(Closed) Brother’s hissy fit at shower(long vent)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow! Sticky situation. I guess since you chose not to have them in the wedding he does have a reason to feel slighted. I agree you need to talk to him. Just tell him you didn’t realize it would affect him so much and that you assumed you were on the same page with the DJ stuff. I would tell him that he doesn’t have to DJ if he doesn’t want to. He probably wants to enjoy your wedding as a guest too. I was in the same situation with my brothers. Honestly though; they are family. I wanted them there. We decided that FI would have the same number of Bridesmaids as me and then we would have my brothers seat people (like ushers) then we would have them walk my mom in during the processional and stand up front with the rest of the groomsmen. It was important to me that they be included.

Post # 4
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You definitely need to talk to your brother.  Sounds like a lot of this could have been avoided in the first place if everyone would have been communicating with each other.  It won’t be a fun conversation, but you need to have it!

Post # 5
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Are you totally opposed to having your brother in your bridal party?  While I agree with your reasoning about ‘making’ your FI include him as a groomsmen it sounds like he is incredibly close to you and a big part of your life and so would be an appropriate person to stand up there with you.  If that is an option I would ask him to be a brideman, explain that you were thinking along traditional gender lines but now that you think about it of course you want him up there by your side.  It seems like a fairly small thing that might mean a lot to him.

Also, I’d tell him, I’m sorry about the miscommunication about the DJ!  Of course, we really appreciate the help with the ceremony and we’ll find a DJ.  To be fair DJing is a pretty big job.

Post # 6
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

It is not an automatic that your brother’s would be your fiance’s groomsman. He doesn’t know them like you do, and doens’t have the history he does with his friends and family. Why your brother assumed he would be a groomsman is beyond me. You pick your BM, your fiance picks his GM. My brother’s are not GM in my wedding, but my sisters are my BMs.

You probably should have addressed this earlier, since you knew it would be a touchy subject. Now it’s adding stress right before your wedding, which is never good. I’d try to talk to him and clear the air. Explain yourself, what you thought was happening, and apologize for not talking to him sooner. Maybe you can have his wife help calm him down, since you two are close.

Post # 7
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Seeing as you’re getting married in 6 weeks, it’s a little late to add him to the BP.  I would talk to him and LET him play the guilt trip. 

“Sure, I feel bad for you.  Pity pity pity.  Yes Brother, you’re right I should have told you.  Oh I am so sorry.  Oh you are TOTALLY the victim here.  Now that that’s over…you still can’t be a groomsman.  It’s too late to add you.  It’s pretty much too late to change anything.  So I need to know if you’re going to help us out (like you said you would) or if I need to hire a dj and find musicians and do everything that you said was already done because it’s going to be VERY difficult to do it all with only 6 weeks to the wedding.  I wish you would have brought up how you felt earlier so that we would have more time to plan for it.”

I have a brother who can be moody and selfish, and I try to just push past the BS with him and get straight to the point.  My brother doesn’t just “get over it” so I’ve learned to ignore his anger and talk about it like he is being the most pleasant person on earth.  But that’s my brother, only you can know how to talk to yours.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I honestly would just add him as a groomsman or at very least find a way to feature him in a special way with your other brother.  I think if his wife wasn’t your MOH I might come out differently but under the circumstances, it sounds like he should be standing up for you or featured in some way. What’s going on with the other brother? Is he involved in the ceremony? Maybe you could make them both ushers or readers? Or have them both say a special blessing?

In case you do add one or both brothers, it’s ok to have an uneven party!  . . . We have an uneven bridal party (1 more groomsman) because my brother is standing with my FI.  They like each other well enough but are not close.  Logistically, the groomsmen are just walking in separately at the front and then one of FI’s brothers will escort the flowergirl (sister) in the recessional.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Just like MightySapphire said-  pet him and then forget him.  Get someone else on the jobs that need to be covered and put his emotional issues on hold until after the wedding.  I find that kind of behavior inexcusable in anyone involved in the wedding- family or not.  Think about it- this is his way of getting the atttention shifted towards him when it should be directed this day towards you guys as a couple.  I don’t care who it is- bridesmaidzilla… sister… the mom who wears white… the brother who throws a fit- it’s wrong.  I know you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your brother after the wedding- just let your skin get a little thicker now.  That will come in handy later when you have teenagers:-)

Post # 12
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

BTW- I wouldn’t reward his passive aggresive behavior by making him a groomsman. 

Post # 14
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

@breezer: Glad I could make you laugh!  Smile

Maybe while you’re waiting for the dust to settle you can do some preliminary investigation into local DJs and musicians so that if your talk with your brother goes bad, you still have a plan for the wedding.  (I like that you’re giving him a few days to cool off…maybe it’ll help?)

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