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Well, when we first got engaged I flat out asked my family how much they were thinking of contributing. My mother said not much, so I was fully prepared to make it work with what we had. Well, so far my mother has not let me pay for anything. Everything I pay for she finds out how much it cost and transfers money into my bank account. It's great that she's being so generous but at the same time I feel really bad and almost incompetent. Like, I'm in high school again and kids are teasing me because my mommy and daddy helped buy me a car. This is my wedding, but the more they contribute, the more I feel like crap about it.
I totally know how you feel. My guy and I weren't even planning on doing anything major because we just couldn't afford it. But then my parents stepped up and offered to pay for the entire thing. I am still trying to keep costs down as much as possible, but I still feel guilty. I've always been like that though. I even have a hard time with my guy buying me groceries. LOL. My best advice to you is to just focus on being grateful. I am continually singing my parents praises. They are amazing people. As to people who say things behind your back, honestly, they are just jealous because they probably didn't have as nice of a wedding or had to pay for it themselves. There is really nothing you can do about it, but ignore it. Which I totally understand is easier said than done. I am the same way.
Remember though, LOTS of people have their parents help contribute to their wedding. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and others need to get over their insecurities and just be happy for you. Maybe try explaining this to people if you ever catch them saying something about you. Best of luck, girlie! I hope things get better soon!
My parents are paying for my wedding, and I have the same kind of guilt - but more because i have a job and I feel like i could have somehow saved money for it myself. Granted, nothing like what they are spending, most likely something very small. But my family is the same as yours and family and a big wedding is very important to them. My dad even says the wedding isnt about me and my fiance - its about family! haha.
Luckily, I havent heard about anyone talking behind our backs, but I do feel bad because most of my friends who have gotten married recently, have paid for it on their own. But I never had a 1st car, or a sweet sixteen or a $20,000 college - so, my parents wanted to give this gift to me. I sleep at night knowing that it makes them happy to do it, and that they wouldnt have it any other way.
I think your parents sound the same as mine - they love you, and this is their gift to you! Dont let other people make you feel bad. They are most likely talking because they are jealous. I know its not easy to ignore, but if you know whos talking about you specifically, maybe you should casually confront them, and remind them that your parents love you and this is their gift to you for your wedding and its none of their goddamn business! :D
yeah. . no guilt! i am a doctor and so is my FI and we are not paying for anything ourselves besides me paying for half my dress, and us paying for our rings and bridal party gifts. I think at our age (29 and 33 when we get married) we've realized there is no shame about accepting a gift. . it's just that, a gift. it gives my parents joy to be able to give. . .it's just like your engagement ring. it is a sign of love.
@KaitlinHudson: @leighannd: @SamanthaSadlier:
Thank you all for being supportive! I was a little worried to post and have people tell me I'm spoiled and shouldn't be whining about my parents paying for my wedding! Honestly, I am completely thrilled that they are willing to do this for me, and I know how lucky I am!
I think what I struggle with more is some of the naysayers see this as a reflection of my parents' priorities. They are willing to help me pay for a wedding, but when rent gets difficult to pay, they suggest I get a waitressing job. So that is even hard for ME to figure out, never mind people who don't know or understand my family, the way they think about things, and what is important to them.
And it's true - this is something my parents most definitely wanted to do for me. If they couldn't - they wouldn't. They are not the type to throw money in my lap for nothing. They helped me get a car in high school, but then I had to get a job to pay for it and extracurriculors. They helped me through college, but I was on my own for law school. I know not everyone has this, and I know how lucky I am. I also understand that not everyone spend their money this way - but isn't it your choice? Who are you to judge me or my family for our choices??
My parents paid for most of our wedding, and we contributed about $10,000. We are 33 and 35 and both work full time. My parents offered my three siblings and I the same amount for our weddings, it's been something they saved for an planned, and they were excited to do it. Zero guilt. I was happy to accept the generous gift from my parents. I get that some people roll their eyes at "daddy paying" but that's their opinion. They are happy not accepting money from family members, and you are happy to accept from family members, then it sounds to me like everyone is happy and it shoudln't be an issue.
If that is not the case and they are talking shit about your wedding just because they are jealous or have no life, then don't invite them. ifyou weren't planning on inviting them anyway, I wouldn't worry about what they say.
i know how you feel! remind yourself that they're doing this for you because they want to, and be very appreciative! who cares what anyone else says!
