Post # 1
Let me start by explaining my entire extended family and literally half of my guest list are out of town family that would be asked to attend both weddings And I feel this is really unfair.
My brother alloped three years ago and has recently come out and announced that he and his wife want to have a vow renewal in October 2016 and invite the whole family and have the huge “church wedding” that they never “got.”
I just recently got engaged and while no venue is booked yet my FH and I had agreed on a fall wedding long before a ring ever touched my finger.
I am one of those people who have been dreaming about my wedding day all my life and while many details may have changed over the years the one thing that never has is the idea of it being in october. My entire family has always know that is what I want and my FH and I both said right after the proposal that we are thinking October 2016. because of logistical things it just can’t happen in 2015 and we would literally rather wait a year vs choose a different time of year.
Am I being selfish? Maybe. But I really don’t think it is wrong to want my day to be a few months apart from my brothers when so many people will have to travel for both.
How do I get him to reconsider the timing of his wedding?
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
“How do I get him to reconsider the timing of his wedding?”
You don’t. Clearly, October 2016 is the important time for him – regardless of why he chose it. He picked it, he announced it, he’s starting the process for it. You haven’t even selected a date yet (“Everyone knows I always wanted a fall wedding” notwithstanding.) You could get married in September/October/November of 2015, or September/November of 2016 if it’s that important that you don’t share a month. At the end of the day, you can’t control other peoples’ behavior, you can only control your own reaction. Send him your congratulations, be excited for him, and don’t let it stop you from rowing your own canoe.
Post # 3
Have you tried talking to him about your feelings? Maybe he just didn’t know that you were planning to have your wedding that month.
Post # 4
….it’s not the same month as your wedding, since your wedding isn’t booked yet. He got there first. You snooze, you lose.
Post # 5
Well, if it makes you feel any better- if I received both invitations from you and your brother, I think I would pick your wedding over their vow renewal (after they have been married for 3 years). And I say this as someone who eloped for my first marriage and had a party later.
Post # 6
He hasn’t booked anything yet. The topic came up when I was discussing at a family dinner some dates that my FH and I are looking at all of which were October. He then chimed in and said that’s the dates His wife and him are looking at. When I then asked why he is considering October and not some other time (like maybe march since that’s his original wedding date) he wouldn’t answer. my FH and I went on ahead and booked the venue yesterday and now have the date of Oct 22, 2016. I thought this would maybe show my brother I’m serious about my plans and not changing. side note my FH and I started dating in October, that’s why we picked that day. My brother is still not backing down and doesn’t see anything wrong with asking the whole family to come to both weddings in one month.
Post # 7
Ktbug, there is only one wedding. I don’t look down my nose at people who elope and then do a wedding later, but 3 years? Its a party, that’s all. I don’t know why your brother is doing this, but I suspect most people will think he is nuts. Just make certain to get STDs out early.
Post # 8
Just go ahead with your plans. Your brother eloped for a reason, and probably that reason involves not enjoying planning elaborate celebrations. Both your wedding and his vow renewal are 2 years away. Who knows how his plans will shift in the coming years? Perhaps he actually would prefer that fewer people come to his vow renewal, and scheduling it near your wedding means that he can invite them all, but not have to pay for their food.
Post # 9
Ktbug101487: I agree with previous posters. There is a good chance your brother is setting himself up for failure by doing this. I would think that most of your family members will choose your actual wedding over his vow renewal. This is coming from someone who wants a vow renewal of her own.
Maybe your brother should talk to some of the family in question and see how they feel? Maybe if they tell him straight up that he is forcing them to choose, he’ll reconsider his date. He could wait until 2017 to do this if he is determined to have October. It isn’t like there is a rush, he is already married.
Post # 10
Ktbug101487: You seriously want your brother to not plan or pick a date for his vow renewal because you might get married in the fall of 2016? That’s 2 years away? Listen, I think vow renewals are silly….but that’s beside the point. What makes your event choices more important than your brother? You haven’t picked a date yet. If it’s that big of a deal choose another time.
Post # 11
starfish0116: She did pick a date and booked a venue yesterday 🙂
My DH and I eloped and was planning on doing a vow renewal a year later (next year.) But my brother just proposed to his gf and they said they plan to wed next year. So I’m backing down on my idea and maybe just do a private renewal with my DH and I and maybe a few friends. I agree with pp that in other people’s eyes, a wedding is more important than a vow renewal and most likely going to your ceremony. I wouldn’t dare to still plan my event and see it as equal as my brother’s wedding. It’ll seem as I’m trying to steal his spot light. Go ahead with your plans. I’m sure they wouldn’t compete against an actual wedding.
Post # 12
Ktbug101487: There’s a saying: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” Just let it go. Not your problem, unlikely to become your problem. The reality is most people will choose to go to your actual wedding over his vow renewal if the two are close together, so if he chooses to schedule his event that way, it’s up to him.
Post # 13
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
I would choose a wedding vs. a vow renewal anytime.
Post # 14
you could offer to have a double ceremony and split the cost
Post # 15
yumcheez: yea he’s not likely to agree to that since he is chatholic and says his has to be done in a church and I want mine outside among the beautiful fall trees and colors