Post # 1
I need your help on this one. I have been with my FI for 5 years now. We are getting married June 2014. I have been waiting for this special time in our lives for a very, very, long time. We have been through a lot in our relationship, which included living with his brother for the first year of our relationship.
Long story short. FI has an opening in his company. BIL has been on the 8-year-plan with college and has since he moved out the first time-had several occasions where he considered moving back in with us and working at FI’s company. I have expressed many times over the years to FI that I would prefer to be done with the co-habitating period in our lives as we are approaching marriage and will be TTC shortly after. BIL just happened to express to FI that he wants to quit school and start making an income. He wants to support his new GF, and take care of her.
So all this means that I could have BIL moving in, in the next few weeks, and potentially living with us for the rest of our an engagement/first married months. As a woman, I imagine you all know how ‘special’ this time in life is-it is SO important to me. We have a very small two bedroom house, with barely enough room for the two of us and our two cats. All of my wedding stuff is stored in our spare bedroom now. That would all have to change.
To make matters worse-BIL’s new GF is completely new to me. I don’t know her at all, and the first time she met BIL’s family (grandmother, dad, aunts cousins, sister, etc.) she was dressed in practically nothing. She has flirted-super over the top with my FI (touching him, grabbed his arm, laughing at everything he said, bent over right in front of him for no apparent reason etc.). She is a 20-year-old girl, who dresses like (I’m sorry) a “skank”.
BIL moving in means this girl will be staying here for extended periods of time and then possibly moving in with us after her school semester ends in May (a month before our wedding, WOW!). Needless to say, this was our first real argument in over a year. I am extremely upset with the idea of all of this, and it will undoubtedly destroy this special time for me. I have even considered moving out. I have started prenatals-I’m in a totally different mode then cohabitating with other people in the middle of planning our wedding and enjoying the last of our engagement.
I don’t know if I could forgive FI if he goes through with this. It would be a different story if BIL was flat broke and had nowhere to stay. SIL has stayed with us multiple times when she has been in need-I don’t have a problem with helping out family. I have a problem with imposing a huge lifestyle change right before we are to get married-for completely unnecessary reasons. FI can easily find new employee’s that have experience who would jump at this opportunity-but instead is encouraging his brother to quit school and move from another state to come here? He has ZERO experience and doesn’t have the best track record with jobs (or school). Seems like a HUGE gamble.
What do you all think?
Post # 3
@kaylaann: I think you weaken your argument with all the specific assumptions about why you don’t want him there- your “special time,” the wedding stuff being in that room, his past history of working. The moment you give specifics you open up a discussion on each one. Tell your fiance that, given everything he and you have going on, you think it’s reasonable to host your BIL for 1-2 weeks max while he finds a place to live. Longer than that is out of the question.
Post # 4
I’m completely with you on this one!
If he was broke with no place else in the world to go, I MIGHT (and only might) let him move in. But he wants to move in just for funsies? No way!
You guys are going to be a family unit very soon. And unless you’re interested in an ancestral home, that family unit doesn’t include his brother!
Post # 5
@kaylaann: We have been through a lot in our relationship, which included living with his brother for the first year of our relationship.
Just to be clear, you lived with him for a year. Was that at his place or yours?
Post # 6
@julies1949: I agree it matters. Your bil new girlfriend is stupid she should respect your and your fiance.
Post # 7
I agree with the other poster of putting your BIL up for a maximum of a month so he can find his own place.
When my husband and I moved here from out of state we stayed at my BIL’s house. We set a maximum of 3 months, but I was miserable and didn’t last more than 1 month. I don’t know his brother that well so it was kind of awkward. I was scared about making messes and stuff. He made a comment once about how he doesn’t cook because he wants his house to still smell new. Ok… so that meant I could not really cook (which I like to do). We had our own living area but if I was there I would feel pressured to hang out with him while husband was at work. At the same time his brother never initiated conversations with me.. no “good morning” or even “hi”. It got to the point where I would purposely stay out of the house doing nothing (shopping, killing time) until my husband got out of work so I wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness alone. Husband and I also got into a disagreement over something and it was not fun having an audience. I felt like I could not say what I wanted to without things getting back to my MIL and FIL. We had takeout a lot and our food bills would end up being for all of us instead of just us two. Plus, I felt like a third wheel a lot more. Husband naturally wanted to hang out with his brother during his free time and that ate into our quality time together with just the two of us.
