Post # 1
Ok, sorry in advance for the long post!
Here’s my sitch…
My FI proposed last year, but no ring. My FI was going to ask my parents permission to marry me when I came home to visit in April. Then he was going to pop the question officially with the ring. All was going according to plan, I made plans to travel home, he has made plans to travel to Colorado.
Then my mother discovered Google.
You know what’s on Google?
My wedding webpage. With my FI’s name and mine in big bold letters.
So today I’m talking to my mom on the phone and she starts asking me about my visit in July. (My coverstory: I would do my annual visit in July so my whole family better leave the weekend open!!) She was being pretty obvious, so I just asked her what she knew, and she revealed that she found the website.
I’m totally bummed! It was supposed to be a big happy surprise, but now my mom and dad are suspicious of the wedding! They actually figured they weren’t even invited!! And she didn’t seem all that happy about it either…she said “Well this isn’t the choice I would have made for you, but it’s your life.” WTF? I would have preferred congratulations!!
Anyway, I guess I’m looking for advice on whether or not to tell my FI that they know. AND whether or not to tell my brothers, since my parents already know.
I’m just totally deflated right now…I wanted them to find out and be all happy for me, but they’re not at all. How do I salvage the experience??
Post # 3
Hmm, you should definitely tell your fiance that she knows. I think you need to announce the engagement to your family and plan your wedding however you want. They are going to act how they want to act and you need to do what you can do to make yourself happy. If getting engaged in April still works for you, do it!
Were you planning to surprise them with the wedding?
Post # 4
Try not to let the comments ruin your experience. The fact is that their feelings are hurt because the found out through the internet and not from you. My guy hasn’t "officially" prososed and we are getting married in eight weeks. We told my parents as soon as we set a date because I didn’t want them to find out any other way.
I suggest you be as honest with them as possible and explain you wanted to wait until you had the ring to show and that you are sorry you had not included them before.
I’m sure they will come around and this will be one of those things you laugh about.
Post # 5
I wasn’t planning to surprise them with the wedding, I wanted to surprise them with the engagement. I was trying to go the traditional route where my FI asks my dad’s permission. As soon as I had the ring I was going to tell them all about the wedding we had planned (and all the hard work I have put in to make it fun!)
Post # 6
Yikes – sounds like you jumped the gun with that wedding website. Well, maybe your mom didn’t mean anything by her comment – more of just offended you didn’t tell her before telling the web.
Try talking to her about the original plan – asking permission, telling her in person, having her by your side for support, wanting to share the news with everyone, that it’s not "official" yet since there was no ring… etc etc etc..
Maybe she’ll be kinder with her words. It sounds to me she was just hurt.. and would have preferred he asked permission first? Maybe a "proper" proposal would have included asking permission first? (I know that was a BIG one for me!)
And I’d say, yes, tell your FI that your parents know, and let him call him and ask permission… fix it. And after your FI gets permission, tell your siblings, too. They will want to know.. and heck, maybe you can just have an engagement party for your visit instead!
On a side note, my FBIL got married last year and no one in my FI’s family was happy about it.. and his mom said the same thing, "you’re a grown up, it’s your life".. but you know what happened? We all (myself included!) booked a trip out to China, to celebrate and witness his marriage with him.. actions speaks louder, and in the end, as long as you are happy, they will be, too!
Post # 7
That stinks! For sure tell your FI and see if he has any bright ideas for how you can salvage this situation. Don’t you just hate when our parents get all smart and internet savy?!?
Post # 8
I agree with Ms Tofu.
I think your mom is just thinking that you didn’t want them included and were trying to plan in secret- when that’s not what you were doing. If she’s thinking you were going to marry without including her or the rest of your family, then she has reason to be upset! She’s feeling like she’s missing out on planning with you and that must hurt.
I think come clean about it and say what you wanted to surprise them with. Apologize for being careless (your website snafu should be a warning to others) and try to make amends.
Post # 9
I also think you should tell your mom your original plans, I am sure she was hurt and therefore not being very kind or happy for you. See what happens then, then carry on with your plans. I think once they understand your point of view their original comments will be replaced with excitement. Tell your fiance for sure, so he is in the loop when he asks for permission. I hope it all works out and you get the support and happiness you were expecting, damn google.
