Brother in law moving in a few months before the wedding?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@kaylaann:  I think you weaken your argument with all the specific assumptions about why you don’t want him there- your “special time,” the wedding stuff being in that room, his past history of working. The moment you give specifics you open up a discussion on each one. Tell your fiance that, given everything he and you have going on, you think it’s reasonable to host your BIL for 1-2 weeks max while he finds a place to live. Longer than that is out of the question. 

Post # 4
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m completely with you on this one!

If he was broke with no place else in the world to go, I MIGHT (and only might) let him move in. But he wants to move in just for funsies? No way!

You guys are going to be a family unit very soon. And unless you’re interested in an ancestral home, that family unit doesn’t include his brother!

Post # 5
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@kaylaann:  We have been through a lot in our relationship, which included living with his brother for the first year of our relationship. 

Just to be clear, you lived with him for a year. Was that at his place or yours?

Post # 6
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

@julies1949:  I agree it matters. Your bil new girlfriend is stupid she should respect your and your fiance.

Post # 7
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with the other poster of putting your BIL up for a maximum of a month so he can find his own place. 

When my husband and I moved here from out of state we stayed at my BIL’s house.  We set a maximum of 3 months, but I was miserable and didn’t last more than 1 month.  I don’t know his brother that well so it was kind of awkward.  I was scared about making messes and stuff.  He made a comment once about how he doesn’t cook because he wants his house to still smell new.  Ok… so that meant I could not really cook (which I like to do).  We had our own living area but if I was there I would feel pressured to hang out with him while husband was at work.  At the same time his brother never initiated conversations with me.. no “good morning” or even “hi”.  It got to the point where I would purposely stay out of the house doing nothing (shopping, killing time) until my husband got out of work so I wouldn’t have to deal with the awkwardness alone.  Husband and I also got into a disagreement over something and it was not fun having an audience.  I felt like I could not say what I wanted to without things getting back to my MIL and FIL. We had takeout a lot and our food bills would end up being for all of us instead of just us two.  Plus, I felt like a third wheel a lot more.  Husband naturally wanted to hang out with his brother during his free time and that ate into our quality time together with just the two of us. 

Bottom line for me was that I moved out of state to better my living situation not to take a step back.  I wanted to have a place where I could do what I wanted without being afraid of being judged or making messes, etc.  I wanted to feel relaxed and comfortable in my home.  Having a roommate was just not for me.

Post # 9
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

I had the same thing happen. BIL ended up living with us a couple of months after we got engaged, which I really didn’t like. Like you, I had waited 5 years to get engaged and I did feel like it was tainted because I was now living with FI and his brother, who were acting like frat brothers.

I welcomed him in but after it became apparent that he wasn’t moving on with his life, I got really resentful. At one point I was ready to move out. FI finally told him he had to leave, after a year. It’s ancient history now, but I will NEVER have a family member live with us again.

“I don’t know what to do. All I know is I realize what is most important to him is being back with his brother again, and he is willing to sacrifice his soon to be wife’s happiness for it.”

I felt the same way. He just wanted us both to be happy. I tried to spin it to myself as FI being a good person, looking out for his brother, like we should all look out for our families. His brother needed us, and we were able to help him get his life back in order. It helped, but after 11 months had passed, we knew we were just enabling him and he needed to go.


Post # 11
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I wouldn’t even consider the idea of a roomate, especially not so close to your wedding.  For starters, whatever time line they give you, be it a week, or a month, or six months…throw that out the window, because more than likely, his brother will not be moving out when you plan on him moving out.  The fact that he would potentially want his girlfriend to move in with you as well is an absolute no.  

It sounds like Brother has some growing up to do….and that should start with finishing school and being repsonsible to finding his own job and his own apartment/living situation.  

Obviously it’s your relationship, but I would absolutely put my foot down that this would NOT happen.  Not for four months, not for a week, nothing.  


Post # 12
2884 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

i think staying for 2 months or less and being gone by the wedding would be fine. but then to be the period before the wedding plannign etc wasnt a particularly “special” time, the period as newly weds was

Post # 14
3271 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat

Yeah, room-mates pretty much never move out when they are suppose to. BIL was supposed to be with us for a couple of months, tops. I don’t think your FI’s brother should be quitting school and moving in with you guys. Why would that be the best thing for his girlfriend? If I were the girlfriend, I would run the other way from a guy who quits school a year before finishing to go and crash with his brother… 

In our case, BIL was dealing with some really traumatic stuff and needed to regroup. We didn’t charge him rent and we gave him time to find a job. Sure, I was annoyed, but he needed us and especially needed his brother. It gave them a chance to have a good sibling relationship and now he is on his own two feet and over here visiting all the time. It ended well. That situation was necessary (at least for awhile) but I don’t think yours is unless there is more that you don’t know about. What has your FI said about it?

Post # 16
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Yuck, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I worry about your wording: it feels like a dictatorship. 

I know people can be pretty intense about family. I’m super close to my family and if my sister needed to move in with me and my FI I would probably *assume* he’d be fine with it… until he told me he wasn’t. Then I’d probably be pissed off. But at some point, I’d have to come around to the fact that we are a couple– not a dictatorship. If something really bothers him, I have to think about it and work for a solution, not just dig my heels in.

And in your case, it doesn’t really sound like your BIL *needs* to move in, it’s more that he wants to and your FI want him to as well.

I guess the way to look at this situation is as an opportunity. Maybe you can arrange to have a chat about it when neither of you is already annoyed. Then you can put forward your thoughts and your limit and remind your FI that you will be making joint decisions for the rest of your lives; he can’t just dig his heels in. 

Good luck! And I’m glad to hear you really like your BIL. That’s one good thing!

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