Bottom line for me was that I moved out of state to better my living situation not to take a step back. I wanted to have a place where I could do what I wanted without being afraid of being judged or making messes, etc. I wanted to feel relaxed and comfortable in my home. Having a roommate was just not for me.
Post # 8
Thank you all for your support. To clarify, I moved in with my FI and his Brother when we first got together. Of course brother was asked ahead of time if that was something he was comfortable with and he said yes. We actually have, and generally do, get along acceptionally well. To the point where we say “I love you” like family.
I adore my FI’s family, his brother included. I just don’t feel this is the necessary move at the moment. FI says it will be 4 months, and “temporary”. Its just that the time period leads up to the wedding and I have had enough on my plate as it is. The idea of having an entire lifestyle change in the midst of it all-is overwhelming.
Ultimately, I don’t want to threaten our relationship by putting my foot down on this one. I don’t think it is worth it in the end. I just think there will need to be some crystal clear boundaries, and I think 4 months is excessive. He would likely have enough to find a place after 1-2 months at the company.
I feel like this was the ultimate test of loyalty to our relationship and how much of a priority our marriage will be. I am concerned with how unsupportive and hurtful he has been around this-like I was expected to be okay with the idea-or even happy about it for him. Because I am not, apparently its a “red flag” for him. Yikes.
I have waited for this time since I was a little girl, and have waited a really long time in this relationship for us to be at this point. He is making me feel petty and selfish for wanting to protect this period before our marriage. He doesn’t understand that this is time we will never get back. All I wanted was some sensitivity and support. I got anger instead.
I have already told him that I will “get over it” and accept this happening & make the best of the situation. Thats how much I am willing to sacrifice for his happiness. I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness. But because I didn’t do it quietly and happily, somehow I have failed him & now he is avoiding me.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is I realize what is most important to him is being back with his brother again, and he is willing to sacrifice his soon to be wife’s happiness for it.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
I had the same thing happen. BIL ended up living with us a couple of months after we got engaged, which I really didn’t like. Like you, I had waited 5 years to get engaged and I did feel like it was tainted because I was now living with FI and his brother, who were acting like frat brothers.
I welcomed him in but after it became apparent that he wasn’t moving on with his life, I got really resentful. At one point I was ready to move out. FI finally told him he had to leave, after a year. It’s ancient history now, but I will NEVER have a family member live with us again.
“I don’t know what to do. All I know is I realize what is most important to him is being back with his brother again, and he is willing to sacrifice his soon to be wife’s happiness for it.”
I felt the same way. He just wanted us both to be happy. I tried to spin it to myself as FI being a good person, looking out for his brother, like we should all look out for our families. His brother needed us, and we were able to help him get his life back in order. It helped, but after 11 months had passed, we knew we were just enabling him and he needed to go.
Post # 10
@sherryberry: Thank you so much for your response. Thats gives me some perspective. I don’t know what the circumstances were around your BIL needing help, but in my situation BIL has cash from his family to support him going through school even despite him dropping out several times and changing his major.
He has plenty of other living options other than our tiny house. The reason he wants to quit school is to get a job right away and earn a good income. My FI has offered him a job at his company many times over the years & he has always ended up flaking & turning down the opportunity.
I just think its odd that he would choose to quit school now-with only a year to graduation so he can come here. The point I’m trying to make is that this is NOT a family member in need. Anytime his sister has needed help I have been more that wonderfully supportive and welcoming to her.
This is a rash decision at an extremely inappropriate time. I don’t think we can TTC with him living in our tiny paper thin house. I believe I am strong enough to overcome this, I just wanted to feel like FI has my back. He has so far been really horrible about all of this. That concerns me more than his brother moving in. He’s supposed to be my #1 supporter, my partner, my best friend, my love. The fact that he is so angry at me for being upset about it is scary to me.
