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I am so sorry you had to deal with this!!! I can't believe your brother would do that! I wish I had some advice, but I don't....I really am so sorry that happened to you!
I am so sorry, That is a terrible thing for them to do. How does your husband feel? The very vindictive side of me says DONT GO! or GO AND RUIN IT! But that won't solve anything. I would absolutely talk with your brother in law and his fiancee with your husband, because they need to apologize.
THAT is a wedding nightmare and thats so unfair that you had to go through that on your wedding night!!
Im not so sure how talking to them would make things any better, but you could definately try. They both sound very self absorbed and very selfish. If you dont want to go to the wedding, i say.. dont go! But talk to your husband about this and if you think it will cause a fight between you two then you can decide then. I know he is now family and all but really? Im a firm believer in NOT doing anything that will make you uncomfortable. on your wedding night?!?! that is too rude for words and too tacky. Im sorry that happened to you!! But remember-dont do anything that you dont want to do
Wow, I can't believe your brother was so selfish. I don't know what to say except that I'm sorry!
Wow, i'd be pretty upset too..i'm sorry that it had to happen to you on your wedding day...maybe you could talk to them about how you feel?... hmm, not quite sure..hard situation..=T
Oh, that's terrible. My FI admitted to me that he had considered proposing to me at our friend's wedding reception, mainly because all our friends would be there which would be nice, but that he'd changed his mind because he knew it would be "tacky." I was mortified just hearing him say he'd considered it, I mean, "tacky" doesn't begin to cover it! If only there were some resource for men to learn all the etiquette rules that we all go to so much effort to absorb, there might be a lot less hurt feelings in the whole wedding process.
The only thing I can think of that might be useful would be to ask your husband to have a talk with his brother and really drive home the point of how hurtful their behavior was, and how you'd like to maintain a good relationship with them but that they have made it extremely difficult by ruining such a special day for you. He should probably talk to his parents as well to work through the matter of them leaving the wedding reception early (!). Hopefully once they realize how much they hurt you, they'll apologize and you can start to heal.
Ugh. What awful behavior. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't... I guess try to take the high road, attend and be polite, but don't bother doing lots of extra work.
Oh man, that sounds awful.
You could always go to his wedding but during the reception, announce to everyone that you and your husband are pregnant?
Haha, I actually thought of that Mr. Bee!
It came to mind, because my sister just told my immeidate family a couple weeks before my wedding that she was 5 months pregnant (long story) and most of the people at the wedding found out at my wedding.
Anyway, do you know why he chose to propose at your wedding reception?
:( I opened this thinking it would be a happy, excited post :(
Now I'm sad for you. It's a shame he didn't just talk to you guys about it ahead of time, so you could've been in on the fun and let them make an announcement and so forth - I mean, what better way to celebrate love than with MORE love?! It's sad that he felt like he had to go behind your backs to do it. :(
If you have a chance, I think it would be really great for you to get to spend some time with them before the wedding; if she won't have much time to plan, maybe you can help, since you just planned your own wedding! It could be a really great time of bonding with them, an invaluable opportunity since family tends to stick around ;)
I am so sorry....I cant imagine that happening!!! I wish you the best!
Ouch. That is tough. Has there been a chance for your new hubby to talk to his brother?
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That is unbelievable! I would've been so livid. I definitely don't think you have to make a lot of effort at their shotgun wedding. Even though it's not right, I'd be tempted to not bring a card or a gift to their wedding.
How does your husband feel about their behavior?
I think I would have been cool with all of it except for tha fact that some girls were pushed out of the way for the bouquet toss and that they asked to privately hijack your joint relatives at the reception.
Personally it wouldn't bother me if somebody asked another to marry them at my wedding, because I would think it would be because my wedding was so good that it brough out all the love inside of them!
But I wouldn't be happy with selfish behaviors like manipulating the bouquet toss (if I was doing one) and stealing away the relatives from the reception.
I may be wierd, but I hope that one of my closest bff's (and bridesmaid to be) would get engaged at my wedding. I'd love it. I am deliberately walking over (since almost all our friends are already married and it would be either her or my 14 year old neice vying for the bouquet) and handing it over to her.
I'm so sorry. And somewhat flabbergasted that your husband's family would choose to run off and celebrate their engagement rather than your wedding! At this point, you have a number of options. First off, I'd see if you and your husband are on the same page - does this whole situation bother him as much as it bothers you? If so, you get to present a united front. If not, then you need to decide whether it's worth it for you to approach your BIL and his fiancee, or just let it drop.
