Post # 1
So my FH and my big bro have a really great relationship, they’re close friends and FH definitely wants him in the wedding party. He’s even considering asking him to be best man. The problem is that my brother has depression and Aspergers Syndrome, both of which make him anxious walking down the street, never mind standing up in front of a crowd.
I’m worried that his anxiety will get the better of him and he’ll be too shy to make a speech or stand with us at the wedding. Do you think my FH should ask him? I know my brother will worry about it and such, but FH and I really want him there and he will want to be there too. If we don’t ask he might be confused/upset as to why and if we explain he will feel like this is another way his conditions are holding him back.
Should I ask? Has had/having a similar experience?
Post # 3
I think you should ask him. If he knows he will be too uncomfortable he can decline, but at least he knows you thought of him. And if it were me, I’d probably not do the traditional best man speech. He also might be more comfortable being a groomsmen if he feels like there isn’t as much pressure. I’m sure he’ll tell you what he’s comfortable doing if you ask 🙂
Post # 5
I agree you should ask him to be in the wedding party – maybe as just a groomsman, though, if that would be easier for him. If you really want to have him as best man, but are worried, you could have two co-best men. That way if he decides that day of that he’s too nervous, the other best man can handle the speech and rings and such by himself. If your brother is good to go the day of, they can share the duties.
Post # 6
I have a friend with a grown son who has Aspbergers. I think from knowing him I would say talk to your brother and give him the option. Let him know what part you want him playing in your wedding and give him the chance to decide how much of the responsibility he feels he can handle.
Post # 7
My oldest son has aspergers, he is 18. When DH and I got engaged I knew I wanted my son to walk me down the aisle but I wasn’t sure if it was something he’d be able to do. He has severe social anxiety too. I asked my son and he accepted but we did, with my son knowing, have a back up plan just in case. I’d have FI talk to your brother and ask him what he is comfortable with. Just because he stands as best man doesn’t mean he HAS to give a speech, you can ask another groomsman to do the speech.
In the end, my son did walk me down the aisle and it was such a special moment for me. Just talk to your brother, follow his lead and only give him as much or as little responsibilty as he is willing to take on. With my son, giving him lots of time to prepare for the big moment helped tremendously. he knew exactly what to expect, what he had to do, who would be there etc…with aspies, as I’m sure you know alot of times its the fear of the unknown that is the worst part of the social anxiety. Him knowing what to expect and being able to control the situation will be a big help!
Post # 8
Ask him. Maybe he wouldn’t be okay with being the best man and making a speech, but he would be okay being a groomsman and not speaking. That way he’s still a part. And even if he is uncomfortable with anything, he gets to decline but still feel included by being asked.
Post # 9
My brother has aspergers and him and my DH are very close. It was a hard decision to not include him in our bridal party but ultimately I knew it was something he would not be comfortable doing. Aspergers isn’t the same for everyone so I think you just have to ask your brother if he is comfortable with it.
Post # 10
My brother has Asperger’s syndrome and I would never ask him to stand up at the wedding. He is impatient and often bored and speaks at inappropriate times, often mumbling to himself. He is forever a bored 8 year old. But all Aspies function at different levels. If he is normally okay in groups of people then make him a groomsmen, but best man has too many obligations.
Post # 11
Ask him! You didn’t really describe his specific condition or abilities, but I’m sure he could make a good groomsman if he wants. I have Asperger’s myself, and although it comes with challenges, my life is relatively normal. Your brother, however, sounds much more anxious, so although I can’t see him giving a best man speech, he should be given a chance to be involved.
Post # 12
I think he should at least have the chance. Also if he not into public speaking he doesn’t have to make a speech. I think you should allow your Fi to make such a personal choice like this.Just help him understand that your Brother may get anxious. I also am not sure about what kind of help your brother is receiving.
But my friends son also has it, and often when they are going to do something different or a new experiences it something they coordinate and work with his therapist and it seem to work. So perhaps having him talk to his support system or letting him practice.
Post # 13
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice :-). I would definitely ask him, give him as much information as he will need, but have a back up plan ready. That is really sweet of you to be thinking about his best interests!
Post # 14
Your FI should definitely ask him! We had my husband’s 16 year old nephew/Godson with Aspergers in our wedding party, and he had a blast. Actually, he was the most responsible/on top of it groomsman we had! He knew his role, walked all the ladies down the aisle, and did a cute little dance with his bridesmaid partner when they were introduced.
You should ask him what he is comfortable doing, and let him do just that. Also, there is no rule that the Best Man has to be the one to give a speech. Maybe have another groomsman do it instead.
And if on the day, he is too anxious to walk down the aisle…don’t push him. Let him do what he is comfortable with. But I think it’s wrong to completely exclude him this far out just because he has aspergers.
Post # 15
@BrooklynWife: Yeah, I agree about excluding him. I’m just concerned that he’ll feel like he has to say yes and go along with it even if he’s not up to it.