I need him to just tell me it will all be okay, and he will make it as short lived as possible & that we will both agree to the boundaries that I’m comfortable with. This doesn’t feel like a partnership anymore, it feels like a dictatorship.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t even consider the idea of a roomate, especially not so close to your wedding. For starters, whatever time line they give you, be it a week, or a month, or six months…throw that out the window, because more than likely, his brother will not be moving out when you plan on him moving out. The fact that he would potentially want his girlfriend to move in with you as well is an absolute no.
It sounds like Brother has some growing up to do….and that should start with finishing school and being repsonsible to finding his own job and his own apartment/living situation.
Obviously it’s your relationship, but I would absolutely put my foot down that this would NOT happen. Not for four months, not for a week, nothing.
Post # 12
i think staying for 2 months or less and being gone by the wedding would be fine. but then to be the period before the wedding plannign etc wasnt a particularly “special” time, the period as newly weds was
Post # 13
@newname_99: Thats a good point. I do think being young and engaged is special, but I agree with all the planning & stuff around the wedding, its not the most awesome time anyways.
I guess thats my issue though, it will be difficult to plan with all that change. I can deal with it if its just a couple months and he is gone a couple months before the wedding. I am going to suggest that & that if BIL wants to visit his GF, he can go visit her.
If you saw the way our house is set up y’all would be like “hell no”. Its a crazy awkward layout for having a roommate. we also have super limited storage space. If FI can deal with that part-empty out the closets-find a place for everything & make sure his brother will be moved out at least one month before the wedding, I will be okay with it.
I do not want his GF staying with us over her spring break, that is the same time as my bridal shower & I wanted FI’s sisters & mom to be able to stay with us.
As long as BIL respects the boundaries and moves out ASAP, and doesn’t bring his GF around I will be fine. I just highly doubt all of the above will happen.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
Yeah, room-mates pretty much never move out when they are suppose to. BIL was supposed to be with us for a couple of months, tops. I don’t think your FI’s brother should be quitting school and moving in with you guys. Why would that be the best thing for his girlfriend? If I were the girlfriend, I would run the other way from a guy who quits school a year before finishing to go and crash with his brother…
In our case, BIL was dealing with some really traumatic stuff and needed to regroup. We didn’t charge him rent and we gave him time to find a job. Sure, I was annoyed, but he needed us and especially needed his brother. It gave them a chance to have a good sibling relationship and now he is on his own two feet and over here visiting all the time. It ended well. That situation was necessary (at least for awhile) but I don’t think yours is unless there is more that you don’t know about. What has your FI said about it?
Post # 15
@sherryberry: Fi feels that it is BIL’s decision and if this is what he wants to do, he wants to support him & give him a launching point to be successful in life. He is trying to help his brother, but I also believe he has wanted his brother to come back ever since he moved out.
There are other options for filling the position at his company, he could find employees that have the experience they need. BIL has virtually none. But I guess thats the point isnt it? Its to help him become a man & be successful.
I think his intentions are good, but the decision is a risky one. I think overall my negative reaction to it could’ve been minimized if he was more supportive & acknowledge what a huge sacrifice it is on my part.
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Yuck, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I worry about your wording: it feels like a dictatorship.
I know people can be pretty intense about family. I’m super close to my family and if my sister needed to move in with me and my FI I would probably *assume* he’d be fine with it… until he told me he wasn’t. Then I’d probably be pissed off. But at some point, I’d have to come around to the fact that we are a couple– not a dictatorship. If something really bothers him, I have to think about it and work for a solution, not just dig my heels in.
And in your case, it doesn’t really sound like your BIL *needs* to move in, it’s more that he wants to and your FI want him to as well.
I guess the way to look at this situation is as an opportunity. Maybe you can arrange to have a chat about it when neither of you is already annoyed. Then you can put forward your thoughts and your limit and remind your FI that you will be making joint decisions for the rest of your lives; he can’t just dig his heels in.
Good luck! And I’m glad to hear you really like your BIL. That’s one good thing!