If your husband is on-board, then I think it should be up to him to approach his side of the family, and let them know that their actions were hurtful. But before he does that, you should probably decide whether you want to kill them with kindness (i.e. help your FSIL plan the wedding and provide advice) or just kill them (i.e. attend the festivities, bring no gift, and announce that you're pregnant). But if you intend to have any sort of family relationship with these people, you need to find a way to forgive them. Whether or not they deserve it!
Redherring is right. I would have a friendly talk with them and clear the air about this. If not, it could cause further family issues in the future. It was imho out of line what they did and they should understand this or else they may continue with their offending behaviors unchecked for a long, long time.
To me it wasn't the proposal at the wedding so bad, but their selfishness after they did it with the bouquet tossing and the way they stole away your family from your wedding day to celebrate in their own mini celebration within a celebration.
Wow... I am so totally sorry that happened. Bellenga gave you a great answer and worded it better than I could, but still.
Wow, thats really rude. Couldnt they have waited or told everyone later. My FI proposed to me when we were on a vacation...and also had a wedding to attend the next day...we said nothing, we were excited and wanted to tell eveyone...BUT it was their DAY.
@Mr Bee...lol.
The fact that he proposed at your reception is cute - because they will probably look back fondly on your wedding. but TOTALLY inconsiderate.
I think that you should go to their shotgun wedding, but also have a talk with them. They shouldn't expect so much from you, especially since they didn't help you at all. (you're saying that they want you to do a ton of things for them?)
I always have a this desire to be vengeful, but it never makes anyone feel all that great in the end. If you're all gonna be family in the end, you're going to have to deal with each other for the rest of your life. Might as well not stoop to their level of thoughtlessness. I just wouldn't go out of my way to help. I'd be happy for their marriage, but I definitely don't think it's fair for them to ask a lot of you guys.
honestly, it is always better to be the bigger person, but I wouldn't feel obligated to HELP them with the wedding or buy them a fancy gift (at least get them a card, tho)
I agree w/ some of the above, that it isn't so much the proposing that is bad as their overall selfish behavior. Sadly, I doubt they will change, but maybe after kids they will be forced to grow up!
Okay, I hate to say this, but I can be pretty vindictive.
If it were me, I'd go to their wedding and announce that I was pregnant. How's that for payback? After all is said and done, you can just tell them it was a false alarm, lol :D
I'm such a jerk.
But seriously... they deserve it.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that on your wedding day! I would have freaked out!
Aww , I'm so sorry!!! (((Hugs))) With that said... I don't see anything you do that entails being the "bigger person" getting through to these people. They clearly DO NOT CARE. I'd go to the ceremony, take a card, announce my "pregnancy" and leave. This is weird, I usually don't recommend stooping to anyone's level, but they'll never "get it" until they've walked a mile in someone else's shoes.
Do you mean shotgun wedding, like she's pregnant? Or just that they decided to rush it for some reason? You may or may not feel better if you sabatoge their reception with a pregnancy announcement, but I personally wouldn't want to jinx an unborn child that way. There's unfortunately not too much you can do, it's up to your husband to express his unhappiness for how you two were treated at your wedding by his family.
I feel a little sorry for your brother in law and his fiancee, it does not sound like they have a good relationship at all and I doubt the marriage will actually last. I would hope one day they realize what they did to you and your husband and apologize, but don't expect it.
Ohhhh man. That's straight up wrong. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that (and are still dealing with it). Your feelings need to come out, one way or another (through your husband or straight from you) because you're now related to these people and youre feelings are just going to fester until they come out in a way you might regret. Dang, I'm sorry about that. :(
I am so sorry about all of that! I would be so mad too! I'm with rainbow--I can get pretty vindictive under the right circumstances-I would so announce i'm pregnant.
You should really have your husband talk to his brother though.
Oh my gosh thank you everyone for being so sympathetic. On thing I have to clear up is that no one left my wedding reception to be with them, BUT they all had a private party (not inviting us) AFTER the reception back at the hotel. That's where the family went leaving us no chance to say goodbye to some of them because they were leaving early in the morning. I know the rest of the family well enough to know they were not being malicious, only trying to be supportive of them too. Unfortunately to our expense.
They have asked my husband to photograph the wedding (he is a professional photographer) and she has asked me now to sing her down the aisle! (I am a professional singer) I feel honored that she would ask me to do this but I feel like they are asking us to work their wedding. Of course I would never feel this way if I knew her well enough to love her, or if I felt like they did so much for us on our wedding day. I would bend over backwards for them.
