Post # 1
My Fiance and I are just starting out and do not have a ton of money saved up for our wedding next year. My dad and I do not have the greatest relationship and to date has not offered to help out financially in any way. My FMIL has made comments that she is glad that she had boys so she is not obligated to pay for their weddings! This comment bothered me.. what is this 1940??? It also slightly bothers me that his family could be capable of helping out, but continue to make comments such as "you know you don’t have to have a big fancy wedding" and "You know it is possible to have a wedding on a shoestring budget". I would really like to know what that "budget" is, according to her.
I am trying to keep the guest list around 80, but I was sent a list by my FMIL of 30 people that "should" be invited, but most likely might not attend (and most of whom I do not know and my FI has not seen since he was very young). Am I wrong in thinking that I shouldn’t invite people with the hopes of them not showing up?
I am by no means trying to have a lavish, over the top affair, but I want a nice wedding. It might come down to us just eloping!! Am I being overly sensitive about the "budget" comments? Or how do I get them to stop?
Have any other bees out there had to deal with a similar situation?
Post # 3
I think that your future in-laws are definitely trying to hint (not so subtlely) that they don’t want to spend much, if anything, on the wedding. I think you’ll be better off funding the wedding on your own. If you start paying for things a little each month, you can probably do it yourselves, just don’t let your expectations get too high (no watching Platinum Weddings!)
I have been very blessed to have financial help from my parents in planning our wedding, but I do think it is possible to have a nice wedding for a reasonable amount of money. I don’t know how much you can afford to pay, but here are some useful tips:
1- Before you buy a bridal gown, think about what kind of style you want. There are loads of bridesmaid’s dresses and evening wear available in white for a fraction of the cost- and many of them look a lot like $1500 wedding gowns.
2- You can rent almost anything for very little money.
3- Dollar Tree and Ikea are good sources for things like vases, glasses, fabric, etc for next to nothing.
4- 300 muslin bags from papermart (about $70), 5 spools of $0.50 ribbon from Michaels, and $15 in rubber stamping supplies made the cutest personalized favor bags ever for our wedding. Adding in the cost of candy to fill them means we only spent $200 on favors.
Post # 4
Oops I meant to add– paying for the wedding yourself does give you a lot of advantages- like having EVERY right to say no to those 30 people your FMIL wants to invite. I’d pay a lot of money for that privilege, since our guest list is 50% people I’ve never met!
Post # 5
No kidding! Since they know you are on a tight budget and getting no help, you have the right to say No, they don’t need to be invited.
Post # 6
Yup, if they are not helping you with the wedding cost. They have no say so
Post # 7
I agree with the others that have posted- you are not obiligated to invite people she wants there.
Some ideas for how to keep things friendly:
Your FI should be the one to communicate with his mom and he MUST make sure that when he tells her of your decision that he make it clear that you and he are on the same page. You do not want to come off as the b*tchy bride, so he should make it clear to his mom that it’s a mutual decision.
Also- perhaps offer your FMIL that you will invite the 30 ‘should be invited’ guests AFTER you get guests that RSVP no. That way if some of the wind up coming you are not over budget. Basically- tell her that those 30 people are on the B list.
Post # 8
Thank you all!
Her original list that she sent me was 50.. but 20 of those people i already had on our list.
I agree.. I would much rather my FI and I fund the wedding ourselves and not feel guilty about how much is spent on photography etc..
Post # 9
I understand your frustrations, and like many of the other posters agree that you do not have to invite the whole list. I woud take a few days and consider what sort of a relationship you would like to have with your FIL/MIL in the future. If you still feel the same- have your fiance tell them that you two have made the guest list and while their help was appreciated it is taken care of. Good luck
Post # 10
I’m a firm believer that if the bride and groom are paying without support of their parents they have final say of the guest count. If your FMIL wants 50 guests, then she should pay for them. If not, then they’re not invited. Her ideas are pretty anitquated. If you or FI make it clear to her that you and FI are paying for it with no help from your side, hopefully she’ll either pony up the dough or back off.