her side). I didn’t have my SIL in my wedding though I had been with DH for 5 years before getting married but he had his brothers on his side. Nothing much you can do about it now anyway. It’s just one day and it’s HER day. Did you have her in your wedding?

 

Post # 4
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

i would definitely not saying anything. most importantly, how is your relationship with her?

we have his BIL and both our sisters in the WP, but i refused to have my BIL because he’s become a douche in the last couple years.

i feel for you that you’re going to feel “alone” in the audience, but it’s really not a big deal! we’ll never know others reasons for who they include/excluse in their WP.

Post # 5
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@jenniebride10:  Is this your husband’s sister? (Just for clarification purposes)

We have a large wedding party that includes ALL of his siblings, my cousins (2 male and 1 female) his male cousin, my 2 best friends, his best friend and his 2 BILs. This leaves his brothers’ wives out of the mix. He picked the BILs because he’s good friends with them. I love my ALL of my SILs but once I included his sisters and my friends, I just couldn’t add anymore people.

We can’t have everyone in the wedding and unforunately someone needed to be cut so the SILs by marriage had to be it. I wouldn’t take offense although I understand where you are coming from. Also if they aren’t too near their wedding, they may end up asking you to do a reading or help as an assistant at the wedding.

Many times these cuts aren’t personal but that you have to draw the line somewhere.

Post # 7
Member
2720 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t overthink it. It’s probably a numbers thing. Maybe she wanted exactly four bridesmaids. Maybe the groom specifically wanted his cousin in the wedding or maybe she specifically asked for her BIL to be in the wedding party. Trust me, you will be fine sitting in the audience.

Post # 8
Member
7075 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Are you close to her? If you wouldn’t consider her a close friend, I don’t really think you should expect to be in the bridal party….

Post # 9
Member
2209 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jenniebride10:  This stuff can be so tricky and sucky.  🙁  But, it looks to me that they want 4 people standing up on both sides, and the BIL just kind of filled the requirement of 4 guys on the groom’s side. 

She has just her biologically related relatives on her side (3 sisters and a cousin), so I would try not to take it as a slight.  Now, if she had another female in-law on her side, then it could get dicey.

Maybe she will ask you to have some other role in the wedding, such as a reading?  It can be hard to figure out how to include everyone.

Post # 10
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I sort of did the same thing to my sister in law at my wedding – I had my two sisters and best friend as my three bridesmaids. My husband doesn’t have a lot of close friends, and the ones he does have weren’t able to make it to our destination wedding. So he had his brother as the best man, and my sisters’ two husbands (his new brothers in law) as his groomsmen, so that the sides were even.

That meant that my husband’s brother’s wife was basically the only one of all our siblings/spouses who wasn’t in the bridal party. But she lives overseas, I don’t really know her or ever see her, so it felt strange to me to have her as a bridesmaid. We had her sitting at the head table with us though, just so she could sit with her husband and daughter (who was our flower girl). Hopefully she wasn’t offended, but I really wouldn’t have expected her to pick me as a bridesmaid either of course. Sometimes you just pick people to make up the sides, and I think that happens a lot more often on the groom’s side than the bride’s side, as women often have more close friends than men do? I really wouldn’t take it personally at all, I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be offensive.

Post # 11
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@jenniebride10:  “I agree that saying something probably isn’t right, but it seems so odd for her to have her brother-in-law be a groomsman but not have her sister-in-law be a bridemaid.”

Why is that odd? You’re drawing the comparison strictly based on the fact that you are both the spouses of her siblings. In reality, there are a lot of factors that could be involved. Maybe the groom is closer to the brother-in-law than the bride is to you. Not everyone can be in everything…an obvious answer is that it’s a numbers thing; if they are each having four people on their side, they have to choose the 4 people they want in the bridal party most and someone will inevitably not be in it. You’re taking this personally when it doesn’t have to be that big of deal. Sure it probably sucks that you have to watch from the sidelines, but I hardly think this was a jab at you. This comes off a little childish and pouty. Do you expect them to make up a role for you just because?

Post # 12
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@jenniebride10:  If it were me, I think I would feel left out, too. 🙁  Now, I know this is not the same as being in the wedding party, but could you ask if there was some other way for you to help her out?  Maybe she could use your help in a non-bridesmaid capacity, like with the guest book or something.  Like I said, it’s not the same as being in the party, but it could be nice to help without the pressure of being a BM!

Post # 13
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think you should take this too personally.  I don’t think she didn’t have you in the wedding party to offend you.  I don’t think it really matters who’s single/engaged/married in the bridal party.  I will be having all of the above in mine,  Also, are you really close to her?  I don’t feel like you should be required to have your FSIL/FBIL, ect in the wedding just because the family is marrying….each person sees things in their own way.  I vote you brush it off and just enjoy the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@jenniebride10:  The only advice I have for you is to get over it. I had my sisters in law in my wedding party and only one of their husbands (there were 3 sisters). I didn’t think anything of it. It’s their day and they’ll have who they want in their wedding. If you understand that, this post shouldn’t exist. If you don’t understand that, try.

Post # 15
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@jenniebride10:  It’s her choice.

You must not be close to her, right? I hear all the time that the choice of bridal party should be based on friendships, not entitlement (because you happened to be married to her brother). Sorry!

I will have same situation because I am excluding FBIL girlfriend who I don’t know well but I don’t like to e expected too choose her.

In your case, you could feel little entitled because you’ve been to a family for 3 years. thta’s too bad but thy to be a good SIL and respect her wishes.

Did you choose her as your BM at your wedding??

Post # 16
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@jenniebride10:  also… what possibly can you do about it?  azk bride to name you her BM just because you dont want to be excluded? 

would you like to be that bridesmaid that bride did not choose at the first place but out of obligation!?

maybe bride does not see you as close… or involved in her lide. maybe it is a numbers thing. 

tell bride youd be thrilled to do a reading. that is ok

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