A couple other things...My bridesmaids were the most wonderful girls in my life. I had them wear purple dresses that they could choose on their own, so all the girls had different dress styles. The B-I-L's girlfriend chose to come to the wedding in the exact color dress as my bridesmaids, so she looked like she could be one. I certainly didn't care, I had way too many other things to think about. I have now heard three or four times since the wedding that my B-I-L heard one of my bridesmaids say "I can't believe that bitch is wearing a bridesmaid's dress". Now, as much as I find this completely inappropriate, I don't believe it happened. I asked him who said this and of course he couldn't remember. Now let's say it did. Why would he tell everyone? Why would I still be hearing of this? Not only did they not do anything for us, but why are they adding to wedding drama? She has been engaged twice before and called off the wedding a week before both weddings. She has a child from one of those relationships with joint custody where the ex is totally involved in her life. It's a lot of drama that I didn't expect from my new family and I don't know why I keep dwelling on it instead of all the amazing things that happened on my wedding day. Maybe it's because I still have to go to their wedding? I just want them to ACKNOWLEDGE our wedding first. I got something in the mail from her today and thinking it may finally be a card for us but it was, of course, the invite to their wedding coming in four weeks.
I have talked to my husband and he has talked to his brother. The brother feels slightly bad, but he does not think what he did was wrong in the least. My mother and father in law are on our side, but they are so sweet, they want to support us all. The crazy fiance is so in her own universe she has no idea whats going on. I don't want to put my husband in the middle any more. He is hurting so badly that anything would have tainted our day. I need to move on, go to the wedding, and sing her down the aisle! I'm probably the perfect person to do this because I won't cry. HAHA.
Thanks for the advice and sympathy...It has felt really great to be able to vent here!
Hey there sorry this is happening to you. Some people just have to have the spotlight on them and this girl sounds like that. Just remember that the other guests and I'm sure family probably think it was tacky of them to get engaged on your big day. Go to the wedding and be sure to wear the same colors the BMs are wearing! LOL
Needing Help, I feel just sick about this. I'm so sorry for the way things played out at your wedding, and I'm sorry that you're still upset over it. Of course you are. {{Hugs}}
I think it's very big of you to agree to sing at their wedding considering their actions at yours. Why not wear a white dress to the ceremony (maybe recycle your wedding gown?) and surprise them with a rendition of Billy Joel's "Always a Woman" (one of those songs that you think is a love song, but he's actually ripping her apart)!
NO, I'M KIDDING!!!!!
I really hope you can mend bridges with this couple, because everyone's right, they're family now. You may not get closure right away (it may come months or years down the road when you're casually chatting over a drink), but I don't think you'll feel any better by doing something to sabotage their wedding. You are clearly more evolved than they are, and whereas they don't see anything wrong with what they did, it would haunt you in some small way that you stooped to their level.
Wait for the right moment and address it with them directly in a non-confrontational way. I'm sure if nothing else it will feel good to eventually get it off your chest and to let it be known in no uncertain terms that it was hurtful to you and you hope they'll be more sensitive to others (especially you) in the future.
I know this thread is nine months old, but if those two jerks had done that at my wedding, I might seriously consider anonymously hiring a singing Elvis impersonator to start belting out tunes sometime during the middle of their ceremony.
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Hey everyone...I have been having a lot of trouble since our very recent wedding day forgiving my new brother in law and his girlfriend/fiance. It was my first time meeting her and she sounded really cool and I was very excited to meet her. When they got to town though, they were totally absorbed in themselves and did nothing to support us. She was invited to my shower and didn't even bring a card and kept pulling focus. Then they fought all weekend and she complained that he had not proposed to her yet even though they have not been dating even a year. They disappeared during our reception. They were kind enough to not make an announcement but started going around telling everyone except us about it. All of a sudden I was being made to throw my bouquet (which I wasn't going to do because I had a friend going through a divorce and didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable) later to find out girls were pushed out of the way because she had just been proposed to. (She got the bouquet) After the wedding my husband's family disappeared to celebrate their engagement instead of spending more time with us, the bride and groom. They left without saying goodbye and have yet to give us a wedding gift or even a simple card or gesture acknowledging our wedding. They are having a shotgun wedding next month and I am having a hard time with the idea of even going let alone doing all the things they are asking us to do for them.
How can I handle this?