Post # 10
I agree with the girls above. Letting your mom know your original plans will likely go a long way towards soothing feathers. I’d definitely let your fiance know too. 🙂
In the end it’s all part of the story that will be told and retold for years. "Well grandma was googling and she found…" My first thought when I read your post was amazement. I don’t think my mom knows what google is, much less would have thought to google my name. In fact, I don’t think my mom has even looked at our wedding website, and it’s been up for months now! 😛
Good luck! I’m sure everything will work out well in the end! 🙂
Post # 11
MightSapphire- let us know how things work out.
Post # 12
Well, the thing is, your mom is feeling slighted. Because even if you didn’t plan to leave them out, you essentially told a bunch of people (via your website) before you bothered to tell her. Of course she’s upset. How would you feel if she had something major going on in her life and rather than having her call you to tell you directly, you found out through the grapevine? Even if you didn’t suspect she was trying to shut you out, you will would wonder what had posessed her to tell everyone but you.
At this point, I think all you can do is apologize profusely and tell her you screwed up. And yes, you should probably come clean with all your nearest and dearest at this point. And in the future, remember that anything you put on the internet is surely going to get around. Even if your mom didn’t discover it directly, one of her friends would have found it and said something to her. I hope she will feel better about everything once she gets a little distance from it. Honestly, I would be a little snitty in her position too, although I hope that I would get over it.
You should absolutely tell you FI – because probably he owes your family an apology too. I’m sure that’s uncomfortable for him, but unless he actually knew nothing about the whole wedding website he’s equally at fault. I don’t know if the whole idea of him wanting to formally ask for your hand is a good thing to get into or not – you would have to think about that. Whether your family will think that him wanting to formally ask permission (way after actually proposing) is charming or not is something that only you know.
Post # 13
I’m so sorry MS that happened. Boy we both have had stuff lately huh? My take on things is this. Parents (sorry not to diss any older parents here) are from a way different generation and I know my guy’s parents are now internet surfers as well! It’s a wild world when we put stuff out there and I know I’ve been tempted to pull my blog totally offline for a while too. I see people getting mad at entries on facebook here, and now your mom found your site online and it bamboozled her.
She probably also wanted to know that you were engaged. I think you and FI should take them out to dinner and have a sit down and tell them you were simply waiting for the right time to tell them and wanted it perfect but excitement got ahold of you and in this internet world, you wanted to create a spot where you could write all that excitement and planning stuff down and voila..out came a blog site.
But I do understand how they could become hurt by it. I know my sis and bro in law and grandparents would be livid and go ape **** on me if I didn’t tell them.
I think now is a time for that sit down you both were waiting for. And I’d bring a special invite for them too. A peace offering. Maybe a fancy box with your invitation inside and a bottle of wine and a family photo framed? Something that lets them know you had another way you wanted to tell them but that you more than want them in your wedding and involved in every aspect.
Crossing my fingers and saying a prayer for you two! And them too! This can work out.
Post # 14
- Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club
I just wanted to sympathize. My fiancé and I are also at that pre-official stage–we’ve set a date, and I’ve started working on the website (I’m building it myself) so that it will be ready when we formally announce our engagement. I found while creating some registries that it’s extremely difficult to get them not to show up in a general search.
The only thing you can do is ‘fess up, explain why you had the website already, and apologize profusely and firmly. If your mom continues trying to make you feel bad with weird comments ("It’s your life," etc.), there’s not much you can do about it — it was a mistake, you weren’t trying to deliberately keep a secret. Just let her know that, and hopefully she will be reassured.
Post # 15
Thank you all for your support and suggestions! I called my mom to explain exactly what had happened. I think she was relieved to find out that she was the first to know (despite the website!). I hadn’t given out my website addy to anyone yet, thus the reason I was baffled that she had found out about it! There are only 2 views on my site, one was my mom, and one was me googling myself! She was much more gracious after I talked to her the second time and offered her version of congratulations.
I told my FI about it and he laughed so hard! He said he couldn’t imagine my mom on her old dial-up connection using google. But of course we must be related to the infamous Murphy, so it figures.
I told my brothers the news and they weren’t gushing but they were happy for me. My SILs were ecstatic, which made me feel better.
Lesson for all you "no ring yet" brides who are planning: either tell everyone and wait for the ring, or tell no one (including the internet world!). LOL
File this under lessons learned the hard way…
Post # 16
I think you should tell your FH. The more thats out in the air the better right now! If your FH finds out that your parents knew and you didn’t tell him that they found out there might be more hurt feelings and maybe embarrisment. I think it’s hard for the guy to go ask the parents permission, so if he went through all the stress and pressure to do it to then find out they already knew, he might be upset with you.