Post # 1
So the boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years now and we’ve had all the discussions about getting married. He knows that it is now really starting to get to me and says that it will be “Soon.” I guess you can just chalk this up to another “bad day” post. We were in bed last night and after several days of feeling somewhat hopeful I asked him if he had gone shopping for it yet and he said “No.” Not the kind of “no” that leaves me thinking he’s just being sly and already has it…The kind of “no” where your heart sinks into your stomach a little because he’s not trying to fool you. I was good and made no deal of it and eventually just fell asleep but now today I’m kinda “blah.” He is aware that I want to be engaged by no later than our 3rd year anniversary in June. I had really been expecting it in the fall/winter of this past year and when it ended up never happening, I fell into a depressed streak for most of the new year. Only recently had I finally started feeling that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and now today I feel like I’m slipping back into the “why am I not good enough?” feelings. Thanks for reading my rant!
Post # 3
Hated those “I guess I’m just not good enough” thoughts.
But at least you gave him a timeline that’s relatively close, so you won’t have to wait much longer.
Post # 4
I understand completely! I’m less than a week away from a three year anniversary. A couple months ago when the topic came up I received a similar response. I know he wasn’t trying to throw me off, he genuinely was not ready to go there yet.
I get it about timeliness too. In my mind, I wanted to be married between years 4 and 5. And I wanted a long engagement. Not to mention a year ago SO had been dropping hints and bringing it up a lot. So I thought for sure that everything would line up. I would become engaged spring-fall of 2013, get a nice 2-2 1/2 years engagement I wanted and we’d have plenty of time to plan, save and get settled before I changed jobs. Obviously that didn’t happen.
Engagement season was HARD, needless to say. Especially since in the time I thought I’d be engaged, four people close to us in our circle became engaged. I have thus far spent a lot of winter very moody, feeling like something was wrong with me/us and so on. It was really inflamed by the fact you see old friends and family and everyone always asks why you’re not engaged/married yet.
It does get better though! I thought I would never stop feeling depressed (sometimes even bitter) over it. Eventually though, the things I love and adore about my SO, the foundational strengths of his character and our relationship are little lights for me, where I forget about where we are, just enjoy us a little while. I’m sure there might be a few more down swings for me before we get engaged, it’s a part of the process. However I am happy to have found such a wonderful partner in my life and look forward to better days.
Post # 5
@Ninebones: but you ARE good enough, are you not? He’s staying with you, isn’t he? He’s not chasing after anyone, right? Not to be insensitive, but I never understood why most girls pressure their men in to marriage or think they need to be married to be happy in general. I don’t know you, but you sound unsure of yourself and your relationship with your boyfriend. Granted, I am engaged now, but I was totally fine with staying just boyfriend and girlfriend with my FI for the next 20 years or longer, as long as I was with him. We’re in love, we’re best friends, we get along, we’re attracted to each other, and we have tons of fun just being with each other. That was more than good enough for me and all I could have asked for.
HOWEVER, I guess I kind of do understand if you’re getting older and you know you want kids. It would be pretty awful (especially if you’re waiting for marriage to have children) if you went several more years not engaged/married and child less, and then for whatever reason he breaks up with you. I can see your fear in that, definitely.
Post # 6
@Ninebones: Also, I forgot to mention that he may actually have a ring or may actually be planning to look for one soon. If you keep bugging him about it, it’s going to ruin your surprise. Trust me, guys do NOT like being bugged about getting engaged. I have two guys in my group at work that are going through that right now and they complain about it and sometimes even laugh about it. Pestering him about it is probably THE worst thing you can do. Let it be a surprise!
Post # 7
@mdcmod – I think by him not proposing yet just gives me the idea I’m not good enough but he never actually treats me as such. I think for me, like many women; engagement – (even if it’s in the back of their mind) is him saying “I am so positive this is what I want for the rest of my life!” And when engagements drag on, I think we internalize that and translate it into feeling as if something is wrong with us that would make him not want to take the next step. I know this is generally me being selfish because he really does tell me how he feels.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
@Ninebones: Stop comparing yourself to other women. Deactivate Facebook; etc etc.
Work on yourself and work on the relationship together. I can relate as I waited 5 to 6 years before getting engaged.
The moment I stopped obsessing about future wedding planning and focused on the moments, was when I finally got surprised by a proposal. (I called it PGE: Project Getting Engaged) Timelines can be unrealistic, actually. Give yourself a timeline to do something positive to work towards. For example, DIY projects that aren’t necessarily wedding-related.
Post # 9
My boyfriend dropped a bomb on me just days before Valentine’s Day. I wasn’t expecting a Valentine’s proposal, nor was I expecting a proprosal anytime soon, but we were talking about our friends going ring shopping and he decided to throw in there that I shouldn’t be expecting an engagement anytime soon. I was crushed for some reason.. I guess because I am pretty good at never mentioning marriage, and just letting him bring it up when he feels like it, so I just felt like WHY??? Why would he even bother telling me that when I’m not expecting it anyway? I haven’t been pushing him, I haven’t been stressing him out with wedding talk, so why was it so necessary to put me in my place when I didn’t deserve to be? I never questioned why he hadn’t proprosed yet until he said that. Then I started thinking that these friends are our last friends to get engaged and they swore they would never get married. It felt like everyone was good enough to for their partners to proprose but me, even our friends who swore off marriage!!! It really put me in a bad place for a few days. Emotionally I just felt worn out.. All from that one simple coversation.
I feel better now, but I certainly threw myself a huge pity party for about 5 days. I guess he realized the toll it took on me and has been incredibly sweet lately.
You know that you have a time frame to look forward to! Just hold in there! These days happen. We know how much we love our men and we know they love us too, or we wouldn’t want to marry them! So it is very exciting for us to think about starting our lives with them and sometimes the overwhelming excitement can lead to these disappointing days. We just have to trust that it is coming and try our hardest to just be patient.
Post # 10
Honestly if you guys have talked about it, I encourge you as hard as it is to not talk about it.
FI and I contantly talked about the prorosal before he actually proposed. He told me around Christmas it would happen before my birthday in July, then we are visiting my family in May so I figured it would happen before then and the more and more we talked about it the less surprised I was and the night he actually proposed I knew it was happening. Talking about it didn’t ruin the prorposal but did take out a lot of the surprise element which I wanted.
Post # 11
Aw I totally understand ((Hugs)). You really need to get it out of your mind…
It might still happen by June though. My SO told me he’s proposing by March but he doesn’t have a ring. I’m pretty sure he thinks that we can just go ring shopping on March 31 and have it that evening, LOL. But I don’t mind the delay.
However don’t get your hopes up to much. It’s hard, since there’s a kinda-plan. But no expectations = no disappointment! I’ve been getting involved with a bunch of activities to keep me sane. Do stuff you love! Kick that “blah” feeling in the butt.
And if nothing happens by the summer, have a discussion to make sure you’re on the same page.
Post # 12
Yeah, I definitely have to shut it up more. I’m positive he’s tired of hearing it but I’m even getting tired of talking about it! Man, women get driven crazy by the strangest things lol! Here’s to holding my breath! /raise glass!
Post # 13
I completely understand what you’re feeling right now. *hugs*!
It helps to know that a proposal is on the horizon – I can’t even describe the relief I feel since myself and my future FI set a proposal timeline!
You’re expecting it before your three-year, maybe he is even planning to do to on your anniversary to make it extra special. It is coming! He could even be saving up to buy you a nicer ring. Hang in there!