Post # 1
A few weeks ago me and my future SIL had an argument. To be honest, I had been drinking and got overly emotional about a comment she made to me.
She wanted to go clubbing but my brother didn’t so he came back to me and FI’s house. We were chatting and I told him something I’ve always wanted to ask him if he’s happy and inlove becuase sometimes he doesn’t seem happy. I know that it probably wasn’t my place to comment on his relationship but he is my brother and I wanted to make sure he was happy. He told me that he “thinks he is happy” so I left the conversation at that.
I realised that I had left my phone at the friends house we had all been at so when we went back to pick it up I had a talk with SIL. I told her how I felt she controlled my life sometimes with statements such as “your SO cannot propose to you before my engagement party” “you can’t have your wedding in the same year as us” “you can’t get pregnant before my wedding” (all of which I have agreed to in an effort to keep the peace). For reference, I have been with FI for almost 7 years so feel she has no right in telling me that we can’t get engaged or married in a certain time frame… She told me that she made these comments because she feels that my SO had so many years to propose to me so why did he chose to do it at a similar time to them. Anyway, I told her what I had asked my brother about being happy and inlove and she assured me that they were.
The following Monday she emailed me asking if we were all good and I said that we were. She replied saying that she was upset about me saying that my brother didn”t seem happy sometimes and once again assured me that they were both very much happy and inlove.
A couple of weeks later my brother and I were at Mum’s and he asked me if SIL was “being ok now”. I told him that it was like it never happened apart from that she was upset about me asking if he was happy and inlove. He said “I think she loves me but I don’t love her” WTF?! Why is he marrying her then?!
A couple of days later I find out that they have bought his wedding band and sent out wedding invitations. I feel so annoyed that he told me that he doesn’t love her when he is still going to marry her. I feel like he burdened my with this information and there is nothing I can do about it.
What should I do/say? nothing?! (oh, and I am her MOH and her best friend which makes this situation even worse)
Post # 3
I would say something to your brother, definitely. But as for your friend, I’m not sure. Given her recent rude and controlling comments, she may think you are just trying to stir up drama and hurt her, which isn’t what you are doing.
Post # 4
I would say something to your brother [and only because he is your brother], and not mention anything to his fiance – it really isn’t your place.
He should really stand up and break it off if he doesn’t love her.. he’s hurting both of them.
Post # 5
I would not talk to your FSIL about this. That will only cause problems if she’s already controlling.
I would talk to my brother, asking him how he feels and why he wants to get married. Did he just say that because he was upset? Does he know that your family will support him even if he cancels the wedding? All you can do is be there for him and stand by whatever decision he makes.
Post # 6
At the time he said it I was shocked and didn’t know how to respond. All I said was that you know when you love someone and that I definiely know that I am inlove with my FI. She is his first serious girlfriend and he said that he doesn’t know what love is and that love is over-rated. I didn’t really know what to say after that and don’t know how to bring it up again.
Post # 7
Hi @anonymous1989: I see this is your DEBUT post on WBee… so a BIG welcome to “the Hive”
You mentioned that he said this at your Mothers while you were both there…
I take it from your post that he said it to you alone in confidence.
If I were you I would bring it up with him again… the next time you are together at your Mother’s again.
I think he needs to know that if he truly feels this way (could have been cold feet talking) then his family will love and support him all the same.
I would like to see your Mother get involved because she has some life experience… unlike yourself who also isn’t married.
Your Mom will know the ups & downs of marriage… and what it is like over the long term not just as Newlyweds & the Lovey Dovey Honeymoon Stage.
Cause ya, if he is having these thoughts now, marriage won’t cure any of that… it will only make things worse over time.
Breaking up with someone is difficult at the best of times… worse if one is Engaged.
BUT it is H3LL if you are married… Divorce sucks. It is the worst thing in the world, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
Something has to be resolved BEFORE you Brother Marries. Either he overcomes his doubts… or someone speaks up and tells the truth.
As things are now, the marriage should not go ahead.
It sucks that it is all falling on your Shoulders… but so be it… you cannot forget what was said to you. You must know more / clear the air with your Brother in order to go forward as a supporter of his Marriage. You don’t really want to be put into a position where you are an accomplice to this fraud.
Hope this helps,
Post # 8
Oh my goodness my brother just showed up to our house. I’ll try and find the guts to say something. Will update shortly
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I would say something to your brother, but I do warn you not to expect anything to come of it. If he decides that he is going to go through with it, then whether or not he loves her or whether or not they are right for each other (and believe me, we are dealing with this in my family right now), the #1 quality of a lasting marriage is commitment, not love. If he’s committed to marrying her, then hopefully they will make it work.
I hope he changes his mind though- she sounds like a b****
Post # 10
Thanks for the advice 🙂
So I didn’t bring it up tonight because he was talking to my FI the whole time. He came from the pub down the road and asked me if I could text FSIL since his phone had died and get her to pick him up. When she turned up she was not happy at all! This seems to be quite a common occurance for them (him staying out late and her having to get out of bed and come and pick him up). I definitely can’t relate to this as me and FI are together 24/7 and even work together lol but I believe that his behaviour is confirming that he doesn’t love her.
Next time we are alone I will try and say something to him. Though its such an awkward situation I know it will be hard for me to bring it up.
Post # 11
I think you should tell him to reconsider the marriage, but other than that I really don’t think its any of your business :-/
He’s a grown adult and his choices are his own. The best you can do is warn him, but you can’t expect him to call off his engagement just because you disagree with the situation. Sucks though. That would be difficult.
In regard to her trying to control you – I would ignore it. I’d go about my life as if she didn’t say anything – get engaged, married, and have kids as though she didn’t even exist. Her problem, not yours.
Post # 12
@anonymous1989: Men can be in abusive relationships too. And they are much more likely to be emotionally abusive. She sounds like a bully.
Research how to approach a family member who might be in an abusive relationship. I’m not saying this is the case, but they will give you the best and most compassionate approach.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
@anonymous1989: He’s your brother! I definitely think that you have every right/reason to talk to him about it.
I don’t think you should talk to FSIL about it… Although your comment at the end makes me a little more hesitant to say that. I would have a hard time not telling my best friend if I knew her FI didn’t love her. I would say that maybe you could very gingerly bring up the topic. Don’t tell her that your brother doesn’t love her, but maybe just bring it up so she thinks about it… But really, you already did that when you talked to her about whether or not they’re happy.
Post # 14
@anonymous1989: What a messy triangle. I just re-read and saw that you’re her best friend and MOH. Is she your best friend and MOH too?
I’m inclined to say your loyalty should lie with your brother. Not automatically but I say this because it seems like you two have a good relationship. While his FI doesn’t seem to be treating him well, that’s her problem…but since he’s a grown man, it’s ultimately his problem. Help your brother through this problem just by lending an ear. But I wouldn’t say anything to her; you’re not their relationship counselor, you’re his sister.
Post # 15
@anonymous1989: I think you should definitely talk to your brother, but don’t necessarily expect anything to come of it. People are allowed and expected to make their own decisions, so will in the end probably still do what he wants to do, whatever that decision may be. It’s not your job to tell him what to do or to be pushy, just be supportive and see where the conversation goes.
Post # 16
I think that it is appropriate as his sister to sit down and talk to your brother. But don’t pass judgment on him, just ask him how he feels. If he insists he’s happy and in love with her, then leave it alone.
Don’t bring this up to her, or make ANY comments like that ever again, that’s not fair at all.