Post # 1
Help Bees! I was driven to tears tonight by my DH who is well meaning but definitely not as granola as me. I showed him the movie produced by Ricki Lake, The Business of Birth, as it discusses the use of midwives/homebirths versus the hospital route. He was grossed out and adamant that there would only be the doctor, me and him in the room. I’m so saddened by this. I know its a shock of information to give him but feel abandoned. My first child was born in the hospital delivered by a midwife that was very doctorly. I had an epidural I didn’t want and spent most of labor alone and scared while the midwife went elsewhere and my daughter’s father slept. I really want this birth to be different. We haven’t told anyone yet so I can’t call my sisters for help. I just need some support Bees. Thanks in advance.
Post # 3
You are the one having the baby, you have the right to determine what your birth plan is like.
Post # 4
The correct title, I believe, is The Business of Being Born. I’m not sure why that one would freak him out in that direction… it pushed me the other way. I want to have home-births and my husband agrees with my decision.
Show your hubby another one called Orgasmic Birth. I believe you can get it from netflix.
Post # 5
@rosworms: + 1
I loved that film. It actually convinced me NOT to have a hospital birth. All that business about inducing and needless epidural and the positioning during birth. I’m surprised by his reaction. But you have some time. And while I believe as a father he should have some input, unless he is willing to push a watermelon out of his pee hole, ultimately it’s not really up to him. /-:
Post # 6
Awww sweetie I’m sorry you’re feeling alone. Maybe give it a break for a day or two and then approach it a little differently. Explain to him like you just explained it to us: Your first birth wasn’t what you expected and for the second you’d like to experience it differently. I think a lot of men are scared of the “What if” factor: What if something happens and there’s not a doctor to intervene? What if you change your mind and you want drugs? What if what if what if.
Maybe see if he’d at least be open to meeting with a local midwife with you to talk about it. At the end of the day you want your birth to be as pleasant an experience as you can manage for all of you. It’s your body and your birth plan, but if he’s unhappy about it and you can tell, it’s not going to make anything easier for you on the day.
Maybe a birthing centre would be a good compromise if there’s one near you? The one my best friend is going to is attached to a hospital.
ETA – I’d just like to agree with the PPs that The Business of Being Born really opened my eyes too. We’re planning a home birth (but I reserve the right to change my mind should I want/need to) with our midwives.
Post # 7
Also, my best friend had the option of a doula-embracing hospital and she said it was the best of both worlds. Maybe do some research in your area about alternative birthing units and go check them out together.
Post # 8
Pregnant in America is another good documentary. Maybe it could help get him on board? I’m sorry you are feeling alone in this. Just know that we’re always here for you!
Post # 9
@baletrina: Tell him when he gives birth he can have whoever he wants in the room. He should be trying to make you as comfortable as possible.
Post # 10
My SO and I watched this and while he was thoroughtly grossed out he found it very interesting. I’m sorry your DH is not being very opened about but maybe it’s just the shock of it all. Let it all simmer for a few days. But like PP suggested show him the other documentaries and see how he feels about them.
Also I believe both of you should have a say on how your child comes into this world but ultimately this is your body. You know what’s best for your body and your baby.
Post # 11
I think it’s completely unfair to say that since the husband isn’t pushing the child out himself, that he doesn’t have much of a say in regards to the birth plan. How ridiculous! So he doesn’t get a say in what goes on during the birth but I’m sure he is expected to participate in stinky diapers and midnight feedings all the same right?
OP I would not mention or bring up that since he isn’t “birthing the child” himself, that he has no say in what you decide. That in my opinion is extremely childish and will only make things even worse. Instead perhaps come to a compromise on what would make you BOTH feel more comfortable. Unless you are having the child as a single mother, the father should and would best be included in EVERYTHING from birth to regular doctor visits.
Post # 12
@PinkMermaid: Honestly, in most areas I agree that compromises are a mandatory part of parenting, but giving birth is something so hugely personal/potentially painful/ scary, that unless it is a decision that is not safe for the mother or the baby, the mother should be given leeway to make the decision for herself as to how she wants to go about it.
I would never presume to try to mandate a surgical choice that my FI would want/need to make- it his body and he has the ultimate control over it. While I would voice my opinion if I was concerned, I would respect his ability to govern himself and would hope that he would do the same for me.
Post # 16
@rosworms: I always get the title wrong. I will look up the other film. More information is always better! Thanks!
@babybuzz: Thank you for the kind words. There is a midwife center near us that I made a consultation appointment with that uses a birthing center. I also made an appointment with a ob/gyn that has midwives in their practice. We will meet with both and discuss our options. The midwife center is out-of-network but actually may end up being more affordable for us. Money talks pretty loudly to him! I’m happy that you get to experience a home birth. Maybe by baby #5 he’ll be ready for that! lol
@SecretBee23: Thank you. Its funny that I run and tell all you even before my family knows about the baby! I’ll add the movie to my list. 🙂
@PinkMermaid: @TeamAwesome: I did make the mistake of saying “Its my body…” That did not end well and I will not say that again. I think this issue is what saddens me the most because I DO want him involved and want him to help with the choices. That he didn’t see my way right away hurt but I am not giving up! We have 7 months to make a choice!