Bees! You are all so wonderful and supportive! Thank you, seriously, for making me feel a little bit better. No, I probably can't change the way people think about things. But they also just don't understand. Unless they grew up in my home, they really don't know the first thing about my family!
our wedding is not a "budget" wedding by any definition, and sometimes i see posts/blogs here and on other sites that passive-aggressively (or directly) put down large budget weddings, especially when the parents paid for a good chunk of it. sometimes i think 'ouch...'
but you know what? i don't care. we are having an expensive wedding. our parents are paying for 75% of it because they WANTED to and have the ability to do so. it was "use it or lose it"--it wasn't like we had the option of taking the money and saving it for a house. so you know what? we are going to spend every damn penny, not feel guilty, and enjoy our expensive wedding that our parents mostly paid for. this wedding is for them too!
@blondeeebuckeye: My parents remind me of that too sometimes, that it's about them as well. I've looked into different things to cut some costs, and they have refused, because as the hosts, they said it will reflect on them as well. So it IS important to them as well to have things at a certain caliber.
I think there is a sentiment (not just here but everywhere) that women who have expensive weddings do not care about their husbands or the actual marriage. Like if you have a traditional ballroom wedding with all of the bells and whistles or spend $10,000 on flowers that means you are an ugly bitch with no ability to love. lol. That's what makes people feel guilty I think.
Don't feel guilty! They are paying for it because they love you and want to. Accept it with love and disregard what others are saying. They got the chance or will get the chance to do things the way they want to. This is your chance. Do what you want.
My dad is contributing about 1/2 the cost of our wedding, and we were planning on paying for the other 1/2. However, other family members have really surprised us with contributions. I picked out a dress and my aunts came together to pay for it as a surprise! My FI's parents said they wanted to pay for the photographer, my grandparents for the wedding cake, and another set of grandparents just told us last night they're writing us a check for $4000 to use however we want in the wedding. Instead of feeling guilty I'm appreciating that I have family members who want to celebrate with us and are generous with us. It is really touching.
Do not feel guilty! They love you and want you to have the day you want. Enjoy it!!
@flamingred: Hahaha - trust me, my fairy tale wedding does NOT mean I can't love. It just means I grew up dreaming of fairy tales, and my parents lovingly want me to have that. :)
My wedding is being paid for by my parents, my mother always said they would and when we got engaged my father set a budget. FI father is paying for the rehearsal. I don't feel guilty, my parents have always wanted to do it and I'm doing my best to stay within my father's budget (it's actually my mother who is blowing it, but that's between my parents).
My parents are also paying for the majority of my rather expensive wedding. They set a certain amount and we are paying the rest ourselves. This is something that they have planned for and saved for, and as previous posters have said, it is also a reflection of them and important to them to have it be a certain caliber wedding. my parents would be embarassed to invite their friends to a wedding that was not up to the standards of the weddings that their friends threw for their children for example. It is common in their social circle to pay for their daughters weddings.
Also, my mom's parents paid for their very nice wedding back when they got married so it is what is typical in my family and in a way its like paying it forward. I plan to budget and save for my children's weddings one day just like my parents did, and their parents before them.
I'm so glad to hear other bees are in the same situation financially! It doesn't mean we are inept, inadequate, or spoiled! We are lucky!
Has anyone else had deal with baloney from outside parties, though?
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I know there have been plenty of posts around the Hive about how much we spend, where it comes from, and how we feel about it, but I need some advice to try and deal with my own guilt!
My parents have amazingly gifted me with a significant sum for our wedding. They are contributing about 75% of the budget, FI and I will be contributing about 15% and his parents about 10%. However, I was shocked from the beginning how quickly things added up and how much they cost, but my parents were dead set on things like our venue, and kept reassuring me that we would make it worth because it was worth the cost. They did not have a wedding, and this is something I know they do want to do for me, as a gift. Although not everyone has or understands these big weddings, its something important for my family.
However, I'm having some guilt now that I've heard some people have been saying things behind our back, shocked at how much things cost (people can generally get an idea about the price of our venue from its website) and where we are getting the money. I even have my own guilt, currently unemployed, engaged to a student, but then having my mother send a check for thousands of dollars.
Does anyone else have something similiar going on? How do you deal with the naysayers? I wish just ignoring them was something I could easily do, but because I'm the type of person I am...that's really never going to happen.