Post # 1
Sorry for any typos on this, on my phone
Long time reader here but only recently more involved in posting. The community here is always so supportive hand helpful so hoping for some advice.
Bf and I have been together for years lived together for about 2. Been through moves, job loses, long distance, family death all of lifes little hiccups and we always made it through. I was always so confident this was it he was the one until recently things have changed.
Lately he feels more like a roommate and less like a partner. Work has been busy lately so I havnt been too into going out during the week but about every weekend for the last few months hes been out and away from the house. Sometimes for the whole weekend! I dont expect that we’d spend every spare moment together but its getting a bit ridiculous.
I tried to suggest going on a date, maybe live music or we can head out of the city to one of our favorite restaurants. But nothing. When we are home together it seems were never in the same room. I suggest watching a show and he never wants to watch anything. Or maybe listen to some music and open a bottle of wine and its always “in a miminute” and then hes tired and just wants to lie down. Its made me resentful where I dont even want to try any more.
There’s very little intimacy. We still say I love you and a peck in passing each other in the house but sex is just not happening. He initiates but I just cant get as into it anymore.
So is this a rut or is this the rest of my life? Ive brought up that I’m unhappy with how things are and its better for maybe a day (or he tells me im just stressed at work and ignores me and thats a whooole other irritation haha) and then right back to how they were. He’s a wonderful man kind and funny and smart. I used to see my whole life with him but right now if he proposed (we talked about it for 2015) I honestly dont know what id say.
Thanks for listening (reading) everyone 🙂
Post # 2
When did things start to change? Have you been able to sit him down & have a serious heart to heart or does he just blow you off? Would he be open to counseling?
Honestly, being gone for an entire weekend doesn’t sound good. Where does he go?
Post # 3
If you’re voicing your needs amd he’s still not spending time with you amd investing into the relationship then yeah, I’d say it’s done and I would talk to him about how you thinks it’s done and you should talk about a fair way to seperate, he’ll either snap out of it, be so scared and it’ll be okay or he’ll say yeah I agree. Sorry bee.
Post # 4
goose1707: I would not be down with spending weekends apart on a regular basis. No, this is not something I would consider a rut or a bump in the road on the way to a happy, healthy marriage. It sounds like you two have grown apart.
However, I’m basing that on what you’ve written, and I know that may not be the total picture of what’s going on.
Based on what you’ve written, though, my advice would be to start making plans to get out of the relationship.
Just because you’ve been together for a long time does not mean that it was meant to be. I know several (former) couples who lived together for years and ended up splitting before they ever made it to the altar.
Another thought: It would be easier and less stressful to end it now than to end up divorcing — possibly with kids in the picture — later on.
Best of luck to you with whatever you decide to do, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Post # 5
sassy411: +1, I also would be wondering where he is going. Is it possible he’s with another woman?
Even if he isn’t, I would be curious to know what he’s doing all weekend. Maybe it would give clues as to where things went wrong in your relationship.
Post # 6
Thanks for the responses ladies
I think its the companionship thats lacking. I dont expect that excited newness to last forever. It feels as though there is little we share as a couple lately.
To clarify when he is away its usually with his brothers who each live about an hour away so theyre usually out late and he’ll stay over. A few times hes gone to see family where I was unable to join due to work or having something to do in the city then he will end up staying there Sunday too. Cant really fault the man for spending time with his family and I am of course welcome but again every weekend is a bit much
I really dont think theres someone else. I feel like you usually get a gut feeling on those things..
Agree that we really need to talk. I wouldn’t just leave without at least giving it the opportunity to improve. However I will say ive taken mental inventory of the apartment and plan to hold off on any large purchases just incase this talk doesn’t lead to anything.
Post # 7
If you’re suggesting going out and he’s always not wanting to, then I’d be worried.
My FI set up a computer in our living room, so I can sit and watch the shows I like while he can sit and do whatever on his computer. It feels like we’re spending more time together even though we’re technically doing separate activities.
We also have date nights, meaning we get dressed up and go out to a nice dinner and maybe catch a movie or something. More effort gets put into date nights than the usual to go boxes and dvds from the red box lol.
You don’t have to spend every waking minute together, but definitely have a conversation about little things you can do to make you feel like a couple again and not just roommates.
Post # 8
You have to talk to him. Is there stress at work? Has he been sick? Family trouble? dont’ throw it away without talking to him.
Post # 9
Tried talking to him last night. I feel like he is putting my unhappiness in the relationship onto me rather than see it as something we both contribute to. When I try to talk about how I dont feel as close anymore he suggested that it was just because I have been so busy at work. That was a bulls#it excuse in my opinion because my job has always been a bit demanding (so is his) and this hasn’t been an issue until a few months ago. This morning we went for breakfast and he suggested is should ‘try be happier’ so simple right?
He is fine health wise. Business has been very successful no family concerns. Things should be smooth sailing except for me.
I will keep trying to bring this up to get him to understand that the relationship will suffer if nothing changes
Thank you for all your feedback ladies its been really helpful to get some outside prospective 🙂